r/relationship_advice told me to post this here.
My goal is to remain married and grow together, but I feel like I've hit an emotional roadblock and am feeling trapped/depressed/not friends with my wife.
We met 6 years ago, got married after dating for a year and a half. I grew up in the church and invited her in and we found an amazing community to build our faith together. We moved closer to her family to help take care of our son who is on the autism spectrum, and since then I've just felt like nothing is easy or chill or fun anymore. We also don't have a ton of friends or community where we live now, only some immediate family members. She grew up partying and I grew up as a Christian, abiding by most of the rules, and was a virgin up until meeting her.
We take a good amount of trips, we have fun together occasionally, but typically our life involves me working from home, my wife works part-time, but we have polar opposite jobs, and my wife worries about our son and it suffocates most of our conversations. We love each other, we have a healthy sex life, and we have fun as a family unit, but I constantly find myself not really get along with my wife anymore.
We've taken 2 dates this year. We don't have a lot of the same interests. My wife is incredibly responsible, but almost to the point of annoyance where it's very hard for her to let her guard down and have any level of peace. She's difficult to travel with, very opinionated, has a hard time going with the flow. She has a very commanding personality, and I have a completely relaxed personality. We butt heads a lot when dealing with the "how" in day to day life. We usually get similar results, but the arguments come out of how we are doing the task. Simultaneously, I try to spice things up all the time and work with our differences, but we always seem to net out in the same arguments - circles.
I know all of this seems generic, and nothing is specifically wrong, but this relationship is very hard to enjoy at the moment. I'm affected by other relationships or women who seem like they are so easy or easy to talk to, but I look back at mine and it just seems so bland.
In the midst of all of this, I've been watching pornography since I about 2003 and watch it still on and off, but my wife or anyone for that matter, does not know. I know it affects my mood toward this whole situation, and I've tried to stop over the years and find accountability partners and help, but it always creeps back in. I have a problem with it and it is a silent addiction.
Any advice on how to talk to my wife about that specifically?
My overall question though is how to feel as a husband and dad with a relationship that feels just kind of feels boring when I feel like I have so much energy to give that is not received. The thought of going back to the dating world is sickening, but I also get the feeling that we are not entirely compatible with each other and that we may be happier with other people.
I'm just depressed and need some guidance. Thank you all for reading.