We have been married for almost 17 years. Financially and professionally life could not be better. My career is at a point where the comfort I can provide for both of us is more than I ever could do before. And this is after we moved for my job which as an added benefit brought her closer to her family. No kids yet but we seriously are discussing it. On the surface things looks great. We both go to the same gym, and lifting has had obvious benefits beyond the physical ones.
But while my star is rising, my wife is in an absolute rut. She laments that I would be better off without her, that she holds me back in life. She despairs about her body image, and has no drive to advance herself into a real career while also feeling inadequate about being a house wife. We signed her up for real estate courses so at least she could become an agent but she dropped out of that.
Is her depression unwarranted? No. I admit that I helped light this shit on fire. Five+ years ago before our move I was the one who filed for divorce back when I couldn't deal with her depression and generally being a belittling bitch to me. I even had an affair after filing (short one, regretted it as we were trying to patch things up and confessed everything). At the time when she threatened a revenge affair I told her I would leave her instantly and resume the divorce if she did that, as sex as an act of revenge was something I considered too evil to allow in a life partner. We tried going to therapy and things did improve, but I'd say it was more that she improved enough to convince me to stay.
Now back to the present.
Sex happens but it's not good or frequent. I get her off but frankly she does not do the same for me. So I stopped caring about pursuing sex with her. It happens when she is horny and I solve that for her. That sums up our entire sex life.
I bring home the money and do about 30% of the chores. She has a massive amount of luxurious time each day to pursue hobbies, to find work, or to read or play games, or even go out and socialize. She seems to prefer to sit in a corner and read. We watch shows together and play video games together, but for a lot of our time recently it feels like we're roommates with occasional benefits. And she is socially isolating herself. She seems to wallow in self remorse and pity. She clearly has suicidal thoughts but I don't believe she will follow through on it.
Long story short I am working diligently to improve myself. My workout goals are aggressive and the results are pretty good for my age. My career is one of unbridled ambition. She even complimented me that she likes that I am a tyrant in the workplace. But I am stumped on how to lead her in a way that helps her feel whole again. She isn't going to seek help on her own. I asked her to see a therapist even if it meant going without me but she refuses, stating that she doesn't trust them or indeed anyone (including me), that there isn't anyone who won't hurt her or betray her.
(New info since original asktrp post)
I have read the Married Red Pill post about Depressed Wives and other common posts and the mantra of "it's your fault" however while I acknowledge my own responsibility that post doesn't provide me with insight or a roadmap. I need either some insight into the sidebar material that I've either misunderstood or a different interpretation of RP that helps highlight this situation. Multiple posters on asktrp urged divorce, and I appreciate the cold hard candor. I have been down that road before, and while this isn't oneitis I am very reluctant to go down it again. I was a significantly lower value male early in our relationship and dealt with depression and confidence issues of my own and she stuck by me back then. I was shitty in how I repaid that, and I want to exhaust efforts in helping her before just calling it quits.