Man wants to refuse treatment because he has a cancer that will mean he has to have his penis amputated and would rather die of the cancer. Guy gets bullied by the internet and now is willing to live as long as his fiancé won't leave him. What does PPD think?

Yesterday I got some pretty shitty news that I have penis cancer (penile carcinoma) after going in for an examination of discoloration/hard lump of skin on my penis last week. I got more tests and my doctor essentially told me that it’s stage 3 bordering on stage 4 and the only solution is total removal of my penis including the internal part of the member (called a radical penectomy- I learned a new word.). I would have to have my urethra rerouted so I peed through an incision in my pereneum. I’d still have my testicles.

After a long talk about emotional support and what life would be like he was trying to schedule surgery and I told him that I had to think about it. He told me it was going to spread and I was going to die and I still told him I had to think about it. I asked if radiation or chemo could work and he said it was too advanced but could buy me a little time. He was trying to explain to me the gravity of the situation and I essentially said“ I get it I’m choosing between having a dick for a short while and dying or living to old age without my dick.” He tried to tell me that by the end my dick would be non functional and may turn into a deformed mass of cancerous tumors and I’d be peeing through a catheter in my abdomen.I know he was just trying to scare me into doing what he considered the right thing but I feel like this is better. My thought process is that while they may awful I wouldn’t have to deal with it very long as opposed to 50ish years without a penis. Before I even left I had my mind made up as I cried in the parking lot.

The hard part and the part where I may be very selfish is I had to break the news to my fiancé (I’d still marry her if that’s what she wants but I doubt it’ll happen now) which I wanted to put off for a couple days to not upset her and also explain myself properly.

I considered lying and saying It was already terminal to spare her and I any conflict in the rest of my time with her but I didn’t want to live that lie when I wanted to spend so much time with her before I go or have her somehow find out later and look back on me differently. I felt I owed her the truth because I do love her very much and was planning on marrying her, so I told her that was going to let myself die instead of living without my penis.

She knew about the tests and stuff but she didn’t know what the possibilities were because even discussing them made me feel uncomfortable and I didn’t want to worry her if it turned out to be nothing. I told her there was something I needed to tell her and that it wasn’t good news. I told her about the cancer and that I was not going to live like that.

She didn’t say anything for a minute. She asked me if my dick meant more than being with her (this was not a passive aggressive or manipulation tactic she was legitimately asking) I told her that I loved her more than my dick but that I couldn’t see her body every day and get these urges I couldn’t at all act on (we have sex almost every night), I couldn’t deal with constant insecurity of not feeling like a real man or that I couldn’t please her and I couldn’t deal with anyone knowing. She said that there was other types of sex besides PIV and that we could make it work. I told her that I would not be the same person if i went through with it and she would feel stuck with me being depressed and angry but because she was the one that convinced me to live and I would likely never be able to find someone again she would stay in an unhappy marriage just so I wasn’t alone. She said that she wouldn’t feel stuck she’d take care of me for as long as I needed it and then we would just be a normal couple.I told her that I wouldn’t be able to function as a human being and she would either never vent to anyone ever about how I’m not the same or completely violate my trust by telling any person what was wrong with me that caused me to act like that. I couldn’t deal with anyone else knowing, I couldn’t deal with being “the guy with no dick”. She said she’d never tell a soul and we could get individual and couples counseling for any psychological issues I would understandably have. I said no and that I would not live my life constantly feeling the loss but I did offer to seek therapy with her as long as it wasn’t about convincing me to change my mind. She said that she knew she couldn’t understand what it’d be like to be a guy without a penis but she felt that life was better than death. I said I wanted my full life and not one with a huge chunk missing. She told me I was stronger than I thought and we would have each other. I asked if she really wanted me to live a life where I’d rather be dead. She said “no, but how do you know you wouldn’t be able to adjust?” I told her that not being able to have real intercourse with her, having her see me deformed and me constantly worrying that she didn’t think of me as a real man or thought less of me, living with the fear that at some point I would piss her off so much she would use it as part of an insult, or that she would miss PIV sex and try to find someone else. To be clear she has never done anything at all to justify these fears, but I can’t deal with the fear of it. I said I would lose all self respect and would never feel like I could stick up for myself because I would feel so far beneath everyone as less of a man and unworthy of women. I can’t deal with the idea that she might tell someone and swear them to secrecy and then I’m talking to this person the whole time they’re thinking about how I don’t have a penis.

She told me she loved me that she would be gentle, kind and understanding, would always be faithful and would never make fun of me and that she planned to spend the rest of her life with me. I told her that I loved her that I hoped she would stay until the end but I would understand if she wanted to leave because I was making a selfish decision. She then went back and forth between being angry and then remembering I have cancer and trying to comfort me. I told her that I was sorry but my decision wouldn’t be changed. I also asked she not tell anyone about this especially my family who she is close with. I know I gave her the news and asked her to carry the burden by herself but I don’t want more people to try to talk me out of it and I don’t want people to know in general.

She cried the rest of the day and kept coming up with hypotheticals like advancements in medical procedures to replace it one day and other ways I could feel “whole”. I told her that I loved her and I didn’t want to hurt her but I also didn’t want to hurt me. She was in our bedroom and I thought I should give her space so I got ready to sleep on the couch but she came and asked me to come to bed. We cuddled and she said we could always have this form of intimacy but I pointed out that my penis against her butt was making me aroused and that I couldn’t deal with never feeling that again. We then just sort of cried for a couple hours. Neither of us slept last night but I still feel the same today. She tried to talk to me more and how she was looking up ways I could still orgasm and testimonials of people who had gone through with it and were happy being alive. I pointed out these were all guys in their 60’s and up and I’m not even 30 yet. We both took the day off but i am treating it like a normal day off instead of whatever she wants me to be doing (either acquiescing or grieving I think) and so when I went to binge watch netflix she said I’m not taking my life seriously. I told her I do take my life seriously but I take the quality of my life just as serious if not more so. I also told her that me not taking almost anything seriously was one of the reasons she fell for me, I thought I was lightening the mood but she just got mad.

She asked what if I get to the point of no return and then regret not having saved my own life. I told her that just because I was choosing to die didn’t mean I wasn’t scared of it and that being overwhelmed I may make wishes about what I could have or should have done but right now while I’m of sound mind this is what I want.

She kept looking at me like she’s going to say something and then didn’t and I tell her that she can voice any feelings she has but instead she just says “I love you” or something when I know that’s not what she’s thinking. I told her I can quit work and we can blow through my savings on some trip or something but she basically said how she’d have responsibilities after I was gone and couldn’t. It’s almost 8 and she hasn’t asked me to come to the bedroom so I think I’m on the couch although she could just expect to go in when I’m ready.

I just feel so torn because I know can’t expect her to be okay with this but I want her to be. I am having the thought that maybe we should end our relationship so she doesn’t have to force herself thought this. I don’t want to go through this alone but I’m not the one who’s going to have to deal with this through old age and she will. I love her and I want whatever is going to be best for her without having to live without my penis. Anything else I would be fine with as long as it was in her best interest.

I know that this situation will traumatize her but I think she’ll move on. I don’t think I could move on and I don’t want to try and feel stuck in a life I don’t want at all.

I just wish I could show her how much I cared without having to live with such a big part of my life missing. I am ready to go down with the ship but I want her to know how special she is and was to me. She is the one, she’s perfect for me and I wish I could stay for her but I know psychologically it will be too damaging and that she will likely suffer with my unhappiness for decades. I can’t stiff upper lip it and live a life entirely for her which is what i’d be doing if I did change my mind. I know that might sound selfish.

I believe she wants me to live because she thinks it’s what’s best for me not because she is being selfish in trying to keep me around. She has not tried to make it “aren’t I worth it?” Sort of guilt trip because she knows that’s not fair. We have always argued well. We haven’t had sex since I told her which is usually daily unless one of us is sick which I guess technically I am. If she decides she can’t handle me choosing to die and leaves she will be the last person I’ve been with no matter what opportunities present themselves.

I want to emotionally support her through this if she chooses to stay but I feel like expecting her to rely on me when I’m the one making a choice that will lead to her suffering is unfair to her. I feel like I’m a lot more calm than she is and I don’t think that’s unreasonable but I want her to be at least somewhat okay with my choice.

I don’t think she’s in the wrong at all, I completely understand her feelings and they are absolutely valid but they don’t change my mind. I feel like even if she wants to leave she will stay until the end even though I stressed she is free to go if she wants to/needs to and that it wouldn’t change how I feel about her at all.

P.s. I know that a majority of men would choose their lives and I don’t judge them for it or think less of them. This is about me and how I would feel about myself.

TLDR: I’m choosing death over a life without my dick and my fiancé is trying to convince me to stay and I want her to be at least more okay with me dying.

I don’t know who to talk to about this so I guess I’m here.

EDIT: I have a lot to think about. I have been defending myself this whole thread and maybe you all are right but it seems a lot of people here who aren’t going through are giving advice on something they will never experience. 4 days ago I would’ve said “oh yeah I’d cut it off” but now I’m actually dealing with it and it’s not that simple. I just want to be the same person I am now and that’s not an option.

For the few responses that said choose life but were actually nice about it instead of insulting me. Thank you. I will really think about it. These responses actually meant just as much to me as the ones that agreed with me.

My fiancé is my world. I’m going to be a completely different person physically and mentally and not knowing if she can deal with that and still having gone through with the loss and she finally chooses herself over me I’m stuck dickless and alone.

I’m going to go talk to her. I don’t know where it will go.

Edit 2: i think I should mention I was bullied a lot as a child and I thought I was over it but this has brought back all those feelings about being an outcast and not part of the group. The comments section did not help those feelings go away. I told her how I fear she’ll change her mind later if I’m too much to handle. I told her I was worried she’d be disgusted by me and that she would never think of me the same. I told her how my own insecurity about it would make me very paranoid about everything and everyone. I told her how I would only ever want her to know and that would make me feel like she would so much power over me. That I would be too much of burden and she’d start to look for someone to vent to or just have an emotional connection with while I fear I won’t be emotionally available and that friendship will blossom into something more and she will leave me. I told I worried that I would never be comfortable with her having male friends because I would feel inferior and that she would think I was controlling. I told her I was afraid that I wouldn’t ever want to go out in public. I told her how afraid I was of being alive and feeling like a completely different person compared to being dead when I wouldn’t have to deal with the loss. I worry I’lI never again feel comfortable in my own skin again and that these changes will drive her away and that if I stayed it would only be for her and that if she left then I’d feel like I did it all for nothing. I cried and she held me. We cuddled and she just told me how much she loved me and that she would do anything to make me happy and give me anything I need. But at the end I told her I would keep my mind open and that I was open to talking about it more. I really don’t want this life but I want her to be happy. I love her more than anything. I am not saying that I’ve changed my mind but i want to make her part of the process.

I’m getting a second opinion tomorrow and talk time tables. I asked her to come with me. We’re looking at finding a therapist.

Edit 2: a lot of commenters seem to not know things have changed.

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/b12ooz/update_trying_to_make_my_m29_fianc%C3%A9_27f_somewhat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app

Edit 3: my latest update https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/b1okuf/updatefinalprobably_trying_to_make_my29m_fianc%C3%A9/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app

Edit 4:I put an update on my profile since I don’t think they want me to post here anymore.