Reading: The Rational Male (a bit over my head/hard to understand), Art of Seduction and Tactical guide. I've read the side bar, but I have trouble remembering things/lost in the material.
Lifts: 365 Dead, 275 Squat (I've been slacking on squats due to a knee injury) and 265 Bench. BJJ, Muy Thai, Kickboxing.
Lifting 3 days a week, MMA 3-4 days a week. Competing in BJJ in a few months.
During the day yesterday, I texted my wife and told her that I couldn't wait to man handle her that night. It went over well, good response from her. I left it at that, she was busy at work.
She came home, we hit the gym together, dinner, etc.
I yet again failed a shit test/reaction test from my wife. The thing is, I completely identified it as it was happening and instead of laughing it off, I got irritated with her (not irritated, but I didn't use it to my advantage). She was basically talking to coworkers today at work and the discussion was about one of the male coworkers and his new girlfriend.
Apparently the girl is from a really wealthy family. Girl has a wealthy older brother. Wife jokingly mentioned that she wants to double date with them and that her and I would both benefit from it because she would get a bunch of $$ from him. Her tone was definitely in a joking manner and it was super obvious and I responded poorly. It's not that I was mad at what she was saying, I just didn't take advantage of the situation to show abundance mentality. I even got a little defensive. The second I responded, I already knew I fucked up.
There were a number of things I could have said: "Yeah make sure I get a Rolex too with a shit grin on my face", "Do they have another sister? We could really get a lot out of them then", etc. I literally could have said anything besides my negative response. It wasn't until after my response and the convo was almost over that I made the Rolex comment. She still laughed about it, but I've already showed my scarcity mindset, so my comment didn't really hold any ground.
We have both been hitting the gym really hard lately and were exhausted, so after dinner we put on a movie and were about 30 min in, I paused the movie and told my wife to take her clothes off. She surprisingly responded to it, but the sex wasn't all that intense. I went down on her to get her going (which didn't last long, I usually make her orgasm from it, but she obviously just wanted it to be over with) and she told me to put it in. I told her that my dick was dry and she needed to get it going. She gave me a half-assed bj and then we started. She orgasm'd but I could tell she wasn't into it all that much. It was definitely semi-starfish/duty sex.
This is completely different from this past weekend where she had such a violent orgasm and was the loudest she's ever moaned. This was after a week+ of no sex (she was on a business trip).
*Am I looking for sex too often? Should pull back a bit, still initiate, but make it less frequent (at least while I'm trying to reprogram myself). As of recent, when she gives me starfish/duty sex, I try to caveman her and I've been applying that mentality.
I'm starting to recognize and be more aware of these little reaction tests from her, but I keep getting caught in the moment. I'm starting to become more and more aware of things in general. That being said, I feel like my reactions are so far off from my normal self, which is probably so noticeable to her. (my purple pill ways, I was a blue piller during a previous relationship, but have since recognized to put myself first). I think she can sense that I'm working through these and trying to respond to things accordingly, but I still keep fucking it up. I feel like the past several weeks I've been all over the place with how I handle things, that she is taking note and hyper aware of it all.
Here are my other questions:
Everything that I read, it is mentioned that each day starts fresh, we have a reset button.
That being said (trying to figure out how to word this), do the negative ways I handle things stand out a lot more than when I handle things correctly? I can't imagine it being 50/50. I feel like for every negative blue pill responses, I need several alpha/red pill ways to counteract it.
And if so, does 1 day of me applying red pill to future situations really have all that much impact of her views towards me or does one really need months of continuous, everyday red pill days to really make a dent and making a change?
What I'm trying to say is that some days I feel like I have my shit together, abundance mentality, IDGAF, etc and I respond well to her shit/reaction tests and other days are like this situation where I completely drop the ball.
For example: I've been doing MMA for a few months now and I brought the wife to a kickboxing class (she needs to lose another 10 pounds or so) so she could get a great cardio workout in. One of the trainers is an amazing martial artist and she made a comment like "oh, maybe I need him to train me" and I completely laughed it off/responded well ( I think I mentioned that yeah he's good, but have you gotten a whiff of him? The guy is a really stinky person), regained frame a bit.
I've read that certain situations you can be more alpha and stand out over others (and ultimately be more attractive to your wife) and in situations like this (me being a new MMA student) I'm seen as less alpha because of the environment and my lack of skill. So, the females hypergamous nature, she is naturally drawn to the "alpha" in the room.
How are you supposed to handle these situations? I'm on my mission (one being to get really good at MMA) and I have that goal oriented mentality, but I'm not really sure how to be more alpha in a situation where I'm on the lower end of the food chain.
I also feel like I'm still in red pill rage and it's haunting me. It actually making me over think things more. I'm already an over analytical person to begin with (as you can tell with this post), so this red pill rage doesn't help.