How do I deal with my lingering anger?

Cookiedoughspoon · 2019-07-04T06:03:14+00:00

Your husband is taking advantage of his position of head of the household in such a nasty way...this isn't right. Being the head means he handles the issue in a meaningful, stable way, not shoots down any hint of you standing up for yourself. I don't think he's being a very good husband.

How is your sex life if you don't mind me asking? His behavior does give off other woman vibes. You don't deserve such bad treatment. Nobody does. You're angry because you're being mistreated. Your body knows when something is wrong even though you want to just get over it. People despise being disrespected.

MbwaMvua · 2019-07-04T05:28:33+00:00

I have literally no basis but my instinct tells me the man in this story is interested in somebody else

[deleted] · 2019-07-04T04:35:46+00:00

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting#In_romantic_relationships

TippyMonster · 2019-07-04T12:41:28+00:00

He’s gaslighting you. Making you re-think certain situations that HAVE hurt you by:

A.) Telling you you’re over reacting

B.) Saying it didn’t happen

C.) Making YOU feel bad for feeling this instead of him taking responsibility for his actions and actually listening to you

I suggest couple’s therapy, get to the root of his anger. This type of behaviour is commonly seen in some abusers. Best to get to the root of the problem with a professional, before it gets worse.

transdermalcelebrity · 2019-07-04T14:49:25+00:00

He resents you for something. It may or may not be your fault. But he is behaving exactly the way my husband used to - and I behaved similar to you- earlier in our relationship before we worked some things out. So as a result he may feel like you have it so good that you have no excuse to be unhappy or to ask that he always be verbally complimentary. So your unhappiness makes him angry and pressured.

In our case it was work, money, and life goal related. At first I was the breadwinner and he was getting a more profitable degree. Our plan was that once he was working he’d be the breadwinner and we’d have kids that’s I’d stay home with (we both had working moms who really dropped the ball when we as kids needed them).

Unfortunately when he first started working he spent some years at an abusive startup getting underpaid and bullied by his manager, very toxic. Especially since he just wanted to work for the money, but his true ambition is to get published yet he’d be too wound up from work to write. He’d come home, see me exhausted and stressed from our baby and the day’s events (I was also doing all the cooking, cleaning, and shopping so that he’d have his evenings to write) and think that I wasn’t appreciative of my situation or him. That I also didn’t understand the stress of paying the bills. But I did ( especially since I had been breadwinner and bill payer), it was just a harder job running a house than he understood, and he was also projecting his work battles onto our relationship. So he’d be passive aggressive and I’d be overly sensitive.

More importantly we needed to communicate better. His resentment had to do with the areas where business and relationship crossed, and we didn’t have good rapport in that realm.

So, could you husband be having problems at work that he feels you don’t understand or appreciate? Instead of just being angry, take this as as opportunity to find a vulnerable spot in your relationship and communication that could be handled better. It could give you a deeper understanding of each other, greater trust, and a stronger partnership.

If you really have no clue then I would try to approach him at a time when you are both rested and fed and in calm moods (not right after a snarky comment). I’d ask if you could have a “business meeting”, and if that was a bad time then when would be a good time (meetings became pivotal to us and how we solve the resentment issue).

Whenever he’ll meet with you, and you both are in a productive mood, I want you to ask him how he’s doing. Is he ok? And really mean it. He may be in a bad place and deserving of sympathy. Then say you feel like you both are a little out of touch with each other and communication. Then ask him if he ever feels resentment towards you and if so you’d like to understand why. You’re goal here is to understand the problem, not search for ammo. Be clear about that.

He may be clueless to the issue in which case you say “Some things you say seem passive aggressive so I want to understand what you are unhappy with so we can work on the problem. Maybe I’m not understanding you in something or you’re not understanding me. But this probably won’t get better until we figure out what we’re really colliding about.”

Maybe you are just trying to read him too much. Maybe he is being unfair. You won’t know till you start talking. We solved our issue by treating it the same way we’d treat a work issue and using professional tactics really helps to keep the “personal” stuff from getting nasty.

Anonymous_fiend · 2019-07-04T15:43:26+00:00

Aren’t you in a poly relationship with multiple partners? The advice here is usually for monogamous long term relationship strategies. Being married to someone with multiple partners can have its unique sets of challenges. Communicating is very important in poly and any relationships so this is definitely some red flags. Maybe focus on yourself and give him some space to miss you. Be extra nice despite his rudeness. If after a month of you being nicer, dressing more feminine, taking care of him in the bedroom more often and enthusiastically, letting him take charge, and cooking him great meals he still treats you poorly/won’t communicate seek martial counseling (with someone familiar with poly lifestyles). Advice geared towards people more familiar with that lifestyle may suit you more than relationship advice for traditional marriages. I think by omitting that you are trying to get certain answers from this community or are misrepresenting the problem.

organicsunshine · 2019-07-04T13:22:40+00:00

Was this 5 day trip pre planned? Where did he go? He sounds like he is dealing with you, not loving you.

countrylemon · 2019-07-04T18:59:17+00:00

Time limits on feelings? that's so messed up and unhealthy.

glassSkullCandy · 2019-07-04T11:25:27+00:00

Run like the wind cherrie! These people feed off power and have no empathy. It's not something you can change or therapy out of a person. If you are this conflicted now... imagine how you will feel 10 years from now? Please don't do this to yourself. You are worth so much more!

sugarsmacks_79 · 2019-07-06T14:16:44+00:00

The problem isn't you. He is manipulating your feelings. I short he's is manipulative and controlling. Trust me when I say he is well aware of what he is doing. It's aka gaslighting. I was with my first husband for 19 years and had 4 children with him. He finally broke me down so bad that I had a suicide attempt. It's mental abuse and it gets alot worse. The fact that u even are questioning what is wrong with you... should be eye an opener. Sweetie ur not the issue..HE is. You can't fix him, it's just simply who he is. I recommend getting out sooner than later. It's hard to do but u will be much happier. My ex broke my spirit and love for life. I divorced him after 10 yrs ago walking away with only a bag of clothes. A yr later I met my now hubby and have a genuine happy healthy relationship. I had to rebuild my entire life and ways of thinking bc of being conditioned by gaslighting. I wish you the best of luck. Please open ur eyes and see that ur not the problem!♥️

Maybelowsmv · 2019-07-04T14:24:35+00:00

your post history is confusing me!! your partner's age and duration of relationship changes a lot??

willow_fox13 · 2019-07-04T12:29:53+00:00

Question : did something trigger his behaviour? Did you maybe have a conflict that is unresolved on his behalf?

Title	How do I deal with my lingering anger?
Author	dunkelrein
Upvotes	42
Comments	33
Date	July 4, 2019 3:29 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/c8xm39/how_do_i_deal_with_my_lingering_anger/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-do-i-deal-with-my-lingering-anger.244296 https://theredarchive.com/post/244296