How to bounce back after traumatic event in life?

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August 24, 2019

My mother passed away about two months ago and it has left me by myself during my senior year of college. I am an only child and have no parents around. Does anyone have any advice other than hitting the gym which I have been doing since then. any type of advice on just how to bounce back and how to better myself in anyway and to increase overall confidence from this and SMV. Thank you

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Title How to bounce back after traumatic event in life?
Author The-Hoss62
Upvotes 126
Comments 50
Date 24 August 2019 05:48 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askTRP
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[–]zboo1h135 points136 points  (5 children) | Copy

Time. That's all there is to it. I don't want the back pats that accompany confessing to having suffered tremendous trauma, but that's all there is to it. Time. Meanwhile, have a mission.

[–]SendMeIce 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy

How I've best come to understand grief is like standing in the waves at the beach. At the start the waves are massive, they keep coming and you can barely breath, it just takes over everything. But with time, they get smaller and smaller, the grief never fully leaves, but it becomes manageable, the emotions are easier to cope. But that loss, the person you love will always have an impact, be it the anniversary or even just a picture.

The most important thing is not to bottle things up and speak to others.

[–]SoulRedemption6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

There may be alot of people who might think it is "unmanly" to speak about your emotions and loss. But It is fine, as long as you do it with the right people and not let it become a crutch. Like the above comment says, do not bottle it up, learn to accept the loss and go through that whole process.

[–]TRPaccount1011 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

[–]The-Hoss62[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you for the advice and insight I appreciate it

[–]CaptainKidd9655 points56 points  (1 child) | Copy

My condolences. Losing a parent is horrible and it will take some time to recover.

Don't suppress your emotions. It's normal to be sad and it's even normal to cry (although I would do this in private).

In times like these my advice is this. Keep yourself busy, hang out with your bros, pick up a new hobby, improve your cooking skills and cook something delicious.

[–]The-Hoss62[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you for the condolences I appreciate it

[–]Terdmuffin28 points29 points  (1 child) | Copy

Keep active. There's going to be times where you don't feel like doing things. Whether it's that stupid study assignment, lifting, going out with your friends, going out with a chick, chilling with your dudes or even just getting out of bed. Those are the times when you really need to make sure you put the effort in to so those things. When you're mentally and emotionally depleted it's all too easy to take the path of least resistance which is doing nothing. If you feel like you're rowing into the current the only way to go forward is to row HARDER, not quit rowing.

Also don't be afraid to reach out to your friends if you need anything, even just to talk. These are the times you can lean on your closest (male) friends for support. If you don't have a support system, or even if you do, you should really consider seeing a counselor (your college may even provide these types of services for free).

[–]QawL11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy

A man that lost his child was unable to function, all he could think about was the incident. One day his younger child asked him to build him a boat. He was like : "I cannot put up with this." on the inside but did it anyway.

After 3 hours of work he finally finished the boat.. and thoughts came again. He realised that he didn't think about his son's death 3 straight hours. Then he just started to fix the all the things that has been broken / needs to be replaced etc. at the house. Coped with the situation with the action, sometimes it's the best therapy.

[–]ggggggggee13 points14 points  (6 children) | Copy

Imma be honest man. I'd get a good male therapist. Perhaps take it a bit easy on the classes. I'm going through some shit rn, no where near as much as you, but if you leave the emotional trauma/wounds untouched, it will hold you back. Develope your feelings/soul. Best of luck.

[–]misls3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

I'd get a good male therapist

Sad thing is, it's extremely expensive to get a therapist and not break the bank. I don't even think that any insurance/MSP plans would cover something like that.

[–]ggggggggee5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

I feel it man. Luckily the pastor at my parish is a full on therapist. Certified and everything. Been fortunate to have him help me for free. Besides that,I would suggest getting a support group, close friends who you can talk about deep shit with. Best of luck to you brother.

[–]winjaturta1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I saw a therapist multiple times under my health insurance and paid virtually nothing, make sure you check with them before you rule anything out. I called them and they emailed me a massive list of therapists under the policy.

[–]ggggggggee1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Also, meditate and journal.

[–]CasaDeFranco1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

A good solid Priest from a more traditional background made a world of difference to assist with grief. He's one of my closest confidants.

[–]baeslick22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy

I really hesitate to tell you that you don't need validation right now, you deserve to have peace and love. Community, people need connection, and right now it sounds like you're looking for that. I would ask if you had any friends or family who could help you through this time? Just to get you back on your feet?

I may be projecting here but it does sound like you are trying to reach out and find a support system, and there's nothing wrong with that. Take advantage of this time to focus on yourself and practice self-care. In the meantime see if there's any organizations you'd like to join for your last year in university. You might find some kickass people you can take with you as you leave college. All the best, man, you aren't alone in this, we got your back

[–]benmarvin7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

My mom passed away suddenly in my early 20s. Hit me kinda hard internally, but never let it be external. Went through the motions stonefaced, grieved in private.

PM me if you need someone to talk to.

[–]Nevesj98G6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Take care of yourself as your Mother would take care of you ,if She was still alive. Dont know how your relationship with her was, but Im assuming She was a good Mother. Remember her advice,scoldings and what She thaught you,you Will be alright Best wishes on this dark time <3

[–]agjrpsl5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Make your mother proud. She has passed but she will live within you forever. The others have given you some great advice so there isn't more I can add. Live your life and be happy. Cause that's what she would have wanted. Take time to heal and you have my condolences for your loss. Hugs from an internet stranger.

[–]BrodinsOats3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Go to therapy bro. It’s helpful.

[–]mustache_ride_2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

When you get physically injured, your body heals on its own over several weeks-months-years (depending on the severity of the injury). It's an amazing mechanism if you think about it (break a chair leg and tape it together, you can leave it for 1000 years but when you take the tape off the legs is still broken. Break your arm and put it in a cast and 3 months later its healed. The body is a magical machine, a self healing autonomous box).

Your mind works similarlly: a trauma can either leave you with C-PTSD or PTSD (if it's a sudden trauma or a chronic event that happens over a period of time, like child-abuse). Healing from that trauma requires taking care of your mind, the same way you take care of a broken leg (i.e take it easy, don't put it under duress, avoid emotionally-stressful situations).

Therapy: if you can't afford it, talk to your self. Talk to yourself like a friend would, a coach, or a sympathetic stranger. Yelling at yourself or being negative is the fastest way to cause emotional upheaval and doing it chronically can lead to a psychosis.

Finally, like others have said, allow yourself time to heal. For most people, healing from the loss of a first-circle relative-friend takes between 6 months to a year.

[–]awildash1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Lost my dad recently its awful... But time is the only thing that helps it seems pm me if you need to talk

[–]Sr_Afro1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm sorry for your loss, man.

I lost an eye a few months ago, and the whole hassle of hospital and managing life left me pretty stressed out, however it made me realize a few things. (Not trying to compare our situation, I know you would exchange an eye for your mom.)

Pain is pain. It is just a fundamental part of reality, you shouldn't be expecting to never feel pain. While this probably doesn't make the situation better, can make you think about how much of your pain is the actual pain or it's just you thinking about it.

"Oh why did this happen to me?" There is no why, things happen.

Second thing is, we are stronger than we normally think. You hitting the gym despite everything, that shows that you're a strong man. Keep up the good work. Going to the gym even though I was feeling just a completely sack of shit, made me think better.

As said, it takes time. Keep working, keep lifting, keep getting better, the SMV comes..

[–]andrewwaukeen1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I also lost my mom to cancer in my senior year of college. It's been about a year and I was doing pretty good up until the past few weeks and some things are starting to catch up to me. I was actually about to make a post similar to yours until I stumbled upon it.

I never talked to anyone about it and I think people recommending counseling are correct. If you bottle it up sometimes in the middle of work or doing any normal happy activity that bottle starts to leak and you start to get a sense of losing control of how you feel.

Watch a lot of Jordan Peterson videos/read his book 12 Rules for Life. One of his best points IMO that we tend to all agree upon but never follow through with is to take care of yourself like you would take care of someone else.

Find a hobby/career that you can continuously improve your skills on. Personal satisfaction of accomplishing goals can lift you up when you feel down and out of control.

Look into minimalism. There is mental clutter (write it down...get it out of your head), digital clutter (clean up your computer/phone, get rid of unnecessary shit, and keep it organized), and physical clutter (get rid of things that dont bring value to your life). This is HUGE and seriously affects your mental state. All that clutter causes underlying stress/anxiety.

*Set up your environment to promote good habits and prevent bad ones instead of trying too hard to force yourself or resist doing something) I.e. I put my playstation controller in the top of my closet on weekdays so it makes it a step harder to play games instead of accomplishing a productive goal like reading books. I then put my bookshelf right next to where I sit on the couch to make it one step easier to follow through.

Overall, doing these things helps keep me from feeling like a lazy, sad, pitiful piece of shit and actually gives me control over my life. I hope some of it helps you. PM me if you want to talk, man.

[–]talldude12340 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Time, but more importantly, allow yourself to go through feelings that naturally occur. Try not to hide from them, go through them. They’re little steps in the healing process. The more you sweep under, the worse it will be long run. Best of luck to you.

[–]_Ulan_0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Find someone, even a dog, to talk with. Being stood doesn't mean you don't talk about your emotions, it means you do it when appropriate. If you don't have a real outlet for talking about your own fears, anxiety, stresses and wonders, you need to find one

[–]praxeologue0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You need to talk about it with other guys that you trust

[–]thisisnotme__--0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Find a counselor or therapist and don't dismiss the value of anti-depressants out of hand. You may not need anti-depressants, but if you decide that you do, do not feel bad about taking them. You should also look for grief support groups. I'm sure your school has some kind of support group that can help you deal with this. Check to see what kind of mental health counselors your school has, as well. Their services are covered by your tuition, so you've effectively already paid for it.

Maintain strong connections with whomever you have in your life. A social support system (i.e. friends and family) are the real things that will get you through this. What you're going through is outside the purview of The Red Pill.

[–]AloofusMaximus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sorry to hear about that man!

"Time heals all wounds" and there's a lot of truth to that. My younger brother died (as an adult) so I definitely know how it is. One of the things that helped me the most was coming to the realization that I had to keep living my own life.

It's easy to fall into that hole, but you need to do your best to dig yourself out of it.

[–]TigerXtrm0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Time heals all wounds. I can tell you that from experience. You need to allow yourself the time and space to grieve and adapt as life goes on. It will suck, and that's okay. You'll learn to deal.

Specific to your case, since you're alone in college now; don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. There will be people willing and able to help you, but you'll have to ask for it. TRP doesn't apply here.

[–]lbrownlbandit0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Keep your head up and do your best to build a schedule and when ever anyone asks you about what has happened or how you're doing tell them the truth, especially if it's people close to you. Be upset with people not alone and eventually by speak to more people they'll slowly talk you into a more positive light about the tragities that happened. Everything will be okay, just remember that.

[–]misls0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sorry about your mother.

any type of advice on just how to bounce back and how to better myself in anyway and to increase overall confidence from this and SMV

Building your own tribe, a group of friends who you can rely on and treat like family. Also, I'd recommend Muay Thai/Jiu Jitsu as a conduit to channel frustration or anger. Religion has it's flaws, but places like churches have great support systems for people who need them. Simply being involved in a community where you have support can be great.

[–]RedPillAlphaBigCock0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

make sure you grieve properly - before bed every night go and cry and listen to music etc. - nothing will help but time

[–]AdmCP0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

See a therapist. You will get through it anyway but the more care you take now to clean your mind, the less boomerang you have to face in ten years. You will have to face your thoughts and believe me it's better to do it now and within the next year than lock it away and let it come back later in life. It's a hit everybody has to take at some point and you will learn a lot about yourself and life. Some face this earlier, others later.

[–]Benny7570 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good moms, good dads. Remember, the best part of them that they wanted bestowed to you is in you. You carry that with you. It was their design after all. Use and apply it well. Be good to yourself. Let yourself mourn. Heal. But, good parents want you to dig in, and self persevere.

[–]morgandavies8340 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Grief counsellor and the support of your close dude mates

[–]MeansToABenz0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Would highly recommend exercise. Helps me through just about anything.

[–]mindplaybyneo0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Like what most people say, Time... Its essential. Let your self grieve, let all the emotions out. You are allowed. Afterwards recognize you have to continue, and move past the pain to grow.

Be kind to yourself, and celebrate your moms passing. For the time they have and the life they have lived. I know most people will have a hard time on this concept, but its the best way to let those attachment go. Best way to acknowledge they have live a life in this earth, and that is a triumph. Celebrating the gift. Death symbolizes life.

Afterwards set a mission. I know the world is cruel, but a lot of people still needs you. We need you. There is a reason we are all here for our greater purpose. Your parents legacy lives on, on you. You are the only one to continue the life they have lived through your next family. Their Tradition, their features, their antics, and their qualities. Its only through you they can forever live on, only you who can pass those positive qualities.

Take all your time to heal, and be gentle with yourself. Afterwards put your big boy pants and show the world how strong you are.

Best of luck and Namaste. 🙏

[–]rockyp320 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It’s easy to just TRP this shit but I mean just accept it man you lose your mother she is gone and accept whatever emotions you feel then and express them

[–]Variatiion0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You just gotta keep going man. It fucking hurts losing family but the only way to get over it is to honour them everyday by busting your ass and being happy.

I know it's hard to hear but it gets easier, just don't let it ruin you.

[–]The-Hoss62[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you for your insight I appreciate it bro

[–]Throw837362820 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Don't fall into destructive habits. Like Drugs

[–]RedSkeller-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

It's up to you. You're an adult and it's entirely your responsibility for your own mental health. Personally, I'd smoke some weed, maybe reminisce with a glass of scotch, visit friends and family, take a vacation, go camping, and last resort - talk to a professional. Sometimes a rational objective third party just listening is a great way to clear the air. My condolences on your loss, I'm also an only child and it's devastating news I'm sure. Check out the stages of grief and take your time to get over it, and it will, pass.

[–]Endorsed ContributorHeathcliff---5 points-4 points  (6 children) | Copy


[–]strengthenics3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

I've seen psychadelics recommended quite a few times on similar posts. Can you elaborate on how that would help him? I'm genuinely interested.

[–]MYMOUTHISNUMmn0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Psychedelics have a weird way of showing you the big picture. It's weird. Like if you've ever tripped on molly. It just unlocks diffrent more efficient ways of looking at a problem logically, and thats just because diffrent parts of your brain that previously were not talking to eachother develop telephone wires, and start communicating with eachother. That's also the reason people report seeing sounds, or hearing colors, even talking to extraterrestrial,lesbian,elfs who try to teach you the meaning of love.

[–]Endorsed ContributorHeathcliff---1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Helps make sense of grief and loneliness in this scenario. Significantly increases brain plasticity.

[–]TigerXtrm4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

You're endorsed with this kind of shit advice? Wow.

[–]Endorsed ContributorHeathcliff---2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy

Be more jealous

[–]SolidLiquidGasPlasma-5 points-4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yup, 500 years from now no one will know who you are unless you commit history so

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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