You asked!

The other day, Atlas and I had the following exchange:

Atlas_B_Shruggin I have always said that the worst thing a man can do for his marital sex life is choose a woman to whom sex is "special" or fraught with meaning. This is the exact woman who will shut down sex if hes not making it feel "special" or in the wrong circumstances or out of resentment etc. A woman who attaches little importance to sex is more likely to never say no or let life circumstances interfere with it edit: add "meaning" to "special".

crumblesnatch Very true. Quite a few men end up in dead bedrooms by insisting that sex be "special" as well - the male idea of special, anyway, as in: 110% effort fuck fantasy.

Women tend to need an alignment of forces for porn-worthy performances - not too stressed from work, not bloated or leaking or preoccupied; schedules have to align, etc. If her partner insists on ALL sex being "special"... well, she's only up to that standard like once a month. If that. She's probably up for a blowjob or a quickie or humping in front of Netflix every other day at least, but she's not gonna offer that if he makes it clear that's sub-par. And she's not gonna welcome his sexual advances either unless she's feeling 110%... which is not often. And then he posts on deadbedrooms, completely mystified why they aren't fucking more.

The lady who wants "special meaning" and the man who wants "special effort" both seem to think accepting meh sex on occasion will result in consistently meh sex, when the opposite is the case. Refusing meh sex gets you no sex at all; having lots of meh sex gives you more opportunity for the occasional Cirque du Soleil performance piece or Ultimate Intimacy or whatever.

Maintenance sex should really be thought of as "maintaining the continued flow of sexual feelings" rather than some kind of maintenance work one spouse does for another, imo.

TLDR: higher quantity → higher quality sex in a marriage/LTR. People who want "special" sex engender feelings of obligation and resentment in their partner, which is highly counter-productive to having more sex.

Discuss!