I've allowed myself to become an orbiter, any advice on breaking free from this?

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September 4, 2019
80 upvotes

This woman joined my work about 6 months ago. I immediately hit it off with her, we got on very well, too well and she is very attractive. She seemed very very into me too. I could see how mutually attracted we were, and she'd flirt hard and try to get to know me etc.

But I didn't take any action due to the high risk situation of it. In fact getting close to her I felt was already too much.

Over the period of months that high attraction fire in her kind of wained as I didn't take any action. But she still wants to remain close and flirt and joke with me. She started seeing someone else and sometimes casually brings him up.

The thing is, I kind of feel obligated to continue to interact with her to save face. But somehow doing this really kills my confidence? I'm not sure if its childish, but to chat with her like one of her girlfriends when I find her attractive and she used to be super into me somehow feels kind of demeaning. These interactions kill my confidence somehow? I'm not exactly sure why.

Any tips to somehow regain some frame in these and not be the handbag.


Post Information
Title I've allowed myself to become an orbiter, any advice on breaking free from this?
Author puuuy3
Upvotes 80
Comments 42
Date 04 September 2019 09:18 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/251911
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/czifgi/ive_allowed_myself_to_become_an_orbiter_any/
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Comments

[–]WeRAllOnThisBlessedD102 points103 points  (8 children) | Copy

Of course it’s demeaning, because now you are indeed one of her “girlfriends”.

Ask yourself the real reason why you feel obligated to talk to her. I mean really dig deep. Getting attention from a hot female boosts your confidence, and it’s entirely possible (probable, even) that you’ve got a crush on her, but you’re just telling yourself that you keep talking to her to “save face”. Think about it - why do you really feel the need to save face? You don’t need her validation or approval for anything.

She’s your coworker, so you need to be careful here. Maybe cutting her out cold turkey isn’t the best strategy, so just start talking to her less and less over time. If you can, take a week off from work. Get out of the office and back into the real world. You’ll realize that she doesn’t matter much in the grand scheme of things.

You might be - consciously or subconsciously - trying to come up with little ways to “accidentally” run into her at the office. Stop that. Only go by her desk if you have no other choice. If she starts asking why you’re not talking as much as you used to, say you’ve been busier than normal. Eventually it’ll get to the point where you two barely talk at all, and by then you’ll have moved on.

[–]puuuy3 1 points [recovered]  (6 children) | Copy

Of course it’s demeaning, because now you are indeed one of her “girlfriends”.

Thanks for your post, I'm glad to get some understanding on this one. Its funny how when you let that happen it really can kill your confidence. Actually the thought of ridding myself of it makes me feel much better somehow.

I think the rest of your post is accurate. Not talking to her isn't an option really, we're in too close contact to do it.

The reason I kind of felt guilty was that I never tried to progress anything with her. She actually made a few attempts at escalation, which I didn't act on due to working together and a few other factors. So when I never attempted to escalate, ignored her attempts it seemed kind of shitty to be sulky about being frindzoned when she just wanted us to be close.

I'll just reduce contact. I actually think every bit of contact I do now makes me seem less attractive somehow. Because its just spinning wheels

[–]babybopp30 points31 points  (4 children) | Copy

Don’t shit where u eat

[–]SerialATA_Killer12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think it's important to shit where you eat once, so you know not to shit where you eat a second time.

[–]goathunter053 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

Genius reply

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It should really become a saying or something

[–]thesoloronin0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Always has been the golden rule. Too bad many of my colleagues are couples. I work in an auditing firm.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If you change the tone to with the tone should be, it could seem abrasive to her and you could make an enemy in your workplace. But that’s what I would do

[–]Endorsed Contributorvandaalen1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

it’s entirely possible (probable, even) that you’ve got a crush on her

it's also entirely possible that the pope is a catholic

[–]2INNASKILLZ2K1819 points20 points  (2 children) | Copy

Why do you feel obligated to interact to 'save face'?

You've got oneitis and emotional investment in a chick at work who gives you nothing.

Do the pleasantries, and when she starts using you as an emotional tampon just say 'sorry, it has nothing to do with me'. Go do something else.

[–]puuuy3 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

Why do you feel obligated to interact to 'save face'?

Thats a fair point. Because I feel somehow uncomfortable with only wanting to be more if there was some sexual element to it.

You are right with the emotional investment. Maybe not Oneitis though, I actually don't think she'd be very well suited for a relationship. I'm not sure if you can have Oneitis while thinking someone wouldn't be a good fit.

[–]soukyfi5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Not oneitis, pedestalisation...because you think she's beautiful enough to receive that.

[–]1XXXMersenne9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

Go out more, meet more girls 🤷‍♂️

Get in abundance with freedom & choice so you don't get caught in these quagmires in the first place.

x

[–]1DullIntroduction26 points27 points  (4 children) | Copy

Do not try to bang coworkers.

[–]Skypier4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Especially with a hammer that might get you in trouble

[–]E9er0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

it’s fine could go either way... i’ve learned not to date coworkers who aren’t single, like married women or bosses! both are fun but not smart longrun! i dated one who was both... easy street at first then the hell of gates after

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

tell us more

[–]E9er1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

well if she’s sane and single should be no issue. mind you i’ve only dated them short term not long term so i can’t tell your results of a LTR but when short we usually have our have once it fizzles out we just recap it was fun huh yeah. then we stop fucking then just casual friends then just stop talking and move on. rinse and repeat. have done this about 8 times at work so maybe my reputation has gotten out so they already know what to expect coming into this. when i have gotten on with a married girl. its more casual as no feelings just sex and fuck off and maybe an emotion or 2 but when she’s mad about her life or marriage you might catch her shit and well it gets dumb so fuck that. when i hooked up with my boss it was purely for status and moving up.. she gave me way to much leniency. if she gave me stupid assignments told her i wouldn’t give her the D and stupid shit like that and was able to control her like that. then when it got boring we ended and she treated like a subordinate giving me shitty work and had no guilt watching me work my ass off... with the married boss... it was casual till her husband started finding hints and she quickly had me transferred to another shop i didn’t like so i said fuck this no more... so yeah just now sane single girls with no baggage

[–]RevolutionaryPea78 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're trying to signal to her that you didn't just want to bang her. But that's a lie. You did and you do. But you shouldn't, so just ignore her and stop trying to signal a lie.

[–]TheBleachedTshirt6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

1) Don't shit where you eat.

2) Good that you didn't, but now you've become her gay best friend.

You just need to realize that that's not what you want to be. Why are you even hanging out with this chick? Does she make a good friend? Female friends don't bring nearly as much to the table as male friends, unless you love hearing someone talk about how many dicks they sucked over the weekend.

Summary: Realize that you're her gay best friend, and go out and make some new, quality friends.

[–]SerialATA_Killer2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're keeping contact with her for the small shred of a chance that she'll come around and you'll get to hook up with her. If you want to get with her, you have to play the part of wanting to get with her, not the part of her girlfriend.

[–]mrbadassmotherfucker4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Plenty more pussy in the sea. You're now far too busy fighting through the jungle of pussy to be giving this one any of your time.

Think like you're above her and you shall be. Don't have time for her on anything other than work matters.

If she's into you at all, she'll come chasing, but act disinterested. Maybe if she begs for your cock, you'll allow her a taste, but otherwise shut this shit down now, go out and start gaming some other women. Break free from your chains of insecurity and follow your nut sack. Don't be a pussy.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Depends on what kind of power she has in the workplace. If she has a moderate degree of influence over the people that OP has to work with, then he hast to keep playing this goddamn charade. Draining.

[–]PayneGreyWolf1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Don't get attached to coworkers smh

[–]DatingTank1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yes. Stop doing it. As in full stop

All that talk about frame and crap. THAT IS THE ORBIT!

Stop.

[–]E9er1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You fucked up big.... GET OVER YOUR FEAR OF REJECTION!!! that other dude did and now he’s gonna get to fuck what you only dreame! NOW GO TO SLEEP... thinking everytime you’re thinking of her he’s busting nuts inside her pussy while she screams his name.. you dumb incel.... you snooze you lose!

[–]mortalcoil10 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

This guy has some good advice for you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAhA7KfbJgg

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I miss Bob Newhart

[–]BusterVadge0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Withdraw slowly as to not make a scene or a big deal about it. Simultaneously go game other women OUTSIDE OF WORK.

[–]indianajonesindiana0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You say she found someone else. Who? Another co-worker or some guy outside of work?

[–]dm2220 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The aswer is slowly get less close to her

If you do it too fast you will come out as hurt

[–]RedPillAlphaBigCock0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is the only right answer: Go out and meet other girls and close them

[–]boy_named_su0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The thing is, I kind of feel obligated to continue to interact with her to save face

I would describe that as the opposite of frame

[–]DANR67670 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Stop being a bitch get rid of her. You wanted her as a girlfriend not a friend. Stop being a pussy soyboy bitch and look for another slag. There's plenty more out there.

[–]thebadmanpuntdbaxter0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If you're feigning interest in information that you have none for that is your fault. If you express indifference and a lack of interest in a subject she'll eventually lose interest in sharing with you. If you playfully make it painful for her rational mind to discuss the topics with you she'll be averse/short circuit

[–]InsidiousCurve0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If you never orbited around her outside of work, then you can work on this to achieve an end result. In reality, you need to stock spending time with her less and less etc, insinuating that you are with some other girl..etc. Look for some kind of reaction to your behavior, whether she confronts you on it or starts giving you negative looks. You need to rebuild the initial tension somehow and then eventually ask her out for drinks.

And Women don't think rationally about the context of a work environment, it is so far in the back of their mind.

[–]zxcvb78090 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think you need to hit the gym more. I know people in these communities say men are the prize and maybe it is a valueless saying but it is true. For a woman to be attractive she has to not be ugly and not be fat. That is not hard compared to what it takes to be an attractive dude.

[–]fartt1230 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

man I feel this way for most of the people I know. Like I feel obligated to say what's up, if ever said what's to them before. sometimes it's just bad sometimes interactions turn out nice, but I gotta stop and I get what you saying about saving face like I know I should just ignore this person but I'll just say what's up its like I have add or something. Ignoring people is hard for me.

[–]Asherware 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

When you didn't make the move after she showed you that she was into you she categorized you. This is literally done sub-consciously for women. She deems you nice, but not fuckable since you don't pass her --again, subconscious shit tests. Hence her interest waned. The fact that you are posting here about it means you're hung up about it and she almost certainly detects it in your interactions.

You need to start realizing quickly that she's just another hot girl and there are a LOT of them in this world right now. Get out and meet new people and don't pine or find excuses to be around her.

[–]pornodio0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Inject Test and all these pussy thoughts will magically disappear and she'll want to bang you

[–]VigilantSmartbomb-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

You don’t owe it to anyone, even yourself, to be who you were yesterday, or even 5 min ago. Why cut her off completely? Wouldn’t you rather learn and know how to win her back? Just keep playing the game, but don’t invest so much into her— just start being true to your motives. You likely don’t give a fuck about her, you like the convos so that’s cool, but you wanna fuck and you’re hiding that. That’s in itself being untruthful, and you’re a truthful man right? Don’t sugar coat the shit!

Oh, and fuck that job, go fuck some bitches man lmao

[–]Rollo_Mayhem3-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Can you be an orbiter if you fucked her several times already?



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