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Wife ignoring me after an argument about me being “too easy” on our daughter. Should I just ignore her until she’s done pouting about it? And then ignore her more?

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September 27, 2019
8 upvotes

Long and short of it is this:

My wife is hard on our 3 year old daughter. No “old school” hard....but over the top. Yells at her for spilling milk/juice/etc., screams at her if she tells her to do something more than a few times (when my wife is already upset).

I’m calm. Our daughter is 3. When she makes a mistake, I don’t make her feel bad about herself. If she spills, she spills. Who cares? It’s not like it happens everyday. We then clean it up together (daughter isn’t going to climb into the cabinet and get floor cleaner and rags). My wife? “Oh my God you spilled again? Jesus. Be more careful. How many times can you spill in a week?”

When my daughter accidentally drips into her underwear after potty, i ask her what happened. Then I remind her that she needs to pull her underwear all the way down. Then we get a new pair. My wife? “I thought we were potty trained! What is the problem? If you keep doing this they are going to kick you out of your class since you need to be potty trained.

These are not exaggerations and only a few examples.

So last night my daughter climbed up on the table and started drinking a soda. My wife flipped out at her and goes “for once, can you just discipline this girl instead of telling her everything is okay and that she’s a princess and can’t do no wrong” (I don’t call her a princess. This is my wife being obnoxious). I calmly bent down at my daughter’s level. I said here’s what’s going to happen. That was naughty. Now we are going up to bed early. You don’t get a snack tonight. Say sorry to mommy and we are going to bed.” She says sorry and then I bring her upstairs. My wife’s response when I get back down?

“Well the hero strikes again. Mommy is the asshole who always yells. Daddy is the good guy, how does it feel to always be the good guy?”

I go “well I’ll tel you what, it feels good at 35 to be able to keep my emotions in check and not damage the psyche of a 3 year old who made some mistakes. As opposed to you, who can’t keep her composure.” She didn’t say a thing. She went in the other room, closed the door, and didn’t come to bed last night. She didn’t say a word to me this morning. I said good morning. Nothing. I said a few more things relating to our kids and their days today and she ignored me. Okay.

What is my move here? I feel like if I address this, she wins. She knows she was in the wrong here:

At the same time, she needs to stop yelling at our daughter UNLESS it’s something that is dangerous (I 100 percent back her up when she yells at her for dangerous things).

What should I do?

Thanks.


Post Information
Title Wife ignoring me after an argument about me being “too easy” on our daughter. Should I just ignore her until she’s done pouting about it? And then ignore her more?
Author woodhavenapherical
Upvotes 8
Comments 38
Date 27 September 2019 04:25 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/287424
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/da2suv/wife_ignoring_me_after_an_argument_about_me_being/
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Comments

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret23 points24 points  (5 children) | Copy

Let me get this straight: you have two 3-year old girls in the house, but you're only good at dealing with one of them?

[–]woodhavenapherical[S] 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

Incorrect. I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Since you missed the point, let me rephrase:

Let me get this straight: you have two 3-year olds and a 1-year old, but you're only good at dealing with one of the 3-year olds?

[–]CrazyLemonLover3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

TIFU by marrying a three year old...

Yeah, FBI, OP here.

Anyways, thanks for making my night

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Fuck, hit reply to the wrong post. You totally got the point.

[–]CrazyLemonLover2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Intentionally misinterpreting it made me laugh, that's all.

That and the occasion where someone says what you did, and I wonder if it should be a crime to date women at all, since we would normally consider dating someone who is mentally 3 a huge issue

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red8 points9 points  (4 children) | Copy

I am 40 and sometimes after I pee, and shake I will still get that dreaded drip down my leg.

Glad your wife isn’t there to yell at me.

[–]RPeed3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

Press behind your balls, the "gouch" as I believe it's known. You should get a pretty good extra spurt and be bone dry.

Started doing it about 15 years ago and all this drip humor passed me by.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah. I do that. Gets it all.

Was just making a point to OP.

[–]redwall920 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Press behind your balls, the "gouch" as I believe it's known.

Careful ... you're going to get him hard with talk like that.

[–]light-----------dark1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

lol

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy

The simple truth is that you cannot directly control your wife's parenting style. You can't force her to comply with your preferred approach, and even if you divorce she would get to parent your daughter her way, on her own, at least 50% of the time. And you're one angry lie away from seeing your daughter only occasionally during supervised visits. This is simply a boundary you cannot enforce, so don't try.

You fix this by becoming the admired leader of your family, at which time she will be calmer, happier, and open to your example and influence. STFU, hit the sidebar and gym, and follow the r/marriedredpill program; there is no shortcut.


“Well the hero strikes again. Mommy is the asshole who always yells. Daddy is the good guy, how does it feel to always be the good guy?”

You should have treated this like this shit test that it was, and use any of the techniques recommended here: STFU, AM, A&A, fogging, negative inquiry, broken record ...

I go “well I’ll tell you what, it feels good at 35 to be able to keep my emotions in check and not damage the psyche of a 3 year old who made some mistakes. As opposed to you, who can’t keep her composure.”

What you should not have done is DEER, and then stoop to her 6 year old level by retorting "well you're an even bigger poopy pants. So there!"

Unfortunately, this is what you did.

[–]Iammrp20 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

You fix this by becoming the admired leader of your family, at which time she will be calmer, happier,

The first part of this is right. Second half is a covert contract. He needs to be a leader because that's what his daughter and family needs. Wife could continue to be a harpy bitch or even worse if the contrast makes her look bad. Which is what it sounds like is happening.

His reply could be considered DEERing but I'm not sure it was DEERing per say. He needs to tell her that her behavior is unacceptable. He did this via bing passive aggressive instead of direct. He needs to be more direct. Simply a "your yelling is unacceptable. I expect you to remain calm when you discipline the kids". And then STFU to her reply. Doesn't matter how she responds. He needs to speak his truth and correct her.

/u/woodhavenapherical

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

at which time she will be calmer, happier,

Second half is a covert contract.

Coming from me or anybody other than OP, it's a prediction, not a CC; it's a CC only if OP adopts it as the motive and expectation driving his behavior.

"keep my emotions in check and not damage the psyche of a 3 year old who made some mistakes."

is Explaining and Defending his parenting behavior as response to a shit test.

“well I’ll tell you what, it feels good at 35 to be able to ... As opposed to you, who can’t keep her composure.”

is P/A counter-criticism bullshit.

[–]Iammrp20 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Coming from me or anybody other than OP, it's a prediction, not a CC; it's a CC only if OP adopts it as the motive and expectation driving his behavior.

I agree. So why suggest it? If he thinks to himself "good point" now he has a cc.

"keep my emotions in check and not damage the psyche of a 3 year old who made some mistakes."

I can see why you think it's DEERing. It looks that way when read literally. I take it he was being sarcastic implying she is damaging the psyche of a 3 year old. He was being passive aggressive. He should be direct instead and say "you can't control yourself. You may be damaging the psyche of our daughter and that is unacceptable."

But I'm sure there was a bit of defensiveness in there as well and therefore was DEERing. He was criticizing her as a form of deflection from him.

[–]0io-Tsundere3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

“Well the hero strikes again. Mommy is the asshole who always yells. Daddy is the good guy, how does it feel to always be the good guy?”

You should smile and say something like "The Hero is horny and wants a blowjob now that his daughter has gone to bed for the night." Whatever you do, don't get dragged into some stupid and pointless argument.

[–]ChokingDownRPRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

My go to:. "Alexa: play 'Hero' by Mariah Carey" ... Best part is not having an Alexa device. Slap that ass, smirk and out to the garage to do something more important than bicker with a harpy about her being upset that I'm more fun with my kids than she is.

This technique of basically dismissing her silly bullshit with AA or amused mastery, removing myself (attention) and carrying on being fun has never failed me. In addition, she'll often come find me and after a couple shit or sometimes comfort tests, we'll end up fucking. She usually straightens up whatever behavior was a problem in short order.

[–]0io-Tsundere2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You've got some role reversal stuff going on here, which is not good. You're supposed to be the one who uses STFU and withdraws attention. You got bitchy and your wife STFU and is now ignoring you. You screwed up with "Well, I'll tell you what.... as opposed to you who can't keep her composure."

You need to be a happy guy. Your wife calling you the hero who never yells is not really much of an insult, it's kind of a backhanded compliment. You should have gone into flirty seduction mode, could suggest that the wife needs a spanking, whatever, but the worst thing to do is act offended and like you take her snide remarks seriously. Anyway, you just go about being happy and doing your own thing until the wife is bored of "silent treatment". Be out of the house, lifting, not responding too fast to your phone, letting her take care of the daughter.

[–]part_wolf2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I expect you’ll delete this post like the last one that you put up in /r/parenting

[–]weakandsensitive3 points4 points  (15 children) | Copy

In what world is screaming without any emotional balance acceptable parenting? Sounds like you need to beat your wife's ass with a switch to teach her a lesson first.

The fact your wife thinks reacting emotionally is acceptable is 100% a failure on you. Pull her ass aside and get her calmed down.

I assume you can lift your wife up and carry her ass out. If not, I can see why your wife gets worked up so much. Having a set of balls and a vag must be confusing.

Also, it is total bullshit if your wife is the only one who is disciplining, but that's why she's the leader of the house.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret2 points3 points  (9 children) | Copy

It's also possible that he is greatly exaggerating his wife's emotional outbursts, because he is hypersensitive to, and frightened of, his wife's emotions.

Maybe he needs to "call a mobile mental health crisis line" as one of our panicked n00bs did years ago; his wife seemed to "miraculously recover" once he quit being such a frightened little faggot.

[–]weakandsensitive9 points10 points  (8 children) | Copy

Maybe.. but most of what I've seen from screaming parents is volatile emotions. I feel like any disciplining has to be dispassionate to be meaningful and effective because otherwise it'll be inconsistent. Point being that discipline shouldn't be an emotional outlet, but a teaching tool.

When I hear exasperated parents, they always have a whine in their voice which betrays the underlying emotion (helplessness) driving the "discipline".

[–]primordialawe1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is a great point. I’ve indirectly learned just as much about dealing with my kids in MRP as I have about dealing with my wife. It gives them the power when they know they can push emotional buttons or grind you down.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret-1 points0 points  (6 children) | Copy

Dispassionate, yes. Both the choice of punishment and its execution uninfluenced by the parent's emotion, absolutely yes. Actual punishment must be entirely for the good of the child, not about parents' feelings or frustrations.

But complete lack of emotion while punishing, like a robot cop, or fake emotions like a Nice Parent, also seems vaguely wrong somehow, like one would be failing to convey important feedback, or soul crushing like a wireframe mother. (I'm not implying that you were advocating this.)


We can't know what's really going on in OP's house, and it's unlikely to be ideal. But it's also very doubtful that he's a reliable narrator, either about himself or his wife, as his defensive-aggressive replies to you and others indicate.

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

But complete lack of emotion while punishing, like a robot cop, or fake emotions like a Nice Parent, also seems vaguely wrong somehow

What type of emotions would you think are appropriate though?

I think of anything related to discipline or punishment as strictly authoritarian corrective behavior. Like I wrote elsewhere, my daughter technically misbehaved (according to me), but she was sure of what she was doing, and was completely willing to eat the consequences. At that point, what am I really doing with my discipline?

And I've written before about how I want punishments to feel personal, so that my daughter knows its me who's doing. So it might be dispassionate, but not impersonal. Like -- I'm the one keeping you in time out or I'm the one who's spanking you. And taking the time to be clear about why the punishment is happening.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

One should always punish behavior, and never feelings. We feel what we feel, and it is what it is. Your child should be allowed to be extremely angry with little Johnny, and even to hate little Johnny, without being condemned for those feelings. Some behaviors are allowed in response to those feelings (she can choose not to play with little Johnny), but other behaviors are not allowed (she can't hit him in the head with a hammer, or call him a "poopy fuckwad" in polite company) despite those feelings. If she does, she should be punished for the behavior, not for not liking little Johnny.

This sounds obvious when contextualized clearly, yet the majority of parents I see today try to control their kids' behavior by condemning and emotionally punishing them for "wrong feeling", and don't clearly distinguish punishment as for wrong behavior or wrong feeling. "You're a mean, naughty little boy for not playing nicely with sweet little Johnny. Now go to your room until you are ready to tell little Johnny that you are truly sorry you hurt his feelings, ask him to be your friend again, and give him a hug."

I suspect this is why we get so many newcomers here with absolutely no concept of frame and no idea what they truly want; their parents forced them to dissociate from and repress their true emotions and desires to mimick approved feelings aligning with approved behavior. IMO, this is horribly damaging to kids and the adults they become, even though it is often done by well meaning parents.

With this framing, I can now address your questions.

What type of emotions would you think are appropriate though?

Your authentic emotions, whatever they may be. Since the punishment is based solely on childrens' behavior, and not on their feelings or yours, both you and they are free to feel as you feel. I have punished my children while

  • chuckling at a very clever but cruel prank they instigated, acknowledging that it was funny, but that it was still unacceptable.

  • irritated that they kept breaking the same rule several times in the same day, but without escalating the punishment beyond the level I felt appropriate for the crime.

  • disappointed in their poor judgment.

  • frightened by the danger they put themselves in.

  • angry at the expense of replacing what they broke.

I didn't hide my emotions as I explained the infraction and the punishment, or as I informed them of the potential or actual danger, damage, or cost of their actions to others or themselves... because those emotions are important in conveying the message. But I didn't let my feelings or theirs alter the punishment.

my daughter technically misbehaved (according to me), but she was sure of what she was doing, and was completely willing to eat the consequences. At that point, what am I really doing with my discipline?

What you're doing is teaching her that

  • actions have fairly predictable consequences,

  • if you choose those actions you must accept the consequences,

  • that doing so is a choice you are allowed to make,

  • and that when it's a choice worth making, it's OK to make it,

which is precisely the lesson children need to learn to thrive in an orderly civil society. Keep up the good work, Dad!

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

  • irritated that they kept breaking the same rule several times in the same day, but without escalating the punishment beyond the level I felt appropriate for the crime.

  • disappointed in their poor judgment.

  • frightened by the danger they put themselves in.

  • angry at the expense of replacing what they broke.

This begs the obvious question -- why should your emotions trump theirs? In each of these cases, it's clear that their punishment is in response to your emotional state, not because of anything specifically they did. It's the very essence of solipsism.

irritated that they kept breaking the same rule several times in the same day

Obviously they think your rule is stupid. Or alternatively, why should your rule take precedence over their ignoring of it?

disappointed in their poor judgment.

And yet it was their judgment to make. Why should their judgment be seen as wrong? (Akin to your point about "dissociate from and repress their true emotions and desires to mimic approved feelings aligning with approved behavior. IMO, this is horribly damaging to kids and the adults they become, even though it is often done by well meaning parents.")

When my daughter decides it's a good idea to smoke and drink, I'm not going to say "You can't smoke!" because I'd like to think I've done more stupid shit than she did. And she'll do it anyways because that's how people learn.

frightened by the danger they put themselves in.

And maybe they themselves felt no risk. "Are you sure you want to eat it? It's going to be very hot!" Obviously this has boundaries where legal culpability come into play, but for the most part -- if there's no life threatening risk, who are you to feel for them?

Many of the parents are afraid of their kids climbing because the kids might fall and hurt themselves. I take the opposite approach -- "let me know when you need my help."

angry at the expense of replacing what they broke.

What if they broke something that wasn't expensive? If the price tag is the driver of the punishment, then the punishment is in effect arbitrary. What's the line between an item that's worth being angry over versus one that isn't? And how is the kid supposed to know? Accidents happen - so how are they supposed to know what leads to angry parents vs. non-angry parents if they don't know the monetary value of stuff.


I asked myself this very question about minute differences resulting in acceptable vs. non-acceptable behavior. For example, why is my daughter allowed to throw a ball or snowball, but not a rock? And how do I explain it to her because as far as she knows, throwing something is throwing something. It's not because of throwing, but because of the potential impact of what's thrown. In the example case, it's because rocks are heavier and more likely to hurt someone or break something -- so the answer was "if it's heavy, you're not allowed to throw it."

same question about how to hold a drink. why does she need to use 2 hands but I only need to use one? with the implication of making concrete something that seems arbitrary. my answer to that one was "my hands are twice as big as yours so I can hold things better, so you need to use two hands."

the entire thesis of this being that arbitrary punishment (of which emotional punishment is inherently arbitrary) does not effectively communicate expectations. for her to understand that "this is the clear line which means being punished versus not being punished" -- and it has to be better than "because mommy/daddy is very, very upset right now". because how is a child supposed to know what's going to trigger either parent?

and sometimes it has to be arbitrary, but even that is something i've solidified. when she doesn't get a choice, I tell my daughter "you're not being given a choice right now". she knows she'll be punished if she tests that line, so she just responds "Okay..." and does it. i used that twice today -- once when she didn't want to shower and once when she didn't want to brush her teeth. (she knows both of those are important, she just didn't want to do them).


One should always punish behavior, and never feelings.

This is all just to say, from what I've seen, most parents aren't even punishing behavior. What they're punishing is their own emotional responses to said behavior -- so punishments vary drastically on how emotional a parent is at the moment. E.g. if a parent is stressed, the tolerance is much lower - so punishments are irrational and arbitrary.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

This begs the obvious question -- why should your emotions trump theirs?

They don't. That's precisely my point; they are allowed their emotions, as I am mine. Neither affects the rules nor the punishment in the moment.

In each of these cases, it's clear that their punishment is in response to your emotional state, not because of anything specifically they did.

Absolutely not. These were neither new types of crimes nor of punishments, but ones for which the rules had been clarified, and the punishment prescribed, long before.

First violations of rules not yet known to the kids got a statement of the rule, an explanation of why I felt it was needed, and declaration of the punishment for future violations, not punishment for a rule they were as yet unaware of.

Obviously they think your rule is stupid.

Obviously. Just as I thought some of my parents' rules were stupid, and routinely violated them and accepted the punishments.

In retrospect as an adult and parent, I have come to believe that many of those rules I thought stupid were justified and needed. Others I believe were not needed for me, but my parents could not have known that. And some I still believe were stupid.

Or alternatively, why should your rule take precedence over their ignoring of it?

Because it's my responsibility, desire, and authority to educate and train my kids to survive, thrive, and contribute in society, and to allow their siblings and others to do so as well. I can't abdicate this responsibility to my children. I thought I generally knew better than my children regarding some matters due to greater life experience; society as well as my greater strength and resources both granted and required of me superior authority, so I took it for what I believed to be the greater benefit of my kids... knowing full well that I wouldn't get it 100% right, but believing that I would get up more right than my kids... as did my stupid parents before me.

And yet it was their judgment to make.

Yes, as it was mine to protect their siblings, others, and occasionally themselves from excessive harm that their poor judgment could cause.

Why should their judgment be seen as wrong?

Usually because their gain came at much greater cost to their siblings, or they lacked knowledge of the harm or cost their actions imposed on others or their future selves.

Occasionally they persuaded me that their judgment was more correct, and the rule was changed.

When my daughter decides it's a good idea to smoke and drink, I'm not going to say "You can't smoke!" because I'd like to think I've done more stupid shit than she did. And she'll do it anyways because that's how people learn.

Yep. We imposed as few rules as possible. The vast majority of rules and punishments were to regulate their behavior with others to protect their siblings and other kids, which is something you won't have had to deal with much yet. You should need to punish only rarely.

Parents shouldn't impose rules just to calm their own fears or feelings, or to avoid their own feelings of social embarrassment from their kid's behavior.

Many of the parents are afraid of their kids climbing because the kids might fall and hurt themselves. I take the opposite approach -- "let me know when you need my help."

Yes! I hated this overprotective bullshit, which is rampant today. So long as the risk of permanent injury or death is negligible, have at it; much better to get a broken bone or two and lots of stitches as a child, so as to know your limits as an adult when you don't heal as easily. And what a surprise ... kids figure out pretty quickly how to avoid hurting themselves.

What if they broke something that wasn't expensive? If the price tag is the driver of the punishment, then the punishment is in effect arbitrary.

I thought I had made it clear that the price tag never affected the punishment. Punishments should be set and clarified along with the rules, and kids must be aware of the rule and penalty before punishing. Expensive things were broken and not punished because they were accidents not involving negligence, or because they hadn't been told they weren't allowed to use that expensive thing. Very expensive things were broken, but punished only lightly in strict accordance with the precedent punishment for negligent use of that category of things.

But I might allow some of my anger or dismay to seep through in my voice as I explained how expensive something was and what the cost to me or others would be to replace it, or that it was irreplaceable; how else can they possibly learn to gauge relative value in human terms? (This generally wouldn't be anger or dismay with them, mind you, but with the loss of a precious object, except in the case of knowing negligence on their part.)

the entire thesis of this being that arbitrary punishment (of which emotional punishment is inherently arbitrary) does not effectively communicate expectations.

Yes, of course. Punishment must never be arbitrary, nor driven by emotion. The rules must be stated, and the punishment specified, before they apply. And while for adults "ignorance of the law is no excuse," for children it should be, and in my household it was.

I'm surprised that what I wrote could be interpreted as advocating otherwise ... rereading now ... still not seeing it, although it's very difficult for me to read without presuming my own implicit assumptions, and

from what I've seen, most parents aren't even punishing behavior. What they're punishing is their own emotional responses to said behavior

makes it the default assumption.

Yes, that's my observation as well.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I'm surprised that what I wrote could be interpreted as advocating otherwise ... rereading now ... still not seeing it, although it's very difficult for me to read without presuming my own implicit assumptions

and

Punishment must never be arbitrary, nor driven by emotion

In each example you gave, the first word in each indicates it's an emotionally driven action.

  • irritated
  • disappointed
  • frightened
  • angry

Does it mean that if you didn't feel those emotions, there wouldn't be any punishment?

So that's where my confusion's coming from. You're stating that punishment shouldn't be arbitrary, but you're also stating you're emotive in the punishment. And I think we both agree emotive actions are arbitrary by nature.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Ahhhh... Thank you for clarifying that for me; I just couldn't see it!

The intent was that each of those phrases continued the first half of the sentence, which preceded the bullet list, as in

  • I have punished my children [for the violation of rules, bearing specific punishments, both of which they were well aware, and for which they had been punished before, and for which they received the exact same penalty this time], while [I happened to be] irritated ...

At the time a known rules violation required application of the predetermined punishment, the emotion was a state of being, at least partly influenced by the violation, but not the impetus for punishment.

So that's where my confusion's coming from. You're stating that punishment shouldn't be arbitrary, but you're also stating you're emotive in the punishment. And I think we both agree emotive actions are arbitrary by nature.

Yes, we both agree that emotive actions are likely to be arbitrary. I see four general approaches to this dilemma:

  • All rules and their corresponding punishment are predetermined, and made known to the child, before being applied to future rule violations.

  • The parent must always place himself in a "correct", "consistent", or "neutral" emotional state in the moment before punishing.

  • The parent defers punishment until they're in a "correct", "consistent", or "neutral" emotional state.

  • The parent punishes from their emotions.

We both agree that the fourth option is a disaster. Experts say that punishment should follow immediately to be most effective, and I agree. This makes the third option undesirable. I advocate and followed the first option, which prevents the arbitrary emotions of the moment from making the punishment arbitrary.

If I have read you correctly, I think you're advocating the second option. I am skeptical of this option, for the following reasons.

  • I'm not convinced that anyone can completely alter their emotions at will, including at the subconscious level, and avoid arbitrary punishment.

  • The result is to present an inauthentic emotional facade to the child being punished, which the child will likely see through and come to realize that the punishment is in fact arbitrary.

  • At the same time, this may model inauthentic Nice Guy behavior and faking emotions as proper adult and parenting behavior.

  • The child doesn't get the benefit of knowing and learning from her parent's authentic emotions about the situation and her behavior. (This is the point I so poorly tried to make in my first comment.)

[–]woodhavenapherical[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

My daughter responds to me, not to my wife. When I tell my daughter to do something, she does it. Why? Because I don’t scream at her, put her down, etc.

I discipline my daughter just as much as my wife. Oddly enough, my daughter responds to my disciplining techniques (calm, collected) and not my wife’s.

[–]EasyDaysHardNights1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Because I don’t scream at her, put her down, etc., she's getting the kind of attention she wants from me.

Corrected.

Your daughter is better at training you than your wife is.

[–]woodhavenapherical[S] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

Your kids probably hate you. Or, you don’t have any.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Meow.

You sound like a lil bitch.

Then you wonder why your wife acts like a lil bitch.

You lead, she follows. Make sure you're leading her in the right direction. That starts with you leading yourself in the right direction.

[–]EasyDaysHardNights1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Bingo! Now we're getting somewhere.

It's not about me. Or my kids. Or your wife.

This is about your daughter. And how important she is to you. And that's why your wife is acting up.

I know you love your wife and daughter. Your daughter knows you love her.

Your wife is feeling insecure about your love right now.

She feels like she's second fiddle to the 3 year old and she's working to get the attention you're directing elsewhere. To your daughter.

Pause for a moment. Breathe. Take it in.

[–]primordialawe1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

OP - you need to be grateful as fuck for the other comments here and realize that you have a lot of work to do and it’s not about which “tactic” to use (stfu, withdraw attention). Your wife does sound like a major cunt and she has major issues, no doubt, because who the fuck uses that kind of abusive demeaning language with a 3yo? I would put anyone that spoke to my young kid like that on the short rope for divorce. She’s going to fuck the kid up.

You’re not only allowing it to happen, you’re perpetuating it by letting it get under your skin as much as it does and giving it any weight at all beyond another petulant kid making noise in the house.

Treat your wife like you treat your daughter and shit will change. Would you give your little girl the silent treatment for talking back to you?

EDIT: ALSO - just read you comments on r/parenting... you would give her MORE leeway if she was a SAHM? What the fuck dude? If her main job is raising the kids you would excuse this bullshit? I don’t like to play in hypotheticals, but that mindset is beyond retarded. You’re a moron and you need to get your house in order starting with yourself.

[–]Bedtimeshine0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Shame on you for exposing your daughter to this for even a second. You need to meet with a lawyer, document whatever you gotta document how ever you gotta document it to get custody and show her the door. Now ain’t the time to run game or research how to handle this... it’s to protect your daughter. Stop being a fucking pussy.

[–]wkndatbernardus-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Mothers are typically idiots when it comes to disciplining children, even their own because they are nurturers. They don't have a vision of what type of person they want their child to become. Shit, they don't have vision about anything!

Your wife is acting up because you are putting her in the unnatural position of having to be the disciplinarian. She is not secure in your leadership on this point which is why her shit testing is at an all-time high.

The answer is to this issue is to take a hard look at what you are modeling to your daughter and honestly reflect on whether you are setting an example of the person you would like her to be and holding her to that. If you are, just ignore your wife's harping. If you aren't, get your shit in order and then your wife will calm down and feel more secure... probably.



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