Turns that once I've approached a chick, the anxiety goes off the charts. The same applies when dating and trying anything out. Think of a roller coaster ride you're afraid of going on. How do you conquer this?

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August 29, 2019

Disclaimer: I'm in a self-defeating mindset and feel like ranting while also wanting advice, so please bear with the negative energy of this post.

When I'm walking in the street with a lot of people, I'm chill and relaxed. When I see a cute girl and look her in the eyes on the street, mostly no issue. Sometimes, you're caught off guard. I do have a mind block when it comes to conversations, but I trust that I'll get better at it. The big issue I noticed is that I have anxiety when a girl isn't ugly, even if she's average looking. It's like it's programmed in me. When the girl is ugly, she tends to friend-zone herself anyways. I'm stuck though. How do you get over that voice hoarseness, stressful feeling in your chest, mind fog, adrenaline paralysis etc. when in front of a chick?

I'm starting to become more mindful of emotions that arise in me and literally it just clicked today when I went to buy some stuff late at night and the girl at the register was dead inside and she looked average at best, and I felt that rush of anxiety. In the moment I knew that I just needed to bring that positive energy and create the frame of conversation, but it's like there was this invisible pressure engulfing me. So then it's like "hey" and you say "hey" back and then you're just standing and waiting for them to finish packing your bag. And I'm not even ugly which trips me up even more because then I really have no excuse.

From this life-long social anxiety that I now realize developed from childhood and an over-protective mother and.... you guessed it, only sisters, a narcissistic mindset of needing approval from others developed (ex. I know I look good, but why is this girl not looking back, which then lowers my self-esteem). I recognize that that shit is toxic af, like really toxic, and I want to reprogram my mind so I can create my own frame to live through and stop giving a fuck. I've tried psychedelics and self-help books and honestly, shit hasn't changed much besides more self-awareness of the issue (which is a good thing, since I had no awareness of it, but still the issue remains). You can unravel the issues, but solving them is a whole other beast. I think it's to the point where even my standards dropped way below what I can get because of the fact that I lacked social skills. I fucking hate that shit and I want it to change. But I don't know how to truly not give a fuck without consciously reminding myself not to give a fuck (through forced mental visualization ex. act like a CEO or treat everyone like family). I read the TRP handbook. I've been working on myself. But that doesn't solve the core issue. The tactics are an information overload and it's all theoretical. I know the whole shtick about setting boundaries, being assertive, doing your own thing, knowing what you want, being authentic etc. Easier said than done. Conversations can't be edited. It's a free-flow in the moment. And in the moment, because I'm so conscious of the emotional vibe, it's like I'm getting carried into that frame of the other person because I don't have the real life intuition of keeping frame in real-time. I've been aiming to work on it bit by bit, but without any frame of reference or guiding light in the moment, it's like I'm standing in front of a hurricane when faced with most peoples' frames. I know it's an issue because I once met a chick at work who was a spitting image of myself socially and she seemed easy and lacking true confidence, even if she was really attractive physically. It's like she gave the control to others. But trying to take control is also wrong because then you're overcompensating so how do you learn to be "yourself" while maintaining frame in the moment, but also being relaxed and approachable. I've seen really old people with tons of social experience who are still shit at this, so just approaching I feel isn't going to magically solve this issue. It goes deeper, I just don't know what's that missing puzzle piece.

Back in High School I was doing my own thing in senior year and getting in shape and for some fucking reason (probably a higher SMV) that's when all the opportunities came, and I rejected them all because I lacked the self-awareness I have now. I even liked one of the chicks who asked me out and rejected her probably out of fear of having no idea what the fuck to do in a relationship. The two dates where I took the risk and went through with them (which by the way, were initiated by the chicks themselves who wanted to meet IRL), I was literally either being a total unaware creep (too pushy and "I already own you" mentality) or going bitch mode (lying on her arm, lowering voice, just some weird shit). One of the chicks we dated for a bit longer but she had her own issues, and it was a toxic party thing where no social interaction was really needed. I have no frame of reference of a successful relationship interaction. And just to add to this negative energy, my dad is needy af and lacks emotional awareness. Like it's taking me balls to say this because I hate to admit that I feel helpless at this point. And it's not even about the girls. I just want to fucking know that I can hold my own in a conversation or with anyone else. I want to conquer my fucking fear and become a social god. Like deadass.

It'd be one thing if I never dated before and I was going for it with my current awareness. But those past failures are weighing me down. I've never been allowed to truly be or express myself so now I'm like a deer in headlights. It's been 4 years since then and admittedly I closed off, stopped caring about how I presented myself, and expected opportunities to come to me (with everything). The one time I tried last year before my self-growth journey to speak to a chick I knew from a group assignment in class, I waved said hi and quickly walked out. Now what the fuck is that. It's like a combination of mind-blocks mid-conversation, narcissism, low social experience, a repairing self-esteem and a whole host of other issues that I hate to admit that I probably have. But I'll swallow my pride in order to make a change. Now I'm 21 and literally trying to carry myself past the bullshit but it's like how do you get past this? Keep approaching and saying fuck the embarrassment? Do I go in front of everyone and try and get a conversation going with a chick, get a mind-block half-way, come off as creepy and accept that failure then swallow it and do it again until it works? Is that a realistic method? Keep asking chicks out and then hoping that it'll end up in a date which in and of itself will be a beast of its own to tackle? I tend to wear headphones when outside so I've decided to swear them off and force myself to speak to both guys and girls whether I want to or not.

Post Information
Title Turns that once I've approached a chick, the anxiety goes off the charts. The same applies when dating and trying anything out. Think of a roller coaster ride you're afraid of going on. How do you conquer this?
Author Weeeyerd
Upvotes 84
Comments 28
Date 29 August 2019 03:29 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/251293
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/cwveub/turns_that_once_ive_approached_a_chick_the/
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[–]Hemanhey62 points63 points  (2 children) | Copy

Hey man, the main thing you can do to conquer the anxiety is to keep approaching. Do not stop because of the anxiety. That is normal when you’re starting to do something you haven’t done before. It will pass.

Keep your head up and keep doing it. Do not pussy out. You’re not going to be Alpha Chad numero uno on day one.

Work on yourself. Lift, meditate, read, learn... all that jazz.

Women aren’t in short supply. You might get rejected a shit ton, yeah. But if you’re approaching a shit ton, it will give you the IDGAF mentality. Hit or miss, at least you made your shot. The worst that can happen is they say no.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

This one hits it on the head the anxiety goes away until you dont even have tbis thought the more experienxe you get

[–]coloredzebra6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ideally, as an anxious person myself, this applies to life in general. The first couple times you get your feet wet, you don't understand how to respond, and are essentially "Tossed off the deep end".

With more repetition comes familiarity, and eventually confidence in the ability to tackle situations, having gained the necessary tools from previous experiences/outcomes.

[–]Endorsed ContributorFereallyRed46 points47 points  (1 child) | Copy

All that shit you just wrote is just shit that exists purely in your own head.

"Embarrassed" about approaching? Why?

"Creepy"? In whose eyes and why should you care?

"Failure"? You win or you learn. Failure is a lesson, not a punishment.

Whiny bitch. Suck it up and go for what you want.

[–]Andgelyo13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy

Tough love, but this is how as men, we ultimately learn. OP, listen to this guy. Also, you need to go in with the mentality that you will be okay no matter what the outcome is. In the end, most people do not care, and will probably forget about it the next day.

[–]Anacondainahonda8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

There is no way to think yourself out of this.

There is only one remedy.

Do it.

Just do it.

You want something?

Do it.

Fucking do it and show that you are at least attempting to be a MAN.

You will fail. You will embarass yourself. But you're slowly learning a new language. One you never practiced speaking before.

And don't delude yourself into thinking that she will remember your awkward bumbling for more than a few moments after you blow yourself out of the water. Beautiful women get approached by men all the time. The memory your feeble attempt will be quickly erased by other more important thoughts, like what's on Netflix tonight and why Chad hasn't taken her to that fancy restaurant yet.

Get your ass in gear and go practice because it's the only way.

(I didn't read your wall of text, but based on the headline, I know that feel.)

[–]A1M8E77 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

I can totally relate to almost everything you have said here. You have communicated the mentality very effectively, including the self cockblocking in HS. I’ve also used psychedelics (heavily) and have found them valuable (greatly reduced suicidal thoughts). I’ve been lifting religiously since I was 12 years old and I’m 18 now

I always want to approach girls (especially at the gym) and it is ridiculously hard, but when I let go of previous failures and speak for my own amusement with outcome independence, it’s easier. Jordan Peterson helped me develop a philosophy for life based on responsibility and it’s much more fulfilling. Just because of outcome independence I have a date lined up with a 19yo skinny HB6 tomorrow, which I feel can do better, but I haven’t. So I’m letting go of my ego a little bit for the experience, and realizing how all of the boundaries from me going on dates were mental.

Last thing I want to say, stay away from porn. You won’t wish you watched more when you’re old. Every guy with anxiety and low self esteem still wants to get laid but the question is, how bad do you want it? Are you willing to do nofap? https://youtu.be/wSF82AwSDiU You have to want it more than your anxiety wants you to do nothing. That’s literally what it took for me to even try

[–]01741 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

How do you get goof at outcome Independence

[–]coloredzebra1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Engaging in situations where there is no "desired" out come, essentially, "what ever happens, happens".

This doesn't mean have no idea/plan in mind, but simply indifference to whether or not said outcome is the "desired" one.

[–]actually-guy 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy

You're thinking, talking, and writing waaaaay too much on this topic. You're living inside of your head, running simulations. Stay in the moment.

Some things in life need deep analysis, but approaching isn't one of them. In fact, overthinking ruins it.

[–]01741 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

How do you stay in the moment when your brain won't stop running simulations on every single possible outcome of every single possible situation that may happen?

This is something I've struggled with my entire life and I lose sleep over it. It causes major anxiety

[–]coloredzebra0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Learning how to properly control your breathing, and recognizing triggers, and catching yourself in the moment, of not being in the moment.

[–]juggernaut84 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

The reason is simple. It's because you think she's cooler than you. Think of yourself as much cooler than her and you won't have this problem. Then you can be playful as hell. Rethink and recreate who you think you are. It's not easy but it's def doable.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Stop the negative self talk for starters.

Imagine you got shot at by gangsters every single day. You'd probably think that every day would be stressful as fuck, but people actually adapt to that. In Jake Olafsen's book Wearing the Green Beret, he describes living on a compound where men would be drinking tea while bullets flew over them all day.

My point is, you can adapt to anything. If you're anxious as fuck on approach, it's because you have not done it enough to get adapted.

[–]robbiedigital0011 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It's not as simple as just sucking it up and going for it because you can end up reinforcing the same negative associations, Take an online course to deal with your anxiety, Stephen erdmans double your confidence or sam Schaeffer s course are both recommend

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Start doing more things that make you uncomfortable. Lift, of course; and push yourself past your limits every single time. Start the day with a cold shower. Meditate. When you start experiencing anxiety repeat "I don't give a fuck" over and over in your head. Same for negative thoughts. Do it long enough and it'll be true, worked for me at least. Might take about a month though, and if you're not in situations you need to say it it won't reinforce as quickly.

[–]Tousen710 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Feel the fear and do it anyways. Recognize that making the attempt is the goal not any specific outcome. Once you recognize and accept your fear and discomfort, then rationalize that EVERYONE feels like that and that it really is okay to be worried/nervous, you can then proceed.

Remember it’s in attempting that matters, not the result.

[–]Lysanthir0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Outcome independence.

[–]BurnoTaurus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Understand that anxiety is one part psychological and one part physiological. You begin to feel anxious and it begins to show in your body language. You become conscious of it. Its at this point that you start thinking something like "I must look like an idiot, there is no way this girl will like me"

What you must understand is that confidence is the ability to keep your head (psychological) in spite of the physiological symptoms. The girl will see you ate nervous, this cannot be hidden. What she will also see is that you are doing something many have a hard time with. In spite of your obvious insecurities you still pushed yourself to go talk to her.

[–]Yavuzest0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

3 second rule

[–]Startlivingfornow0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Desensitisation. Google it, read, apply

[–]SalporinRP0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's cliche but you just have to keep pushing through it. You get that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you're about to get on a roller coaster ride because you know if something goes wrong there's a decent chance you're dead.

What's the worst that could happen if a girl rejects you? A brief moment of shame?

When I was first starting out there were girls that would shoot me down before I could get half a sentence out. It hurt my ego a bit sure, but that's it. Even know I sometimes get shot down 10 seconds into the conversation but at this point I just don't care because I've gotten over my fear.

[–]ItzFizzy10 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Skipped like half of what you wrote, just fucking talk bro. That’s it, just talk to her. I always kinda struggled with social interactions outside of people i was comfortable with, but I got a counter/takeout/barista job and it really helped, a lot. Now I HAVE to spark conversations with everyone who walks in, and i’m getting tipped more often. Ignore your fear, and just talk. Don’t even worry what you talk about. If you say something dumb or weird, then that’s a good thing because you won’t make the mistake again. Can only go up from here man, good luck

[–]1XXXMersenne0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Watch The BluePrint Decoded - it'll fix these inner game issues you're having.

From there just keep going out and approaching.

You can also check this out and if it makes sense then watch the rest of their content.

[–]proplfax0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

How do you get over that voice hoarseness, stressful feeling in your chest, mind fog, adrenaline paralysis etc. when in front of a chick?

you just talk to her anyway. you guys want a solution to not having a mini panic attack on your first first approaches. that's not a real thing. you're just man enough to do it anyway.

[–]Yashugan000 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

you have to realise the source of your fear.

  1. you are not approaching a person, you are approaching the anima of that person. your idealised version or her and women in general. the animal is critical.

  2. her accepting or rejection of you is in fact, the Judgement of society ... are you judged worthy as by the standards of women and society. a rejection is a blow to you because you might not be where you thought you were on the social dominance hierarchy.

when you are secure in your worth, and value yourself by your own inner locus of control you become the calm, suave, confident man women are drawn to

[–]DatingTank0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–]Velebit0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Fuck yeah that is the best thing ever. The fucking adrenaline of breaking rules. I fucked a girl in the street and people saw us and it was the best shit. You just gotta redefine yourself in your own mind. You gotta spit on the concept of self as a good person and gotta embrace the dirty, unfair hussle. In that hussle, you, an average joe or even better, an outright loser can get attempt and get away with striking way above your weight class.

That makes it worth while. I don't feel bad if a 10/10 rejects me, I shrug and go 'makes sense' but sometimes there is a kinky ass bitch who is a dog like you and will go for it. Yeah the fucking adrenaline is like a cherry on top. It feels like gambling to be honest. I can spend a whole fucking day approaching random women playing that lottery. That lottery of gaming a taken girl. Just embrace the nasty motherfucker and not the goodboy your mommy raised. Goodboy knows his place and does not giggle after he shits in the pool.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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