To stay or not stay

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August 27, 2019

Hi all

I've recently started to learn about TRP and MRP and have found myself yet again on the verge of separating from my wife.


We've been married for 5 yrs and there have pretty much always been problems along the way. It would be rare to have smooth sailing for say a solid 2-3 months.

Whenever an argument would arise, my wife will quickly jump to bringing up divorce. This used to shit me to death that we can't even argue and not have that come up.

Now I'm almost at the point where I'm ok with separating. Well not really. I love my 2 kids and don't want them suffering a separation and I struggle with the idea of not living under the same roof as my kids.

I don't want my wife's family having even a slight influence on my kids. My wife comes from a polar opposite upbringing to what I've had. Career and education are a high priority in my family. Carefree easy living is my wife's priority. In comparison to her siblings, she has her head screwed on. How naive it was of me to think it would be ok to marry her and not have her family's influence. Anyway I digress.

I really have to point out that I'm not perfect either. I know I really suck at communicating. I know this and I'm working on it. I have no problem admitting my faults and taking steps to actively improve. My wife doesn't. We've been told by 2 psychologists that she has issues that need working on. She doesn't seem to agree with this. She hasn't explicitly said this, more her lack of action demonstrate this.

If we separate we will both struggle financially. She doesn't work at moment but is going to start looking for work. I've encouraged her to not work because her body just doesn't seem to be able to handle it (she works in childcare). So as I'm trying to build my business, the last thing I want to be dealing with is having to sort out and drop off and pick up my kids as well as take care of her when she isn't well from working a coupe of full day shifts. That just doesn't make sense to me.

I also need to point out that up till now I've willingly encouraged my wife to wear the pants in our relationship. I used to think that the less I had to think about, the easier life would be and the happier she will be. She's a control freak. I'm glad I'm realising my mistake at age 32 though how do I begin to take back control?!? I figure I start with TRP to help meet transition. Hence why I'm posting this here and not in r/relationshipadvice.

I used to be the husband that would choose to spend time with my wife watching Netflix and giving her foot, back, hand, anywhere other than genitals rubs at the expense of falling behind on my work because I used to fear her getting in a bad mood because I'm not spending enough time with her. Rookie move I know. I'm a slow learner.

The present:

My mother-in-law passed away in June this year and needles to say it's been very hard on my wife. I was very supportive and did my best to help her. In all honesty this help lasted about 4 weeks. I find it I just keep on giving, she will keep on taking and then my work pressures just accumulate on me.

Despite having bills to pay and still struggling wish cashflow I took my family on a long weekend getaway for my wife's birthday in July. Given what she and the kids have gone through, they deserved a little break. It was a trip to a nearby island so we had to board a ferry to get there. Que the sea sickness (wife). Then we're walking to our unit and my wife just seems (to me) ungrateful with the comments she's making.

At this point I'm thinking this is the last fucking time I do anything for her. Any trip I organise will be me and the kids only. Not that she'd let me do that. She has a very wild imagination when it comes to assessing the safety of the environment for our kids. I'm somewhat ok with that because of course I care about their well-being.

We find ourselves rarely spending time together because I have shit to do. I can't stand wasting time watching Netflix. On the rare occasion where we do spend a little time together I won't give her body rubs unless she asks and even then it's a short one. My needs don't get met so yours won't either. I tell her sex is to me what body rubs are to you and she tells me she just doesn't have any sex drive anymore. I've long stopped initiating sex because we both just get upset/frustrated. The days I almost want her to catch me jerking off just to see how she'd react.

Conversation with my wife is usually about general things. She doesn't care for anything technical regardless of the topic/subject. Unless it's regarding the kids. She has no drive to do anything really. She will look at studying options but usually the motive behind that is the eligibility four some government payment. Though before her mother passed she was looking to enroll into a Bachelor degree. Good luck with that was my thought process!

The positive:

She is an amazing mother. She gives/does things for my kids that I would never think of. They are the most kind hearted kids with incredible manners for their age. These are comments we get from others. My son (5yo) is so caring and just has so much love to give. He is genuine with his caring and love. I know this will bite him one day but I'll be there to support him.

She is very thoughtful and does nice things for our family. She doesn't do things to spite others (unlike me).

Writing this all out I can see I don't even need to be asking for help. But this where my problem lies. The way I see/interpret/assume things is usually wrong. This really, really bothers me because how the fuck am I supposed to trust my feelings/interpretations etc??

I'm currently staying with my parents and sharing custody of my kids. When it's my turn, I go back home and the wife stays with a friend. This is a temporary arrangement until we figure out our next steps.

I don't want to hurt my kids and I don't want to live a life of resentment either. I don't want my kids to grow up and look at me as some weak nobody which is how I look at my dad.

Please help me see the other perspectives. Im not asking for someone to decide for me (which I'll admit I've done this in the past), I am seeking input on the things I may be missing.

Thanks all

Post Information
Title To stay or not stay
Author realestillusion
Upvotes 6
Comments 18
Date 27 August 2019 12:28 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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[–]ReddJiveRed Beret14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy


Sometimes I forget what it was like to be that beta. Then someone like OP comes in.

[–]Iammrp28 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

how do I begin to take back control?!?

You don't. You first realize the only person you can control is yourself. And that's hard as fuck to do. That task should keep you busy for several years.

Despite having bills to pay and still struggling wish cashflow I took my family on a long weekend getaway for my wife's birthday in July. Given what she and the kids have gone through, they deserved a little break.

At this point I'm thinking this is the last fucking time I do anything for her.

You made a mistake. You spent money you didn't have. Now you're blaming her instead of owning your mistake.

Any trip I organise will be me and the kids only.

And you're dreaming up ways to punish her. Fucking retard.

together I won't give her body rubs unless she asks and even then it's a short one. My needs don't get met so yours won't either. I tell her sex is to me what body rubs are to you and she tells me she just doesn't have any sex drive anymore.

You're a butthurt faggot and your wife isn't turned on because you're fat. You can't negotiate desire. Read the fucking sidebar.

The days I almost want her to catch me jerking off just to see how she'd react.

Wtf. Not only are you in her frame, you're a fucking creeper in her frame.

Good luck with that was my thought process!

You hate your wife. Why are you with her?

Writing this all out I can see I don't even need to be asking for help.

You're right. You're beyond help faggot

The way I see/interpret/assume things is usually wrong.


how the fuck am I supposed to trust my feelings/interpretations etc

Read the fucking sidebar. Do the work.

RedPill won't tell you if you should leave or stay. It won't tell you how to fix your marriage. Or your wife. It tells you how to fix YOU. Read the sidebar. Lift. STFU. Get to fucking work faggot.

[–]umizumiz5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy


You need to get a life and focus on yourself, bro. She is not this important... You will have NOTHING when she leaves, if you don't start focusing on yourself.

A woman doesn't want to be your focus, how are you supposed to provide for her if you're constantly up her ass?

[–]MisfitPL94 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

She She She. Yep - you are still in her frame and trying to please her. Nothing about YOU - do you lift? how fat are you, are you complacent? Do you " GET IT "

From my own experience - as soon as they always threaten to leave/divorce its basically over - they have lost all respect for you. Can it be fixed - possibly if you follow MRP guidelines and RP books and put in the hard work.
The STAY plan is the same as the GO plan.

YOU do YOU - kids are adaptable and would rather grow up with 2 happy parents ( even if divorced ) than 2 arguing non loving parents.

I could go on as it happened to me ( was too late to save - I got the " I love you but am not in love with you ") and I am working on being better than ever - its up to you whether you want to save it or not.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Do you happen to know how to boil a frog ?

You start by reading all the sidebar books and lifting. Seriously.

The NMMNG Book and WISNIFG are good reads. Just read and STFU

Erase “jerking off” to get caught. You’re just adding more drama to your life and hers.

You really don’t get any of the dynamics going on except perhaps you were once willing fir her to “momma” you and now you are changing that. I’m sure many will tell you nobody, especially women, want that

Get out of your wife’s frame. Drill down your mission and push forward

[–]go-RED-go4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sidebar has all the answers.

I'll give you few basic advice though:

Stop giving body rubs and foot massages to a frigid wife.

Stop talking about how you need sex once you made that clear (You told her that,ok, now stop talking about it) 

She KNOWS you want sex. She just doesn't find you attractive. Look in the mirror. Would you fuck yourself?

Don't hope she finds you jerking off. She would see you're a sorry ass fucking loser... She probably wants you to jerk your sad little undesirable dick off and leave her the fuck alone.

You know what would work better?

She seeing other women hitting on you in front of her regularly ,or you seducing other women. 

She seeing that her man is desired by other women and that he can get other women if he choses to.

She seeing that you can ditch her frigid ass and that you don't need sex from her cause you can get it elsewhere.

Read the sidebar if you want to know more.

And get your sorry ass to work!

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Well this sounds familiar. Are you me from 10 months ago?

This was really long to read but there’s no advice that can be given except:

Start lifting immediately

Read the sidebar books - you need No More Mr. Nice Guy first. Read it. And then read it again and do the exercises. And then.... Probably read it again. Then When I say no I feel guilty. Then the others.

STFU - stop complaining to your wife. Stop whining. Stop asking for sex. Stop talking about sex. Stop taking about your relationship. Stop talking.

Post in the own your shit thread on the main sub. Do one for this week - it’s still early enough. Copy someone else’s format but try to focus on where you are and where you need to improve.

You can get better. But it’ll take a long time and a lot of work. The one thing you need to do is focus on improving yourself. Not for your wife or the marriage but for you. I know you’ll start the process to save the marriage - fine.

But start the work and you’ll be amazed 10 months from now how much better you are. And then you’ll also realize how far you still have to go...

[–]Ketonian_Empire0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Hey man thanks for posting this. OP sounds like me right now, I am a dumbass I need to apply the side bar more, i'll pick up the book asap. I don't see it listed on any side bar though.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I was going to just go through point-by-point, but there's not really any way I can do that right now because that would require writing a fucking novel. Here are a few points in no particular order:

  • Your kids will be better off if you leave her than if you stay with her.
  • You refuse to take responsibility for pretty much anything and instead are obsessed with getting your wife's approval.
  • This marriage is dead, and no amount of beating it with a dead stick is going to bring it back to life.

Read NMMNG, WISNIFG and MMSL while you prepare for your upcoming divorce. Best of luck.

[–]realestillusion[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Thanks everyone for the harsh wake up call. I definitely needed that!

I have been reading the links in the side bar and will get the NMMNG book asap.

I used to lift years ago and had actually developed some good muscle. But that was almost a decade ago. I got lazy after getting married and having kids. My wife would actually discourage me from bulking up. I see why now!

Thanks again all!

[–]Ketonian_Empire0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

How are things going? You are literally a copy of me. Age, kids, wife, everything tripping me out. I thought I was doing good with TMRP, but shit doubled down and threatens divorce shit all the time. Shocking how blue I still am.

[–]realestillusion[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Things are going ok for the moment. I've really been focusing on owning my shit after spending the last year in anger. I've done a lot of reflecting of my marriage and home life and after taking MRP/TRP on board I can honestly say that it is foolish of me to think I can put in 10% and expect my wife to stick around and be happy.

I'm just taking it day by day and making sure my current day is better than the last.

I do keep finding myself in situations with my wife and I'll think to myself 'did I handle that like TRP should?'

I'm honestly grateful for the wake up call the guys here have me!!

Good luck with you and yours dude.

[–]reddit-guy610 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

A woman wrote this, right? I smell troll.

[–]realestillusion[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

No just a noob

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The days I almost want her to catch me jerking off just to see how she'd react.

Then you can ask her to be your wank sock

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Wow, you fucked yourself good. You are in the absolute WORST position for a divorce that needs to happen; or shall I say the most expensive. You’ve rewarded shitty behavior with the crown prize of SAHM. The courts will want to make sure she maintains her elaborate lifestyle at the cost to you. You still have no cock or balls, so she has no reason to get a job. You also want her family to have no influence on your kids?! LOL. Good luck with that.

Best advice is to start being a man and not a little boy. Consult with a good divorce attorney and pay for two hours of his time to give you an idea on how to navigate. You need to get the nagging guppy working a real job. You need to get rid of debt AND build up a reserve of “Fuck You Money” that’s off the books - that takes time. This could be a 24mo process and expect it to be very expensive (mine was over $60K and 3yrs).

[–]peaceandlug0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

  1. When she brings up divorce, point to the door and advise her not to let the door hit her ass.

  2. When she wants to be rubbed, advise her that you don't have a "massage drive" anymore, because it went to the same place her sex drive went to.

Don't do these things, then cave in, and take it back five minutes later. You are an incredible pussy, and need to change that.

Start with reading all of the material linked in the sidebar.

ETA: BTW, learn to not fear divorce, because she will most definitely divorce you very soon. I suspect that she has another dong to fondle, so don't be too shocked when she announces it. Plan accordingly. Children will be alright.

[–]realestillusion[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I was as easy as I have been thus far for separation but then my boy didn't handle it very well. So I'm back at home and trying to keep it going a little longer. Pussy move I know. But I didn't do it for her. I did it for me and my kids. They don't deserve a broken family and I know for a fact my wife needs my help with the kids. She says she doesn't but who is there to take over when she's not feeling well and new help? Me! Who's there when the kids have been really hard work and have worn down my wife so much that she'll snap at the kids for asking a question? Me!

Divorce will come sooner or later. That is something I need to prepare myself and kids for. I'm just wanting to buy some time for the kids to grow a little older. Yes I know it will cost more if I wait. That's just something I need to live with.

Side note - wtf is up with not wanting to be in the same house as me one day, then a couple days later I get pulled up for not saying 'i love you too'?? Can someone please explain this??

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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