How to stop being controlling and become more respectful and trusting.

HB3234 · 2019-06-26T18:29:05+00:00

If you step way back, I think a lot of your issues will tie right off. Don't ask advice unless you are willing to take it. Replace unsolicited advice with praise and support of his ideas. If you do not actually support his ideas, agree based off the strength of the man proposing his ideas.

For example, if you think his way is inefficient but would still get the job done, don't tell him how to improve it unless he specifically asks. Instead, support his idea because he's always had a good work ethic and wouldn't leave a job unfinished. If it takes him an extra hour to finish, so what. He takes the extra hour and neither of you has a minute of grief. (Or maybe you learn his way was more efficient after all.)

Compliment him on what he does well. Keep your opinions of his faults to yourself - his self improvement is his project, not yours. "The Surrendered Wife" was written for marriages very much like yours - please read it!

About your bedroom dynamic, here's the thing - all men are disappointed after a rejection. How they move forward is largely reflection of how they view you. If a man is fully in his role, happy with you and trusts you to meet his needs as best you can, his instinct is to protect you. He protects you by keeping his disapointment inward and moving on.

You have taken on such an alpha role that he is now viewing you as having the obligations of the provider and leader - if you get final say, you get full responsibility! And provider is not just a financial role but also sexual and comfort among others. So he has no incentive to shield you, but instead feels justified in outburts to show you you're a terrible provider and leader (my take on his feelings, not my opinion of you). He feels angry because if you want to take charge of the household you better pick up all of the tasks, and you aren't.

A possible secondary issue is that men often seek validation via sex. When you respect, admire, and follow a man, he swims in a sea of validation. When you don't do these things, he often seeks it instinctively via sex - being willing to have children with him, opening your body to him, that's one hell of a validation hit. Your man may just have a really high libido, but you may also find that as you truly inhabit your role as a wife, he seeks less sex because now he desires sex for the sake of sex, rather than sex for validation.

AITAanon1 · 2019-06-26T23:04:12+00:00

Hello,

I hope my opinion/advice helps in some way.
My husband is military as well. We also went through marriage counseling and individual counseling. FYI: we let our pride rule us for the first few months. Then we really started seeing the benefits and let our barriers down. Married 10 years.

Something to remember: Men want and need respect. Women want and need love.

I will be utterly honest.

First, you did the first step and admitted where your faults are. Marriage is never easy, but when we can see our own short comings that's half the battle.

Secondly, from what was posted, there is no respect in your marriage. Not a lack of, which indicates that there may be some, but zero respect. If you don't respect your partner, you can't truly trust them.

You stated mostly you control everything; finances, sex, parenting. That when you ask for his advice, you purposely and willfully ignore it because you believe your research has more value than his opinion.

I don't think anyone appreciates being asked their opinion but then have it tossed aside because, well, you didn't really need it anyway. Why ask to begin with? It's insulting.

While I also control the finances in my own marriage, I ensure my husband is fully informed of what goes where. I also took over because I needed too; husband is Army.

You stated you went to individual counseling to work on yourself, but then proceeded to talk about him. So the answer is that you didn't work on yourself.

I had a similar experience during my counseling. I started off with talking about my husband. Thankfully, the counselor, a veteran himself, simply said," Are you X or Y?" I said," well I'm Y." He responded," Great! Can we start talking about her."

Problem solved and I was able to start really talking.

In your marriage counseling you talk together. Individual: It's YOU. Not him. YOU.

In regards to sex: it seems physical touch may be how he shows and expresses his love.

I saw in a comment that you said he thinks the idea of love languages are stupid? Whatever he thinks, people do express and give love in different ways. Can he deny that? If not, then perhaps start from there.

Quick question: is this your first deployment together?

So now my advice:

If you ask for his opinion, stop and think about it. Many in the military rely on training and their gut to survive. Give him a chance.

I challenge you to try this for one week-7 days- when you ask for his advice, and he gives it, pause. Don't break him down. Verbally acknowledge his opinion and then, surprise him and say," I like that. Let's do it that way." Trusting your spouse starts with trusting their judgment.

He's a good man, correct? Try it.

Include him in the finances and parenting.
Finances: One way to do this is breaking down your budget on a piece of paper( weekly, bi-weekly or monthly) and showing him how you figure everything out. Pause. Ask him HIS opinion. If he says something contradictory to what you do, ask him, in a non confrontational way, why he thinks that. Ask him if he thinks this new way would work better. If he says yes, give it a try.

Parenting: One thing my parents raised my siblings and I with is- never disagree with your spouse in front of others or your children. My dad was military as well, so my mom took over a lot of things. But she really appreciated when my dad was home to give her some time to breathe.

There were things they disagreed with, but my mom found that if she explained it to my dad as," I really appreciate your help and you're an amazing father and husband. We are going to do things differently, but let's agree on the basics that help the house function better. Here are things that I do, that helps me...." My dad responded in kind.

After the kids are in bed, or get a babysitter and ask your husband out on a date, sit down, hold his hand and let him know that you want this to work. Bring pieces of paper and hand him one. From there, ask him to write down the top three things he wants improved in your marriage. You both write down your own. Before looking at each others papers, then ask him three things he loves about you and your marriage. Then switch papers. One person at a time, read the things you appreciate first. Then, without judgment, go over the three things you want improved. The next person's turn.

Take those two papers to your marriage counselor and see about discussing them more in depth. Once you two feel you've resolved them, repeat the process.

Someone in the marriage has to put up the white flag. Someone has to put the pride aside and say," I'll start this."

A man needs respect. You married him. He is the father of your children. There must be something there that had you say," I want this man in my life." Every man has his faults. I'm not telling you to be a slave to him or doormat. But I am suggesting that when you allow him to lead your home, when you can trust that he won't treat you with the same carelessness that you received as a child, your life and marriage will improve.

AITAanon1 · 2019-06-26T18:14:37+00:00

Hi!

I was wondering what brought you here to this subreddit? A lot of the behavior you're describing is alarming on both ends.

What kind of physical shape are the two of you in?

Have you checked out the surrendered wife?

From the sound of your marriage counseling experience, what were your intentions walking into that environment?

There is a lot of very alarming behavior in your post history. I'm not exactly sure that anyone here can solve the types of problems you are having, especially since a lot of very sound advice has been given to you by multiple members of the Reddit community and it doesn't sound like anything is changing.

I was in somewhat of a similar situation with an ex-husband. Please note that he's an ex-husband now for a reason.

schielegirl · 2019-06-26T18:30:40+00:00

my player guy friend always says " you cant change her mind, but you can change her mood." kind of sleazy but true. what is he doing to get you in the mood? what is your love language? what is his love language? is there something he could do to make you say yes? if so just tell him what it is dude!

also it sounds like your guys' communication has completely eroded to a deplorable level which you are both responsible for. you know how many chances a guy has to blow up on me? ZERO. i have a zero tolerance policy for disrespect of any type and so should you. but so should he! always be nice.

voice that you want to trust him and take his advice but you are afraid and arent sure why, and talk about it! ask him if you can talk about it!

say in a sexy and fun way "hey... you what would really get me going right now? if you did the dishes and met me in the bedroom. ill be in there *getting ready* for you. " the cards are completely in your favor girl. no man would ever say no to that.

my love language is spoiling and attention. if a man orders me a nice car, takes me to a nice dinner, and listens a bit and is respectful, hes gettin something; at least a second date. cant expect them to read minds though. gotta ask for that uber select if thats whats you want girllll

my golden rule is reward/give attention to good behavior and remove yourself/your attention upon receipt of bad behavior. never ever blow up or act crazy! always act graceful and like a queen or a lady. a queen never blows up. she speaks once.

LateralThinker13 · 2019-06-27T17:59:48+00:00

One of my major complaints is that he is never okay with me saying no to sex/bj/hj. He ALWAYS either gets angry, upset, gives me the third degree asking why,

Okay, on this one I'm on your side. People are NOT always DTF. He has, it sounds like, a much higher sex drive than yours. He needs to come to terms with that. It means he'll usually be the initiator. BFD.

he can't get over feeling rejected.

This is HIS issue. This is the part he needs to get help with.

---- but enough about him ---- this is about you:

I have trouble with self reflection and talking about my issues bc I'm unsure of what they truly are.

I call Bullshit. 2 degrees, mid-30s, posting here, you know what the majority of your issues are, you just don't want to deal with them. It's always easier (and more comfortable) to point at others' flaws.

Let me break this down for you, because you spell it out:

my attitude towards him has been the same or worse with regards to not listening to him,

So you ignore his opinions, and it's getting worse

I'm a 34 y/o SAHM (two degrees, I worked before children),

because you think you're smarter/more educated/older (and wiser) than your

32 y/o active duty Marine

younger physical-profession (i.e. dumb jarhead) husband.

If I ask his advice, I usually doynt take it and ultimately do what I want.

You do what you want because you have a shit opinion of him and don't understand what respect is.

I usually research things and he doesn't, he just goes with gut feelings, so I feel that I know better.

and your "education" and "research" are better with his feelings - though I don't hear you say that he's, y'know, actually WRONG.

His behavior is to hold everything in until he blows, so his response has been to blow up with anger about once a week, extreme rage, cursing, the works.

He doesn't start drama or fight until he can't take it anymore.

Hr main insistence was for me to go and work on myself. I did, but I basically went and talked about him and issues I have with him, and he got pissed and said that's not the point of why I'm going, that I should be working on me, not shit talking him.

He's right. You seem constitutionally unwilling to accept and fix the bullshit in your behavior. Fix the above. This is on you. It is your attitude that he reacts to. Yes, it is improper for him to explode under any circumstances, in theory. In practice, people have limits, and if you needle and nag enough, you get what you ask for.

EDIT: Read the Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood. It's 95% religion-free - being a Christian is a side note and not relevant for it working.

dunkelrein · 2019-06-29T00:01:57+00:00

I had similar things going on in my last long-term relationship. Throughout the relationship, my ex kept saying that I didn't respect him and I didn't agree with him. It was only after breaking up, and meeting my now-husband that I realized what respect feels like: in all major areas of life, I believe that my husband can make decisions that are as good or better than mine. I might not agree with all of them, but I think that the processes and ideas that he uses to make his calls are at least as good as mine. That makes an ENORMOUS difference, and I can't imagine being in a partnership where that wasn't the case, now. I feel terrible for the years I wasted with my other partner (a good man, all-in-all) and the damage I did to him by being a girlfriend who didn't respect him.

Honestly, I'm wondering if you shouldn't leave him, and find someone you actually respect. For both your sakes.

But, if that's not what you want to do, I suggest thinking of this as a total inside job. Focus relentlessly on what you admire about your husband. Don't allow yourself to think critical thoughts about him (at least for the time being). Keep a running list of good things about him on your phone, so you can look over it frequently. You might be surprised to find that there are ways that you could improve by modeling yourself after him.

Before things ended with my ex, I was able to improve things some through the work of Alison Armstrong. She helped me to cultivate a deep appreciation for men in general. I can't recommend her work enough.

Another thing that has helped me is to just practice extreme generosity. Find out his favorite 10 dishes and only cook those. Compliment him daily. Wear his favorite stuff. Plan dates that center on activities he loves. Only have PIV intercourse when you want it, but you can give him a daily hj or bj. Normally, I'm really critical of people who show anger when their partners occasionally say no to sex, but it sounds like he's starved of value in the relationship, and sex is the only way he can get that. See if a greater generosity outside the bedroom will help him to cope better.

Good luck!

P4nd3x · 2019-06-26T17:59:06+00:00

I’m not sure if I can play here being a guy, but this sounds an awful lot like my ex.

We were both naturally alphas, and together we had a partnership that worked wonderfully. I would lead the relationship but she was my #1 trusted advisor, it was one of mutual respect. She was subservient and I was subservient to her when needed to.

It seems your alpha qualities have pushed to far to the point you’re now dominating/controlling the relationship. He’s vying for your attention, instead of you vying for his.

Once my ex broke up with me, I became a bit of a little bitch and lost my power, the dynamic changed and even to this day we’re still playing power games. There is absolutely no way I can be with a girl that does not submit, and not in a controlling or manipulative manner, but an alphas natural tendency is to lead and when it’s not possible it’s frustrating. So maybe it’s the same with him?

I also guess that’s it’s hard for a girl to submit unless she respects her man, so I guess one question would be what’s changed? Have you lost the respect that you once had? Can you lower your pride/ego and give in to him a bit more?

organicsunshine · 2019-06-28T01:42:29+00:00

Let your man be the man and be happy and accept you are his woman. You have to trust him. You have to resolve issues in a calming way.

Even today I had to say "Babe I think you are mistaken"...pertinent facts ... and he thought about it and came to a clear conclusion.

Communicate with docility.

AITAanon1 · 2019-06-26T20:38:26+00:00

Just a clarification before I answer... are you saying you went to counseling alone AND marriage counseling? Or just marriage counseling?

Kchri136 · 2019-06-28T04:00:28+00:00

The surrendered wife is AMAZING. Or the empowered wife(less words)

MisterDSTP · 2019-07-01T19:48:23+00:00

Maybe try Codependents anonymous for a few weeks?

Not saying you are codependent. But you sound extremely controlling and it sounds like you are projecting a lot of your issues onto your husband. The fact that you focus on him in your sessions is enough to make me suggest Coda.

You sound stuck and in denial of some major feelings and Combined with your admission of daddy issues it feels like you are unconsciously acting out those resentments with your husband.

It honeslty spunds like hes doing the best he can but is really over your shit.

Either get a job and pay for daycare or get your shit together.

Maybe start with a vacation alone.

(coda meetings as an extra resource for you in addition to your individual counseling.)

padpump · 2019-06-26T18:37:57+00:00

After having had a walk on this. Make clear distinction on who takes care of what. And then stick to it. In some societies (China)women and men still live in parallel to each other vs. being the same and exchangeable. I guess that’s about as red pill as it gets.

just_a_mum · 2019-06-26T22:55:50+00:00

I would highly recommend reading the Surrendered wife. It's not religious based (it might mention it, but I'm also not religious and I don't remember it being).

The main take away from the book, in my opinion, is the fact that though can't change him. You can only change yourself. You need to work on yourself, your husband is right. Do some self care. Stop trying to control him or your relationship. Just work on controlling your life.

I will add however, that you should ALWAYS be able to say no to your partner with regards to sex with no repercussions. In RPW we recommend that you say yes as much as you can, as a happy husband has "a full belly and empty balls". But you should feel safe and secure enough in your relationship to be able to say no, and that answer should be respected.

Banjaiel · 2019-06-27T04:03:20+00:00

Read the book 'how to get the love you want'. like.. now. :)

Lamest title ever.. I know..

SirenofFallen87 · 2019-06-27T07:32:16+00:00

I will say that communication and trust do wonders for a relationship. On the sex thing, I can say with young children it can be easy to ignore the husband sometimes. Little kids need so much attention and care that by the end of the day you might be to tired and just want to sleep. I take my husband into the room when he gets home from work, unless he worked really late that day. I noticed when I started doing that he had less outbursts, he stopped getting so upset if I said no to sex, and I was happier all around. Giving myself an hour a day without worrying about the kids to just focus on my husband help us out a ton.

Title	How to stop being controlling and become more respectful and trusting.
Author	AITAanon1
Upvotes	46
Comments	49
Date	June 26, 2019 5:49 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/c5sz52/how_to_stop_being_controlling_and_become_more/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-stop-being-controlling-and-become-more.243451 https://theredarchive.com/post/243451