This post is edited so it would fit this sub better. Despite reading like a personal piece, everything in this post are generalizable as many UMC men in my circle practice similar dating patterns. I figure to hear from an actual UMC man would be of interest to the sub.

So a little bit about me. I am a surgeon recently finished with training. Already signed for a job where my income is in the 99% percentile of that particular city. It is many times the minimal of 100k household income thought to qualify for the UMC classification by income. I am in my early 30s. Because of my generational wealth I have minimal debt.

At this point in my life, I am looking for marriage and to have children. I want my next relationship to be one with my life partner. As a result, I am looking for this person accordingly.

At this point in my life, I know my ideal wife. She has the following characteristics, in this order.

  1. (optional) Physician of some type. Ideally a specialist.

  2. She must LOVE me the way my first college girlfriend with me will. We are talking about spontaneous, passionate love making everywhere we traveled. We are talking about solving arguments just by having sex. We are talking about soul-bonds.

  3. White. I am not white but I like who I like.

  4. Attractive, at least 6-7 to me. This is actually the most negotiable part.

  5. (optional) Has generational wealth. My family has built such wealth. Ideally her family has comparable wealth as well.

  6. Must sustain intellectual discussions.

  7. As you can see, this is actually not an exhaustive list. Let me break down the thought process on each one of those on the list.

  8. Why physician of some sort? Just like many men who've grown up in an era where divorce is devastating, I fear divorce. I know sometimes things just don't work out. However, unlike some men here, I WANT to get married, have children, etc. I also KNOW that most UMC or UC women I know will NOT settle for being a "partner". As a matter of fact, early marriage in the UC women that I know (and I am only very peripherally involved in those people's life during medical school because I cannot break that class divide) is a sign of privilege. It means that they were either smart enough or privileged enough to enjoy the care free, fun and wild college life and still meet a SO during medical school, often with family connections. I am NOT connected with those families and I chose to not want to marry my own race so my family's connection to UC of my people doesn't matter (to their frustration). In order to balance the fear of being taken advantage of in an unfair divorce versus my desire for marriage, marrying someone with similar earning power is actually the only viable way. This isn't just me. This is the action taken by my cohort of male surgeons that I've trained with. I put down optional because there are other professions that are as prestigious and well earning. Now, you may ask me, hey throwguy, I know some doc who married a nurse. Now, question for you, when did this marriage occur? (I bet they are older). Has the male doc already been married once? Now, you may ask me about the stay-at-home wife some docs have. Let me guess, they met during college. I will absolutely not take on a woman with expectation that she will stay at home. No matter how attractive or prestigious she may be. If she's a surgeon or a politician who decided to go part time or even stay home after bearing my children, sure. But someone with no career has NO CHANCE with me.

  1. Love me the way my first love loved me. My first love is an absolutely amazing woman in her own right. She traveled extensively and made the world her oyster. I fell in love with her organically in college, without online dating. We truly, truly loved each other. I have been alpha widowed by a woman. It's truly ironic, that I broke up with one of my first sexual partners so I can "play the field" in NYC, who ended up being someone I pair bonded the most. No other women, save one or two, held candle to her. I am actually not entirely sure if I am still capable of pairbonding like I bonded to her, but I assume my future wife, if a capable and amazing woman in her own right, MUST have someone like that in her life, and for our sake, we will try together.

  1. White.

  1. Attractive: I value physical fitness because my work actually involve taking care of obese people from time to time. I see first hand the damage of obesity do to the body and it literally makes my job more difficult. (Obesity contribute to actual surgical errors according to research). I am fit myself and I expect my future partner to be slim to fit. I actually do not care about facial feature as much except heavy makeup use being a turn off. All my SOs were naturally beautiful without make up. I went on a few dates recently where you can tell those women were just trying so hard and it's actually a turn off.

  1. Generational wealth: My last ex had unknown amount but significant generational wealth and we agreed on having a prenup before marriage. I am a huge supporter of that. Generational wealth is not a must but if her parents are not as well-to-do it can definitely put a damper on how much our parents are going to enjoy each other's company.

  1. Intellectual discussions: I happened to LOVE my work. It's a big part of my life. During my 30s birthday, a group of us (all male physicians) celebrated. Another surgeon told his wife in very excited tones that our anesthesia guy brought Zofran (Don't worry, no scheduled drugs were involved). If you don't know what Zofran is, I would then have to explain to you what it is and why it contributed to our party.

So how do we use this list? And this is the part where it gets really interesting. I have a fairly high N-count because I think like many men, sometimes the mood calls for "dumpster-diving" tinder. A literal phrase coined by another physician colleague. The below statement is generalizable to many UMC men like me.

So what is tinder like for a guy like us? I don't get a crazy amount of matches, but if I really try, I can have sex that day within about 3-5 hours of tindering. This is about comparable to my other single colleague's experience. Nearly all my first dates now either lead to sex or second dates depends on what I am going for and for many women, they profess that their dates with me is the "most amazing" ever and they tend to last at least 3-4 hours. I get it. I was once shy too, but I literally cut people open and a big part of my day to day life is to convince people to put that trust in my hand. I know how to talk to people one on one and get my (and their) best side to come out and I spoke at international conferences. Sorry, it's an uneven playing field.

Now, this is where the whole "men is the gatekeeper of relationship" part comes in. I almost always reply to messages. Lately, when women don't fit the criteria I listed above, I will simply tell them "I am not looking for a serious relationship". Most of them actually are perfectly fine settling with just having sex with me, something I used to enjoy more but now less since casual sex is no longer my preferred way of spending my downtime. When a woman who fit the criteria come in? The expectation is relationship that lead down to marriage. The take away should be that in the late 20s and early 30s, or with accomplished men, if he's telling you "I am not looking for something serious." It's almost always YOU and no, he won't change his mind.

I'll continue for more thoughts if there is enough interest.