I’ve made up in my mind to kiss this girl tomorrow.

The last time I kissed a girl was eleven years ago when I was eight. After that I was kept in the house without any outside contact and routinely physically abused until I very recently ran away.

I have a job now, a car, an apartment, a gym membership, and rewarding hobbies in photography and music. However, the outward semblance of success hasn’t fixed me on the inside.

I have bipolar disorder and severe anxiety that typically comes with anxiety attacks, and I’ve been having a prolonged one thinking about kissing this girl.

I haven’t made a move in so long that I think I’m about to lose her. But the prospect of making a move is scaring the hell out of me. I’m not entirely fucked up, I have days when I can pretend to be confident. Today is just not one of them.

I don’t even know what exactly it is I’m worrying about. Maybe getting turned down and being embarrassed? Maybe it’s just the thought of doing something that I’ve practically never done before. I know what to do on paper, how to escalate, I’ve just never actually ventured to do it. Now that I’m faced with the opportunity, I’m literally panicking.