Older married members (40+) - how many dead bedrooms do you see in your social circle?

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2019-04-24T16:49:21+00:00

i think a better question is where ANYONE got the idea that aging together into middle age in marriage ever led to anything else on the whole

literally EVERYONE understood the slow down of sex through life and marriage when i was young, young people and old people. it was a fact of life like the rain and the wind

BirdManBrrrr · 2019-04-24T15:39:41+00:00

You're missing the cohort in their 30s who are getting dead bedroomed even before the wedding and oftentimes soon after. This isn't related to age, shit goes downhill quickly and anyone who believes youth has some beneficial factor for married sex life is dead wrong. I had and still have a very hard time finding an actual married couple in their early-mid 30s who was actually happy, nevermind actively fucking, and kids were not the common theme.

It's a running joke amongst men how marriage turns the sex spigot off, so to speak, and accepted as reality. That, or it's the reluctant duty sex the wife gives if--IF--the guy is assertive enough to demand it, but it's always accompanied with the "ew" factor. Even more egregious is the "special" sex men get that's treated as this huge deal: birthday, anniversary, valentines day. Finally, the husband gets his wife to act like she 1. wants him and 2. actually likes whatever special act she's doing.

Is there anything in common with people you know in dead bedrooms vs not?

The guys aren't fit, they're not attractive in any meaningful way, they're nice guys and generally good dudes but nothing special. Usually they're of well above average incomes also, but that's maybe just my social circle. Oftentimes they're the more progressive, self-described egalitarian types who others hold up as this shining example of "great communication" and "wow they're a team!", yet have some severe underlying issues.

Another trend is the women almost always have other unhappy women in their ear which produces a feedback loop of misery and how "they can do better" and relive their party days youth in some manner. I've heard a ton of those "omg remember that night back then lol so wild so much fun (sigh)..." stories from married women, almost ~~lamenting~~ resenting the choice they made to get married and have kids. My current LTR hears constantly how women she works with trash their husbands to eachother as if it's a competition.

tl;dr: Men aren't remarkable, women aren't happy. Anyone actually liking eachother and fucking on the regular are the outliers, not the norm.

wildtimes3 · 2019-04-24T15:14:58+00:00

50% or more. Probably higher. Just going on what I’ve actually heard, not speculation.

Wedding was like a switch thrown some have mentioned.

PennnyLame · 2019-04-24T16:37:51+00:00

I am not yet 40 but have been married for 8 years, together 14. Most married people I know are having sex. I think people need to separate jokes from actual complaints. Also, married men aren’t bragging about boinking their wives regardless of how often they are doing so. I think young men take the empty jokes of older men seriously and then assuming the rest of the men’s silence is agreement. Then they pearl clutch that NO ONE IS GETTING ANNNYYY! My husband used to mention his old coworkers would complain about their mean wives and how they never got any. I jokingly asked “Do you tell them we don’t have those issues?” And he replied “NO! Fuck those guys!”

I do know one couple that has a dead bedroom. Their relationship was totally based on sex. Very RP tbh. Shockingly it all fell apart. 🐸🍵

Aaren_Augustine · 2019-04-24T16:11:29+00:00

Late 40's. Nearly every marriage i know in my age group went through phases of DB and working it out. Theres like three couples that probably don't have sex at all anymore though, those people let themselves go and don't love each other anymore.

I think it's a gamble, no matter how much you don't want to find yourself in a DB situation in your marriage, recognizing the signs that it's going there is sometimes hard until it's already fucked up and now you have to work to fix it. There are no perfect marriages and frankly I know married people who actually hate each other and still have sex all the time, because that's really all they want from each other. It's not so black and white and DB is awful but it's not the only awful possibility.

Aaren_Augustine · 2019-04-24T15:13:49+00:00

39 so close enough?

I know my wife's friend Chelsea didn't have sex with her husband for 9 months after she got pregnant.

My parents, during their separation. TMI with all that shit.

Couple of coworkers throughout the years.

Its common. And it should be seen as something to divorce over.

Is there anything in common with people you know in dead bedrooms vs not?

Husband is overweight. Wife is either emotionally stunted and or she's a product of "hook up culture"; meaning, I like this dude so I'll hold off on sex because he's important which naturally leads into artificially restrict access so it's more rare in order to keep him. Basically, women take all the shitty habits of dating and apply them to their marriage. Disastrous results. Also, the one doing the dead bedroom to their spouse is fundamentally broken when it comes to communicating to the opposite sex; which is why Deadbedroom subreddit has had the sex talk a billion times with no fix.

reluctantly_red · 2019-04-24T15:31:30+00:00

A few -- not me personally -- had sex with my exes very regularly to the very end (past the end with the first one).

diffdedbed · 2019-04-24T15:59:58+00:00

I can't say.

I avoid such convos with vanilla friends. I have no idea. Don't ask don't tell.

My swinger friends, which is a good portion of our friends these days, have an obviously different dynamic.

What scares a lot of men away from marriage (among other things) is the prospect of a dead bedroom

See for a short while I thought we were heading that way, and I nipped that shit in the bud. Most people wait too long, put up with too much, and let their DB fester to the point that its impossible to fix. They do the same thing with the spouse looking shitty too (fat, slobby, whatever). DB is unacceptable and the spouse owes it to the other. If you are dating and your GF can't handle criticism or discuss things like sex etc, then thats a huge red flag to me because thats the type that won't be willing to work on issues later.

MGTOWKapow2 · 2019-04-24T14:58:11+00:00

I'm not married, but I've seen a lot of men, I mean a LOT, probably the majority - make some kind of caustic comment about a dead bedroom, and not one has ever said "well you know, mine's not like that" - they've just nodded, sadly.

battyryder · 2019-04-24T16:27:19+00:00

Just want to say, a guy I work with just bought a house with his girlfriend. Came in to work the week after complaining that he didn't get any(sex) over the weekend. I just laughed, but he is fucked now.

philomexa · 2019-04-24T16:52:18+00:00

Why would anyone know anything about their friend's sex lives? This so strange to me.

I don't know if my bestfriend and her husband have an active bedroom; but by all accounts they seem happy and affectionate with each other.

From what my husband tells me, him and the guys don't really talk about this stuff either, probably because everyone is LTR'd/married to someone else in this group that's been together since early college. Talking crude or negatively about a spouse means talking crude or negatively about a friend, so it's met with 'wtf dude?!' rather 'lol ball n chain, amirite?'

I don't know fuck all about anyone's bedroom habits, I can only speculate on one couple that might have a DB because the couple has an unaddressed alcohol problem. Everyone else is seemingly happy, healthy, and affectionate; no marital griping or shitty in group gossip.

I fully admit people put on a front, especially in image conscious UMC circles, but frankly what I don't know is what I don't know, and I prefer it that way.

LethalShade · 2019-04-24T19:19:03+00:00

I'm getting close to 40.

The men I actually get close to and get to know, are one of the following: cheating on their wife, trying to "earn" sex from her and get it on those special occasions like you mentioned, or not really having much sex and are ok with it for whatever reason. (Maybe ED or porn is just easier).

I have talked to various women and men about their sex lives, and not a single married one has claimed to have a good one. At best it's "ok". My wife often passes tidbits about her friend circle as well and from what I can tell, her female friends deadbedroom their LTR male partners as a matter of course. The "sex phase", to them, is apparently meant to be outgrown.

Just one example, I know one guy in my circle who is the epitome of "high value". He makes 200k+ a year, 6' tall, is incredibly fit, social, charming, and has many hobbies and talents..... he is currently getting dedbeadroomed by his girlfriend who is slightly overweight, insecure and has taken no less than 50 cocks during her wild phase. To be fair, he comes off as a bit whipped... I think he is trying to be sensitive, generous and kind and thereby win her affections. I don't think it's going to work.

Honestly there is some part of me that sees certain women like her and thinks "if he slapped the shit out of her every now and then she would actually love him more." Whatever, point I'm trying to make: I think this is way common, I don't think most relationships stay sexual long past the cohabitation point, and I think most people who "solve" it have to do creative shit like polyamory or some kind of all-day kink that infuses all their interactions and keeps a baseline sexuality in the relationship.

I also don't think men and women were meant to spend as much time together, doing the same shit together, as they presently do and it can be stifling. Back when there was a clear cut gender division of labor it was harder to impinge on each other's "turf" and I think that kind of separation and difference makes for a healthier relationship than trying to be two versions of the same all-purpose, domestic+career focused individual.

bluepy67 · 2019-04-24T16:24:17+00:00

I know of a few, which makes me think its quite common as it's the kind of thing you'd only hear about from people you know very, very well. One dead bedroom I know of is a health issue, one is a lack of being able to communicate and the pain that has followed that, and the last is a woman who just said she was done with sex (they are divorced now).

Persaeus · 2019-04-24T18:33:05+00:00

i'm 50 and married

how common is a dead bedroom?

totally dead? less than 10% . i know 3 who claim to have not had sex for years. they're miserable, only staying together for kids or money.

on drip feed? 1-2 a month, over 50%

guys that are otherwise happy in their marriage but feel like they don't get enough . . . the other 40%

only 1/10 claims to have pussy on tap. these men are what you would probably call assholes and cads. in other words, treat em' mean to keep em' keen.

Zippo-Cat · 2019-04-24T15:31:31+00:00

How would they know? You think this sort of thing is common knowledge?

That's like trying to pull statistics out of Facebook.

philomexa · 2019-04-24T16:05:16+00:00

I'm 44 and I would shoot myself right in the head if my friends talked to me about their sex lives like that, and I would never in a million years put my own business out on the street like that. Jesus Christ, people, have some fucking discretion.

Surely if your friends were in an unhappy marriage you would know.

"Surely?"

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Suck-Less · 2019-04-24T17:18:51+00:00

I don’t really know about others, but I’m pretty sure my parents divorced over it and I put up with a DB for 10 years before turning it around (51 now).

A healthy sex life at any age, when married, takes an active effort on both people in that relationship. It happens in non married couples too, it’s just the price of leaving is usually higher in a married relationship.

Edit:

A DB is usually defined as a frequency of sex being much lower than the person with a higher sex drive wants. A DB for one couple could be only once a week, month, six months or even years.

CoolHandLukeSkywalka · 2019-04-24T17:32:12+00:00

Its hard to tell because you don't know everything about everyone but from people that do talk I'd say about 1/3 are dead bedrooms but typically thats the result of both not just one gender

Pastelitomaracucho · 2019-04-24T17:39:23+00:00

In my experience, it's the norm, not the exception.

BilboBagginhole · 2019-04-24T17:56:51+00:00

Over 40 and my marriage definitely had it. I used to be subscribed to r/DeadBedrooms, but now that I am not married its not an issue. Most married guys I know joke about not getting any. I can't confirm if its real or not. A guy I work with used to joke about how his wife's wedding ring must be a switch that makes BJs stop. Another guy I work with is always joking about how his wife lets him have sex with her because he did some deed for her. I've never heard women joke like that, but I guess it does happen the other way.

SeemedGood · 2019-04-24T19:57:14+00:00

Every single married relationship of which I am aware has a “dead” bedroom to some extent unless the men practice MRP philosophical tenets.

My wife often shares stories about women in her peer group consistently complaining about their husbands disdainfully and openly bragging about withholding sex from their husbands and advising each other and their daughters to withhold sex as a means of controlling their partners.

There is, of course a scale for how bad things get and we have both found that outside of the red-pilled relationships the more conservative (and generally Christian) the family, the healthier the husband/wife relationships are, but they’re mostly not relationships that either of us would choose.

framelessglasses · 2019-04-24T19:57:15+00:00

In the active adult retirement community I live in, it would be over 90% dead or dying bedroom. In fairness, many of the men and women let themselves go so bad that this is all very predictable. The healthy ones seem to find each other....

lurkingconfused · 2019-04-24T22:21:39+00:00

Me and 2 of my closest gfs are the only women in my circle still married past 45. The ones that divorced, I don't recall dead bedrooms being the final marriage-ender, though they WERE present in all of them. Cheating and/or overall dissatisfaction after the kiddies left and they were stuck alone in a house together seem to have been the reasons, and dead bedrooms might have just been a symptom of shit that was going south anyway.

None of the 3 of us have dead bedrooms. Shit slows down but if you marry the right person you can avoid a deadbedroom even when your junk stops working properly -ED is a thing, illnesses, genetics, etc. take their toll, and any man who thinks it's a given that they will want/need sex as often as they think they will once they REALLY start aging needs to think again.

That said, one commonality the 3 of us share is looking at marriage as a lifelong commitment and being loyal types in general (probably why we're still close). And having wound up with men who were the same - low n-count "tradcons" pretty much.

NoWineNoSunshine · 2019-04-24T22:46:31+00:00

Late thirties, but I only know of a few that MAY have dead bedrooms. Not expressly stated, and it’s about an even split on who is making it dead between the man and woman. I’ve been married 16 years and still love having sex with my husband. It’s not every day anymore like in the beginning, but it’s still a normal amount. No games or withholding or frigidness. Sex is to be enjoyed, not used as a bargaining chip.

chaoscott01 · 2019-04-24T23:46:45+00:00

Marraige is a trap for men just don't.

poppy_blu · 2019-04-24T23:56:22+00:00

I only know about a handful of straight deadbedrooms where they have had no sex in years and years. For most poeple it's just a mismatch libido or desire. There's a big caveat to this: people lie. If you think people always or even often tell the truth about their sex lives, I have a beach house in Idaho I'll sell you at a great price.

drawinglizards · 2019-04-25T01:03:08+00:00

What does this have to do with this sub?

canadianmastiff · 2019-04-25T05:00:23+00:00

I know from comments that my parents at 70 still find sex and intimacy mutually enjoyable. I found it actually gave me hope.

Orange_Paisley · 2019-04-24T16:39:41+00:00

I don’t know of any, but my circle of friends is polyamorous. If anything they have gotten more so in their 40s now that the collective kids have mostly grown up and have started to move out.

Title	Older married members (40+) - how many dead bedrooms do you see in your social circle?
Author	Truedemocracy4
Upvotes	59
Comments	332
Date	April 24, 2019 2:54 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/bgvkol/older_married_members_40_how_many_dead_bedrooms/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/older-married-members-40-how-many-dead-bedrooms-do.256101 https://theredarchive.com/post/256101