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Why do women go ape when you tell them to "just calm down" or "relax"?

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Thrist4knowledge
July 30, 2019
58 upvotes
askTRP
/r/asktrp/comments/cjq9wj/why_do_women_go_ape_when_you_tell_them_to_just/


Post Information
Title Why do women go ape when you tell them to "just calm down" or "relax"?
Author Thrist4knowledge
Upvotes 58
Comments 37
Date 30 July 2019 11:14 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/250226
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/cjq9wj/why_do_women_go_ape_when_you_tell_them_to_just/
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Comments

[–]FinancialThanks1170 points171 points  (10 children) | Copy

not just women

[–]ChefCremeFraiche 1 points [recovered]  (4 children) | Copy

Exactly. People do this because they feel like someone is trying to control them and discounting what they feel.

[–][deleted] 26 points27 points  (1 child) | Copy

It's patronizing, that's why.

[–]1Terminal-Psychosis3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

No, sometimes a fool really needs to just chill out.

[–]BrodinsOats4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

De-escalated a road rage situation once (with a dude) saying “let’s relax, I’m not trying to fight you. That would have been bad for both of us. Let’s take a second and chill.” (referring to a near collision from mutually aggressive driving).

It could’ve gone way differently if I just said “YO CALM DOWN”. Lmao

[–]1Terminal-Psychosis-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

People do this because they feel like controlling someone, not the other way around.

It is a manipulation attempt. Aka shit test.

[–]bleudogs34 points35 points  (1 child) | Copy

Don’t tell them to calm down or relax.

They’re already turned up. Giving them that bit of attention just makes worst.

Next time, ignore her or them. Anyone men too. The light will switch on and they won’t go crazy.

[–]1Terminal-Psychosis0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Positive reinforcement is good... "let's just be calm" vs "calm down".

But in some cases, someone acting childish needs to be treated as such.

If people know you can't set healthy boundaries, they WILL walk all over you.

Plate or Mate, it's no good tolerating inappropriate behavior.

You train everyone around you to treat you as YOU see fit.

Maybe going ape shit on you, if you'll allow it, or calming the fuck down,

when you put your foot down. They have to know consequences follow if they continue.

If you've trained them otherwise, you're in for a challenge.

Often easier to just find others that you can start over with.

[–]AldoTheeApache12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy

...it’s wild boars too. the trick is to just maintain eye contact while backing away slowly.

[–]umizumiz4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good Lord, that is an apt description.

[–]pebblefromwell45 points46 points  (0 children) | Copy

Because they want their feelings validated not dismissed

[–]Irtotallynotrobot55 points56 points  (1 child) | Copy

It would be the equivalent of telling a guy that he doesn't make any sense. Logic justifies action for men, feelings justify action for women. You're criticizing the fundamental driver behind their activity.

Men still act on emotion but we know that's not the right thing to do, so telling a guy to calm down doesn't question his entire being. Obviously, there are exceptions.

[–]umizumiz0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Damn, great analogy.

[–]DatingTank22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy

Because you're not acknowledging the emotions of the angry person. You can't just turn off an emotion. It like telling someone who is sad, ", Just don't be sad but be awesome instead"

It doesn't work that way.

[–]whomda23 points24 points  (2 children) | Copy

An LTR once, in a moment of clarity, told me that, instead of saying "relax", try saying "what can I do to help?"

This turned out to be great, because everytime I would say "what can I do to help?" I was joking and really meant "chill out" and she knew it but somehow her mind accepted it better.

[–]send_it_for_the_boys6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

This should work great for a half decent girl. I’ve had a few that lost their shit over this but they had multiple other problems.

[–]silent_dominant2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Remember this in your work environment.

"What can I do to help?" Is one of the most powerful sentences in your arsenal

[–]omega_dawg935 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

"i understand you're emotional about this... so I'll chill until you're ready to discuss it more."

then walk away.

[–]GraveApparition3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

A

[–]yes_kid7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Not just women, bro.

[–]nexther2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

People don’t like being told to do stuff.

[–]Greaterbird2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

"I AM CALM!" - Mom

[–]maljo2416 points17 points  (3 children) | Copy

It’s dismissive. Instead say, “tell me what’s going on for you?” And be a good listener.

[–]Ohboohoolittlegirl20 points21 points  (2 children) | Copy

Lol. Sure. I just retract attention till she behaves

[–]SerialATA_Killer1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Good advice for short term women, bad advice for long term women.

[–]Ohboohoolittlegirl0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Disagreed. One needa to assess the situation before. I only give attention to issues when there is a real issue. Not when she's just in a bad mood. You need to find the right spot on when you need to get serious... That's why for an LTR you need to balance out BP and RP behavior and know when she is serious and when she is just fighting cause feels. It's actually not that hard to figure out. When what she says and is pissed off about is realistic and has a real base, you need to pay attention to it. (English is not my native language and I miss the finesse here) when she is just angry without a real cause which is caused by you, you retract attention.

You need to get a feel for the woman to know when she does what. And even in the situation she has reason to be angry, letting it cool down and getting back to it is better way of dealing with it than in the spir of the moment.

If you need to sit down and ask her what is wrong, you need to learn to read her better imo

[–]ledbymorpheus3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Probably because it's patronising you autist

[–]AlanTheGr81 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I can't believe people are answering the way they are.

When a man tells them to calm down, then calming down, would indicate that they were in fact out of control, which they don't want to do.

As a man, if a Man tells me to calm down, I usually try to.

If a woman tells me to calm down, I'm not sure what I would do because I'm pretty calm to begin with and it rarely if ever happens.

[–]silent_dominant1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

When you tell someone to calm down you're giving them the impression that the reason they are agitated is false, which puts them in defence mode, thus getting even more aggressive.

Let them rage, listen, don't respond until they calmed down on their own,then fire back

[–]Bruchibre1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

When has any human being ever calmed down when someone said "just calm down" to them? you retard

[–]Brushyourteethm80 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Scousers too 👌

[–]beefthathasredmiddle0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Because it’s patronizing, but idgaf. If someone is acting like an ape, I’ll tell them to calm down so we can have a discussion, if they aren’t willing, then I’m walking away.

It rarely ever turns sour, they get the message and if they want their feelings heard, they need to be respectful.

[–]1Terminal-Psychosis0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If they know there are consequences if they don't,

(say, not seeing you for a bit, or worse)

then they don't go ape. They know you mean business.

Of course, that won't stop them from testing now n then.

[–]cracksniffer6660 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Because the hamster wheel can't compute that request.

[–]Startlivingfornow0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Complete lack of empathy. You are pretty much saying, ‘I don’t give a shit’ to someone who is trying to get your attention

[–]binrobinro0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

'Cause they don't want you to "fix it", they want you to listen.

Please watch this, then you'll understand. (< 2 minutes)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

[–]YouNeverKnowAnyone-2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy

Because they stupid nigga



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