I've recently started to learn about TRP and MRP and have found myself yet again on the verge of separating from my wife.
We've been married for 5 yrs and there have pretty much always been problems along the way. It would be rare to have smooth sailing for say a solid 2-3 months.
Whenever an argument would arise, my wife will quickly jump to bringing up divorce. This used to shit me to death that we can't even argue and not have that come up.
Now I'm almost at the point where I'm ok with separating. Well not really. I love my 2 kids and don't want them suffering a separation and I struggle with the idea of not living under the same roof as my kids.
I don't want my wife's family having even a slight influence on my kids. My wife comes from a polar opposite upbringing to what I've had. Career and education are a high priority in my family. Carefree easy living is my wife's priority. In comparison to her siblings, she has her head screwed on. How naive it was of me to think it would be ok to marry her and not have her family's influence. Anyway I digress.
I really have to point out that I'm not perfect either. I know I really suck at communicating. I know this and I'm working on it. I have no problem admitting my faults and taking steps to actively improve. My wife doesn't. We've been told by 2 psychologists that she has issues that need working on. She doesn't seem to agree with this. She hasn't explicitly said this, more her lack of action demonstrate this.
If we separate we will both struggle financially. She doesn't work at moment but is going to start looking for work. I've encouraged her to not work because her body just doesn't seem to be able to handle it (she works in childcare). So as I'm trying to build my business, the last thing I want to be dealing with is having to sort out and drop off and pick up my kids as well as take care of her when she isn't well from working a coupe of full day shifts. That just doesn't make sense to me.
I also need to point out that up till now I've willingly encouraged my wife to wear the pants in our relationship. I used to think that the less I had to think about, the easier life would be and the happier she will be. She's a control freak. I'm glad I'm realising my mistake at age 32 though how do I begin to take back control?!? I figure I start with TRP to help meet transition. Hence why I'm posting this here and not in r/relationshipadvice.
I used to be the husband that would choose to spend time with my wife watching Netflix and giving her foot, back, hand, anywhere other than genitals rubs at the expense of falling behind on my work because I used to fear her getting in a bad mood because I'm not spending enough time with her. Rookie move I know. I'm a slow learner.
My mother-in-law passed away in June this year and needles to say it's been very hard on my wife. I was very supportive and did my best to help her. In all honesty this help lasted about 4 weeks. I find it I just keep on giving, she will keep on taking and then my work pressures just accumulate on me.
Despite having bills to pay and still struggling wish cashflow I took my family on a long weekend getaway for my wife's birthday in July. Given what she and the kids have gone through, they deserved a little break. It was a trip to a nearby island so we had to board a ferry to get there. Que the sea sickness (wife). Then we're walking to our unit and my wife just seems (to me) ungrateful with the comments she's making.
At this point I'm thinking this is the last fucking time I do anything for her. Any trip I organise will be me and the kids only. Not that she'd let me do that. She has a very wild imagination when it comes to assessing the safety of the environment for our kids. I'm somewhat ok with that because of course I care about their well-being.
We find ourselves rarely spending time together because I have shit to do. I can't stand wasting time watching Netflix. On the rare occasion where we do spend a little time together I won't give her body rubs unless she asks and even then it's a short one. My needs don't get met so yours won't either. I tell her sex is to me what body rubs are to you and she tells me she just doesn't have any sex drive anymore. I've long stopped initiating sex because we both just get upset/frustrated. The days I almost want her to catch me jerking off just to see how she'd react.
Conversation with my wife is usually about general things. She doesn't care for anything technical regardless of the topic/subject. Unless it's regarding the kids. She has no drive to do anything really. She will look at studying options but usually the motive behind that is the eligibility four some government payment. Though before her mother passed she was looking to enroll into a Bachelor degree. Good luck with that was my thought process!
She is an amazing mother. She gives/does things for my kids that I would never think of. They are the most kind hearted kids with incredible manners for their age. These are comments we get from others. My son (5yo) is so caring and just has so much love to give. He is genuine with his caring and love. I know this will bite him one day but I'll be there to support him.
She is very thoughtful and does nice things for our family. She doesn't do things to spite others (unlike me).
Writing this all out I can see I don't even need to be asking for help. But this where my problem lies. The way I see/interpret/assume things is usually wrong. This really, really bothers me because how the fuck am I supposed to trust my feelings/interpretations etc??
I'm currently staying with my parents and sharing custody of my kids. When it's my turn, I go back home and the wife stays with a friend. This is a temporary arrangement until we figure out our next steps.
I don't want to hurt my kids and I don't want to live a life of resentment either. I don't want my kids to grow up and look at me as some weak nobody which is how I look at my dad.
Please help me see the other perspectives. Im not asking for someone to decide for me (which I'll admit I've done this in the past), I am seeking input on the things I may be missing.