706,399 posts

Suspect she cheated in the past. But not sure. What to do?

Reddit View
September 15, 2019
10 upvotes

Four months ago she was at a out of town work conference. Our relationship was a bit rocky and we were arguing often during that time. This was before I discovered TRP. She finished up at the conference and wasn't replying to my text (we were texting throughout that day, and she always replies fast). 9:00pm came and I tried calling her (we usually talk on the phone at this time when she's away. No answer. For the first time in the past year she never answered the phone during our chat time. No reply to my text. 10:00pm comes and she calls me and says she was busy talking to work prospects.

Today I had her phone in hand and checked her FaceTime (video call) history. I saw a video call that was made that same night (four months ago) at 8:30pm for 20 minutes with a man who's name I don't recognize (I didn't get his number; his contact name was his email address). Ever since I've known her she has only used FaceTimed with her parents and me. My gut feeling was bothering me so much a few months ago on that night, and now there's maybe more evidence to support something was up.

What should I do now? Of course I can't confirm that she cheated. And I won't talk to her about it and show more weakness while divulging that I looked through her video call history. It would only put her on the defensive. Things are better between us now, but I'll feel like I'll never know if she cheated.


Post Information
Title Suspect she cheated in the past. But not sure. What to do?
Author asecondlife2
Upvotes 10
Comments 49
Date 15 September 2019 02:53 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/253888
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/d4lgdd/suspect_she_cheated_in_the_past_but_not_sure_what/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
cheatingthe red pill
Comments

[–]lololasaurus8 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy

A hard situation. I can empathize with not wanting to put effort into someone who breaks that trust and shares herself with another man when she vowed to only share herself with you. Or might have.

This used to really get me going. I was previously married, and she DID cheat, at least twice that she admitted, likely much more, so I found myself ill equipped to deal with it when I started wondering if my current wife was cheating when she played her functional separation games.

But what can you do?

You could have frame and just nuke it all. You don't trust her, after all.

I believe one could have frame and not (until you know, then if you keep her around you have no frame), too, but neither of us could do this at the stage you're at.

We could go all amateur detective and still never get conclusive evidence. And the more she finds out you're looking the more manipulation she can apply and next thing you know she'll have you thinking up is down, war is peace, ignorance is strength via incredible gaslighting or other methods. You'll find yourself apologizing to her for her cheating or other crazy stuff like that.

We could go amateur detective and actually get the conclusive evidence. This is a danger in itself when you have no frame. She explains why she did it (anyway, the version YOU get) and it's all your fault and now what will you do? So now with your giant lack of frame what are you going to do? Leave her? With what frame? I think this route is where a lot of blue pill fellas end up in serious danger of self harm.

There is another option, though.

It's in the sidebar. See what you really need is to get to a point - not via manipulation or being fake - where you've lifted so much, and developed so much frame, and have such awesome stuff going on in your life that the power balance has shifted away from where it's at to a place you don't need to actually do this on purpose, but she worries that YOU might be doing this, simply because you aren't living your life needy for her time constantly.

At some point while you're developing this man, you may find evidence that she did cheat. Act accordingly.

At some point while you're developing this man, you may find that you could do way better and not have to wonder about that anymore, and if you actually improve yourself so that your next relationship is not blue pilled, you might even not take the blue pilled self with you and you might be somewhat right. Act accordingly.

At some point while you're developing this man, you may find that she's actually tolerable and worth keeping around because she adds value and brings what you want to the relationship.

But the only way our of the cycle you're stuck in is to develop frame. That's probably only possible once you start to show yourself that you can master something masculine. So start with lifting. Don't argue or play private detective with your wife - STFU instead. Go read the sidebar books. They really are worth your time over and over. Build new habits. Become your own mental point of origin. Build frame. Do hard, excellent things. Achieve mastery and competence. Go train martial arts.

Hope that helps. Sorry you're going through that.

[–]hack3geRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If this doesn’t help OP nothing will....

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"29 points30 points  (6 children) | Copy

I wouldn't be quite so cavalier and laissez-faire as the other dudes. Partially because 99 out of 100 idiots who stroll into this joint are likely to ruminate over this shit forever.

At the same time, I'd want to know.

Granted my wife could be at Costco right now getting it in the ass in the appliances section, but if she is, I'd like to be aware of it.

You've got the person's contact information. Find out who he is. If it doesn't make sense in the context of a business contact, then you can just nuke it all.

Also, don't fucking facetime every day at a particular "chat time" that's super gay.

She probably cheated because that shit is so goddamn boring and predictable, perhaps like you.

[–]RP_PO12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed. I want to live my life in a way that makes everyone around me wonder “whats that fucker up to now?”

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy

I’m with Johnny here. You have his email. Research it a little

Trust, but verify. But don’t say a fucking word unless you have some hard evidence, and it’s not likely you will get any evidence.

Don’t spend too much time on it though - It’s easy to go down a rabbit hole, and you’ll drive yourself insane. I suspect you’re not telling us the whole story and you’re already in the rabbit hole. It runs deep

But, you sound like you are mate guarding. I’m guessing you FaceTimed and texted her 30 times that night when she wasn’t responding. I’m also guessing you’ve expressed your worries about her cheating to her... but ya left all that out, didn’t ya. That shit alone will drive a woman to cheat. Ask me how I know you’ve mate guarded badly and how I know you’re deep in the rabbit hole

[–]pussykiller0093 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

How do you know?

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

OP has to ask. He’s too scared though

[–]WolfofAllStreetz0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Was thinking how gay facetiming is with anyone. Ive done it once while away with my Daughter.

[–]Tbonesupreme0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yup. Only my daughter, and only because i have shared custody.

[–]PillUpAss27 points28 points  (5 children) | Copy

The best outcome for you is to assume she cheated and had a train run on her asshole for days.

Now what? If you understand AWALT, realize it is YOU that created the situation for this to happen, not her. A woman will never risk losing a man she knows could be better off without her - it's not in their nature. So, that guy that could be better off without her... that's not you...yet. Will you just sidebar the shit out of the sidebar already?

Don't become Inspector Faggot and try to figure out what happened on that dark stormy night all those months ago; the answer doesn't matter and that bullshit quest will consume you. Invest that energy and time in bettering yourself instead.

[–]asecondlife2[S] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

thanks. all that you wrote rings true. I need to continue improving my value and realize that I would be fine without her and be able to find someone of high value no problem.

I think I need to live as if I was single. I don't mean picking up women. I mean focusing on myself more and assume that I'm all I've got in the end. It's just me and my mission.

[–]peaceandlug0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yep. Stay plan is the same as the go plan.

[–]into_being3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

100% Perfect response. Finding yourself as an amateur detective means at least 2 things (from my experience):

1st: you are not your mental point of origin.

2nd: you should probably plan the escape, or you’ll prolong the suffering. You don’t trust her. There’s a reason for that.

[–]PillUpAss3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

1 - Yes, you’re in her frame and she’s firmly in control of your balls. Have some fucking dignity in this case and don’t be this case.

2 - I wouldn’t bother leaving her yet. Women change as your value increases, you have to max your value then see what sort of being appears where your wife used to be. Plus we’ve said it 1000x here, there’s no point in leaving if you are still low value. I’d extend that in most cases to you should be 95%+ of your potential before considering if leaving better fits your mission, and having a cunty woman around can actually help you get there faster.

[–]into_being1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Concur. However I maintain that planning for the exodus is beneficial, even if you’re able to put out the dumpster fire and go on to have a redeeming marriage... there should always be an actionable “go plan” with frame to match.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando10 points11 points  (6 children) | Copy

Go to Pornhub.

Type in "real amateur cheating wife in hotel".

There, you will find literally thousands of videos of wives getting fucked in hotel rooms by someone who is not their husband. One of them might even be your wife.

OK?

Now.. feel that anger? That's what you need... anger.. a fuel, an energy to drive you to become everything you should be... a man whose wife would never cheat on him and a man who other wives want to cheat on with.

You have been dealt a hand but now you can choose how to play it.

[–]hack3geRed Beret3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy

I just spent 8 hours looking through god damn pornhub videos trying to find my fucking wife thanks to you....

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Did you find her?

[–]hack3geRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Man I wish because my ass hurts from fence sitting...

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I'm surprised there's any room left on the fence.

[–]hack3geRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah it’s getting crowded up here - I’m nothing special.

[–]Thor-Loki-10 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Dude, I got the video we made right here. You could have just asked.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

That sucks man.

[–]FoxShitNasty834 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Take a deep breath, and another, keep going.

The thing is your hapster is spinning wild and your prior actions are needy as fuck. I agree with others about verify but dont drive yourself mental.

YOU will be a high value man. YOU will give zero fucks about being or staying with a shitty woman. YOU will find your own central point of origin and will live life on YOUR own terms. YOU will be the fucking man! STFU and LIFT

[–]Thor-Loki-15 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Dude, you know. That's the thing. Even if she didn't do anal and ass to mouth, you know.

Question is, what are you going to do about it?

[–]RStonePT2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

I've always hated these. Literally a snap shot of peoples lives, and a guy hoping to be the exception of the standard story.

You've told a story that leads us all to think she cheated, which she may have. Of course I know fuck all about you, and that kind of makes a difference.

[–]asecondlife2[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I just don't know wtf to do about it. It makes my hamster spin thinking that she may have cheated. The thought of her cheating disgusts me. And now I find out about her facetiming a unknown guy at 8pm while out of town during the night my gut told me something was wrong. And from 8pm - 10 she was silent.

Of course none of that is proof of anything. But when it all adds up.. I don't know what to do with it. Confronting wont work. Ignoring it will make me a fool if she actually has cheated. Snooping will probably only make my hamster spin more. All options seem like shit. I guess the RP option is to focus on myself, but wouldn't you want to know?

[–]RStonePT4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Did you ever consider kicking her to the curb? Sometimes we don't get a good answer, the not a least bad one

And I used to think I would. Now I'm leaning towards "putting me in a position where I could reasonable suspect infidelity is good enough"

When I was a young sailor doing pickup, one of the best things I internalized was knowing that a girls notch count would always be twice that of mine, and moving on from there became easy.

Besides, at least at first, if she wants to, you'll probably never know.

[–]Bedtimeshine0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Get a voice activated recorder, lots of batteries, a big memory card, and some double sided Velcro tape and hide the VAR under the front seat of her car... that will get you some answers. And find his identity

[–]WolfofAllStreetz-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

You have to bury that insecurity. Its like a pit in your stomach but once you realized shes not yours its just your turn you will be better off.

[–]tom-anonymous2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy

OP take it from someone who pulled the trigger too soon listen to lololasaurus

You have a tough road ahead of you. It's been 7 months for me and I'm wishing I would have waited and verified before saying anything. Women will gas light, rationalize and straight out lie about something so obvious. In my case:

Oh you bought new see through panties? Easy answer - I wanted to feel sexy.

Oh you were going to tell me about the crush before I confronted you? But you were driving by his house 5-10 times a day and stalking his and his wife's fb page every hour days/hours before? Easy answer - I wanted to get it out of my system before I said something to you.

Oh you wrote him a text inviting him over for a haircut days after you said he told you he wanted to kiss your body? Easy answer - he was planning on coming over way before any of that happened.

Oh a few months ago you joked about having an open relationship and then backed out? Oh that, I was half kidding and didn't have a crush on him at the time.

The point I'm trying to make is she will not own it and she will blame you for all of it. You will sit there listening to each pathetic excuse after another and realize there's no way to use words and communicate out of this.

When she see's you not buying any of it and notices that you're improving yourself and moving on with your life, she'll take responsibility after the fact and tell you what you want to hear because in the moment her emotional hamster is telling her she needs you.

Once she's proven capable of doing it you'll always question whether or not it will happen again. It doesn't matter if you were a shitty husband and you're an amazing version of yourself now. It will eat you up inside as the months go on. What's worse is you'll become even more confused as she becomes the perfect wife you always wanted. Yes she's the perfect wife now, but whether it's temporary or forever it came at a cost.

You'll always question her integrity for being capable of doing it and thinking she can get away with it. You'll question your own integrity for staying with her.

For now be patient. Make your stay plan the same as you're go plan. You know it happened. Wait for it to happen again and get the proof you need to move on without regret.

[–]hack3geRed Beret1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

I hope you nexted her....

[–]tom-anonymous0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

My go plan is the same as my stay plan. So technically no.
As I work through my RP training I'm finding the inevitability of leaving her easier. The life I now imagine without her is better than the one I have with her.

[–]hack3geRed Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

The life I now imagine without her is better than the one I have with her.

Why don’t you stop being a faggot and make that life a reality instead of dreaming about it.

[–]tom-anonymous1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Sincere question because I read some of your past. Why didn't you next your wife overnight?

[–]hack3geRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I like a man who cuts right to the chase.

If I am being completely honest - fear.

I should have 100% walked away even with no hard evidence of cheating - the behavior and disrespect was enough but then again I wasn’t a man worthy of respect.

There are details not in my history like how I drew up papers and told her we were getting divorced. Ultimately, I gave up on her completely and burned that shit completely to the ground. I decided to give myself the full 16 months to work on becoming the man I wanted to be before walking out. I kid you not the week before 16 months after I had just reached back out to my lawyer we had a main event and things changed after that.

That all being said my story is far from complete and I actually think it’s more likely than not that I will walk eventually.

I’ve been told I should write a post on my journey but I’m nothing special just a guy who decided it was time to live his life on his own terms.

[–]tom-anonymous0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks for your answer man. I was in the same boat as you. Never had fear of being alone, but fear of not being able to find someone as good as her. Fear of seeing her with someone else. Oneitis. Ego. Last week was our 20th anniversary and something switched in me. I no longer feel I need her. I know longer feel I need any woman. What happened between us was a circumstances of AWALT, and I should have known better she wasn't a unicorn. However sometimes the aftermath of AWALT is not worth the trouble regardless of whether or not I could have prevented it.

[–]hack3geRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

However sometimes the aftermath of AWALT is not worth the trouble regardless of whether or not I could have prevented it.

There in lies the rub - the vase will alway show cracks regardless of how well it’s glued back together.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Classic! - About four months ago I was at a conference and some married chick undressed for me on facetime, and was sick of her "wet pancake" husband. Begged me for it.

She said she needed a real man.

Please tell her i say hi.

[–]WolfofAllStreetz1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

thought this was redsfp for a second

[–]Iammrp26 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

You have his email? Contact him and see if he wants to do a MMF threesome. You keep thinking about him so you must have a crush.

[–]seedster51 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Cheated in the past? I'm sorry what the fuck compelled you to stay. Did she accidentally cheat?

[–]JameisBong4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Leave it alone,also lift and be a man. Nothing can be done about the past,only the present and potentially the future. Eventually she will tell you with her actions if she cheated at which point be ready to leave the relationshit.

[–]umizumiz0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Nothing you can do. Just keep doing what you were doing, the stay plan is the go plan. Good luck.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2020. All rights reserved.

created by /u/dream-hunter