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Wife asks me to do small tasks / chores around the house. How should I handle this?

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July 1, 2019
9 upvotes

Background, I've read the whole sidebar except WISNIFG and I'm halfway through MMSLP. Been lifting for 2 weeks, and doing my best to STFU, AA, FOG, DARE, etc. Getting a lot of great advice reading these forums.

I've tried searching these forums for an answer on my question but haven't found anything explicit. My wife often asks me to do small things like:

"Can you carry the laundry basket upstairs? It's too heavy for me."
"Could you get X off the top shelf for me?" (Wife is only 5 foot)
"can you please walk the dog" etc.

Little things. My response has been blended. Sometimes I've used the "Are your legs broken? Do it yourself." approach. Other times I've given her shit for being short/weak while I comply. Sometimes I help sometimes not. Before rp I always said yes. What rp theory has helped me notice is just how constantly she asks me to do things. She's busy herself too, not like she's giving orders from the couch.

Basically I don't want to be taking orders from her, but I don't want to be unreasonable if she legitimately could use a hand. Should I aim for a certain percentage of tasks? Refuse all? Only help if I want to? Curious what the general consensus is.


Post Information
Title Wife asks me to do small tasks / chores around the house. How should I handle this?
Author diceblue
Upvotes 9
Comments 49
Date 01 July 2019 02:56 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/244082
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/c7tkcb/wife_asks_me_to_do_small_tasks_chores_around_the/
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Comments

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy

You decide, in your frame, on consistent rules for what you find reasonable (which will presumably include assistance truly facilitated by your manly strength and size), and respond consistently in congruence with your frame. Always keep in mind that "yes, but only after I have completed my current task/next week/month/year" is a response option.

Edit: Your post makes it clear that you have no frame of your own, of course ... but perhaps this indicates that you should also seek strategic insight, not only tactical advice, to guide your long-term progress.

[–]470_2_700_nm2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

“which will presumably include assisrsnce ... manly size ... strength”

This. I bring the groceries in all the time. I’m just better at it. I can do it In no time. I let her put it away. Garbage is another one. So is heavy laundry baskets.

Your still a little bitch. Keep going. I’ve Been at this for a while and the compliance tests have not ended. I’m not sure they ever will.

[–]FoxShitNasty839 points10 points  (23 children) | Copy

So here is my take on shit tests:

  • If she cannot do this and needs a strong man to do it then I will do it. Heavy stuff, high up stuff, damn pesky jam jar lids.

  • sometimes (majority for me) it's worth paying attention to these compliance tests because sometimes they are an opportunity to ways in which you don't own shit. I.e. sofas are knackered and need replacing. Do they?, not a shit test. Own it and get it done.

  • Get me a drink please - shit test (if I'm closer I might do it or) fucks wrong with your hands woman!! Hahaha no, STFU and leave.

It can be overcomplicated if you let it.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret9 points10 points  (14 children) | Copy

If she cannot do this and needs a strong man to do it then I will do it. Heavy stuff, high up stuff, damn pesky jam jar lids.

OP, why wouldn't you want to do these "strong man" things for her? You're being a retard, listen to /u/foxshitnasty83 here.

You wife is most cases from your example is really just looking for a strong man to give her feelz.

"can you get X off the top shelf for me?"

Should be met with:

"Sure babe. Never a problem. Did I ever tell you why I still married you at 5 foot tall? You're the perfect height for things. Like - asking me to get this off the shelf and blowjobs."

"Can you carry this upstairs for me? It's too heavy"

should be met with:

"Sure babe. But should I carry the basket or you first upstairs?"

Learn some fucking game man.

[–]FoxShitNasty833 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy

Hmmm never thought to include game in the mix... Stealing this :)

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

It's a really simple formula man.

Sexual Game + Amused Mastery = Wet Panties

[–]IRunYourRiver8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy

Yeah, but for us autistic fucks, we think of this shit 15 minutes too late.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yep, been there. With more practice you get better at it. It's a learning process and skill you have to hone.

[–]IRunYourRiver1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Interesting. Any pointers on how to improve this? Any books or sidebar material you would recommend?

[–]diceblue[S] 1 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy

Those are some great replies. Probably half the things she asks are things she could do herself, though. Like helping get a kid dressed, or bringing her something from the other room, etc

[–]FoxShitNasty830 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

When she is shit testing you look at what you are doing right at that moment? If it's watching TV or finger fucking your phone that's not a shit test that's a "your a drunk discustung captain who's not pulling his weight test". Get busy being the captain and the compliance / own your shit tests go away (not entirely). Just my opinion

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

So... what are you going to do about it? What's your action plan here?

Stop talking, do something.

[–]diceblue[S] -2 points-1 points  (5 children) | Copy

I'm asking because this is askmrp. Is the general rule "never do something for your wife she can do herself?"

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

No, it's not a "general rule". You do things because they need done, your wife has a genuine need for your help, is comfort testing you, or hey - maybe you just feel like doing something nice with no covert contracts attached.

So think about why I asked you "What's you action plan here?"

I was leading you to your own conclusion, which instead you just chose to lean on a crutch of "what's the rule here guys?"

There is no fucking "rule", man.

Maybe I'm thinking too far over your head. To spell it out: Do what the fuck YOU want to do.

[–]FoxShitNasty832 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I smell Rambo coming soon

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Definitely. OP's taking things very black and white. Like early on when I told my wife to get a fucking drink herself when she was painting with the kids, covered in paint, coughing, and I was getting something in the fridge already.

[–]FoxShitNasty830 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I remember driving off angrily in month 3 after failing to negotiate desire. Tough but important lessons :)

[–]Rifleshoot0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

No, it’s never do something that you don’t feel that you feel she should logically be doing for herself. If you are both watching a TV show or otherwise relaxing side by side and she asks you to go get her a drink, that isn’t a logical thing for her to ask when she can do it herself. If she is currently doing the dishes and asks you to take the garbage out, she isn’t shit testing you, she legitimately is asking if you will take the garbage out. I would be fine with that. Ultimately, it falls on you as the man of the house to set the bounds of what is acceptable for her to ask (your frame). The people on this board can’t define your frame for you, you have to figure that out for yourself. What is acceptable and reasonable to you?

[–]RPWolfAlpha_as_Wolf_2.01 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

I have an inside joke with my wife. She is on the feminism train, however, she will do things around the house and when she cant (usually physical) she will come looking for my help. I will always look at her and joke and one of us will always say, "You're/I'm a strong independent woman, you/I don't need no man!" and laugh. She's not coming to me to shit test me, she's coming to me because she knows she can trust me to get shit done when she can't. She understands masculine energy and it turns her on. This then translates into the bedroom when I choke her or grab her hair and say in a serious through my teeth growl, "You're a strong independent woman but you need this dick!!" It usually ends with her yelling, "Fuck me harder!!"

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

You're a strong independent woman but you need this dick!!

Really? You can form these types of complex thoughts/sentences while having sex?

[–]RPWolfAlpha_as_Wolf_2.0-1 points0 points  (4 children) | Copy

I’ll mix it up with “asking her who’s pussy this is?” and “are you a dirty slut?” Shit like that.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red-1 points0 points  (3 children) | Copy

Interesting you “ask” who’s pussy it is and “if” she is a slut.

[–]RPWolfAlpha_as_Wolf_2.04 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

Somehow I knew you were gonna flip this around with this old trope. God forbid we ask our wives for something and all women are sluts blah blah blah. Yeah I get it. I’ve been here long enough to know this by now. I also know what turns my wife on at this point as well. I’m usually saying all this to her as I’m fucking her in the ass and bashing her head through the plaster wall from my cave man pounding. Is that the answer you were looking for?

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

You should have just told me to fuck off. LOL

[–]RPWolfAlpha_as_Wolf_2.03 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fuck off Red!!

[–]redPillOnHard4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you are sitting on your ass or doing something un important, do as you are asked, it's your punishment for being a lazy bitch.

Be so busy that she doesn't dare ask you to stop what you are doing for a task she can do herself.

Ha, as I was writing this my wife walked over and asked me to open the lid on a drink. I was sitting here like a bitch, so I did it... But I acted like I was struggling, making her laugh, then I grazed her tit not so subtly as she bent over to get the bottle back.

Now I'll go walk the dog.

[–]redwall926 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy

Background, I've read the whole sidebar except WISNIFG

How do you feel when she asks you to do something?

WISNIFG is at the top of the reading list for a reason.

[–]umizumiz6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

"Well, for starters I feel guilty if I decline. Like just yesterday, at the grocery store, they forgot to bag some of my meat..."

[–]diceblue[S] -4 points-3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm afraid I don't get the joke.

It's not that I feel 'guilty' so much as I feel like an unhelpful ass.

[–]umizumiz6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

When you read WISNIFG then you'll get it.

"I understand where you're coming from, may I have my meat?"

[–]Reach180Red Beret4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Women fill idle time with bullshit requests.

Be busy with something worthwhile.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, and the busiest person most likely is the captain. OP needs to be doing shit and asking for her (first officer) help.

[–]CrazyLegs789 points10 points  (6 children) | Copy

It sounds like your wife is to polite to tell you to get off your ass. I wish I didn't have to coach my wife to get off the couch. You ungrateful bastard.

You should be working with her, as a team, to get the daily stuff done. If she's on her feet, you are too. Then you can both sit down and enjoy some time together, or working on stuff alone. Without interruption.

[–]SkimTheDross7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

If she's on her feet, you are too.

Solid gold nugget of wisdom right there.

[–]Rifleshoot1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

That’s something that I am learning. RP is not some route to train your wife to do everything for you so that you can sit on your ass and play video games and watch TV. It’s a way to retrain your own mind to be the kind of man that a woman will respond to. If there’s work that needs to be done, the man should be leading the charge to get it done. The woman should be following him and awaiting instruction. That’s the ideal dynamic. I heard a story just this weekend about a couple that got divorced. This was a wealthy and successful man that by all conventional wisdom would have been a real catch for a woman. But ultimately, she ended up becoming a second mother for the guy. He would have her rush home every day to fix him lunch because he couldn’t be bothered to do it himself. If she ever went out of town, he couldn’t even be bothered to fix his own food or even go pick something up. She cooked his meals in advance. Women don’t like lazy men around the house, regardless of how successful they are in their professional lives.

[–]diceblue[S] -4 points-3 points  (3 children) | Copy

At what point did I say I was sitting on my ass in this scenario? She asks me things like this at all times of day, whether I'm busy with something or not.

[–]CrazyLegs788 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy

Guilt by omission. Look dude, I've got nothing to win/lose here, so quit being defensive and learn. What kind of man has to be asked to walk the fucking dog? That's the easiest/best chore ever. You should be so on top of your game that you're asking her what she needs from the top shelf before she starts cooking dinner. You should have already purchased two smaller hampers from walmart so that she could carry the laundry herself.

The point that went (way) over your head is that, your wife thinks you need to be told what to do for a reason. What is that reason? Answer that and you can fix yourself.

[–]FoxShitNasty832 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Walking the dog is the best thing ever, 10k steps a day, headspace and practice day game on everyone. Win, win!

[–]diceblue[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'll try to pay attention to the "when" when asked to do stuff. There are two possible scenarios here: a lazy husband being pestered to be productive, or a busy husband with a wife who constantly pecks at him to do more/other stuff. My situation is more of the second.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like you need to spend more time at the gym.

[–]Art_MartinStill a somewhat autist2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’ve done the RAMBO thing/grappled with the same questions and recently moved past it – I was saying no to nearly everything because I wanted to be ‘strong’, and it doesn’t matter how many times people tell you it’s stupid, it’s what most of us do early on.

Here is the closest I could get to a logic trail/mental model in my own mind when I wanted to get past it–I never documented it until now. Take it with a grain of salt. There is no formal ruleset here that covers every scenario and this is basic logic(I can't emphasise that enough)– I just see this as a common sense approach running this from within your own frame to be internally consistent to get past the early/rambo stage until you can internalise your frame automatically.

So she asks you to do something ----

Is it a reasonable request in your opinion?

If Yes

Was it

a) Something you should have already done/organised yourself already and fucked up – action: do it or organise for it to be done and STFU. Learn from this and don’t fuck up again. Don't go seeking validation from mummy when done - don't ever do this anyway, but especially here.

b)Does it fit within your priorities of what you need done or something the wife needs that she cant really do herself(remembering it was a reasonable request).

  • If Yes and you are free – do it now (+- fun cocky sexual overtones)- or organise for it to be done.
  • If Yes and it’s not within your current priorities but you recognise it needs to be done. Tell her words to the effect of: Its noted and within my priorities. It will get done. And most importantly - do it when it hits the top of your priority list.
  • If No, (reasonable request but doesnt fit within your priorities at all) - this is your frame and you own that. Others will have to comment on how they approach this - it's not something I've had a lot of experience with yet since RP.

If No(not a reasonable request) – In my case that's usually basic stuff she can do herself or anything she requests to be done that doesnt meet common sense. In these cases it’s a shit test and standard A and A, Amused Mastery of other tools apply.

Shit gets done while you hold frame the whole time - wife respects, win win....

[–]adeptintact1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I understand where you're coming from and thought about this issue a lot. Since I've been red pill the last few years, in my LTR, I had to learn how best to respond to these small compliance requests while still holding frame. As others have said, if you're on top of leading and doing things on your own, you will receive less of these requests.

The first thing is, my LTR knows that if she wants me to do something, she has to ask nicely mostly with a please as a request, not a command. The moment your wife starts commanding you to do things, you've become the servant boy. Next, when she asks me to do something nicely, I first consider her request. If it's something that she is unable to do physically herself, such as she can't reach something high up or a lid is too tough for her to open, I'll do it because she physically can't. If it is something that is ridiculous that she can clearly do herself, like walk a dog, I'll straight up say no and tell her she can do it. Saying No often is a good way to handle shit tests. I know red pill teaches Agree and Amplify and Amused Mastery in such situations, but sometimes I'm not that skilled in applying this and saying No gets the job done.

If she's being annoying or irritating to me, I'll say no more often and withdraw attention. If she is in a good or happy mood and has been nice to me, I will agree to do more things for her. A good trick is to request compliance on something first before you agree to her compliance test. "Sure I'll get you a drink, but make me some popcorn first." In fact, often times I'll ask her to do small things as well just to get her to do stuff for me. It should be a give and take in a relationship.

Our sex life is great though, where she gives me awesome blowjobs almost daily and swallows every time. This in itself gives me a reason to give her the benefit of the doubt in compliance requests. If your wife gives you a lot of shit or your sex life is horrible, then there is no reason to agree to many of her compliance requests. Reward good behavior with attention, affection, and appreciation. Punish bad behavior by ignoring her and withdrawing attention, including saying no to her compliance tests. It's a solid way to manage the relationship.

[–]SirJoseppi0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I like this response a lot.

I'm currently in the middle of this as well, dealing with a wife and our newborn son. She does the majority of the feeding, changing etc and also pumps milk every few hours or so. So I do cast a pretty wide net at the moment in terms of small tasks/requests that I'm ok with, however as you mentioned, she's aware that she needs to ask things as a request, not a command. She is a control freak by nature, so this took some time to sink in for her, but it did finally.

The requests that really drive me crazy are ones that just result from poor planning on her part. "Will you grab me my water from the kitchen?" "You mean the kitchen that you were just in 10 seconds ago and could have grabbed the water yourself since you didn't have your hands full?" I give her shit for these, and she'll usually call me an asshole. Fine by me.

[–]mrpthrowa1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Learn the absolute arousing power of a simple stern "No!".

Sometimes It's absolutely ok, arousing even, to tell her "no" just for the fun of it.

"babe can you bring me water from the kitchen"

Me: "No"

"It's next to you come on"

Me: "you got some legs right?"

"Water!"

"No!".

Somehow this is very arousing to her. She won't be able to get over it and will eventually land in my lap or some shit, and I pound her and she swallows.. "there is your vitamin water babe".

She absolutely enjoys this to the extent that, the few times I mistakenly (or non mistakenly) comply with one of her requests she gives me this funny disappointed look "what's wrong with you", as if she wanted to have some more playful fun and I denied her the opportunity.

Women are weirdly fun like that.

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

"Could you get X off the top shelf for me?" (Wife is only 5 foot)

Bitch, why can't you grow? Eat your fucking vegetables.

If you are nearby, get it. If you are across the house, and the stool is right next to her, make her do it. If you don't have a stool, buy one faggot. I keep a stool in the kitchen and one in the bathroom. Mostly for the kids, but wife uses it sometimes too. They have cheap plastic ones at IKEA and they support a grown man's weight.



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