Hi all.

This is a very difficult thread for me to make. Hell, it was even very difficult for me to summon the courage to put what I'm about to write into words, despite the fact that I know that I'm anonymous. I've been a lurker of TRP and asktrp for some years now, and I know that many of you guys often give solid advice based on solid red pill principles. However, some of the guys here seem to enjoy treading (and crossing) the line between productive advice and callousness. This is the single aspect my life that hurts the most and makes me emotionally vulnerable as a man, and so I ask, genuinely, that you keep this thread serious and your advice genuine. Thank you.

There's a tremendous amount of anguish that's built-up inside me over the years. And so, I want to take this opportunity to let it all out. This will probably be a lengthy post (although I will endeavour to keep it short), but it will also serve as desperately-needed catharsis for me. Since you're all here contributing your time freely, I apologize in advance.

I'm not going to get into the details, but I had a very hard, and in some ways tragic, childhood. I'm not here looking for pity; there are plenty of people who had very hard and tragic childhoods. I understand and accept that life is not fair, and that all that matters is how we act in response to such things. Even so, it's important to briefly mention this, because this part of my life is what has turned me into the man I am today.

This past has made me a heavily scarred man - both emotionally and physically. (And because I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea, this has nothing to do with sexual abuse or anything of the sort - I just had a really tough and painful life.) I responded to this trauma by making bad choices in many aspects of my life. But due to what I will loosely describe as my "intelligence", I was able to learn from my bad decisions, and harness my tremendous emotional pain to begin - against all odds - succeeding in life. I learned that my terrible life and the resulting pain and scarring was both a blessing and a curse, and I began using it to dive head-first into life and attempt to excel at everything I did.

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A few years ago, several years after I had started turning my life around, I discovered Rollo's work, the red pill, and by extension, TRP and asktrp. I started devouring red pill (intersexual dynamics) content, primarily focusing on Rollo's content, but also others, such as Rian Stone, Rich Cooper, Black Label Logic; and I have continued consistently studying and internalizing red pill content for years.

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Skipping the details, I am now in my mid-20s. All of that anguish - and more - remains, but it has made me fiercely resolute.

In my mind, given what I rose from and what I had to overcome, and given my current state and my (perceived) future trajectory, I've (perhaps, incorrectly) been perceiving myself as a high SMV alpha that women should be eagerly competing against each other for. Given the title of this thread, the evidence obviously suggests that, not only have I misjudged my SMV, but that I've grossly misjudged it and my SMV is, in reality, disgustingly low?

I'll begin listing some of the stuff that leads me to (perhaps, incorrectly) think that I have high SMV.

I would describe myself as highly ambitious, disciplined, "grit-ty", and all of the other admirable traits that people associate with masculinity (despite the subject of this thread; as Rollo says, alpha is a mindset, not a demographic). Due to my past, I've accumulated a lot of scars and had to grow up very quickly, which changed my personality to something that I'd say is more towards hyper-masculinity. The fact that I was able to rise from such a bad position in life so quickly, and excel in the ways I have, gives me the sense that I can accomplish anything in life and that the world is my oyster. And so, I am securely my own "mental point of origin" and chasing my aspirations. I do not tolerate people that hinder me or behaviors that do not serve me.

I am a competitive (insert-something-associated-with-lifting). Because of this, I have high (compared to the average person or even the average gym-rat) lean body mass and (usually) low ("shredded/ripped/insert-normie-term") bf% (since I need to make weight). (And no, I don't take any "supplements".)

I also train several (effective - no "bullshido") martial arts (although, I am far more experienced when it comes to the lifting-related stuff than the martial arts).

I also think that I have good (although, not excellent) social skills. When I'm in an environment or situation that's social, I usually switch to extrovert-mode and just smoothly start and carry conversations with random people, which often turns into me and another guy or me and a group of guys sitting around, losing track of time, and talking for an extra hour after a class, gym session, or something similar. So I think it's unlikely that I have aspergers or autism, despite any impressions this lengthy thread may give.

My natural features are masculine (features excluding muscle and body fat; height over 6 feet tall). This, combined with the lifting-related features, make it so that people generally find me visually intimidating (and I'm guessing that this is especially true for women).

And this is probably not very informative, but I'd say that I have an above-average face, due in part to the factors I mentioned above (such as low body fat). But I wouldn't say that my face on its own is anything special, since there are plenty of guys walking around with much more handsome faces than mine.

I'm highly educated, with various degrees in "advanced" and "highly technical" subjects. (I'm not implying that the subject areas matter to women; I'm just trying to convey some idea of potential earning ($$$) power to you guys.)

I've been (solo) building the foundations of a tech startup for the last 2-3 years. The startup idea itself is highly technical and based on recent innovative research (at the PhD/researcher level), so when I say that I'm "building a startup", it's not like a lot of the asinine "startups" you hear about these days. I've even had VCs indicate interest in joining (although, I've put them on hold, since I think they will be more useful at later stages).

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However, since I'm still in university at the moment, I'm also poor. All of my money goes to the above pursuits, paying tuition, and paying the rent for my studio apartment. And so, I understand that my SMV could take a big hit from being poor. Even so, as we all know, alpha fucks gets better sex than beta bucks (because of genuine desire), so I don't see this as a big factor.

And all of my time goes towards these pursuits. To find time for everything, I actually use my apple calendar to plan every hour of the day. Although, as I understand it, being "productively" busy in this way doesn't actually lower SMV, and actually increases it (since the activities themselves increase SMV, and for other reasons related to women's perception of your life and productivity).

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Now, let's get to the bad stuff.

I'm a virgin who has never even held hands with a girl before, let alone kissed one or had sex. I don't think anyone who knows me or interacts with me would ever suspect such a thing, but it's true. I'm not one of those guys that sits around and demeans themselves by describing themselves as "incels", but in my case, it is technically true that I am an incel, and I can't hide from reality.

In the manosphere, guys often talk about the "lost boys" generation, or the guys who are too lazy to put in the work and instead sit there in self-pity, or the guys that are so beta and blue pilled that their behavior more closely resembles the feminine rather than the masculine; but I'm none of these things. I already became "red pill" through my harsh experiences in life, and it is mostly Rollo's work that has, and continues to, really tie everything together in a coherent theory. I'm not some blue pill "nice guy" who did "everything right" his entire life so that one day when he's 30 he could have the "privilage" of wifing-up some post-wall single mother. I'm the guy that went through hell, did everything wrong, bounced back, and thrived through his own blood, sweat, and tears. And yet, we all know that even beta guys get laid, even if it isn't anywhere near as good as what Chad gets. In red pill discussions, the focus is almost exclusively on these guys and their situation; and rightfully so, given the statistical reality. But what about the guy in the 0.0001%? How is it that someone like me ends up in this situation? I ask myself this question everyday.

Pain developed as an evolutionary mechanism to encourage certain behaviors in animals and discourage others. And since your brain wants you to procreate as one of its highest priorities (see Maslow's hierarchy of needs and research that shows that the males brain prioritizes sex over food), it sends you signals of pain when you don't; hence depression. The pain never goes away; it only grows. But this same pain can be channelled and used for productive or unproductive purposes. Most people use it for unproductive purposes; I made the choice to use it for productive purposes, which is what the red pill advocates. But, as I said, that doesn't make the pain go away. Your brain is constantly telling you that you're a biological failure.

The thing is, it's far better to be in the position of the beta loser rather than in my position. The beta loser hasn't done anything and therefore still has hope; hope that one day, if he gets his shit together and puts in the work, he will be ok. But what about the guy that has already put in the work but without success? As you could guess, that guy becomes despondent.

So, what do you guys think? What advice do you have for me? Honestly, part of me can't believe that I'm in this situation. I just continue using it as fuel to improve and push myself to new heights.

I actually recently got an invite to fight in local amateur MMA competitions. I was initially adamantly against it, given how clear the medical research is about sub-concussive brain trauma leading to CTE; and given the things I'm doing, my brain and the intelligence it offers me are critical. But, honestly, the more I think about it, the more I just want to say fuck the universe and do it.