I would like a woman’s opinion on what ‘love’ is

I’m a 23 year old man, for the record.

The last year, I have been having a crisis in faith. Faith in myself, in God, in other people and in love. I’m pretty sure I was just being neurotic, but the woman I was in love with dumped me and it killed me. I didn’t speak to a soul for a month. I would break down in work randomly and I couldn’t trust the intentions of other women.

The reason why is that it opened my eyes to human nature, both male and female. And it fucking hurts. I was always enraptured by the higher ideas like true love and your twin flame, but ever since, all I’ve seen myself as to these women is a walking piggy bank. It completely jaded me to the point where i would break the hearts of women who didn’t deserve it. I thought they only wanted me for my money and status.

But now that the venom of it has subsided, replaced with a deep depression, I’m sorta just looking for answers, now. And I guess this is my next destination to try to make sense of this puzzle.

There’s two types of relationships I can imagine: true equality, and the captain/first mate dichotomy.

I wanted the true equal, like Bonnie and Clyde. Where we comfort each other no matter how bad it gets (barring obvious extremes). Where we would show each other our deepest, ugliest traumas and imperfections, but still clutch onto each other, by the simple virtue of being a mortal soul. It makes me feel comfortable.

Then there’s the Captain/First mate dychotomy that this sub has very well articulated. This is where I have my doubts, even if it’s the natural order of things, because the fact that I’m only loved if I have money and a good job calls into question whether it’s really love at all.

I think that statement above is what matters most.

Further, if we were to imagine a family as a ship, taking the wheel and being that captain, that’s fucking scary! But if I can find a way to believe that it’s real love, then if that’s my destiny, I’ll take that wheel and be the head of that ship. I always compared it to Bambi growing up to be the prince, but that’s for another post.

So, is it real love?