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Wife not a good mother

Reddit View
June 30, 2019

Hello. I’m a lurker at married red pill, but this is my first time posting. I did a search and couldn’t find a case like mine.

Here’s the story. I’ve been married for 2 years and have an 18-month-old daughter. My wife is not necessarily a bad mother, but she is inattentive towards the baby and not a great role model. She is the primary caretaker and does the least amount of effort possible to take care of her.

For example, when the baby was learning how to walk/ run, she used to fall and crash into things all the time. One day the baby was running towards a wall. My wife was standing right next to the wall. Common instincts for any human would be to stand between the wall and the running baby who’s about to hit the wall. Instead, my wife does nothing and the baby crashes against the wall and starts crying a lot. She also does stuff like give her junk funk for breakfast instead of a cereal fortified with iron, which the baby needs, because the baby didn’t like the taste of the cereal. Other times she’s standing next to the baby and the baby is calling her and she’ll ignore the baby and pretend she’s busy doing something else. When confronted by me, her first reaction is to lie or to make an excuse. She’ll even lie to make it seem like she was “the good person” at the sake of the baby’s health. Her uncaring attitude with the baby happens every single day.

I’m personally a fit guy. I’ve been fit all my life. I go to the gym 6 or 7 times a week. But I have no game and don’t know how to flirt. I don’t know how to approach attractive women in public. Though I don’t have that much of a problem when I have alcohol in my system and I’m in a bar. I’m also generally a clean person. I do most of the cleaning and cooking around the house because I’m cleaner and a better cook than her. I work harder. I’m not a lazy person, but she is. Most of the time, I take care of anything that needs to be taken care of immediately. Whenever she leaves a mess somewhere and I ask her about it, she also has some lame excuse for that.

Sex isn’t all that great. I always have to ask for it. I know I could take the lead and be more aggressive with it but sometimes I feel like a pervert with my own wife for wanting sex. I know it’s wrong for me to think that way, but it is what it is. She’s also not a “nurturing wife”. There’s not a lot of difference between being with her or having a female roommate whom I have sex with from time to time.

In general, she’s lazy and likes to play dumb when it comes to taking care of the baby, me, or the house. But if it’s anything work or career-related for her, she’s very sharp and effective. She’s an engineer.

I have tried “punishment” by removing my time and affection but it doesn’t seem to faze her. She’ll just surf Facebook or message people on Whatsapp or watch Netflix. She can do these three things forever.

I have no problem with working hard for a year to raise my SMV and nexting her, but I do not want to leave the baby alone with her. And my wife knows that I wouldn’t just leave because I care too much for the baby’s well-being. I’ve never told her I wouldn’t leave because of the baby, but she knows. I don’t care what my wife does or doesn’t do for me. But I do care how she treats the baby because the baby needs her.

I’d be very grateful for any recommendations in this case. If I decide to next her, what about the baby? If I apply dread, would it make her take better care of the baby?

Post Information
Title Wife not a good mother
Author cryptoworld2
Upvotes 6
Comments 59
Date 30 June 2019 06:03 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
dread gamesexual market valuethe wallgamethe red pillnexting

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret19 points20 points  (7 children) | Copy

Something tells me your wife probably isn’t as bad as a mom as you think and this is just you hamstering out a reason to dislike her more. The running into a wall thing? I would totally let my kids run into the wall. How else are they going to learn to be cautious. Jumping off a roof and other way more dangerous things I will stop them and have a talk.

A lot of the stuff that is happening is from shitty leadership. The “junk funk” she gives the kids is probably because she doesn’t know any better. Why are you a better cook? Why are you not leading and teaching her?

My take is you have found out that you don’t have control of the ship. Rather than buckling down and taking control you are convincing yourself the first officer is unfit for duty and you are better off abandoning ship.

That may be the case in the end, but I don’t think you are in any position to call that shot right now.

[–]cryptoworld2[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

You may be right. It could be a leadership problem from my part. And she wouldn't be defined as a bad mother in court (probably). But she definitely only gives her minimum effort required for taking care of the baby. I've gone over cooking, cleaning, taking care of the baby over and over and over again with my wife. I show her how I do it every day. She doesn't cook better because she doesn't try to cook better. The same with everything else.

It could very well be my lack of leadership or charismatic skills, but I don't know how to make her want to do better. She's said in the past she wants to improve, but her actions haven't shown it. Maybe I need to STFU and work on being a better leader.

[–]NoCoast822 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

She doesn't cook better because she doesn't try to cook better she knows I will just do it for her. The same with everything else.


I don't know how to make her want to do better.

Have you read any of the stuff here??? She doesn't try because you will still be around even if she doesn't put in the effort.

Your fit and have a shitty social life. That is all we know about you, seems like your wife knows that as well. You suck at leadership, but first you you need to be someone people want to follow.

[–]cryptoworld2[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I agree. I know how to work on fixing the leadership part. It takes work, but it's doable. What I don't know is how to get leverage on her because of the baby.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

I know how to work on fixing the leadership part

No, you don't. If you did, you wouldn't be here asking how you can lead your wife to being a better mother. You'd be doing it.

You're full of shit. All fucking talk and the only person you are fooling is yourself. You say you are here for the sake of your baby. Fuck off. You're here because your wife has zero respect for you and finds you so unattractive that she doesn't want to fuck you. That's why you are really here. The baby is a red herring. You're blowing it out of proportion in order to protect your fragile ego. You'd rather pull the divorce card on her than face reality.

Why doesn't your wife want to fuck you? Why does she not give a shit when you withdraw attention? What is it that makes you so unfuckable? We know you're a shitty captain, we know you have no game, we know you're shit in bed. What else are you not telling us? 6 days a week in the gym.. doing what? Cardio and fucking kettlebell swings? What are your stats? I bet you're a skinny fuck who doesn't lift. What about your finances? Do you have any friends? Do you have an active social life? Are you a boring cunt? Do you watch porn? Do you play video games? What other vices are you hiding?

Blame your wife all you want, tell yourself that it's all about the baby. Do whatever the fuck you want to avoid facing the fact that this is down to you. You created this situation and the shit hole that is now your life, you dug for yourself and crawled into it. I don't care if you tell us the full story or not but you need to stop fucking lying to yourself.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I show her how I do it every day

I'm starting to get the sense that you're a bit of a control freak. Wanting her to do everything YOUR way. Who cares if things get done? If she cooks - even if it's not great but she's tried, do you praise her or cut her down for 'crappy' food? Learn some communication techniques. "This is good! I would have added a bit more salt, but this is good".

On the cleaning side - clean your shit and the baby shit up and leave her to her own mess. Alternatively you clean it up because YOU want a clean house. STFU about it, don't point out you cleaned up her shit and she needs to do so, blah blah. Just do it. She knows.

Relax - kid's are resilient whether face planting into the wall, falling off things, eating "junk food" which I'm not sure if it was actually junk or just not iron-fortified cereal. I'm pretty sure I wasn't giving the kid anything too special at 18 months. Cheerios, those stupid puff things, Gerber graduates. Iirc we started feeding the kids 'normal' meals which were what we were eating around this age. Kids don't need to be bubble wrapped and cocooned. Are you someone who reads lots of 'articles' on what you should or shouldn't be doing with the kid? I'm starting to see helicopter parent here. Of course child-proof your house and don't let the kid seriously maim or kill herself, but christ - kids get hurt and should get hurt - it's how they learn.

Read the sidebar... until your eyes bleed like you have Ebola.

[–]cryptoworld2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I thought about the controlling part. That maybe I'm too controlling. I also remember that with her and the baby my attitude was "We don't know but let's learn together". It was never "I know how to do it and you don't know". My frustration with her has always been her attitude. Not her lack of knowledge. The inattentive stuff that happens wouldn't be a problem if it didn't happen every day. Nevertheless, I see your point. I do need to chill. This is all on me.

[–]Rifleshoot0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I find the healthiest way to handle all of this is to simply believe that everything that goes wrong is your fault, like most good leaders do. If a military unit fails to accomplish a mission, the leadership gets the blame, not the subordinates. Could the subordinates have played a role in the failure? Of course they could, and very likely did. But, a failure in leadership set the conditions to where the subordinates could fail. It’s your job as the father to set expectations for how these children will be raised. If you aren’t happy with her feeding them junk food, tell her so and even go so far as to throw out the junk food and buy the stuff you want them to eat. Your family goes in the direction that you take it. If you are not adding input, then she is going to do it herself and you can’t get angry with her for trying. Simply correct her and move on.

[–]kyengraver4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

Does she have postpartum? That behavior for a new mom isn’t normal. My wife had postpartum for a very long time, and I had no clue. Meds helped but they came with a whole new set of problems. IMHO, and take it for what it’s the compassionate leader. Was she like this before you had a kid? She probably would never overtly tell you. Educate yourself.

[–]cryptoworld2[S] -1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

I first I thought she had postpartum depression (a few months after the baby was born), but it turns out she didn't have it. We went to 2 psychologists who ruled it out. I know it's a psychiatrist who officially has to decide whether she has PPD or not, but it turns out all she needed back then with the newborn was more sleep. And to be honest, I wasn't that compassionate back then when she did careless things with the baby. She wasn't careless because of a lack of knowledge, it was her attitude.

Now that she gets enough sleep, she's still careless and clueless with us, but with work-related stuff, she's as sharp as ever. She was indeed a bit lazy with the cleaning and cooking before she had the kid. I was always the one who put more effort into everything. I used to drag her to the gym every morning before she had the kid too.

[–]wkndatbernardus0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

My advice is to be less results oriented in terms of your wife's behavior/attitude and focus on yourself and being a patient leader. The harsh truth is that the vast majority of women require significant direction from men to become their best selves. This is part of nature's purpose for men so, embrace the way of the coach. She needs you... it's why she married you, actually, even though she's too much of a retard to realize it.

That being said, it doesn't matter if she "comes around" or not. What matters is the person you are becoming.

[–]cryptoworld2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes to all of this. I have been an impatient leader in the past. Thanks.

[–]bowhunter8573 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Idk man this sounds a lot like over reacting to me. Any woman that is willing to continue nursing a kid passed 18 months old can’t be all that inattentive or uncaring of a mother. She’s not gonna be perfect all the time. Sounds to me like your sex life isn’t what you want so you resent her for it. This woman is not your enemy, you’re trying to raise a family with her. Call her out on things she slacks on, my wife tells me all the time she thinks there are things she would skimp on if I didn’t hold her accountable. Hold her accountable, it’s your family.

[–]cryptoworld2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I call her out on things all the time right as they happen. She lies or makes an excuse for it. I repeat the same thing over and over many times. She doesn't change. She's still lazy with the kid and the house. I think I need to learn how to deal with it better.

[–]d_rome9 points10 points  (7 children) | Copy

Document everything. Time, date, what happened. That way when the divorce happens (not if) you could have a case for being the primary custodian if your child.

[–]SepeanRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

First thing is whether she has the potential or not, read this

Any attempt at getting her to change must be based on high SMV, frame and dread. That's where you get the leverage, without it you are powerless.

My gut feeling is that she lacks basic empathy, maybe she is just dismissive-avoidant but it could be something worse. It's going to take a lot of effort to change her, maybe even be impossible.

[–]cryptoworld2[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I believe you may be right about the empathy part. and that it could be impossible for her to change. I will still improve my SMV, dread and frame to get some type of leverage. I feel like I have none since she knows I wouldn't leave the baby.

[–]hack3geRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

You are a frameless faggot who couldn’t lead himself out of a paper bag let alone his wife.

Your wife is a flaming piece of shit because you made her that way and let her be that way.

You heard of fuckarounditis? Because you go to the gym 6-7 days and it’s apparent you don’t actually lift jack shit.

The baby probably isn’t yours anyways so fuck off.

Thanks for lurking - when you decide that you are worth a damn then maybe we might think it’s worth spending any time on you.

[–]cryptoworld2[S] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

lol put down the pipe

[–]hack3geRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I do regularly - just like Chad is doing to your wife.

Your wife is checked out, she’s messaging dudes on WhatsApp, you hold her accountable for nothing, you are a beta plowhorse - fuck your shit is a disaster. If you had done even a little bit of reading you would realize the moment your kid is past the infant stage she’s gonna drop your faggot ass, divorce rape you and take custody of your kid.

[–]wild_deer_man6 points7 points  (9 children) | Copy

Why the fucking hell do you think it has anything to do with how attractive you are or how good is your sex life?

I don't write here much but sometimes the autism is so strong I feel compelled.

She sounds like a shit mother and a shit person. Why are you still with her?

People keep asking here "I'm married to a shitty person, how do I make her not shitty?"

We'll, you don't.

If you have any resemblance of balls you will get a divorce papers yesterday and find a woman who can actually take care of a child. Even if your daughter will be with you half of the time, it will still be probably better than 100% of the time with a mother that doesn't give a shit.

Instead of just trying to fuck your wife and dump all the responsibility for your daughter on her, man the fuck up and take care of your daughter. Honestly, you don't sound a lot better than your wife.

[–]cryptoworld2[S] -2 points-1 points  (8 children) | Copy

You think the judge is going to take the baby away from her mother? She's a baby who still breastfeeds. That is not going to happen unless the mother is a junkie or mentally ill. The mother would get custody. I would have been out of this situation a long time ago if that weren't the case. If you know how I can get custody then, by all means, please enlighten me.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret8 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy

“That is not going to happen unless the mother is a junkie or mentally ill.”

My first wife was a prescription drug addict AND 100% disabled for mental health reasons as described by the Social Security Administration, and still kept the kids. She draws $27,000 a year in benefits because she doesn’t ‘feel good’.

One of my children died in her custody.

At the time of our divorce, I had a lot of documentation and ‘compelling evidence’ of her mental deficiencies. My attorney told me it would take another 2 years to litigate and cost an added $25,000.

That was the price I put on my child’s head.

Now, dipshit, stop deering some of the advice you’re getting here, because others won’t then waste their time to help you.

You want 120 responses. Not 20.

Start documenting EVERYTHING.

Have control of the finances.

Build a warchest.

The divorce rate is 50+%. Do you know anyone who is divorced? Talk to them. Would they recommend their attorney?

What have you done to EDUCATE yourself about your own case?

You want to learn so much shit about your own case that your attorney would hire you as a paralegal for it.

My first wife was a SAHM. I only got custody 14 days a month, the judge refused to give me 50/50, because she ‘needed’ the child support.

But that was 14 days a month my children were safe.

Stop whining like a bitch.

Stand up like the man you should be and fight for your child.

Deep down, I get the feeling you want an instant answer that doesn’t involve any real work, effort, or divorce.

Is your child in danger? Or NOT?

Because if the best you can do is argue with the suggestions you get from faceless strangers on the internet to what you describe as a potential life/death situation for your child...then


So now you have a real decision to make.



[–]Southboundcrash3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

She might be mentally ill, get her evaluated for depression etc

[–]wild_deer_man2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I don't know the law in the US but it seems you focus more energy on fucking your wife rather than giving your daughter the full attention she needs. Find a way.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The mother would get custody.

Many states are leaning towards a more 50/50 policy on custody. The state I live almost always give 50/50 if the dad wants it. Breast feeding isn’t a factor.

[–]helaughsinhidden3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Stop living by covert contracts. Also, babies can't walk, you have a toddler and you gotta let them crash sometimes and you can't treat their crying like an edict from God. Chill out man.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Lots of she and her and she doesn’t do X or I wish she’d do Y.

Get the If I do this she’ll do that. That’s just a covert contract setting you up to crash and burn.

She doesn’t care when you remove time -> she’s happy surfing fuckbook. My guess is despite your physical appearance she’s not that attractive to you.

You’ve said she knows you won’t leave due to the baby so you have no power. The one thing you as a man can control is your commitment. You’re so fearful of what happens to the baby you refuse to put yourself first.

You’ve said she’s career focused, so she has some sort of drive. Here’s a basic question - does she know how to take care of a kid? The wall thing is kind of funny, I may have done that to one of my kids to teach them about spatial awareness. I mean the kid wasn’t seriously hurt right? Then again I’m autistic so...

You can set boundaries and expectations if all of the following is true 1) your SMV is higher 2) you clearly state consequences 3) you follow through on consequences

Think about it - if she knows you’re not going to leave or pull the trigger than there’s zero leverage.

There are a lot of red flags in your post that shows you aren’t doing as great as you think

-No game; are you gaming your wife? -You compare what you do vs what she does (keeping a scoreboard) -she rather surf the internet than spend time with you -you don’t initiate sex and feel bad for doing so -you’re scared of the consequences of setting firm boundaries and putting divorce on the table

Read more of the sidebar. STFU more, not sure what you’re doing at the gym but I assume it’s lifting heavy.

Also, why DID you marry her? Was it lack of vetting or did things go downhill since two years ago. This is critical information - if she’s always been shitty there’s probably no hope. If she’s suddenly shitty then it’s likely because you’ve become unattractive in her eyes.

[–]cryptoworld2[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Yes, yes and yes. It is a covert contract. And the part I don't get is how to set consequences for breaking boundaries if she has the baby leverage. In her mind, I can't leave because the judge will give the baby to her. And you're right, I am scared of the consequences of her ending up with the baby. I'm scared for the baby. My wife would take care of her, but it would be a lazy effort. The baby wouldn't be getting the best parenting possible. It would be good to hear from someone who's gone through this already to see how they managed it. I'm putting the baby before me.

She's good at her career yes, but not so good at taking care of the kid. It's because she's "unattentive", is the best way I can describe it. She does the bare minimum so that someone looking from the outside wouldn't be able to call her a bad mother.

I married her because of a lack of vetting. I didn't know she was going to be that careless with the baby. Things did start going downhill after the baby was born. I understand there's always stress, but it's more than that. Like you said, I am probably unattractive to her, but I'm not sure how that translates into caring more for the baby. I think it does help with me setting boundaries for her, but to me, she still has the baby leverage.

Could you speak more about some of the red flags that you saw from my post? I am not that good at identifying my weaknesses. Even when I try to work on what I think they are. It's always better when someone else can point I out the things that you can't see yourself.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Focus on being a father/husband she is scared to loose.

[–]cryptoworld2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks. I think I got my answer. I have some work to do. Months of it. I will still speak to a lawyer to be prepared just in case being a great father/ husband doesn't work.

[–]cdogg751 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Is there a chance she has postpartum depression?

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

But I have no game and don’t know how to flirt. I don’t know how to approach attractive women in public.

The only way to get better is practice. Do it- don’t think about it or wait to have alcohol in you.

And my wife knows that I wouldn’t just leave because I care too much for the baby’s well-being.

So, why should we give you any advice since you clearly aren’t going to implement it.

Have you even read NMMNG or WiSNIFG?

Most of your answers are in those 2 books.

[–]cryptoworld2[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

If I wasn't going to implement it, why would my first question be " If I decide to next her, what about the baby?" And I haven't but will read these books you mentioned.

[–]UnPussified0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"give her junk funk for breakfast instead of a cereal fortified with iron, which the baby needs, because the baby didn’t like the taste of the cereal."

Expect ALL of that to happen AFTER divorce, because she will likely have ~50% custody.

Your only hope for your child is to be the beacon, in a foggy fvcked up world she was born into.

Pull the plug.

Sooner you do, the sooner you can reduce the time BOTH of you spend with your ex.

Believe it or not, SOMETIMES women become better parents when they have only partial custody.

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I’m personally a fit guy. I’ve been fit all my life. I go to the gym 6 or 7 times a week.

Just a cold read here, but you sound like a guy in good shape whose vetting process was basically "what does she look like?" OK, big tits, slim waist, marriage material here. I don't think you are going to be able to change her, she just doesn't give a shit, and it she just doesn't give a shit about her own kids, I don't think dread is going to help you much with that.

My advice to you is read the sidebar, be a good dad, and don't have any more children with this woman. Divorce may be in your future, talk to a lawyer and make sure your ass is covered.

In general, she’s lazy and likes to play dumb when it comes to taking care of the baby, me, or the house.

I also suspect you aren't direct. Give her instructions, leave nothing to interpretation. You, do this. Then, make sure she hears you. If she doesn't acknowledge, say it again. Get her in the habit of doing what she should do, even if you have to tell her to do it all.

[–]cryptoworld2[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Sometimes I'm very direct when she doesn't do something. Other times I'm not. I get tired of repeating stuff. Guess I must do it more.

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I get tired of repeating stuff. Guess I must do it more.

It's funny, I stopped having to repeat myself when I got in better physical shape. I don't know what to tell you guys that are already in good shape (unless you are a fat powerlifter). It's a harder lift because you are already in good shape and she has learned not to give a crap about it.

[–]FereallyRedHard Core Red0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Women, like water, flow and take the shape of the container you provide for them.

If your leadership is bad (and your's is), then you're only providing her a toilet.

And you wonder why she acts like shit.

Dread, motherfucker.

[–]stoicstephen0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She needs a leader.

[–]yes_kid0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Dude, didn't you vet her for this stuff before deciding to put a ring on it? Didn't you gauge her personality and mothering abilities, or at least talk to her about what you expect in a wife and mother of your kids?

[–]cryptoworld2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

All I thought before I married her was "She's a good person, she'll probably be a good mother". I didn't know any better. She was already a little lazy with the cooking and cleaning but I didn't have a problem with it because I could just tell her to do it. I also didn't have a talk on what to expect about taking care of the kids back then. Now I do. And sometimes she says she'll do better. But then she always 'forgets' about what we talked about or denies she did anything wrong. Obviously, my leadership style isn't effective or maybe she's just not worth it.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Difficult to tell based on n this little bit. This is why lurking is never accepted. With more post history we’d get a better idea.

Possible your wife is sociopathic. Possible she’s got postpartum (doesn’t sound like it but would need more information). A lot of things are possible.

YET you came here asking us to give you a full up plan on what to do. NOW that speaks to your ability to do much more than get a woman pregnant, and likely some slut you picked up at a club. The fact that you equate dread to child care? Laughable. YOu want to next her? You don’t have a plan what happens then. We aren’t here to give you that plan we are here to push you down the road. Your plan is yours. You have to execute it. Not us. So what is your plan here, high speed?

You need to get some organization to your house, and your life. Set clear expectations on what you expect her to do. You may have done this but what you haven’t done is give her consequences if it isn’t done. Sounds like you just complain to her and no follow through.

My recommendation is to get your dick out of the dirt.

[–]CrazyLegs780 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Damn man, sounds exactly like my marriage from 10 years ago! The only thing that kept me trying after our first kid, is that we had been married for 5 years without a child. During this time, we really bonded.

I firmly believe that all women have the mentality of a 13yo girl. Imagine a child having to be responsible for a baby in today's world. That's what you and your wife are up against, and she may never realize that. All you can do is lead her in the right direction if you are willing. She may eventually follow you if she's willing. The only way is MRP. Go ahead, pick up the end of that 1000ft rope and start pulling. All you can do is show her the kind of man you can be.

[–]cryptoworld2[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

This is what I was looking for! Someone who's been through it. I also feel like I'm babysitting a grown woman when it comes to taking care of the house and the baby. I will work on my leadership. I have some reading and then reading again to do.

[–]CrazyLegs780 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

What finally hit me, and changed my entire perspective around the house, is that her standards of parental care and cleanliness were just that. Hers. Mine were totally different. I work and clean around the house to bring things up to my standard because it makes me feel better. I can't expect her to immediately adopt my standards because I flip out like a little bitch, and I did plenty of that - it doesn't work. Over time, my wife has slowly transitioned closer to my standards. I still make up the difference, and I freed up some money to get the house cleaned every other week. Pick a couple of things that are most important to you, and place some soft boundaries. One of mine is dirty dishes around the house.

I'm not saying that you become the one that does everything, but realize these are mostly issues with your perception. Then, and only then, decide if she still brings enough value to your relationship. Also, it gets MUCH easier once the kids get about 4yo.

[–]cryptoworld2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I wish I could sticky this as the best advice for any future potential lurkers who are in the same situation: a wife who isn't a very good mother. Some of the responses in here have come from people who are clearly not married nor do they have any children.

All I can do is improve myself, my leadership and place some soft boundaries like you said. Leaving the kid with her is not an option at this point.

[–]drumandtheywillcum860 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm in a similar situation where on the surface she seems like a great mom ( puts the kids first, does EVERYTHING they want , provides for them ,ect) but she takes it too far. She 's spoiled these kids to the point that if she tells them no which is rarely they have a giant mental break down and once they break down she goes into full on ignore mode and expects me to deal with it. I tell them no constantly but these kids are fucking smart. They will play us against each other.

If you didn't catch on by the first paragraph we are a mixed family. We both have two kids from previous marriage so these are my step kids. I fucked up very early on in the relationship trying to step up and be step daddy . It's bitten me in the ass so much.

[–]_-resonance-_-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Ok man, so you need to play the long game here. Get ready:

Start cutting your hours at work. You’re setting the precedent (which is all the courts care about: “precedent”) that you make the money and she watches the kids. Fight this by transforming your coparenting relationship to that of “50/50” and be able to prove it is such.

She will shit test you to make more money; call you a loser, etc. Its all so she can divorce rape you later and get custody, child support, alimony. Be smart. Tip the scale so she becomes the higher earner (assuming you’re headed for divorce).

The more you earn, the more you prove yourself as betabux and she proves herself as custodial parent. Get comfortable living with less and let the emotional burden fall on her. Many will say this is not OYS, but dude it is: you’re manning up by owning your capacity to live with less and not let feminazi pressure affect your self worth and esteem. Let womyn’z need for fancy things become her problem. Let her work to support her self. Spend your money on your self and bettering the relationship you have with your child.

Prove that you are leading the charge with these four things: educational rearing, extracurricular, religion, and medical. Set these appointments. Attend all of them. Document it all. This is how courts establish parenting time, etc. Hire a nanny so your wife can work. Fight. Be smart. Be patient. Play the long game. Feel free to message me.

[–]cryptoworld2[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Great advice. Thanks. I was already thinking that I should be spending less time working and more time parenting.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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