(Xpost from asktrp) My wife is depressed, and I would appreciate some insight so I can help her

darklogic420 · 2019-07-02T19:18:10+00:00

You are a tyrant at work & get shit done. Do you turn off that energy when you get home? Cant remember which book it was, but you need to treat your life the same way you conquer work. Don't 'punch out' at 5PM and veg out until the next 'GO' time.

Sex God Method talks about emotion... I found verbalizing the physical traits i like about my wife, during and outside of sex, have really increased her self confidence. She eats it up.

Last piece of advice. Turn off the TV (video games or watching shows together.) If you are choosing to spend time with your wife, go do something fun AND physical. Dont go somewhere that results in you sitting down and turning off your brain (restaurant or movie, etc..) - go do something that moves your bodies. Increase the physical energy between you. Examples; Bowling, Rock Climbing, Axe Throwing, Golf Range. Give her a high-five, or get one yourself, if one of you does well... Just try to be more fun. Even going to a 'board game bar' resulted in far more positive experiences then binge watching netflix with my wife.

helaughsinhidden · 2019-07-02T16:51:59+00:00

"it's your fault"

It is... your fault.

She clearly isn't a helper on your mission or a first mate on your boat. You took off and forgot to bring her along. Without kids for her to take care of, a business to run, or some kind of goal to contribute to, then she feels useless. And no wonder too.

So, what is she? A tourist? Aging eye-candy? I don't know if having kids is a great idea at the moment, but late 30s, early 40s is ADVANCED AGE for having kids and considered high risk by that fact alone. She's got only a couple years left for this to happen naturally. She's like an aging athlete past their prime with zero championships who either wants to get released to sign with a playoff team that has a shot or for team ownership to make some changes that give her some hope. Without one of those options, they are unhappy AF no matter the money.

Having kids to save a marriage is a horrible idea. Period. Full Stop. That said, I think you waited way too long to still be "considering" having them. Indecision is weakness. If she wants kids and you don't, she's depressed knowing she spent her beauty, youth, and child bearing years with you and time is running out.

Shit or get off the pot!?

UnbreakableFrame · 2019-07-02T19:17:37+00:00

I disagree with the general sentiment that we are solely responsible for the depression of our wife. There are many more factors that cause depression than relationships. A post-wall woman with no children and nothing to distract her is almost guaranteed to be depressed. She is neglecting her most important, time-sensitive biological imperative. In some cases, women have careers or other things to distract them from this feeling of dread, but some women have nothing. Your wife is one of those women with nothing. Introverted women who don't know how to distract themselves are going to feel this existential dread so much more than other women.

That's not to say that you aren't doing anything wrong, but I believe the above statement is likely true. I also think that you are unbelievably indecisive about some really important issues.

HornsOfApathy · 2019-07-02T16:38:13+00:00

I have read the Married Red Pill post about Depressed Wives and other common posts and the mantra of "it's your fault" however while I acknowledge my own responsibility that post doesn't provide me with insight or a roadmap.

I'm the author of that post here.

You're not fun.

You're enervating.

Your wife is sitting around just begging and hoping that you'll lead her to a fun place, but you don't provide that for her. She looks to you to provide her everything in her life because.... AWALT.

So yes, this is all your fault.

I will say this which is unique to the historically and chronically depressed woman that I married: her frame is shit. My frame is not. It's a place of abundance and great joy. Which one do you think she prefers to live in? Mine. It's an escape.

There is a part #2 to the post that is advanced, but you might give it a read now that you are trying to formulate a plan of action to steer the ship to where you want it to go.

Long story short: work on yourself, for yourself. Use dread. She will become crazy. It will get worse before it gets better. Her bullshit will never stop. You must have the strongest frame out of anyone here at MRP.

Are you up for the challenge?

man_in_the_world · 2019-07-03T04:56:12+00:00

Nothing is more stressful and demotivating than being left in a vacuum in which you know you're not meeting expectations, but nobody will tell you what the rules and expectations are. When you ask you only get polite but empty reassurance and "Participation Trophies," but no specific information or feedback. When you try to push boundaries the walls are padded and rubbery; your whole life is wandering through the fog waiting for the axe to fall.

Try giving your wife very clear and important tasks, your true expectations and boundaries, which are with real effort achievable by her but nonetheless challenging. Give her frequent, specific, and above all honest feedback both negative and positive, including honesty about the consequences to her of failure.

Clear out the fog and free her from this Twilight Zone you have trapped her in, which would drive anyone insane.

ReddJive · 2019-07-03T11:59:42+00:00

Depression is a serious issue and leads to worse things. you are thinking of having kids? Post partum is a dangerous mindset, and I believe all women get it but most come out of it quickly. The chemical wash their brains go through during pregnancy and childbirth is pretty intense. If she is already in a depressive state it can get worse. You do you but my first step would be to lead her to counseling. Not ask, not beg. I would make the appointment and tell her this is the day and time. then take her there.

From what I have read here I am going to venture a guess that her depression is a habit. It's how she has kept you around and you bought it. I say this because you haven't given us any idea into what may have truly triggered her depressive state, or meds she may be on. You may not think this important but a couple of the flared men have medical training (I am a paramedic), so these details would help shed some light.

My career is one of unbridled ambition. She even complimented me that she likes that I am a tyrant in the workplace. But I am stumped on how to lead her in a way that helps her feel whole again.

This sums up your entire mindset. At work you get shit done. you give no fucks and take no prisoners.

At home you are afraid of your wife. Don't deny it. You have internalized everything as your fault so act meekly. What would you do if a project at work, that you lead, was failing? would you walk around at your employees asking them to get to work? Begging them to attend meetings, or make the deadlines they were supposed to?

At some point it stops being your problem. Depressed people want help. they just don't know how to find it and most times they don't even know there is an issue. Once lead there they normally buy into it unless the situation is that bad then it becomes more of a deep psychological issue. I am guessing your wife has lived this way to keep you and now it's the way she lives. To lead her be that tyrant at home.

Albertxcoffee · 2019-07-02T19:46:27+00:00

Im not saying be a jerk, just take the lead, and see if she follows. If shes looking for a place in life then give her one is all.

Albertxcoffee · 2019-07-03T04:50:47+00:00

Of course, if you want a way to connect with her, find a book she's already read. Read it and after your done, talk about it with her. After that, take her to a bookstore and buy 2 copies of the same book. Then you'll have at least something to talk about

Cam_Winston21 · 2019-07-03T15:52:19+00:00

Barely read past the title, but in my own marriage I had a wife that was so apathetic and lethargic (read: worthless) that we were both worried about either early-onset dementia or leukemia.

Turns out after a blood test that she was severely deficient in Vitamin D. A few weeks after supplementation & she was rounding back into the woman that I married.

For what it's worth....

RStonePT · 2019-07-04T04:15:43+00:00

Captain saveaho, reporting for duty sir

Albertxcoffee · 2019-07-02T16:52:15+00:00

Im just looking in as an outsider, but try playing the stereotypical husband and see if she plays as the stereotypical trophy wife. Maybe is the lack of a sence of purpose. Lead her into a position where she can fulfill that desire. Ask her to do the smallest lady-like and house-hold tasks. Im not saying you have to be a jerk like others will say, just be the bold, demanding man, but also be respectful. take command and let her follow you. Play house. While she's doing house chores, you cut the grass and do your other outside chores(take out trash every morning, make mop water, move furniture so it can be cleaned underneath.)
If your religious, go to church, without waking her. Wait for her to ask her where you've been after she wakes up. After a few weeks, if she asks to go with, let her. But trick her into choosing to set an alarm for herself. (Everytime you go, leave her asleep and tell her you didnt have the heart to wake her. One day, she'll get her clothes together and set her alarm the night before. Until then, learn about the church, the people, and how that church works.

When you tell her to do something, do something yourself. Tell her to wash the dishes after dinner while you write down all the money you spent today. Get up early and tell her to sweep and mop the entire house while you cut the grass. Work her hard,but with bold respect. Not brown nosing respect. Act like a strict mentor. And indulge yourself. If you like treating her like this, and she's entertaining it, then enjoy it. If she is enjoying it, then let her make you happy

SorcererKing · 2019-07-06T01:08:13+00:00

You dumbfuck.

She literally brings no value to you. You bring in all the cash. You do 1/3 of the chores. You give her duty sex. She begs you to kill the puppy and instead you go the internet to ask us to tell you what to read to magically fix it. Amazing.

Here is why you are making this hard:

I was a significantly lower value male early in our relationship and dealt with depression and confidence issues of my own and she stuck by me back then.

You are still that low value guy in your head. That you even entertain this thought proves it. That's a Blue Pill/Nice Guy/altruistic self-effacing thing to do. "I was shit and she put up with it, so now I'll hang out and put up with it." That's seriously fucked up.

You two got married very young obviously if you can say married for 17 years and you're still able to have kids. Have you considered that neither of you were ready and you're different people now?

Each second that ticks off is one you don't get back. Don't waste them, retard.

sidepiecebandit · 2019-07-07T23:33:16+00:00

I have read the Married Red Pill post about Depressed Wives and other common posts and the mantra of "it's your fault" however while I acknowledge my own responsibility that post doesn't provide me with insight or a roadmap

Lies. You haven't read shit, or should have read harder. The accepted knowledge is not that "it's your fault" but that it's not your responsibility to manage your wife's feelings. It's your fault if she treats you like shit. It's her fault if she does it to herself. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm, especially if they aren't cold. You're not that important. You will fail. You will become bitter. That's MRP 101.

Leadership is owning your shit, and if you do it well the roadmap will organically materialize. Either your wife follows or doesnt care to. Which means one of two things: 1) you aren't owning your shit 2) your wife doesnt give a fuck about you and is manipulating you into feeling guilty.

I have a feeling it's both. It's a tough pill to swallow, which you recognize and are too pussy to imbibe because of some arcane tenets of virtue signaling chivalry. Fuck off. You won't get a pat on the back, just a foot up your ass.

What your post basically says is that you've ignored two of the most important books of this group, NMMNG & WISNIFG, tried to get an answer from proponents of said books, and then acted like a bitch when you didn't get answers that reinforced your purple pill delusions.

screechhater · 2019-07-03T02:19:43+00:00

So who in the fuck stated that you stop living because you are married ?

Who is to blame that she and you “both” are bored ?

Read a little deeper in the sidebar. She hoped on a train that is finally getting some steam, but you have forgotten to “order her on board”. You’re fault

Title	(Xpost from asktrp) My wife is depressed, and I would appreciate some insight so I can help her
Author	darklogic420
Upvotes	17
Comments	51
Date	02 July 2019 04:10 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	askMRP
Link	https://theredarchive.com/post/244488
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/c8b3pf/xpost_from_asktrp_my_wife_is_depressed_and_i/