Don't know how long me (29) and my wife (34) will last - 5 years married & autistic son, feeling stuck, bored, and like we're not really friends anymore.

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July 15, 2019

r/relationship_advice told me to post this here.

My goal is to remain married and grow together, but I feel like I've hit an emotional roadblock and am feeling trapped/depressed/not friends with my wife.

We met 6 years ago, got married after dating for a year and a half. I grew up in the church and invited her in and we found an amazing community to build our faith together. We moved closer to her family to help take care of our son who is on the autism spectrum, and since then I've just felt like nothing is easy or chill or fun anymore. We also don't have a ton of friends or community where we live now, only some immediate family members. She grew up partying and I grew up as a Christian, abiding by most of the rules, and was a virgin up until meeting her.

We take a good amount of trips, we have fun together occasionally, but typically our life involves me working from home, my wife works part-time, but we have polar opposite jobs, and my wife worries about our son and it suffocates most of our conversations. We love each other, we have a healthy sex life, and we have fun as a family unit, but I constantly find myself not really get along with my wife anymore.

We've taken 2 dates this year. We don't have a lot of the same interests. My wife is incredibly responsible, but almost to the point of annoyance where it's very hard for her to let her guard down and have any level of peace. She's difficult to travel with, very opinionated, has a hard time going with the flow. She has a very commanding personality, and I have a completely relaxed personality. We butt heads a lot when dealing with the "how" in day to day life. We usually get similar results, but the arguments come out of how we are doing the task. Simultaneously, I try to spice things up all the time and work with our differences, but we always seem to net out in the same arguments - circles.

I know all of this seems generic, and nothing is specifically wrong, but this relationship is very hard to enjoy at the moment. I'm affected by other relationships or women who seem like they are so easy or easy to talk to, but I look back at mine and it just seems so bland.

In the midst of all of this, I've been watching pornography since I about 2003 and watch it still on and off, but my wife or anyone for that matter, does not know. I know it affects my mood toward this whole situation, and I've tried to stop over the years and find accountability partners and help, but it always creeps back in. I have a problem with it and it is a silent addiction.

Any advice on how to talk to my wife about that specifically?

My overall question though is how to feel as a husband and dad with a relationship that feels just kind of feels boring when I feel like I have so much energy to give that is not received. The thought of going back to the dating world is sickening, but I also get the feeling that we are not entirely compatible with each other and that we may be happier with other people.

I'm just depressed and need some guidance. Thank you all for reading.

Post Information
Title Don't know how long me (29) and my wife (34) will last - 5 years married & autistic son, feeling stuck, bored, and like we're not really friends anymore.
Author long_term_strategy
Upvotes 26
Comments 41
Date 15 July 2019 05:13 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret46 points47 points  (3 children) | Copy

My goal is to remain married and grow together

"Goal: the object of a person's ambition or effort; an aim or desired result." All you have is aim. You lack ambition, effort, and desire. In short, the fun is no longer easy in your life or your marriage, the motivation has run out, and now you don't know what to DO. What you need to DO is GET TO WORK.

"You rack disciprin'" (Cartman--SouthPark)

I've just felt like nothing is easy or chill or fun anymore.

You have no self-discipline. You are weak and ineffective. She doesn't follow you because you suck as a leader. She does not submit to you because you are not dominant. She doesn't trust you. She maintains her masculine energy because you lack masculine energy.

Deep, deep down, at the biological level, every woman craves to be lead, taken care of, to swim in the ocean of their emotion while their Captain steers his ship of masculinity through it, and when they tire, all they have to do is reach out at any time and grab the ladder off the fantail to rest.

Instead, feeling the weight of responsibility that you do not shoulder with your strength and masculinity, she is standing in the pilothouse, ever vigilant to keep the ship of your marriage from running aground while you are getting drunk/high in your sea cabin just off the bridge, pining for the good old days when you were still in port and playing Captain was FUN, without all this fucking WORK.

It's too late and I'm too tired to gape your faggot ass with all the bullshit you put in your post.

Every one of you hapless bastards that comes in here has the same, fucked up story. It starts with "My Wife...", add in about 50 "SHE'S", and ends with a cry for help.



That's right, Captain Jackass, the problem is YOU.

That's the good news.

THAT'S the GOOD news?

Yes, dumbass, that's the good news.

The reason is, if YOU are the PROBLEM, then FIXING YOU is the SOLUTION.

The BAD news is that the SOLUTION requires a fuck ton of WORK.

Women fit the container that is provided for them.

Right now the container you provide for your wife looks like a toilet, so she and your marriage look like a big, fat, turd you don't like the smell of.

It's past time for you to let go of your dick, stand the fuck up, man the fuck up, and grow the fuck up.

This is not a walk-in clinic where you can get band-aid solutions to a problem that requires surgery (lifting) and psychotherapy (sidebar).

This is a long term facility that you check into for at least a year, commit to a minimum of 500 hours of hard work, and realize that like AA, you will NEVER be done. Take that next (beta) drink again and you will have to start over, again.

I could go on and on and on, but this preamble is meant to get your attention and motivate you to get started. You're BIG on motivation, aren't you? That's the shit you FEEL when you WANT to do something. What you are missing is the self-discipline to carry it through.

I've not seen a post as needy as yours go ten hours without at least one response. If you want some REAL, HELPFUL, advice that isn't a patterned response to your fucking whining, then go back to the top of this sub to the stickied post and follow the directions. When you provide THAT information, you will get some REAL advice instead of being called the bitch and faggot that you are.

Start here:

Don't post again until you have a LEGITIMATE question about something you've read or actually done and failed.

Oh, about your dick. Let it go. Literally and figuratively. Calling it an addiction is just making an excuse to keep jacking off. Just.Stop.It.

Now, it's about 15 years past time for you to


[–]The_LitzRed Beret9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

Pure red poetry. You are a legend uncle!

[–]i-am-the-prize0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

:) I was yelling "yes, yes, Yes!" reading that post. Poetry is right.

Get to work, and fix yo' self, is the key.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

That's a red pill shoryuken right to the ballsack. My dick dropped a half an inch reading it.

One cock salute to you sir.

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (12 children) | Copy

I'm actually shocked relationship advice sent you here, but yes we can get you started! First take a look at the sidebar full of great books and a ton of theory, I highly recommend "The Mindful Attraction plan " its redpill light and is a great introduction that's palatable and most importantly actionable. Others will be along to give you more in depth advice but you can download that book for 5 bucks off kindle and get started tonight.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (11 children) | Copy

Probably a RP dude who saw his post. It's how I got here too.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

I found this place from the marriage, divorce, or deadbedrooms sub, I cant remember.

[–]redismyfuture1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yep, how I got here too. Some Rp guy sent me a private message to come here.

[–]signsoflife6201 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy

This is why I don’t believe in the first rule of fight club. Sometimes you gotta try to unplug people cause it can seriously help them and change their lives. Pick your battles wisely though. I’ve had trouble unplugging some of my friends but others still thank me to this day

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (7 children) | Copy

I don't think its wise with friends in real life. I am pretty sure I ruined a relationship. Now that he knows what I am doing and why, he resents the fuck out of me and wants to see me fail. I will talk about fight club on the internet to randos because IDGAF. Never again though, I learned my lesson the hard way.

[–]umizumiz7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy

My own brother wouldn't listen to a word I had to say after he googled a term I used or some shit.

Fast forward a year and he married an unemployed, overweight, pregnant girl and just left for basic training.

He's 21 years old.

Should've listened...

[–]Eminencemiddle3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Just left for basic training?? He'll be ready to listen in about 8 months, when she's pregnant with Jody's second child.

[–]umizumiz2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Not sure if anyone else will end up seeing this, but got me thinking... I'd be interested in some advice...

So let's say the inevitable happens, another early 20s man court-raped by the military and his spouse...

What, if anything, should I say/do/offer?

I feel as if I'd said my peace, and I won't do or say anything other than support him. I really feel as if, when it happens, he's not going to need any more input from me. But I also don't wanna leave my brother hanging, he's 10 years younger and I've always tried to look out for him.

I honestly think the best thing would be to just STFU, I already said what I wanted to say and he wouldn't listen. Literally laughed and patted me on my shoulder.

Oh, and he's essentially marrying a carbon copy of my ex-wife. So I have no idea why he's so confident hahaha

Spez: pretty sure I just answered my own question. Men learn through experiences, I'll give him any knowledge he needs once he asks. Other than that, I have a new niece to look forward to hahaha dumb fucker

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You can't force people out of the matrix, they have to want it for themselves. I came here begging for answers. Everything made sense and I greedily swallowed the pill immediately.

[–]coinbaserep2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

During a night out with my friend last Thursday (hit up a rooftop patio at 10pm downtown and ended up with us closing out the place at 3am)

We got talking about relationships and asked me how being married for 18 years was

He’s in a sexless marriage where he’s ready to get and they are doing counseling

Told him things are well sex when ever I want it. Enthusiasm most of the time from her.

I started dropping some red pill (dread, shit tests , leading, decision making, oys) it did not sit well with him and his blue pill conditioning was pouring out of him. The conversation didn’t last long because I could tell it was going to require more energy then I cared to give to change his mind.

So we just moved on to other topics

I have another really good friend. I find out he’s a super nice guy , Raised by his sister and mother. Male feminist out there changing the world saving women. Married a single mom with 2 kids from 2 different fathers. They now have a kid , Talks of divorce. But she won’t leave. She needs the resources

Best to just follow your own mission and those that that to get on the train will seek your help because they can’t help but see how awesome your life is

[–]Tbonesupreme2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I was mediating a friend and his wife arguing (while we were drinking) and they were openly talking about their marriage problems.

I told him that he needs to be someone worth following, and when he is, she will do so. His wife was giving me BIG positive nods and looking at me like "YES!" and this douche started blabbing about equality and how no one should lead. I said, "Dude, did you see her face when I said it? She doesn't want equality." He then turned to tell his wife how wrong she was.

[–]coinbaserep2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy


My wife is far from a feminist last thing she wants is equality

She’s actually against all this feminist movement. She jokes and says I don’t want more responsibility and independence as a women.

She’s happy to go back to 1950 and take care of the kids a family.

[–]Rifleshoot10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

I would suggest also posting this to r/RPChristian if you haven’t already.

As far as how to deal with this, you said that you are the laid back type, while she is more commanding? That’s a recipe for disaster. You’ve got to be the leader of your house.

I had a similar situation, but fortunately I was able to nip that issue in the bud early. My wife is a nurse from a semi-wealthy family background, so she is used to being treated like a princess while also barking orders at patients everyday. So of course, those behaviors started to manifest in her role as a wife and I had to put a stop to it. She occasionally shit tests me to see if I’ll pamper her or tries to tell me what to do, but I’m fairly stubborn and not exactly a selfless giver, so I was able to pass those with ease early in the relationship and into our marriage.

As far as being bored is concerned, that’s entirely on your shoulders. If you’re bored, find something exciting in the relationship. You’ve got to take the initiative to go on dates and do stuff together. Shake it up and find something new and interesting to do. Go on a vacation with her to somewhere you’ve never been. Do you have any personal hobbies to keep yourself occupied with? It could just be that you’re bored with your life and are just imposing that boredom on her. You should try something new. Buy a gun and go to the shooting range, take up fishing or hunting, learn an instrument, etc. Just something new that you can look forward to that keeps life fresh and interesting.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

You've spent the last 16 years whacking off in secret in your basement.

You have no goals, ambition or drive other than a vague notion of "remaining married" and "growing together".

With your vague goal of "remaining married" and "growing together", you have done nothing about it.

You are an abject failure in leading yourself.

You are an abject failure in leading your family.

I guarantee that you are physically in a pathetic state.

We know that mentally, you are in a pathetic state.

We know that emotionally, you are a fucking pussy.

Because of all of this - your lack of drive, your lack of ambition, your lack of goals, your lack of leadership, your pathethic physical state, your pathetic mental state, your pussified emotions - your wife has stepped up and put on the trousers and now she resents you for it. She resents you because she has to be the man in the relationship. She resents the fact that you sit back, do fuck all, act like a fucking child, then whine about it like a fucking fag.

And what do you do about it? You say "woe is me, I don't like my life, my relationship is boring and I'm depressed".

Well, fuck you. You have exactly the life you created for yourself. Congratulations. Pat yourself on the back.

That's your victim puke over, mate. Next time you come back here, come back with a plan of action and tell us how you are going to get yourself out of this hole.

Depressed? You're not depressed, you're just a moany fucking cunt who lacks personal responsibility, ambition and drive.

Oh, and you're a boring cunt to boot. That fucking puke nearly put me in a coma.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy

Yeah, I 100% understand how you feel. I'll be frank, it's because you don't know who you are or what you want. My story is extremely similar.

Are you happy with your sex life? Or do you want you wife to be a filthy whore and do fun shit like in porn? I wanted a dirty whore but she was too busy being a mom. I was also very beta and would fall apart emotionally if I didn't get what I wanted. I had zero frame and she would get emotional and I would get pulled in and start arguing, it never worked and made everything worse. I decided to just ignore her for the most part.

Then I decided to just start smoking weed, drinking with my friends and not being home anymore. Babies suck and she was too preoccupied. It didn't help, she wanted to fuck me much less because I wasnt owning my shit or being a good dad or leader etc.

Fast forward to kid 3. I got my shit together, sorta. Then 12 years of marriage and I was ready to burn it all to the ground. I tried everything. I went to the relationship advice sub and some kind person told me I was a faggot and should come here. I'm so fucking grateful. I read everything until my eyes bled. It's been 6 months and I like my wife again. She is still a crazy bitch but I love her and want to figure shit out because I finally know who I am and what I want. I am strong enough to deal with her rediculous emotions because they have no effect on me. We have crazy sex now on a consistent basis. We have a lot of fun together and I enjoy her company very much. I just have to watch my P's and Q's and not revert to being a lonely faggot with no life who plays video games and jerked off to porn in my basement smoking weed like I was 15. Chicks don't find that attractive. Be attractive and not unattractive, it changes everything. Go read everything. Good luck.

[–]RoccoPinkman3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

some kind person told me I was a faggot and should come here. I'm so fucking grateful.


Be attractive and not unattractive, it changes everything.

And this,it really does change everything,it’s amazing how much her attitude changes by you being attractive.

[–]i-am-the-prize0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

And this,it really does change everything,it’s amazing how much her attitude changes by you being attractive

yup, just like lifting and T levels are a positive feedback loop, being attractive and the Abundance Mentality [and Dread] are another positive feedback loop. You don't need to be a model. She already picked you (for some reason(s)). Being the best version of you is enough. Even if it's not, it will be for someone else who is better for you at that point in your life.

[–]RoccoPinkman1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I agree completely. Women will let an attractive high value man treat them completely differently. There’s no way I’d be having sex as rough as we do now without the Changes in attitude and body composition. Now she fucking loves it.

[–]light-----------dark7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy

you’ll get a lot of great advice here - many of these guys know there shit.

all of the standard advice applies:

  • Read sidebar
  • Lift weights
  • Build frame
  • Be the leader of your life and family

The most important (imho), is quit the porn. Yesterday. The feelings you are feeling towards your partner is a result of your porn use - period.

You’re inherently feeling emasculated because she dominates with her personality, so you turn to porn because it’s easier to connect with a screen than to do the work required to influence your wife’s submission to you. The ease of seeing a variety of women instantaneously makes you feel resentful that your wife is the way she is. You disconnect further from wife, back to porn. Resent. Repeat. She feels this disconnect deeply, and is in turn resenting you.

I encourage you to do the following:

Whenever you feel an urge to go jack off to pixels, make a conscious decision to instead pour that energy into your wife. Massage her feet. Kiss her between her legs. Kiss her neck. Smell her pussy. Bend her over and eat her ass. Whatever - get creative.

This will allow you to redirect that pent up energy in a way that allows you to pour your love into your partner.

Next: read The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. This book really gives deep insight into the importance of polarity between the masculine and feminine - the feminine desires to be fulfilled by the masculine on every level. You are lacking this right now because of your porn use. She’s becoming repulsed by you, and showing up like a bitch, which you hate, so you go turn to porn because there are so many better options out there than your wife. Although in reality, these girls just fuck themselves on camera to prey on guys who don’t have the strength to get their shit together. They don’t give one fuck about you, and you’ll be left by your wife (who will take half of everything you have) with your dick in your hand wondering how you ended up where you are.

And if you can’t muster up the strength to stop being a pussy and pouring your love into your wife, then pour that energy into your son. . You have a gifted child that sees the world in a way that other people can’t comprehend. That gift needs to be fostered and lead with strong masculine energy and purpose, so that he can change this fucked up world.

[–]HerukaArisen4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

I wholeheartedly agree with most of what you write. However, I'm not entirely sure quitting porn needs to be top priority. It is a fucking waste of time and detrimental for his sex life. However, it also sounds like porn has been his main hobby for nearly 20 years and he also has a religious background = a lot of guilt issues.

"Quit the porn" may be easier said than done. When you start lifting, reading the right books, working toward meaningful goals and also having the right kind of sex, porn will start losing its appeal and compulsions like porn will slowly taper off. At least, this was my experience.

[–]light-----------dark0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

great point - I agree.

[–]vplatt0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Quitting addicted behavior to porn, booze, video games, or anything else requires one simple thing: replacement. You take the trigger for those things you want to replace, and just do something else instead. I've done it a couple times for different categories in my own life and it works wonders. You just have to be super mindful of that trigger moment for each, and do something better.

Example: - Evening routine used to start after work with getting my big meal of the day, watch TV or do games, then go to bed.

  • Now instead of that, I work out before my big meal of the day, then I let myself do that.

Eventually, I may break those things down further and tease out more triggers in order to create an even better routine. One change at a time...

[–]RP_PO5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

Sounds like your wife is frustrated with her role of being the leader of the family. She wasn’t designed for that. You can stay “easy going” and still take extreme ownership and leadership of the family. In fact, it’s a requirement. Deep down, she wants to be a little girl again, but she cant since she’s saddled with the burden of leadership. Own your shit, lift, and sidebar. It’s all on you, never forget that.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

Women hate being in charge. It literally ruins the relationship.

[–]RP_PO8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Definitely. It’s counterintuitive, because women’s narcissism and ego wants the “glory” of leading, but they fucking hate it. The deeper into MRP I go, the more I see women’s primal nature fighting their ego at every turn. It’s fascinating and maddening at the sane time. AWALT

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Huh. You got a lot more advice then I thought you would.

My goal is to remain married

Then this isn't the place for you either. We don't save marriages here. Red Pill saves the man. Not the relationship.

Any advice on how to talk to my wife about that specifically?

You don't. Women don't care about men's feelings.

That's about all the advice I have because your goal is wrong. Change that and then I might pay more attention.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Research “drunk captain “ and that applies to you. Figure out the kind of man you want to be and then begin that journey. Nothing else will change until you are who you want to be.

[–]hack3geRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

And faggot of the year goes to....

When the fuck was the last time you picked up something heavier than a Twinkie?

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

When they had a "two for one" offer on Twinkies.

[–]RPeed0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Any advice on how to talk to my wife about that specifically?

Don't. Just stop doing it. Every retard that thinks you can be addicted to porn, coffee or watching GoT and needs some super-special intervention to get by: needs to visit a halfway house for crackheads.

Stop being a faggot. Steps:

  1. Stop thinking (self-talking) like a faggot;
  2. Stop speaking (or typing) like a faggot;
  3. Stop acting like one.

For once I am deadly serious.

My overall question though is how to feel as a husband and dad with a relationship that feels just kind of feels boring when I feel like I have so much energy to give that is not received. The thought of going back to the dating world is sickening, but I also get the feeling that we are not entirely compatible with each other and that we may be happier with other people.

I think what you're feeling is the downward slide into betadom. What happens is most people eventually submit and take up the porn/weed/alcohol or whatever full time. But you're fighting it, looking for solutions and actively considering the ejector seat. I think that is quite refreshing and similar to my own start point.

What your issue is is this:

The thought of going back to the dating world is sickening,

You're never going to have the Outcome Independence to lead your wife to something acceptable - through clear expectations and boundaries - without overcoming this. But the solution is just STFU, lift and sidebar like everyone else.

If your wife has balls and is responsible, you're probably better placed than some. She may well shape up. I think the cases where both are lazy fucks are probably a little harder to turn around.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


Start lifting and exercising everyday.

Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you were truly happy to begin with, before you met your wife.

Most likely, not.

And, you being a virgin until you were married also inspires “what If” questions.

Read into the sidebar of the suggested books and look to join activities outside of the home whether poker night, CrossFit, what ever just get out of there.

And, get your son enrolled in a program Whether you have to move or not

KETO diet for him ? No processed foods for him ?

[–]lololasaurus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'll respond more later, but I had/have a very similar situation, including the autism aspect with a child (and a bunch of other stuff too).

Are you lifting?

Have you read the sidebar material?

This is on you to make it better and wherever you end up if you leave this you're going to have the same laziness and neediness problem. I too am the one who has staunch faith and cares about the rules (well, God's rules, anyway) and I've had to learn to keep my principles in a way that simply isn't autistic looking - not to keep my wife - but because I am taking that with me wherever I go.

But yeah. You sound boring. Do you suppose if you lived an interesting life this would be boring? Are you wasting your masculine energy watching porn and masturbating or are you spending it being an awesome Captain of your ship? Are you doing things with your family? What about your male friends? Do you have any? Do you get permission from the first officer to go see them at all? Or do you lead via actions? Have you read WISNIFG? If not you have no business posting whiney stuff like this. Have you read NMMNG? Same deal with that. If you have read both of those why are you still arguing and DEERing? What dread level are you at? Gonna guess 0.

You have a lot of work to do. The good news is if you do it, things will begin to shift. It may not shift how you think it will. But it will change, you will become higher value, and a high value Captain will help the people he is responsible for become higher value too through his leadership.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I grew up as a Christian, abiding by most of the rules, and was a virgin up until meeting her

The thought of going back to the dating world is sickening

These two points are quite closely related. Right now you're terrified at the prospect of having to game another woman and wouldn't know how to close even if you worked up the nerve to try. That puts you in a position of weakness and neediness toward your wife. It's unattractive and ultimately serves to undermine your value as a man.

No matter how you feel about it, you need to learn game and to start talking to other women. To be clear, I'm not encouraging you to cheat on your wife. I'm talking about starting conversations, learning how to flirt effectively, etc. Take it as far as you're comfortable doing. The point is that you're never going to make any progress until you can build an abundant mindset and know without a single doubt in your mind that you could easily find a woman (or women) replace your wife if you divorce.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

This faggot isn’t ready to be red pilled.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is a massive anger phase waiting to happen.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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