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Did any of you married men "talk" about sex before getting married?

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July 8, 2019
12 upvotes

I asked a colleague what some of the biggest things he would consider before marriage. He was referring to, how often sex was going to be had post marriage. Seems pretty compliant and like one would be negotiating for desire. Did any of you do this either pre or post red pill aware? If so, why? What was the outcome? Would you do it differently now?

He noted the top 4 things to consider are: 1. Faith 2. Family 3. Finances 4. Sex


Post Information
Title Did any of you married men "talk" about sex before getting married?
Author strngExtent
Upvotes 12
Comments 34
Date 08 July 2019 06:25 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/244865
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/caote1/did_any_of_you_married_men_talk_about_sex_before/
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[–]NightFire4536 points37 points  (0 children) | Copy

How exactly do you ask about sex after marriage?

You: Honey are we going to have great sex after marriage?

Her: Of course; nothing is going to change.

5 years later...dear r/deadbedroom .

[–]Rifleshoot15 points16 points  (2 children) | Copy

There’s no point to talking about it beforehand because she is still “auditioning for the role.” So of course she is going to say that she will always fuck like a pornstar. She will agree to whatever you suggest because she wants the ring. She may even believe herself when she says it at the time.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

She may even believe herself when she says it at the time.

This is a key part to getting past the anger phase. They are just as much a victim in all this. Ok, maybe not just as much, but still, the point is to understand the true nature of relationships, learn from it, and use it to shape the world as you see fit.

[–]Goobergus_Gubbins0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

As a dumbass that got married in the religious community without going for a test drive, I can verify that u/Rifleshoot is exactly correct.

[–]SepeanRed Beret14 points15 points  (2 children) | Copy

Without a consequence for breaking it, there is no rule. Betas can’t enforce such a rule, so it is meaningless. She’s going to break it and there’s nothing he can do about it.

An alpha on the other hand, he has power and options. He could enforce the rule. But he can use that same power to just dictate shit as he goes along, so he doesn’t need it.

Moral of the story is, rules don’t work, being alpha does.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Rules are for betas, exceptions are for alphas.

[–]Perfectinmyeyes0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Like that

[–]helaughsinhidden5 points6 points  (8 children) | Copy

Did any of you do this either pre or post red pill aware?

Nope, I we were VERY young and partied a lot, so no, we didn't talk about any of this stuff. Thankfully they kind of worked out anyway, but I am a extremely rare exception.

If so, why?

I was 18, horny, full of testosterone and she just followed me everywhere and super horny too. She just moved in because we ended up in my place every night anyway.

What was the outcome?

Like I said, a rare win playing the game this way. We'd quit doing drugs after a couple years, had a kid, then another, and another, then another, and another. We both like them though, which is saying something because there are a lot of kids / parents that i do not care for at all. Some closely related. As I grew, she grew too. She was from a broken home, not really taught any life skills at all, but could raise kids, cook, clean, and fuck. I went to work, handled the money, while she stayed home. We hardly discussed any of these things because I didn't want to compete for her attention and she didn't want to work, we just agreed for her to stay home. We both gradually went from living like absolute heathens to having faith in Jesus and being born again. That's the real blessing too, I've seen in the church MANY couples split because one changes and the other doesn't and it causes many couples to divorce oddly enough.

Would you do it differently now?

Yeah, I didn't realize then just how lucky I was. I got oneitis after week 1 man, I ignored red flags, made a lot of mistakes, and probably the worst thing I did was not communicate the exact kind of stuff I liked in the bedroom sooner. Partly because I didn't know yet, but I should have been way more open to experiment, praised her good behavior more, and been way less critical of things that didn't need said that lead to her being insecure. Now, we talk about sex all the time, and save a few rough patches that have been ironed out, it's better than it's ever been.

Contrary to what u/rifleshoot says about not having a point to talking about it, these are extremely important for the reason I mentioned. This is how YOU SET THE EXPECTATION for the role she is auditioning for. You are the casting manager, the director, the producer, and the lead male role, so you have to tell her what's expected for the leading lady. Sure, she could lie and tell you what you want to hear, but if you are leading, you are writing the script.

Example: My wife doesn't like pop music, never has. Classic rock and roll, or christian music, that's it. I saw that Selena Gomez video "good for you" where she's acting like she's in heat for her man and talking all kinds of crazy horny stuff. I casually mention to wifey that when I hear that song, it reminds me of her. Two months later, she's playing that album in the car and has a new pandora station based off that song and plays it while giving me a lap dance.

Have the talk. Set the bar. Make your wants and needs known. It's impossible to expect someone to give you what you want if you don't make it known and understood.

[–]PillUpAss0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

IF you have frame and are attractive, this is a good approach. Still may not work but has a chance.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

You can't negotiate desire.

[–]helaughsinhidden3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy

Right, I agree you can't negotiate desire, it is either there or it isn't. If it's not, don't even bother asking those questions at all I suppose.

However, that has nothing to do with what you expect from her in a relationship. Things like, how you invest or spend money, or the morals you want to raise your kids with, and yes knowing if they even like to have sex are big picture things. Long term compatibility.

You are conflating the entirety of an LTR with momentary sexual desire. A man who doesn't reveal his mission to his mate has zero chance of getting there and that's what those questions are about. MISSION. If your whole mission is just about making her desire you sexually then you've missed A LOT.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando-1 points0 points  (4 children) | Copy

A man who doesn't reveal his mission to his mate has zero chance of getting there

A man whose mission relies on a woman's buy in has zero chance of getting there.

[–]helaughsinhidden2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

.............so

You suggest to specifically NOT ask about kids, faith, money, and sex? Just skip that part of vetting for marriage because you are (shouts like a drill sergeant) ATTRACTIVE AND STUFF!

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I'm not saying that you can't or shouldn't ask. But if you must ask, you have to remember that a). most women will tell you what you want to hear / what they want you to hear (because they are auditioning for the part) and b). what she tells you today will have no bearing on what she feels or thinks in 5 years time or even 5 days time.

You could meet a 20 something who says she never wants kids, doesn't believe in God, is financially independent and career focused and is down to fuck every day.

So you marry her.

A couple of years later, she's screaming for a baby. So you have a kid.

After kid No.2, she decides she no longer wants to work, gives up her job, then gives up sex and finds Jesus.

Then, when the kids hit the ages of 5 and 7, she tells you that she's going on holidays with her Mom then goes off and group fucks a bunch of satanists at a BSDM party, then comes back and tells you that she's no longer in love with you.

So yeah, you can ask all you like, vet as much as you want, but the only real way to get a woman to stay on the same page as you with regards to kids, faith, money, and sex is to be attractive and to lead.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

the only real way to get a woman to stay on the same page as you

...is to not care if she is on the same page as you. If your unit doesn't function properly you can get a drop-in replacement. If you can't achieve that, then it is a you problem, not a her problem.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

...is to not care if she is on the same page as you.

Truth.

[–]ChokingDownRPRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

All answers are subject to change because AWALT. And she might be right to do so:

When my wife and I first started fucking/dating, I asked her how often she thought we should have sex in our relationship. "At least once a day" she said. That all changed when I became a fat, video game playing asshole who was no fun.

[–]JameisBong3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

My BPD ex wife promised alot of sex, cooking and travel...turns out she lied, you know women and emotions. Thats how i found the RP. What a woman feels pre Marriage isn't what she'll feel after she has her first anchor baby.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

I’ve never known a happily married man for longer than 2 years.

Never.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm happily married. 12 years. Wasn't easy but I'm happy as fuck. She is a bitch but also a pretty good girl. I just fucked her on the couch and made her cum. Then she demanded I cum in her mouth.

It's not easy but if you are a man of value you can make a woman fall in line. Im still learning and new but she has turned a 180.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Reading some of your past posts certainly suggests you’ve been white knuckling it for a long time.

Good that you seem*** to have things sorted for the moment

[–]WesternhagenWinner2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Her answers to all of the top four subjects, like any other subject, have the unspoken preface "what I feel right now is..."

[–]simbarlionRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Most of the 'written' part of the marriage (society norms, like don't cheat) favours her.

What favours you (e.g. sex on tap, nice cooking, she won't get fat) is a verbal agreement only, largely based on the conditions of the relationship at the time you propose. If she does the ironing, you expect that will continue, but there is no gaurantee. If you have sex 3 times a week, you think that will continue for ever through the marriage.

For obvious reasons, you can see that over time the written parts of the contract don't change but the 'verbal' parts become open to interpretation.

And so, my friend, you will see that marriage is fairly one sided contract.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Questions:

  1. Kids

  2. Religion

  3. Where do you want to live?

  4. What do you want for your life?

  5. Is sex important to you?

  6. Money

Answers:

  1. I have mine, cant have more and do not want yours

  2. None. I dont care what you do.

  3. Downtown Dallas, 40th story bachelor pad

  4. Happy man, happy clan

  5. Yes

  6. Mine is mine, yours is yours.

[–]alphabachelor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You don't "talk".

You set expectations before getting married and you vet before saying I do. And structure things to walk away with minimal liability if things somehow do not work out.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Once I learned to “take a knee” and then “stopped being so pissed at Bob Villa” things got a lot better.

Anyho, STFU and learn abundance.

Absolutely do not accept a dip in it before or after the wedding, because of Stress. Then you aren’t participating in your life. Set your bar.

Whatever you do, don’t walk behind her at the grocery store with the cart and her purse.

Dread. Level 8, minimum. Level 5 could do it if you stay with it.

I never said a word. She has always had to work to keep me. Until recently, when I decided to work myself to death. The I fucked up. Then I found this place. Course corrected and walla. My give “a fuck o meter” is broken on her agenda

[–]black_jack_davy1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Married long before RP was a known concept. PUA existed but no one knew about it yet.

At 21, we did have a brief conversation about it after being engaged. Both naïve virgins, so we needed to figure out what we needed to figure out. After a discussion of logistics and realizing we didn't know enough to prepare anything, we checked out LaHaye and read The Act of Marriage so we knew what to expect.

We made some mistakes, as a consequence. Hormonal birth control, for instance. If your tradition permits BC, don't use hormonal BC. We use the copper IUD now after having tried a few over the years.

As far as frequency goes, I don't think that with virgins you'll have a good basis to know how often works for you. Yes, more is better, but at least the first couple of years having sex just took a long time, like 2+ hours in the bedroom. (Now a relaxing session is thirty minutes max.) You'll have years to figure it out together, aided by our understanding of married man game. Just don't become sex-obsessed, which is an unfortunate side effect of reading game.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Actions show who you are. words show who you pretend to be.

There is no summit meeting that you have with your wife/GF/LTR. You show her what you expect by enforcing your boundaries. You don't just hand her a book of rules nor set her down and go over things. Her dad did that and she still snuck out of the house to the trash can party to jerk off the football captain. you show through your actions, it is your own self respect, core values and terms you live by. It's about you knowing what you want and what boundaries you have and to follow them. That way, no one controls you.

Women use sex to get something, hell not just sex pretty much everything. Sure they enjoy fucking but they very clearly see it as a currency. they know you want it and they will demand a payment. Keep negotiating that price. Let us know how that works out.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It's a fundamentally flawed perception about how a woman communicates. She may even tell you an answer she 100% believes is true. But that's based on the fact that she feels a certain way about you, right at that moment.

So you may ask, "What do you think about the purpose of sex in marriage?"

But she hears, "How do you feel about the purpose of sex in marriage"

So she answers, "I feel it's important"

Because right now, that's how she feels.

Men are surprised that years later her message is different. But don't understand that she feels different.

Don't have a conversation about information and rational ideas with a woman, have an emotional conversation with her and you won't be disappointed.

[–]CrazyLegs780 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I tried it before I found MRP. My wife confronted me with the love languages crap. I told her my love language was absolutely sex, and that 2-3 times per week was optimal. Now I cringe about that. It was mostly validation seeking on my part any way.

In all honesty, the quantity of sex with my wife may have gone down but the quality has gone up post MRP. I never really get rejected, but I'm so exhausted from work, gym, and school that I can't even think about it most nights of the week. Sounds gay I know. She usually initiates once or twice a week, and we usually get after it on the weekends.

The obvious difference is - now she wants it, before she wanted to shut me up.

[–]PillUpAss1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

“My love language is ATM.”

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

That does sound gay. Those are rookie numbers, you gotta pump them up.

[–]Gtrplyr38380 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Plenty of sex before marriage with every indication that it would increase after marriage. It dried up. Took me 17 years before I had the balls to move out. Always be ready to walk if you aren’t getting any. I am glad I finally got out. No sense in getting married. Just smash and enjoy yourself until you don’t...then move on.

[–]Aechzen0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Hell yes, I talked about sex before getting married. Wife is bi. I mostly wanted to know how bi she is and whether I'm going to get left for a chic. Also, it's a lot easier to fulfill fantasies if you know what they are.

I would say the top 4 are: 0) faith; sure; I'm an atheist, and I wasn't interested in marrying a woman who believes in magical thinking. Back in my single days on match, this was really useful to dramatically narrow my selection of women to only women I was interested in knowing. 1) is she hot and does she bang you the way you want to be banged 2) does she own her shit, which is not limited to the money she makes but also the money she spends 3) sure, you should agree about whether you'd have an abortion / whether you want kids / how many kids / whether you would have a baby if the fetus is going to be downs or some other awful health issue 4) look around at her family; are they mostly stable people who own their shit? Are they mostly healthy?



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