Disclaimer: I'm in a self-defeating mindset and feel like ranting while also wanting advice, so please bear with the negative energy of this post.
When I'm walking in the street with a lot of people, I'm chill and relaxed. When I see a cute girl and look her in the eyes on the street, mostly no issue. Sometimes, you're caught off guard. I do have a mind block when it comes to conversations, but I trust that I'll get better at it. The big issue I noticed is that I have anxiety when a girl isn't ugly, even if she's average looking. It's like it's programmed in me. When the girl is ugly, she tends to friend-zone herself anyways. I'm stuck though. How do you get over that voice hoarseness, stressful feeling in your chest, mind fog, adrenaline paralysis etc. when in front of a chick?
I'm starting to become more mindful of emotions that arise in me and literally it just clicked today when I went to buy some stuff late at night and the girl at the register was dead inside and she looked average at best, and I felt that rush of anxiety. In the moment I knew that I just needed to bring that positive energy and create the frame of conversation, but it's like there was this invisible pressure engulfing me. So then it's like "hey" and you say "hey" back and then you're just standing and waiting for them to finish packing your bag. And I'm not even ugly which trips me up even more because then I really have no excuse.
From this life-long social anxiety that I now realize developed from childhood and an over-protective mother and.... you guessed it, only sisters, a narcissistic mindset of needing approval from others developed (ex. I know I look good, but why is this girl not looking back, which then lowers my self-esteem). I recognize that that shit is toxic af, like really toxic, and I want to reprogram my mind so I can create my own frame to live through and stop giving a fuck. I've tried psychedelics and self-help books and honestly, shit hasn't changed much besides more self-awareness of the issue (which is a good thing, since I had no awareness of it, but still the issue remains). You can unravel the issues, but solving them is a whole other beast. I think it's to the point where even my standards dropped way below what I can get because of the fact that I lacked social skills. I fucking hate that shit and I want it to change. But I don't know how to truly not give a fuck without consciously reminding myself not to give a fuck (through forced mental visualization ex. act like a CEO or treat everyone like family). I read the TRP handbook. I've been working on myself. But that doesn't solve the core issue. The tactics are an information overload and it's all theoretical. I know the whole shtick about setting boundaries, being assertive, doing your own thing, knowing what you want, being authentic etc. Easier said than done. Conversations can't be edited. It's a free-flow in the moment. And in the moment, because I'm so conscious of the emotional vibe, it's like I'm getting carried into that frame of the other person because I don't have the real life intuition of keeping frame in real-time. I've been aiming to work on it bit by bit, but without any frame of reference or guiding light in the moment, it's like I'm standing in front of a hurricane when faced with most peoples' frames. I know it's an issue because I once met a chick at work who was a spitting image of myself socially and she seemed easy and lacking true confidence, even if she was really attractive physically. It's like she gave the control to others. But trying to take control is also wrong because then you're overcompensating so how do you learn to be "yourself" while maintaining frame in the moment, but also being relaxed and approachable. I've seen really old people with tons of social experience who are still shit at this, so just approaching I feel isn't going to magically solve this issue. It goes deeper, I just don't know what's that missing puzzle piece.
Back in High School I was doing my own thing in senior year and getting in shape and for some fucking reason (probably a higher SMV) that's when all the opportunities came, and I rejected them all because I lacked the self-awareness I have now. I even liked one of the chicks who asked me out and rejected her probably out of fear of having no idea what the fuck to do in a relationship. The two dates where I took the risk and went through with them (which by the way, were initiated by the chicks themselves who wanted to meet IRL), I was literally either being a total unaware creep (too pushy and "I already own you" mentality) or going bitch mode (lying on her arm, lowering voice, just some weird shit). One of the chicks we dated for a bit longer but she had her own issues, and it was a toxic party thing where no social interaction was really needed. I have no frame of reference of a successful relationship interaction. And just to add to this negative energy, my dad is needy af and lacks emotional awareness. Like it's taking me balls to say this because I hate to admit that I feel helpless at this point. And it's not even about the girls. I just want to fucking know that I can hold my own in a conversation or with anyone else. I want to conquer my fucking fear and become a social god. Like deadass.
It'd be one thing if I never dated before and I was going for it with my current awareness. But those past failures are weighing me down. I've never been allowed to truly be or express myself so now I'm like a deer in headlights. It's been 4 years since then and admittedly I closed off, stopped caring about how I presented myself, and expected opportunities to come to me (with everything). The one time I tried last year before my self-growth journey to speak to a chick I knew from a group assignment in class, I waved said hi and quickly walked out. Now what the fuck is that. It's like a combination of mind-blocks mid-conversation, narcissism, low social experience, a repairing self-esteem and a whole host of other issues that I hate to admit that I probably have. But I'll swallow my pride in order to make a change. Now I'm 21 and literally trying to carry myself past the bullshit but it's like how do you get past this? Keep approaching and saying fuck the embarrassment? Do I go in front of everyone and try and get a conversation going with a chick, get a mind-block half-way, come off as creepy and accept that failure then swallow it and do it again until it works? Is that a realistic method? Keep asking chicks out and then hoping that it'll end up in a date which in and of itself will be a beast of its own to tackle? I tend to wear headphones when outside so I've decided to swear them off and force myself to speak to both guys and girls whether I want to or not.