1.5yrs since I found MRP. 315sq, 340dl, 155bp (rehabbing left shoulder), 5'11 185. I've lost 40ish lbs and gained a ton of muscle. Read literally 100% of sidebar, need to circle back as it's been 3-4 months since I've spent time studying it. Two awesome kids, 8 and 3.
I've owned my shit. Better life, crushing my career, consistent at the gym, actually practiced a lot of baseball with my son so I'm back ripping lasers in Amateur ball, etc. Life is good.
My wife lost her shit the first time I didn't apologize for something I wasn't sorry about. I was such a doormat. Tried to change slowly, went semi-Rambo. Wife wound up meeting up with an old fling some and making some bad decisions at month 4ish (lied to me, they made out, which I am 98% certain is the truth -- I could detail why but it's irrelevant). Talk about making outcome independence easy. My default since then is that were getting divorced unless she proves herself to be a better wife, a better Mom, etc.
If that happened right now, I'd file the next day. I told her the only reason we have a chance is the kids. I was such a pile of shit that I'm starting to let it go. I'll never view women the same, especially her. AWALT. She has owned her mistake and gave me all her passwords, checks in enthusiastically and basically doesn't do anything without my permission.
She's been... awesome the past 10-12 months. Feminine, submissive, clean, cooks all the time and she's doing "I would never do that" stuff in the bedroom (anal, swallowing, etc.). Comfort tests are occasionally, shit tests are rare. She has added a ton of value to my kids and my life. She was a worthless iPhone addict and now she's legitimately what I need from a wife.
A months ago, I outlined my future and what it would take to be a part of it. Captain, FO. She also was to take my last name (she kept hers... so blue pill). She didn't agree and said that's a lot to think about. I told I want this version of her on my team but I will have an awesome life either way. She has been embracing the model herself for months, she just didn't know it.
A couple weeks ago, I checked in on her search history and saw, "how to send secret messages." After kids went to bed, I asked her if she had anything to share, she didn't, so I told her we'd be getting divorced and outlined how it would go down. She was confused and quite sad. I fucked up -- she showed me her browser immediately showing that her search was based around dread. My phone has been buzzing at night and she was afraid it was other women. From looking at it, it's clear that's what happened.
She said that she's scared, walking on egg shells, and worried that I'll file at the drop of a hat. I reiterated I want her on my team but divorce is an okay option if she doesn't want to sign on. I ended the conversation as it started so heated and told her we could address the marriage/last name thing.
I should mention that she's all sorts of ego invested in "partner" marriages and keeping her last name, etc. I knew that when we got together, but fucking agreed at the team. Damn I hate that version of myself.
The next day, she told she can't sign up for that marriage. She wants someone that sees her as an equal, etc. She told me how much she loves me, loves our life, etc but she can't do it.
I told her that I wouldn't have married her if I didn't think she was smart, talented, etc and that I know she naturally defers to me. But if she wasn't able, that's fine.
So, I'm proceeding with the divorce. We're meeting jointly with a lawyer to tangle out some weird financial nuances then work with the attorney I met with months ago to ensure I don't screw anything up. Everything is split up, custody has been outlined and agreed upon, etc. I moved into the guest room to avoid having to "talk about it" all the time.
Then a few days ago, she told me she'd take my last name but not be unequal. Same conversation. She feels horrible, loves me so much but can't give up that part of herself. Understood, but that's not ok for any marriage I'll be a part of. No worries.
Since then, she's been coming down to my room to fuck my brains out. It's all she has left, throwing her body at me. It's fun, but it doesn't change anything for me.
My assessment is that she's doesn't want to lose me, but her ego investment in feminist marriage -- her actions tell me she's there but the words don't follow. I am at this point a bit prematurely in retrospect, that's a factor.
She's a damned good wife at this point and made some huge, positive changes in nearly all factors of her life. But, I'm sure as hell not going to continue the marriage in her frame. I've tried that, it's a fucking nightmare.
My background is sales. This feels like a negotiation where in party has no leverage. Very often, the simply need a win. Any win, some compromise. I've legitimately won $100k deals by saying no to everything, getting to a stalemate, then offering to send some swag to secure the deal. And it worked. My gut tells me she needs some swag. But, I know buyers more than women...
Is there something I could do to give her a path to my future? Or, does a solid future for me require her to give a part of herself and turn her back on the ego investment?
Any advice is appreciated.