Together 6 years, married 6 months. 24m and 23f Just started TRP after following dead bedroom and glancing at mgtow. Didn't find what sounded right in either.
Gym 3 times a week, doing SL 5x5, not sure what my max lifts are. Navy method says 19%BF. 6'3" 185 lbs.
Read NMMMG, reading WISNIFG
So, I was, and still act like/am a blue pilled simp most of the time. My wife holds the keys to our relationship, and shit if it feels like shit. I have no frame, no idea wtf I am doing, and the only skill I thought I had was STFU until today.
Im not an emotional person. Im not bound to outbursts or anger. I spent my entire childhood being told that men don't feel or show emotion by both parents. Kinda fucked me up. My wife repeats this. If I disagree with her, I'm yelling. If I get angry, she treats me like im going to beat her. I've never laid a hand on her or even shown a violent impulse in 6 years. Violence makes no sense to me in most cases, except as a response to violence.
I tend to have to think out my answers, my motto for a long time was "it's better to say nothing than say something stupid." Now I think that was just an excuse for being indecisive.
My wife, I can tell, is looking for leadership but fighting me every step of the way when I try to show it. Questions that she asks, but wants me to answer her way, advice on her relationships, questions about our future. I've always deferred to her on this shit. In my mind it was because I didn't care. Now I know it is because I thought my wants were less important than hers. "Happy wife happy life" was uttered more times in the last 6 months than anything else I was told. All I could think was "am I just not important?" Well. No. Im not. No one gives a fuck about me. Not our parents, not her, not my boss. If I want someone to give a fuck about me. It's gotta be me.
And that's where I am. Smashing through the sidebar but finding myself to balless to apply it. Trying to get through the idea that IT WON'T GET BETTER IF I DON'T.
Today, I passed(I think) the first shit test I've ever passed. Could have failed. I did get pissed for once and she pouted. Girl lives to pick at my skin blemishes. I told her no. She did it again. I raised my voice again and told her to go fuck off. She started pouting and I STFU and went back to what I was doing. For the first time, I didn't DEER when I got angry. I HAVE A GOD DAMNED RIGHT TO BE ANGRY that's my new mantra. I have the right to feel how I feel and not fucking apologize like the pussy I am.
And man has this been a struggle against DEERing, and with a ton of comfort tests. "What if you get hotter than me and leave me for some skinny gym chick." My response "guess you have to try harder" with a grin. Then I get called to cocky and an asshole. "Okay" and STFU. Keep to my routine. Gym. Work. Research. Improvement. When she goes to bed, hobbies. Music, video games, computer programming. It's annoying, but fuck the girl never sits down. And if she's doing shit, I have to, or im a lazy shit bag and that's unattractive. But man, it sucks. Up at 6, don't sit down till 8. Actually, it's a bit empowering. Just... boring.
As for her... she works 8 a day, cooks, cleans, is super affectionate, validates me without my asking or looking at all. Wants non-sexual intimacy. Even the frequency of sex is decent. 2-3 times a week, mostly her initiating. Truth is, IAHBNFH. She doesn't put work into her appearance, doesn't try to be sexy, and hates when I mention wearing X, or trying Y.
I came to MRP for the self improvement. Im working on it. It's too soon to tell if im just fucking it all up.
I came to askMRP to see what nasty foot up my ass you guys could give, and see if there is anything you guys pick up on that I am missing that might point me in a better direction.