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Dating after divorce and redefining love

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September 28, 2019
16 upvotes

Long story short, I was married for 9 years and have 2 kids. After last kid, wife turned off the sex and became a nag. I was beta to the max. Discovered TRP, started lifting again 3 years ago, divorced not quite one year ago after just living my life (sex improved but she was just a miserable person to be around). I'm enjoying my new life. And just started getting back out there to meet new people which brings me to my present mindset.

I'm in great shape and have no problems talking with women. But I'm having a hard time with the idea of "love". I don't need a woman in my life but I value companionship. Most recently went on a date with a woman. Solid 6 but very intelligent and kind... Things I value over straight up sexual appearance. About 7 years younger than me and she has no kids.

Lust is lust. Easily defined. What is your perspective on love knowing that a woman will never love you in the way a man wants? Is it just find someone who likes to be around you and will add value to your life? I'm pretty right brained about things and just can't rationalize what love is anymore having left a 13 year relationship with one person. Perspective is appreciated.

Edit: Lots of vomit on my part. I appreciate the dick punch.


Post Information
Title Dating after divorce and redefining love
Author Spock_Vs_Spock
Upvotes 16
Comments 39
Date 28 September 2019 03:23 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/287310
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/dahdea/dating_after_divorce_and_redefining_love/
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Comments

[–]0io-Tsundere22 points23 points  (1 child) | Copy

Whether you're talking about friends or lovers you should fill up your time with people you enjoy being around. If your best friend is a jerk who is always borrowing stuff from you and never returning it and annoying you all the time, it's time to find new best friend. I think you should adopt a similar mindset with women. If there's some girl you like who is always a pleasure to be around, go ahead and see her every day if you want. If she's fun and exciting but flaky and unreliable maybe you only want to hook up with her once a week. It's easy to fall in love or "catch feels" for someone, but you need to recognize that relationships are temporary and be prepared to move on.

[–]Spock_Vs_Spock[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

That is pretty fucking insightful. Thanks my man.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret15 points16 points  (9 children) | Copy

Only betas are hung up on being loved, because of your insecurities, lack of abundance, ego, neediness for validation, and/or covert contracts. This is a reactive mentality, and you are operating in her frame.

An alpha is focused on loving. Operating from his own frame, he loves and gives as he feels like loving and giving from his abundance without keeping score. He isn't concerned about how women love; what matters to him is how he loves. He's not particularly concerned about being exploited, because he gives only what he desires to give from his abundance without covert contracts expecting return, and he always maintains his boundaries. He doesn't particularly fear losing her (abundance), and is too busy living and loving his own way, in his own frame, to navel-gaze about the meaning or nature of the male or female love of others.


Your entire post, question, mindset, and frame reeks of beta. The very premise comes from the matrix you claim to have abandoned; garbage in will always lead to garbage out. You're trapped in your own head trying to navigate the imagined frame of an imagined woman.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (7 children) | Copy

This is what drove me to red pill, "being loved". Its not fucking real. Women only love the feelz you give them. When that stops, you don't matter.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret6 points7 points  (6 children) | Copy

"being loved". Its not fucking real.

This is bullshit. Love is real. It just isn't what you thought it was... or more accurately, what, in your insecurity and weakness, you so desperately wanted it to be that you deluded yourself it was.

Love isn't an unlimited insurance policy against failure as a man. Get over it.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy

That is true. I just don't think I could ever love a woman. My children are the only humans I love at this point in my life. Everyone else is cannon fodder. Wife is alright, it's just not the same. She could go tomorrow the kids are different.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

I just don't think I could ever love a woman. My children are the only humans I love at this point in my life. Everyone else is cannon fodder.

I'm truly sorry for you. I love my wife. I love my children. I love many other people, too, and it makes my life much richer.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

I do love my wife, it just isn't the same or as strong. I love other people too and my sacrificial actions towards them demonstrate it. I just don't have the same connection and I believe that is normal. I made those fuckers with my genes. They are my actual humans that I co-created. They look just like me and act like me, I am deeply connected to them. Saying I love them makes sense.

The wife is very replaceable. Isn't yours?

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Yes, our love for our children is unique.

The wife is very replaceable. Isn't yours?

Not fully, no. She's the only mother of my children. And just as with still-close friends from my "youth", the 30+ years of close relationship, intimate knowledge of each other, and shared history can't be replaced; I don't have that many years left!

Of course, I'm also missing out on new experiences with other women; there are plusses and minuses to everything.

I don't need to discount the unique value-add my wife now brings to my life by virtue of our long, shared history, or to maintain a defensive distance to preserve my own frame. I hope that you'll get there someday yourself.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Me too man. I feel very close to going one way or another. I am having the hardest time with patience. It's something I continue to struggle with. I often see people say that wives are replaceable, like a piece of bad fruit to be discarded for a different more healthy and delicious apple. However you have a very valid point that doesn't seem to be shared here often. The mother of your children holds a special role as the co-creator. I think I needed to read that right now.

[–]Chump_No_More0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You're still in the anger phase. You shouldn't be making any decisions in the anger phase.

[–]Ralberta1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I needed to read this right now. thanks.

[–]weakandsensitive9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is a great question.

Why do I keep my wife around? Because she's constantly adding value to my life. If she wants to be in my life, she has to be making it better.

In return, I guarantee I'll make her life better. My definition of "love" is that I will do what I can to make sure my impact on her life is a net value add and that her life will be tons better for having me in it. I'm not gonna deal with the bullshit, but in the big things in life, she knows she can count on me to make things happen.

It's on her to appreciate the value add though and to not take it for granted. (This is where frame and self-respect matter.)

[–]ChokingDownRPRed Beret7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

This question is only being asked because you view love as validation. Get past that shit. Spend time with women you enjoy spending time with - for conversation, fucking, sucking, being your wing chick so you can lure in other dudes you can fuck... Whatever the reason you enjoy spending time with her. Stop seeking validation and definitely give up on the idea of everlasting fairytale love.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Short answer - you actually have not done the work. The questions evaporate with the work

Asking about the definition of love and how to justify the austerity to which you are experiencing, and how a 6 would add value is your red flag. Uh oh

[–]adeptintact2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Congrats on your divorce and doing what's best for you. I was in a similar situation.

My advice is to be as red pill as possible in your dating and any LTR you will have in the future. Keep your SMV as high as you can. Try to avoid single moms and date girls with no children to avoid that drama. While you may have kids that she will have to deal with, it is perfectly within your right to not date someone with kids. Anyone that you get into an LTR with, must respect your children and be ok with your situation. Ideally, she will grow to love and care for your kids as much as you do.

Women will always love opportunistically, something I've learned with the red pill. Never forget that. It is possible to have an LTR or marriage again to gain that companionship that you speak of, but it has to be in your frame and on your terms. You gave up too much in your life to pay child support and have your freedom, to not have an LTR on your terms.

[–]Spock_Vs_Spock[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Absolutely. I get my post may have came off as vomit... Because I guess it was in some way. From my own frame of reference, I'm 10x more of a man today than I was 3 years ago. It was pretty fucking bad then. I have a long ways to go no doubt but am making more headway with being social and not coming off as some autistic fuck to people in the real world. Random people just asking me if I'm in the army or whatever due to how I carry myself. Slowly getting adjusted to it but I welcome the challenge and change. Thanks for the insight.

[–]Captain_pants42 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I was in the same boat. There is no love...just females that you like, females that you’ll tolerate, and females that you no longer tolerate. All of these females are trying to get something from you, which is fine. When they stop adding value NEXT.

Life after divorce is good.

[–]FereallyRedHard Core Red2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy

Define "love".

[–]Spock_Vs_Spock[S] 2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy

That's what I'm struggling with. I have a different perspective on things now. The old idea of "love" was the betafied idea of being there for your wife and taking care of her and making sure the needs of everyone were met and giving her xyz... You get the idea. I guess the old idea of love was that it was unconditional on both ends. That is bullshit.

I'm just wanting to see how others view "love" through the RP lense.

[–]FereallyRedHard Core Red7 points8 points  (5 children) | Copy

Whatever makes you happy at that particular moment.

I love a good backscratch.

I love when a girl sits between my legs and leans her head back into my chest as we chill naked on the couch.

I love a good donair.

I love rolling a pitbull I just met onto his back and scratching his belly.

I love catching air on my bike.

I love the sticky feel and exotic scent of a big chunk of hash.

I love when my legs are so fucked after leg day that I wonder if I'll be able to walk to the car.

I love hitting on a new girl.

I love just pausing to enjoy the sun on my face.

I love blasting my sperm free load deep into strange pussy doggystyle.

“You see this goblet?” asks Achaan Chaa, the Thai meditation master. “For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.”

The point is to recognize that fleeting moments are what to cherish.

Love existing over time is the fallacy.

What have you done for me lately?

[–]hack3geRed Beret7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

I love just pausing to enjoy the sun on my face

This is funny I thought I was the only one who did this - sometimes I just have to stop and take a minute to take it all in.

I like to take a moment every once in a while to realize how much I love being me.

[–]Spock_Vs_Spock[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Well said. Thank you for your post and perspective.

[–]FereallyRedHard Core Red2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Restaurants, not banks.

Archwinger breaks down the male:female perspective well, as usual.

[–]Imaginary_Historian2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

“You see this goblet?” asks Achaan Chaa, the Thai meditation master. “For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.”

Sad, but so true. I am divorced 3 years but seeing a LTR now and it's been around 4 mo and I kind of already consider us to be broken up.

A week ago I planned an 18-day trip to South America next year by myself, and I didn't even tell her. Why? Because I fully expect we won't make it that long. If we make it that long I am sure I will need to tell her about it, but I doubt I will have to.

[–]WolfofAllStreetz0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This man is a genius.

[–]CasperTFG_8082 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

will add value to your life?

That's about it, why spend time with anyone unless they add value and have value to you.

[–]Rogue684862 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Wtf is a "solid" 6?

[–]hack3geRed Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

In reality she’s a 4

[–]Rogue684861 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

4 bills maybe

[–]losso5191 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Some women can love us the way we want. Cook for us, cater to us, snuggles and all that BP shit. Some will make your fucking lunch with sweet notes just like your momma. We can be romantic and all that BP shit as long as we don't forget RP rules. She is very much yours in that moment. She loves you in that moment. You can love her in that moment. The BP dream, are simply very REAL moments of REAL love from a woman, in your RP, outcome independant, self interest centered, reality. She yours and her love is real unless you fuck it up. Vet. Pick one. Love her like a man not a boy.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

8 months ago you were still married and asking basic as fuck noob questions about how to lead your wife.

Now you're trying to redefine love.

You're still a beta faggot, licking the pill.

[–]primordialawe3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

^ This, OP. You’re still stuck in BP land and have cognitive dissonance. Love can mean whatever you want at any moment after you’ve broken through. It’s just a word. My five year old loves things.

You like the new girl and you want to know if that’s ok to have as a feeling? I guess after being in a relationship with a shitty person the idea of having an intimate feeling toward someone may be foreign. The answer is good for you for liking a chick. If she feels the same way, cool. If not then move on because you’re the prize right?

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

Gay.

You are in great shape? Doubt it.

You have no problem talking to women? On reddit.

You fall in love after one date? So what. So do I. Love is fun.

Love is not loyalty. It is not commitment. I love my bros.

Love is not a requirement. It is a feeling. Comes and goes.

I told fitchick I love her. Who cares. I also loved Mandy. Hell I still love my exwife. She is my baby momma afterall.

Lets get back to you.

You are not in great shape. If you were you would be talking about closing. Not about talking to girls.

Cause your post is all BS.

Three years of lifting? Natty? 2/3/4 club. Easy. Full ROMx5 or STFU.

Faggot.

When is the last time you closed?

Can you match on Monday and close on Friday?

No. You suck.

[–]Spock_Vs_Spock[S] 5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy

Noted. I guess I could have cut out all the bullshit and just said, how do you look at the idea of "love" knowing the nature of women.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red15 points16 points  (1 child) | Copy

Bro.

Feel free to love anyone you want.

Man.

Woman.

Kids.

Binary.

Any other gender you want.

Animals.

Space.

Life.

Death.

Always.

Never.

Conditionally.

Unconditionally.

Its all up to you.

Just never expect a motherfucker to reciprocate.

Life level 501.

[–]hack3geRed Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

This is why everyone is saying you haven’t done shit for work.

It’s just women bro - that’s how they are they are cute, silly, fickle little creatures. You are still overly invested in everything - learn to not give a fuck and life gets way easier.

[–]Spock_Vs_Spock[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah. I guess this post was the dick punch I needed to keep on doing my homework. Faggotry and all included on my part. I appreciate the response

[–]HIJKelemenoP-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

What a tool.



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