Why do people online flex like they’d immediately dump/next someone for even the smallest transgression, when we know most people aren’t like that irl?

douchebag_throwaway3 · 2019-03-06T22:26:58+00:00

People are always the hero of their own story, so when they place themselves in the shoes of the other guy, they think, "What a chump! I'd never do that!!", even though they totally would do that.

CatchPhraze · 2019-03-07T02:03:51+00:00

Because to them there dumping a fictional stranger, not a real person who they have attachment too.

/r/relationships is full of people who are single telling other people to dump their SO for super trivial shit because they have zero attachment to those people and the simplest answer to how do I handle this problem is to just not.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2019-03-06T22:24:36+00:00

yeh thats funny. i mean i actually have nexted people instantly, but only in the very beginning (like a month)

go live with someone for 8 years and then say youd next them just like that lol

no you wouldnt

meomeowmeoww · 2019-03-06T22:28:04+00:00

Its not really about abundance, its just that being alone would be better than putting up with whatever.

Drippyskippy · 2019-03-07T02:41:19+00:00

Emotional investment in someone reduces your rational reasoning skills. This is why people use the excuse of "because I'm in love" for doing dumb shit.

[deleted] · 2019-03-06T23:15:38+00:00

Selection bias

Especially a place like PPD, you're drawing some people who have experienced outlier-bad kinds of issues in past relationships and/or are in a transition phase in their life and have resolved to ensure they have a say in what happens to them.

You're talking about a wide spectrum of situations it seems (from nexting a recent SO all the way to divorce), but I think the general idea is that subs like this will draw many people who have "had it", so to speak, with putting up with all but the most trivial of nonsenses.

It's true, there's no way to know if the author of a comment will follow through with their stated plan.

Man plans, God laughs, right?

But I think there's something more going on than false bravado...even perhaps something like aspirational thinking. Note also that writing down an opinion/plan/perspective makes it more likely they will follow through on it in the future than if they simply have it floating in their mind.

throwawayhouseissue1 · 2019-03-06T22:42:48+00:00

You mean, just about everything on the internet is fake? What? I thought Susan and Joe were having a perfect life? Look at their facebook? What do you mean they are getting divorced??

Seriously, the world is way more nuanced that what we read here. And there is no way that life is solid blue or solid red pill. I think it is just a way to conceptualize different ideas that are compartmentalized.

equanimous_samsara · 2019-03-06T22:46:00+00:00

Whether it's dysfunctional or not, I think this type of person is way more likely to participate here. It's a result of defining your boundaries and high disagreeableness trait, something you're more likely to find on this sub that encourages people to disagree with each other and define their boundaries.

NOTSM · 2019-03-06T22:37:34+00:00

Because when not taken to an extreme it’s a zero effort way to increase your perceived social value.

So naturally some people take it too far

Pm_me_socks_at_night · 2019-03-06T22:44:22+00:00

Projection

Actuallyconsistent · 2019-03-07T00:03:37+00:00

It's a projection of their own personal morals onto someone else in a relationship they're not in.

In reality, you make at least some compromises in a relationship. Often times you make too many compromises and therefore end up sacrificing your own morals and boundaries.

This makes you project that into your future you will not compromise when in reality you will inevitably make some in a relationship. You have to have a line, and people who aren't in a relationship will usually draw the line well before they would if actually in one.

iceicle999 · 2019-03-07T00:44:01+00:00

The internet is mental masturbation. Some people are aware of it. Others, are not. It is dangerous when entire internet communities circlejerk about what they think about whatever, with no opposing views to challenge them (or people try and risk a ban). I saw this a lot on forums back in the day. Just one example. Often times people use the internet as a vicarious way to picture what they wish their lives were like. How we want to be. It's very common and there's nothing wrong with mental visualization, just so long as you realize that it's still mental masturbation and that the internet still greatly differs from real life knock on wood practicality. In real life you will have to struggle and balance out different factors. You're not dealing with hypothetical fantasies, but reality itself in action and that is something you must struggle with.

Xemnas81 · 2019-03-07T02:02:46+00:00

Pretty much all of RP philosophy is super-compensation for passive co-dependent tendencies

speed3_freak · 2019-03-07T04:29:31+00:00

One of my best friends was talking about thinking divorce only a couple years ago because his marriage wasn't 'great' and that's what he deserved. His wife wasn't participating as much as he wanted in the marriage that he'd built for himself in his imagination. He wasn't unhappy, just not as happy as he should be. Our buddy was full on beta for the woman that was leaving him and my man said he would never put up with that shit. About 6 months ago he found out that his wife had been having an affair. The heartbreak he's suffered over the past 6 months has been agonizing for him, and he has bent over backwards to try and work it out. He says every day that he didn't appreciate how hard it is to let the love of your life slip away, and throwing her out wouldn't be an option. He is fully aware that if he were on the other side he would be giving the same advice as his friends are, but it's just different when it's happening to you.

It's not any different than people who see situations with a shooter and think that if they'd been there they would have taken the guy out. Same as someone saying, 'I'd've made that catch if coach had me in there'.

They are saying those things using logic without the emotional investment, talent, or opportunity. People don't do what they should all the time when emotions come into play. People who always deal in logic without emotion are called sociopaths.

JoltinJoe92 · 2019-03-07T04:42:48+00:00

Internet anonymity breeds a tough no-nonsense persona. Its not in real life where someone can call you out. That check and balance does not exist, so you have people embellish stories or exaggerate their reactions.

GridReXX · 2019-03-07T05:40:48+00:00

If I invested more than a month’s worth of mental energy into you, it’s hard for me to pull the trigger. My mind goes to “what a waste!”

And I don’t like being wasteful. So yeah these ppl who can easily dump ppl. Teach me your ways.

Gravel_Roads · 2019-03-07T12:04:46+00:00

Some people have stricter "deal-breakers" than others. Sometimes it's because they had a bad relationship and never want to experience it again. Sometimes it's because they've never been in a situation where it's come up, but they want to think they'd walk away. Sometimes, they're just introverts and they're so used to "walking away" from social settings that they say they do it because they do it all the time.

Some people probably say it to encourage the person they're responding to to consider it. Because people benefit from encouragement and perspective if they're trying to screw up the courage to break up with someone.

So lots of reasons.

jax006 · 2019-03-06T22:36:40+00:00

No surprise here. Everything on the internet is like this

RoyalAugur92 · 2019-03-06T22:49:18+00:00

That's the wonder of the internet - we're unmoored by social conventions.

TheseNthose · 2019-03-06T23:04:02+00:00

Maybe because they are like that in real life but they know they'd get their ass knocked out.

darudeboysandstorm · 2019-03-06T23:08:59+00:00

E-Peen

whatdidshewrite · 2019-03-06T23:17:19+00:00

cuz we alpha bro

gunbusterxl · 2019-03-06T23:46:00+00:00

People talk big on the internet because there are no consequences. People are generally shitty, but cover it up in real life. You are probably reading posts of what people would do if they could.

caseynotcasey · 2019-03-06T23:51:37+00:00

People say things they don't actually mean all the time.

Bring in a stranger's story and the listener's own projections and that probably ramps up even further.

ThisIsJustATr1bute · 2019-03-07T00:18:27+00:00

Trying to be that strong nudge for a brother.

tickledpic · 2019-03-07T00:20:05+00:00

Because people online don't exist in real world

caffeine_city · 2019-03-07T00:28:02+00:00

when 200 guys are messaging you, it must be a ridiculous ego boost. even something that might last a long time before you really understand what is going on. It could even be 10+ years before someone figures it out. I can understand that. If I experienced it, 5' 3-3/4" girls would be out and 5' 4" girls would be in. Critically acclaimed novelists who wrote "your" instead of "you're" because they were typing too fast and didn't proofread would be out. Only an absolutely insane ego boost can do that to you.

[deleted] · 2019-03-07T02:57:56+00:00

Only women and some incels act like that online. In the former case, it’s because women online have countless options. In the latter case, it’s because insanity.

ilptrandom · 2019-03-07T04:51:12+00:00

> Most people put up with a little nonsense in life.

Yeah. Most people do. They put up with a bit of nonsense and never ask the internet for help.

People generally come to ask internet strangers for advice when the nonsense has become frankly ridiculous, they instinctively know they should leave or at least make themselves able to leave, and they want moral support.

A lot of the time the people asking for advice are young inexperienced people putting up with nonsense that only promises more and more nonsense until it becomes a lifetime full of very burdensome nonsense. I mean seriously, we get 20 year old women asking what they should do when the guy they've been dating for just six weeks throws a big sulky rageful tantrum and commits a minor act of violence when they have their first real argument. We get 22 year old guys tearing their hair out because the girl they've been dating for three months got drunk at a party and gave someone other than him a blowjob. We get people who on their third date already have their date telling them things that indicate their date is trying to accustom them to accepting abuse. We get women whose boyfriend of six months becomes addicted to a hard-to-quit drug and then steals from them to buy it. These people need to be told firmly that one purpose of dating is to reject people whose form of nonsense troubles you greatly so you can devote your energies to finding someone who doesn't come with that particular form of nonsense. They need to be told that three dates does not commit you at all, that six weeks does not justify going on to find out how deep the rage of that dude really is if you don't wanna go there, that cheating on you after three months is not a lapse it is true behavior showing up after the honey period, that drug addiction can cause character and personality change and you're allowed to remove thieving junkies from your life anytime.

A different set of the people asking for advice are people who are putting up with nonsense that is serious, well entrenched, doing massive damage and the person perpetrating it clearly knows the damage that is being done and no longer cares about doing damage and is taking active steps to make sure they can pull that nonsense forever. Those people need to be reminded that if putting up with it forever seems horrifying then that's a horrifyingness they've got to stare at pretty damn closely and make a decision about as a whole of lifetime thing. It isn't just one day at a time. It is do we want this for the rest of our lives compared to the other options we are likely to be able to obtain.

passepar2t · 2019-03-07T06:59:48+00:00

In real life people who hair trigger fire or dump people are seen as dysfunctional.

Joke's on you, I'm dysfunctional as fuaarrrrk

goatismycopilot · 2019-03-07T10:51:24+00:00

I have to put up with bullshit at work because they pay me to. You put up with BS from children because they are children. Other than that I do not like having my time wasted.

madcockatiel · 2019-03-07T16:02:09+00:00

I think it’s mostly a lack of self awareness. We all like to think we’d dump a cheater or turn down a snooty bitch, but once you find yourself in that situation, emotions cloud your rational thinking, and things get more complicated. Fwiw I think men and women fall victim to this thought pattern equally often.

[deleted] · 2019-03-07T22:21:04+00:00

Good call OP, this is definitely one of the most striking things about online discussion re: relationships. "Just leave" is the most common advice of all time, but real life is not that simple.

I have two kids and want to provide them with a certain level of stability. But even before that, my wife's behavior was better, to where at each stage, leaving her would've been somewhat illogical. Her behavior gradually got worse with every level of commitment achieved... human beings are not dumb. In a relationship, the other person kind of knows where your "line" is and stays just within it, to keep you from leaving. So situations in real life are rarely black and white. Humans are always presenting each other with difficult, rather than straightforward, decisions.

If it REALLY WAS ever as simple as "just leave" then the person asking for advice or whatever probably couldve figured that out on their own and wouldnt need to come online for advice. Abuse and cheating are the only "hard next" situations i can think of in a relationship lasting longer than say... 6 months.

The-Wizard-of-Oz- · 2019-03-07T01:37:43+00:00

Perception of wider potential availability. Exaggerated Dread (not in the red pill sense, the normal word)

AstuteBlackMan · 2019-03-07T02:59:31+00:00

Welcome to the 21st century. People lie. Why?

They're afraid to admit their faults/insecurities.

hardlifeman · 2019-03-07T05:38:54+00:00

Women do. Often. And not even necessarily for a transgression, but easily over something small.

PlantainNationalism · 2019-03-07T12:40:17+00:00

Because all betas are alphas on the internet.

Clit-cheese · 2019-03-08T02:41:11+00:00

It's not only in relationships, but also law and crime situations.

Ever noticed how many Redditors are ready to call for the death penalty when something happens, even though they like to perceive themselves as progressive and modern people?? yeah, the hypocrisy.

chaddad9000 · 2019-03-07T00:18:42+00:00

At least as far as TRP is concerned, they have no idea how a healthy relationship works, so "NEXT" is the only tool they have in the box.

AutoModerator · 2019-03-06T22:18:04+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

EarlofSweatpants · 2019-03-06T22:27:54+00:00

Because they want to seem cool. This isn’t that hard to figure out tbh.

[deleted] · 2019-03-07T17:01:04+00:00

Honestly I do it so the person asking for advice can be lonely like I am. I almost always tell them to leave their partner no matter how trivial the issue is lmao fuck them.

czerdec · 2019-03-07T15:55:22+00:00

Why do the majority of men claim to have penises two standard deviations above the average?

GuyWithTheStalker · 2019-03-07T13:40:25+00:00

What's your favorite color?

Sir_Koopaman · 2019-03-07T00:45:00+00:00

Because I don't take shit from women