Should a man tell his gf that he struggles with depression?

killertubbie · 2019-05-27T03:45:10+00:00

This is the situation where you're gonna see how worthy your girlfriend is when situations are not so pink anymore. If I were you, I'm still gonna be honest and be open about it and see how supportive she is. In the case that she's not supportive at all, a heartbreak from that type of person is not much of a tragedy. Would you rather live your life with someone as honest as possible or would you rather live in a lie for the rest of your life?

blackkindergods · 2019-05-27T00:49:48+00:00

Hmmm depends.

Honestly if u can get girls just open up and if she doesn’t like it move on, if you’re in a long term relationship imo for me personally I want vulnerability and trust and transparency or bust, why waste my time.

If you can’t get none without her different story

pleasantlyplumpy · 2019-05-27T01:30:22+00:00

I’ve been depressed in 2 past relationships and both of them used it as an insult when arguing.

I would not tell my s/o again.

Hope you’re alright, OP.

LeJacquelope · 2019-05-27T02:56:52+00:00

Only if you want to break up with her.

The3liGator · 2019-05-27T02:34:23+00:00

Depends. If you want to guarantee that the relationship lasts, don't tell her.

If you want to risk your relationship in hopes of maximizing its emotional benifits, tell her.

[deleted] · 2019-05-27T00:58:37+00:00

I think he should. There is just so much miscommunication when people hide facts like this. If she knows what it is, maybe boundaries of how he sees her responding and just general knowledge of the topic, life just goes so much better. Who knows - maybe she can help. At the least she will understand more. I don't think it is something you can hide forever.

ThisIsJustATr1bute · 2019-05-27T00:52:56+00:00

Yeah you should why even be married if you can’t share your innermost stuff I mean I would want that intimacy and be very insulted if he didn’t consider me inner circle enough to discuss the real stuff in his life.

reluctantly_red · 2019-05-26T22:46:54+00:00

In my opinion, I wouldn't. Women think less of men for showing too much emotion and weakness, can lose attractiveness for men who do so, and will think about leaving.

I think I'm gonna get a lot of downvotes and women trying to make it sound like they don't think badly of those things, but I think that's just for show, more than anything women hate the idea of being thought in a negative light socially and will do or say anything to make themselves seem like they're not a bad person. But if you're a man, you're only allowed to be a little bit weak, only allowed to show it once in awhile, and it's only tolerated if you're providing her with enough money or social status.

Superfluous_Toast · 2019-05-27T15:12:46+00:00

This is one of the worst places to ask this question. This place is full of the type of people who will tell you the same things your depression does, that you're weak and unworthy and you should never let anyone know because they'll abandon you. The only way to know for sure what kind of person you're dating is to be honest with her about what you're going through. If you cannot confide in the person you care about most, then they are not worth of being that person, they don't know you. If she can't handle it, it's not because you're weak. It's because she is.

QueenCousland86 · 2019-05-27T17:40:19+00:00

I was in a seven year relationship with someone who was so depressed that he tried frequently to kill himself. If you don't seek solutions, she'll end up leaving either way. Therapy, meds, whatever- if you can't give 100% of yourself to making it work, it will eat away at you AND her, even if you don't tell her. Depression is a lie your brain tells itself and you deserve to feel better.

SeemedGood · 2019-05-27T05:22:58+00:00

Your instincts are correct. They come from your past experiences, and despite what many may say, you’d be foolish to ignore those experiences and the instincts which have arisen from them.

Your girlfriend might consciously want you to be emotionally vulnerable with her, and she might very well be consciously supportive of you if you are.

Subconsciously, however, your emotional vulnerability will signal weakness to her and women are repulsed by weakness in men. Unless she is extraordinarily introspective, objectively self observant and self critical she will likely not have mastered her subconscious reactions enough not to lose respect and attraction for you if you display emotional vulnerability.

Seek solace with and comfort from your close male friends. As much as they may consciously wish to, the vast majority of women won’t be able to truly empathize without experiencing subconscious distaste for your vulnerability - distaste which might well manifest as subconscious resentment in your girlfriend.

reluctantly_red · 2019-05-27T01:55:48+00:00

Unburden yourself to a therapist or a friendly bartender. Whatever you do don't tell your GF.

simplyput25 · 2019-05-27T11:04:19+00:00

Naaa she will take advantage of you subconsiously .. share it with peers

Fulp_Piction · 2019-05-27T11:27:45+00:00

Have you thought about getting help?

[deleted] · 2019-05-27T17:58:37+00:00

Tell her but don't be too candid about it. Like don't be crying in front of her about why you're depressed or anything.

But it's good that she knows, so she can give you space at certain times and so on.

WestsideMoonWalker · 2019-05-26T23:45:57+00:00

If you can't trust your partner to be supportive of you when you aren't having the best time, you aren't with the right person. Good god the people on this sub are dysfunctional. Being in a relationship while having mental health issues isn't easy, but it's not as hard as the people here say. You just can't be a pathetic self-pitying sad sack piece of garbage.

Like honestly though, who gives a fuck. If you are taking care of yourself and want to get better, and you are happy with your progress, that is really all that matters. Everyone goes through shit are some point or another, you are defined by how you deal with it, not by just experiencing it.

For reference, I've been in a 5 year long LTR as a man who is on the autism spectrum and has on and off struggles with depression. I have always been pretty open about my struggles, but I also have never shown any reason to believe I cannot deal with them. Shit happens, that's life. If you can't deal with shit, get good. Despite my own struggles, I can confidently say that this has been a happy and rewarding relationship.

TL;DR: it isn't suffering from depression, it's failing to deal with it in a constructive manner

oneprettycoolcat · 2019-05-27T06:11:16+00:00

If you don't want to fuck her anymore, sure.

BleachedJam · 2019-05-26T22:49:40+00:00

Noooooo! Never share authentic feelings with a woman, its guaranteed pussy dessicant. You go around telling female significant other your feels, she’ll stop sleeping with you and give you something to be depressed about.

I dont care if your mom died or whatever, the instant you burden her with your negative emotions is the moment she starts to subconsciously despise and resent you. Damn you, dont you realize emotional dumping and venting is HER job?? What are you, trying to be the woman?

The best you can do in the wake of the funeral is shrug and be like “guess it was her time. Whaddya want for dinner? I was thinking salmon and wild rice.”

sadomasochrist · 2019-05-27T02:04:30+00:00

Suffer in silence.

poppy_blu · 2019-05-27T00:32:22+00:00

Mr blu has struggled with depression. So have I. So has pretty much everyone I know. This is not as big a deal as you all make it out to be.

Believe me, she already knows. You can’t date or live with someone and not know. And she’s still there. She may be waiting for you to acknowledge it.

razenha · 2019-05-27T02:41:05+00:00

Not at first. Women usually drop their men at the first sign of trouble.

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Maaaaate · 2019-05-27T03:40:26+00:00

I've been through bouts of strong depression since my Mum died, and every girl I have confided in, gf or not, has abandoned me when I revealed that I am/was depressed. I'm not bitter about it. In fact, I understand that friends and some people want their friends/SO to be happy because someone who is not happy all the time is underappreciated and sometimes forgotten.

binkerfluid · 2019-05-27T04:47:11+00:00

any time i did she got angry with me or left me

Dash_of_islam · 2019-05-27T06:05:05+00:00

DONT TELL HER UNTIL YOU GET IT UNDER CONTROL

What we want is rarely what we think we want. Why else can't people stop excessive consumer consumption; always chasing that elusive happiness promised after 1 more purchase with 60 day money back Guarantee!

Ithinkthatsthepoint · 2019-05-27T09:09:25+00:00

Lol fuck no

Willow-girl · 2019-05-27T11:08:44+00:00

Why not stop "managing" your depression and instead change your life so you're no longer sad?

[deleted] · 2019-05-27T13:01:11+00:00

It makes a man less attractive to me.

CRGRO · 2019-05-27T14:10:42+00:00

No.

She can't help you with YOUR struggles.

beachredwhine · 2019-05-27T15:10:55+00:00

No. She's your GF not your therapist. Get a therapist and start working on some serious self knowledge.

rhyth7 · 2019-05-27T17:22:22+00:00

I have depression and most ppl are not understanding of it, the literally cannot fathom it. My exes tried to be supportive during the begginning but it wears on them. Best you can do is try to manage it with exercise and diet and maybe meds. You can disclose it but they will get tired of it.

Mr_Smoogs · 2019-05-26T22:42:43+00:00

Wtf. How have you managed to hide it for so long anyway? Of course you should tell.

I do tell even hookups I have issues here and there, but in a cheerful manner.

Mr_Smoogs · 2019-05-26T23:27:14+00:00

No. Women like strength and emotional resiliency. Go see a therapist or something.

Belfura · 2019-05-27T02:01:00+00:00

In all honesty, you should tell. It's important to tell your loved ones when you're dealing with something.

I do have to add though: the number of men on r/askMen who have made the observation that women lost their attraction to them as soon they opened up emotionally is not exactly small. Of course r/purplepilldebate will waive this away as a bunch of incels that were looking for a mom and failed to realise that a healthy relationship needs two adults, but I digress.

Regardless of the outcome, I think you have to tell her. Because right now, you're the one going through this. And regardless of what happens, this is about you.

Million-Suns · 2019-05-27T02:57:36+00:00

No you should not tell her.

First of all, she's your girlfriend, not your wife.

Secondly, even if she was your wife, she's not your therapist. It's not her job to handle that.

I’m afraid she would see that weak side of me and no longer be sexually attracted to me.

Exactly what would happen. She will stop to see you as a hot man, and more as a sibling that needs to be fixed, and supported. You don't support a sibling with sex.

LeaneGenova · 2019-05-27T11:17:46+00:00

My personal view is if you are serious about her then yes you should be open about it.

Don't confuse this as using her as your therapist, this will kill any sexual attraction fast.

But if you want a serious LTR with this woman, you cannot base it on lies. Well you can, but they will come out sooner or later.

I'm very open about this kind of shit, to everyone in general because I am against the stigma around mental illness and talking about it is the only true way to break that stigma, and it's not reduced my ability to get girls. I once picked up a girl by talking to her about being suicidal haha.

Female_urinary_maze · 2019-05-27T00:46:06+00:00

I know you've already received pleanty of advice from armchair sexologist guys who think women are another species that can't empathize and are only attracted to fake invulnerability, but please for goodness sake don't listen to them. She's not the mysterious female species, she's a regular person who loves you. Wouldn't you want to know if she was depressed? I know it's hard to open up after you've been hurt, and it might be a painful comfort to tell yourself that there's no point and that women would be repulsed by your emotions, but ultimately that's just depriving yourself of a closer relationship.

BleachedJam · 2019-05-26T23:43:45+00:00

You know her best, how do you think she'd react? I think all women are different. My husband cries at silly Facebook videos of animals and kids and I think no less of him. He also has depression and has contemplated suicide before. I didn't think less of him for telling me this when we were dating.

But then again, all women react differently. Does she seem like the type to end it over something like this? And if she is, do you want to be with her? You should be with someone who supports you and helps you through depressive episodes.

So tell her, if she leaves she's doing you a favor.

kandyapplez · 2019-05-27T01:52:55+00:00

um like every other dude in his 20s has ~ depression ~ or something , im sure most women in that age range would't even blink about it. however if you use disclosing your depression an excuse to "burst into tears at any second" then yes thats gonna damage her attraction to you

Aaren_Augustine · 2019-05-26T23:26:13+00:00

He needs to weight the options every time you show weakness to a woman. Each time you show weakness you decrease your own value by a lot and risk an end of the relationship. Also her behavior may be anything, from supportive to destructive.

You need to weight everything. Do you wanna do it or not? You probably know the chances better than me, so you tell me, is it worth the bet?

etompis · 2019-05-27T00:07:14+00:00

My ex had really bad depression and I did everything to support him in any way I could. He wasnt a less of a man when he cried. I loved him the same and appreciated that he could be vulnerable and trust me. Being honest will only strenghtnen your relationship.

Bntt89 · 2019-05-27T01:54:19+00:00

No just go to the therapist, regardless your gf will notice if you have true depression. But regardless it's just how it works you show weakness the women will lose attraction. Many will say yes but it isn't true.

MrHerbSherman · 2019-05-26T22:56:37+00:00

I would talk about it like it’s something that i used to deal with along time ago but that id beaten

Then I’d act like that as well

People love those kind of cheesy narratives

crystal_wb · 2019-05-27T06:49:28+00:00

Tell her.

abaxeron · 2019-05-27T10:34:27+00:00

I’m afraid she would see that weak side of me and no longer be sexually attracted to me.

Emphasis: the part you should work on.

There are many possible outcomes of you telling her, including that she just doesn't pay any attention because the word "depression" has been overused outside of its clinical meaning.

[deleted] · 2019-05-27T11:52:32+00:00

I’m depressed, have been for many years. I am on medication, and I have honestly told my gfs. They didn’t care, because it wasn’t like I wasn’t getting any help for it, or trying. Would I still get sad and have episodes? Sure, but it’s about how you manage your depression. As long as it doesn’t feel like a burden, they won’t care.

top_footballer · 2019-05-27T13:49:09+00:00

What if the relationship is cause for depressive episodes? A relationship that's too good to leave and too bad to stay?

wageovsin · 2019-05-27T14:28:51+00:00

Clinical diagnosis? Are you currently seeing any professionals. Telling her should be in the context of you doing something about it. Also have you guaged her views on mental illness and people on medication in general. Because some people think bad of everyone with past mental issues, and people treating them with SSRIs etc. Others may be more forgiving depending on if you are managing it. Clinical diagnosis and doing something about it is important its much more likely to be treated as a medical illness with professionals involved. and she wont blame herself. Or think your choosing to be sad or doing it for pity

LancerKagato · 2019-05-27T18:14:45+00:00

Dont ever, I have some minor physical disabilities. I walk with a limp often, I have constant unceasing pain from neuropathy that can get pretty intense and I occasionally fall due to the neuropathy and muscle autoimmune disorder I developed while doing something in the military. Women don't touch me for anything long term.

Show zero weakness nowadays or you're screwed

nofap2010 · 2019-05-28T06:45:43+00:00

Why would you want to be in a relationship where you can't even be yourself long term? Why would you want to punish yourself like that? How can that be even remotely alpha? This is what's alpha, being completely yourself and nexting if the person you're with looks down upon you for that. Willingness to lose and being okay with it is alpha. Your relationship is an extension of you and not the other way around. You'll naturally be alpha to women by your willingness to be alone and not giving into the social programming. This is called holding frame, when you're reality prevails nut the imposed reality.

[deleted] · 2019-06-03T00:31:44+00:00

DrFreethink · 2019-08-07T20:22:53+00:00

Yes.

jenovajunkie · 2019-05-26T23:55:39+00:00

Yeah, great move; ask the internet about how to deal with your mental health.

ms_vritra · 2019-05-27T00:31:27+00:00

I'd say it depends on your relationship and her character, it's impossible for a stranger on the internet to say. I'm a woman so judge me as you like.

Personally I don't see depression, sadness, crying etc as weakness, everyone suffers differently and I don't believe holding stuff back is the right way. If she never struggled with something similar she might be less understanding but I'm the opposite, I very rarely connect with people who've never suffered and generally work best with people as fucked up as myself. People who I have to hide parts of myself from or who don't open up to me usually don't work, and that goes for both men and women, and all kinds of relationships.

I've had several relationships end because of my mental health, and it's been really rough. I'm still broken from the last two (one friendship and one romantic relationship close together in time) but I'd rather be alone than trying to hide my struggles. Only you can answer what you value most, and have a chance to judge the probabilities given her personality.

grand_tiremaster · 2019-05-27T04:18:13+00:00

Have you talked to a doctor and been prescribed medication? You don't need to talk to a psychiatrist. Any doctor will do, tell them you're depressed and anxious, and you will be prescribed effexor.

Suck-Less · 2019-05-27T09:19:14+00:00

Find someone else to talk to. Do not suppress it. Therapist or good friend, you need to talk. Don’t make the mistake of thinking women can process this and still be sexually attracted to you. I wouldn’t even tell her about the therapist.

I have never seen this workout. I’m sure it can, but it is dam rare. Women have serious issues with their man being human.

Reus958 · 2019-05-27T10:15:47+00:00

I've been revealing my crippling anxiety with my gf over the last few years. It was only in the last few months that shes seen me completely break down in front of her. We've only grown closer for it.

Shes a pretty traditional girl in some ways, so her expectations of her man to he stoic might be higher than average.

The truth is, suffering from depression like you are, you have already hurt her in some ways and will continue to, and the more you hide it the more hurt it will cost.

Not only that, though: without support from your loved ones, your depression will continue and you'll struggle to be who you want to be. If she can't support you emotionally in a time of need, she doesn't deserve you.

She'll probably be more attracted to you for your vulnerability and emotionally raw state. She'll love you more for the trust you are showing. Plus she'll understand your behaviors of avoidance and withdrawal and be less turned off at them and feel less guilt.

So tell her. You don't have to explore everything at once, and unless shes been depressed there are many things she won't understand, but if you two are a good fit for each other this is a barrier to work over. Don't worry about the red pill theories or the blue pill counter jerk and just be present and honest with your gf

shonenhikada · 2019-05-28T04:26:54+00:00

Women do not care about men's concerns or desires. Men who show weakness or break of strong male stereotype are quickly discarded and seen as weak. Women will only tolerate weakness if it is in a setting that she thinks is appropriate. Always remember, women do not see men as people but as resources/actors.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2019-05-26T23:04:05+00:00

I don't even wanna see you talking us about it

playful_myth · 2019-05-27T00:18:55+00:00

I'll be honest, it depends on the frequency. I'm quite empathic and I don't have any problems listening to his struggles, as long as he's not crying/venting/being suicidal the majority of the time. I'm in a relationship with a guy like that for years now and I feel like I'm falling out of love. Of course there's others factors in play, but him being negative 99% of the time is making ME depressed.

Autistic_Reeeeeeeeee · 2019-05-27T01:31:35+00:00

Never.

But she probably already knows. Unless you are good at hiding it.

If you are depressed do something about it.

Depression stems from lack of meaning.

Lack of meaning stems from lack of goals.

Lack of goals stems from laziness.

Unless you have had extreme trauma in your life your depression is simply laziness manifest.

Women don't like depressed guys with mental issues.

They will only be supportive up until a point and showing this weakness will completely degrade the relationship.

If you can't sort this out yourself see a therapist.

Walk in there, tell the prick you are depressed. Say you have little money and time to deal with it. Say you don't want medication. tell him/her (preferably him) what is wrong. Say you don't want to make this a regular thing.

Take his/her advice with a grain of salt. Go see another one. Repeat this until you finally realise nobody actually has the answers you need to hear.

Find a purpose. Commit yourself to it. Bring your girl along for the ride.
Stop wallowing in self pity.

Even if you did go through a trauma this is still the best course of action.

I know depression can sometimes be linked to actual brain function and therefore some people can't do this.

This is very rare though. This is probably not the case with you.

Even if it was who cares. This is still the best course of action.

flyinghorse1 · 2019-05-27T00:19:26+00:00

Yes, even though it will change how she sees you. The only reason is she will find out one day anyway if you spend your lives together. Perhaps don't build it up but tell oher there have been a few periods in your life where you've had it, but right now you've got it together. In that way, you've been honest and she's been forewarned. If you two are in love I don't think it will hinder you much at all.

Nobodykers · 2019-05-27T07:18:57+00:00

I wouldn't. Even my dumbass mom gets angry at me when i have a depression episode. So based on just that i wouldnt tell a gf ever, even tho my mom could just be an egocentric bitch (which she is)

jonascf · 2019-05-27T07:30:48+00:00

You should tell her about your struggle. But also let her know you're aware that you're the only one that can fix your problem and you won't expect her to fix you.

admiral_snugglebutt · 2019-05-27T07:38:31+00:00

Here's the thing: however well you think you're hiding it, you are not hiding it even close to that well. The most likely scenario is that she definitely knows something is wrong and she's just like "I wonder why he did that?" You would not be revealing this to her, so much as giving her an explanation for dumb stuff you've been doing that she already knows about. It would only make being in a relationship with you less frustrating.

throwaway_cuz_anon · 2019-05-27T10:11:48+00:00

I think definitely tell her. I hate that men often hide their feelings and thinking my bf could suffer without telling me makes me very upset.

I don't know why so many people advice you to hide it, I think any woman who thinks less of you for that or might leave you shouldn't be your girlfriend. Not worth it.

I would never think less of my boyfriend for such a thing.

The_Lone_Apple · 2019-05-27T11:48:46+00:00

Short answer: You should be honest with those who love you.

You think having depression is a sign of weakness? You think feeling emotions is a sign of weakness? They are not. Having no control of your emotions might be problematic if you allow them to dictate the course of your life and have them guide your decisions.

I've suffered with depression my whole life - I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which often makes me swing between intense feelings of emotion. The problem was that I suffered in silence for too many years. I drank as a way of anesthetizing pain. I sought out meaningless sex for the same reason. I raged at everything and everyone. I was a mess. Things didn't change for me until a went and got help. I found a therapist who I really liked and who listened without judging me (well -- maybe a couple of judgments on occasion). She helped me understand what was going on and to create techniques to not allow me to behave like I was just a piece of wood being carried along by the flow of a river.

One thing that did help me was that I told my partners about my issues. Not one of them -- not ONE -- rejected me because of it. It made them feel closer because I revealed my deepest darkest secret. It made us closer. Truth be told, a person who WOULD reject you is not worth having in your life. They don't deserve you.

themoderation · 2019-05-27T12:57:28+00:00

Comments here are truly sickening. You are suffering and part of a LTR is supporting each other through hard times. If you can’t talk to your girlfriend about real stuff then you’re missing out on the best parts of a relationship.

My dad is a general, married over 30 years to a gorgeous woman...he cries at extreme make over home edition. If your girlfriend is the kind of person who can’t handle a man cry, then she’s a garbage partner and you’re better off.

FlexForJesus · 2019-05-27T13:33:31+00:00

I would tell her. If she doesn't love and support you through it then you're better off without her since she's not the right person for you.

If on the other hand she replies to your honesty with understanding and your bond grows even stronger then it's a win.

I see being honest with this as a win-win situation either way. Got it?

donkeydodo · 2019-05-27T15:49:58+00:00

Depends on the quality of the girl really

VermiciousKnidzz · 2019-05-27T16:44:01+00:00

I’m afraid she would see that weak side of me and no longer be sexually attracted to me.

maybe she wont, maybe she'll be supportive of you seeking help and your life will improve. wouldnt that be great?

people that arent supportive of their partner's struggles arent worth dating. you deserve help and happiness OP, and you deserve someone who is on your team 100%.

your first priority is your own happiness and having a supportive partner is pretty tied into that imo.

KikiYuyu · 2019-05-27T18:07:40+00:00

Do you want the relationship to last? You gotta tell.

Depression is going to affect your behaviour, and if your partner has no explanation for it, it will look like you're being weird for no discernible reason. She'll either figure it out herself or wrongly assume you're just strange, distant, and hard to read.

I'll be blunt. If your girl ditches you because you're """weak""", you deserve 100x better than her. She also deserves for her partner to not assume she will be cruel and unloving.

You can't hide this forever. You're going to have an emotional outburst at some point if you stifle it.

iceicle999 · 2019-05-26T23:06:18+00:00

First of all, you have a gf, something a fair chunk of guys want but don't have. Second, you probably have a decent first world lifestyle. I'm not in your shoes and I don't want to discount your experiences, but you should be fine if you just go work out. And use cold water more often.

Title	Should a man tell his gf that he struggles with depression?
Author	u443
Upvotes	72
Comments	312
Date	May 26, 2019 10:36 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/bte97i/should_a_man_tell_his_gf_that_he_struggles_with/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/should-a-man-tell-his-gf-that-he-struggles-with.255589 https://theredarchive.com/post/255589