What are your views on treating people with respect but knowing some people take that as an opporunity to try to feel superior or disrespect you, how do you treat people?

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October 18, 2019
94 upvotes

(Copied from redpill)

People don't respect you if you are unnecessarily nice to them. Applicable to both genders; an example.

Before I can give the example I want to share with you guys, I need to give you a little information about my native tongue. I am Indian. Hindi is my native language. There are two ways people address you in Hindi. One is when you are addressing someone who is your equal or younger than you, for example "tum" meaning "you". Whereas when you address someone who is your elder, your teacher or anyone who you would want to address with some respect, you'd not use "tum" here but "aap". Both of these words mean the same thing, that is, "you" but their usage is different. This goes for a lot of stuff. Even verbs. "Tum ye karo" and "Aap ye kariye", both mean "You do this" but you'd say the latter to someone who you want to show a little respect (Which we should to strangers!)

I hope that's clear so let me give my anecdote. I joined the gym roughly 4 months ago. I am 28 and have some fat I need to get rid of. There is a guy there who is not actually a trainer, I guess you could say he's a "busboy" of sorts, rearranging weights, putting them back on the rack, helping someone with his bench press etc, you get the gist. When I joined the gym, as is my nature, I treated him with respect as well. I'd use "aap" instead of "tum" and shook his hands when I met him. Slowly I started to notice that he became *too* friendly with me, like, talking to me as if I am his pupil or something. Doing gym for the first time in my life, I had trouble with the barbell curls and he'd say "Dum lagao..kya khaate ho" (Push it, do it, what do you even eat) and general berating stuff making me feel I am too weak. Point to note here is that he used the "tum" version of words instead of "aap". Whereas others were treating him with a lot of rough words, basically, treating him as a busboy. And guess what? He always addressed them with deference and respect. So I am the one who is being nice to him and he chooses to be nice to those who treat him like his inferior.

So, I changed my behaviour like a switch. Overnight. I started being dry and straightforward, not "deigning" to acknowledge his presence until I needed something like a dumbell. When he'd then stay stuff like "Try harder etc", I would look straight into his eyes but say nothing. Guess what? Now he has stopped addressing me as he did and has become much more soft spoken and does not pass any comments to me about my abilities.

I know it's not a huge eye-opening example of the generalized red pill principles, but for me, it was and, I believe the same principle applies in all the human interactions.

Do nice things for people but don't "be" unnecessarily nice to people. They should feel that they need to earn your respect and it's not something you'd give out to everyone. Only then will people respect you. I wish the dynamics weren't like that but like they say: it really do be like that sometimes.


Post Information
Title What are your views on treating people with respect but knowing some people take that as an opporunity to try to feel superior or disrespect you, how do you treat people?
Author sejlee09
Upvotes 94
Comments 60
Date 18 October 2019 01:45 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/291455
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/djgcxk/what_are_your_views_on_treating_people_with/
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Comments

[–]Endorsed ContributorFereallyRed121 points122 points  (10 children) | Copy

"Do not mistake my kindness for weakness."

Some asshole always does. and you are obligated to crush him.

Benevolence without teeth is viewed as weakness.

[–]JyoungPNG4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Not obligated, permitted. If you do not wish to spend your time doing such a thing then you must not.

[–]tyronethejabrone1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

True.

“Lions don’t give a shit about sheep.”

[–]laserdicks8 points9 points  (5 children) | Copy

Some asshole always does.

true.

you are obligated to crush him.

False.

[–]moltenw1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

You are obligated to crush him in order to not look weak.

You can choose not to crush him, but then you're also choosing to look weak.

[–]laserdicks0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I'm happy to look weak to some people, because in reality I'm succeeding at life and they are irrelevant to me. I do not require them for my edification.

People who are scared of how they look are weak, and people absolutely see that insecurity as weakness

[–]moltenw0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm happy to look weak to some people, because in reality I'm succeeding at life and they are irrelevant to me. I do not require them for my edification.

You are right, but none of this matters. The perception will still be that you are weak.

If you care, then you'll have to act. If you don't (like you are saying), then don't. Depends on the situation, depends on the circumstances etc.

People who are scared of how they look are weak

There is no such thing as "people who do x are y" , no matter how it looks. Sure, most of the time I'd agree with you, but in the real world - everything isn't nicely put together into small little black and white boxes like here on TRP.

That's kinda like saying "people who go to the gym are trying to compensate for something". Not necessarily - some do it for aesthetics, as well as plethora of other reasons. In the same vein, people who care how they are perceived by others doesn't mean that they "care" what others think, it's just basic social calibration.

[–]ToraChan230 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

False.

Why?

[–]laserdicks0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Not every asshole is worth my time. Shits who don't know how to get along even less so.

Why spend effort crushing someone who means nothing to me? Like wack-a-mole

[–]VigilantSmartbomb1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes

[–]Capital_Recognition58 points59 points  (5 children) | Copy

Here is the thing, based on your stature and what you look like, people know whether or not to fuck with you.

I am a big, and pretty angry looking guy. I rarely come in contact with people bigger than me (even if they’re taller, they’re typically not anywhere near as broad).

You guessed it, no one fucks with me. That said, when I show people a slight respect, they typically appreciate it. I don’t just show anyone respect, though. They have to be valuable in some way, or have something about them (not tangibly speaking) that I appreciate or envy. So, no, I don’t just go around showing everyone respect.

On the very rare occasion, if they try to shit on me, I understand it is a shit test and they want to know if I am really bout that... so I let them, and it humors me. And, after they start to do that, I don’t typically get upset or say anything, I just laugh and A&A that shit. However, I also know this person is a clown if they keep it up, and I keep them at arms length and understand that they have self-esteem issues.

Ultimately, I don’t give a fuck if someone else talks shit or tries to disrespect me continuously, they’re just letting me know of all their insecurities and that is all I need to keep them away from me. Once in a while, no problem, I can understand that and appreciate it. Going overboard and consistently attacking me (especially when the attacks are on a personal note) is a whole other ball game and exactly what I mean about someone having deeply rooted insecurities.

[–]MR_SKINNYPENIS6923 points24 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good response.

People who try to shit on you are insecure and weak. The baddest mother fucker MMA fighters are usually really chill nice guys because they have nothing to prove. It's the insecure assholes who talk a lot of shit and try to start something. Treat those guys like a woman you don't like: shrug/laugh it off and hard next.

[–]Oren28 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

But how do you keep yourself composed when people would shit on you continiously?

You said no one fucks with you, why don't you tell a person like that to shut the f up? It doesn't bother you? I know I would be annoyed.

[–]Deathrow222 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, im not big like this guy but i‘m also a pretty angry looking guy when i‘m alone. People don‘t fuck with me and when they do i put them instantly back in their place.

Obviously if my boss in work for example does that i won‘t do that lol but for normal people idgaf if they don‘t like me after that or talk shit about me behind my back.

[–]2stoned0jaguar9tre-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Great advice! /S

[–]IcyBear731 points32 points  (11 children) | Copy

Be realistic. If youre built and tall and can easily take guys down, you can afford to be nicer without running the risk of being disrespected. If youre friends with most people at the party and really well liked, again you can afford to be nicer.

Conversely, if youre skinny short and brown and youre in the middle of america somewhere by your self, you cant afford to be too nice.

Respect comes with realistic, readily viewable understanding of power dynamics

[–]LackToesToddlerAnts8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

People don't seem to understand this. The way you carry yourself, your looks, your height, your leanness, and your style all play a MAJOR factor in how people view you and respect you.

[–]Ohboohoolittlegirl-5 points-4 points  (9 children) | Copy

Giving and receiving respect has nothing to do with posture, size or muscles.

[–]throaway694046 points7 points  (8 children) | Copy

It does.

Would you respect a skinny, small guy more or a well built tall guy?

[–]Ohboohoolittlegirl-1 points0 points  (7 children) | Copy

I respect both. That's the idea.. The idea that physical appearance demands respect is only present amongst the beta's who think this means mental power. Behaviour instils respect. Fear or intimidation does not equal respect.

Let's say it like this: It's not the respect I am looking for. I am physically well developed. 6'3 on 215 lbs, but I would hate it if people would just treat me with respect cause I am taller or stronger. That's just, sad to be fair.

[–]throaway694041 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

Considering what you are saying, your physical physique seems useless.

[–]Thorondor_Rising0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You would do well in the sociological community.

[–]Ohboohoolittlegirl1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Crying? I don't think you understand

[–]throaway69404-1 points0 points  (3 children) | Copy

thats just sad tbf

[–]Ohboohoolittlegirl2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Is that crying? As far as I know that's what we call a personal opinion.

[–]throaway694040 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Was being sarcastic, and as far as I know we call that sarcasm

[–]Ohboohoolittlegirl1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

aaaah, yes. Cause sarcasm is the default tone of voice :)

[–]Ohboohoolittlegirl10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

honestly, I give everyone respect and it happened to me once or twice that someone tried to abuse the respect. Respect doesn't mean blind trust, or that you cannot show there will be repercussions. So it really depends on how you show your respect and how you command respect.

Respect means that everyone gets a listening ear, basic trust and a friendly treatment. it's not endless trust, help and forgiveness.
Respect is not just letting everything happen. It's a basic principle on how you want to treat people.

Do not believe that servitude is part of respect. Nor putting someone above you. Respect only works if you behave as if you are among equals, not as an inferior.

[–]juggernaut86 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

It's all about how you feel on the inside, if you feel like you're not someone that people can fuck with then you will carry yourself in a certain way and have a certain type of attitude.

Size, angry face etc, all that doesn't matter. Even if you were a midget, no sane person would normally want to fuck with a midget that behaves confidently. If you're like this, then occasionally you might meet people that are looking for someone to fight with, but that's a different sort of encounter, they're not looking for someone to bully, it's more like they see you as a threat. If these people come at you, don't react angrily or be afraid just sidestep them, act like nothing happened and walk away, that will almost always work. Of course you need to stay alert of what's happening, if they continue following then you either need to start running to a place with a lot of people or fight. But again that's incredibly rare. You almost won't get into an actual fight unless you feel like a victim or go looking for one.

Similarly how you think about yourself affects how other people treat you. If you see yourself as important and respect yourself then you will behave in such a way that other people won't disrespect you. If people give you shit, you're not going to take it. If you see yourself as important/ capable your default disposition won't be 'nice', that's because niceness is a result of wanting something from other people, for example - i want you to like me, therefore i act nice to you. If you don't need people to like you then there is no need to be nice. Of course most people who live in society are nice to some degree due to conditioning but it's not a good thing. Kindness is good, niceness is not good because it's not genuine. So treat people well because you want to do it, not because they can give you something.

[–]sejlee090 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good Perspective

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (5 children) | Copy

Bullies are losers of the highest order, and they're often intellectually deficient.

I pity the people that see my kindness as weakness.

[–]FanaticMind-2 points-1 points  (4 children) | Copy

Depends, I am a dick to people that i don't respect (Usually due to saying stupid shit), am I a bully for that?

Also bullying as a strategy works to show dominance over an individual and power, would you call someone a loser for sticking to his best strategy? (You are moralising)

Btw, doing that is very situation specific.

[–]bestCallEver2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Also bullying as a strategy works to show dominance over an individual and power, would you call someone a loser for sticking to his best strategy? (You are moralising)

I pity the man for whom reliance on outside validation is his "best strategy" at life.

[–]FanaticMind-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

Did i mention validation?

[–]bestCallEver0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You didn't need to.

Also bullying as a strategy works to show dominance over an individual and power, would you call someone a loser for sticking to his best strategy? (You are moralising)

No one else sees this as power or dominance, all they think is: man that guy must be insecure, better to treat him like a fragile woman or else he might try to "show his dominance" again which is cringey for all involved.

And since everyone else sees it as the sign of mental weakness that it is, the only payoff is the (fraudulent, pety) validation you're feeling.

[–]thrwy754790 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

He's right. Bullying tactics can work in various contexts.

Aggression, verbal put-downs, trash-talk, dominance displays, etc.; just as focusing on yourself, and building your SMV is a way of becoming better than your competition, so too, are these tactics useful for psychologically influencing them to throw them off before you even compete.

One example of this is Schwarzenegger, who discusses how he psyched out Lou Ferrigno before a Mr. Universe competition. He goes on to talk about how he would do this sort of stuff to other competitors as well.

Michael Jordan was infamous as a trash-talker, both on and off the court. It was his way of getting into his opponents' heads. Consider also the various MMA fighters who are constantly putting on dominance displays before fights to mentally weaken their opponents.

If TRP is amoral, then there isn't enough talk about using "dark" tactics to destroy your competition. There is non-stop chatter about how to defend yourself against shit tests, or insults. Why are such topics so commonplace? It's because people have been mentally affected by them, they've been hurt, or they're angry.

It's a fact of life that if you want good things in life, you'll have to fight for them. This means you'll have to be a little bit bad, a little bit clever. You won't be fighting all the time, but when the time comes, hopefully you'll know how.

[–]Senior Endorsed ContributorFieldLine4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

People don't respect you if you are unnecessarily nice to them.

This isn't generally true as long as you aren't a doormat.

I always err on the side of letting people think they are better than me. For example, I'll ask for advice even when I have no intention of following it.

I know I have my shit together. I'd rather someone be in my corner, even if it means they walk around with a sense of superiority in their own mind. Walk around with your big ego and mean mug everyone who looks at you wrong and you know what'll happen? People won't like you.

I cannot say anything with certainty about your story because I don't know you and I don't know the guy who was giving you "trouble". But I do know people in my own life who are uneducated and work menial jobs, so I am inclined to think that what really happened here is you AMOG'd a guy who makes minimum wage cleaning up a commercial gym. You also alienated someone who is probably friends with every serious athlete in the gym.

Maybe I'm wrong. But I disagree with the thesis of this post entirely, so I suspect that I'm not.

they say: it really do be like that sometimes.

Reddit autists are the only ones who say that.

[–]idontmiind2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you're ever gonna be polite, find a way to imply that you could snap their neck any second.

[–]redpillbanana1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I seem to remember some paper on game theory where they had bots with many different strategies competing with each other in some game where cooperation was necessary but you could also cheat as well. The bot with the winning strategy would initially extend trust once and then react based on whether the other bot earned or violated that trust. I'm sure I'm getting some detail wrong but that was the gist of it.

I find this to be a good strategy in general. The initial offer of trust can be seen as an investment to find out whether someone is trustworthy. If they turn out to be not worthy, note that for future interactions.

This is also why I like English - there's none of this forced respect bullshit that most Asian languages seem to have.

[–]Fielder571 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The phrase - 'Speak softly but carry a big stick' applies here. Give everybody respect until they give you a reason not to.

[–]PeteWheeler1011 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I remember an old saying that goes something along the lines of "if a man is able to upset you, they have power over you". When someone, like you referred to, starts to shit test you, I simply distance myself from them. They are showing their true colors and by intentionally trying to belittle someone it tells me they are insecure with themselves.

I wouldn't even acknowledge them and continue focusing on my own improvement. They will most likely realize you're not going out of your way to respect them which will result in them going out of their way to get your attention or earn your respect back. If not, who cares, problem solved. If they do try to buddy buddy with you again just remember, they showed their true colors and don't forget that. Had you not respected yourself and showed that, you bet your ass he would continue to progressively belittle.

I'm not saying walk around like an entitled prick, but once you lose my respect it will often take some time before it returns to the level it once was.

[–]mayoayox1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You learned something important here. This applies less to how you treat women, but dominant men know how to treat other men. And sometimes you have to dominate. Men who don't know their place on the hierarchy come off as complete idiots, and showing them where they are might actually help them a little.

If they're you're brother (I mean this in the friendly way, not the biological way,) then perhaps you confront him first with words. "Hey man. I notice you do this sometimes" ---- I'm a native english speaker, so the formal vs conversational language doesnt happen for me but I would go with formal to start out, just so you dont hurt feelings or come off as an ass. --- "and I think it would be better if you do this because..."

You get the idea. It's important to be honest and sharp with those we love. After all, 'faithful are the wounds of a friend but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.' And so go through that three times and if your friend doesnt change then bust his ass cause he might need it.

But if they arent your friend and they arent anything to you, why bother? You just have to show you're on top and knock them down a rung if they try anything. That's the simplest way to do it.

[–]ThedragonCarnage1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I would like to chime in, as I think my experience is almost identical to yours.

From a middle eastern country, during my military drafting, I used to be extra polite with everyone (as I am generally with people), but it rubbed other people very very wrong. I used to use "please" a lot, and someone literally told me never to tell him please, and not in a friendly let's be equals way, but in a malicious, angry way. As if I disrespected him by saying please.

To people from low socio economic standing, they live a life of necessity. Respect is shown ONLY when necessary, not when you can. Hence, being polite to certain people is basically presenting your ass to them in their minds. It always ALWAYS ends bad.

Respect is earned. Be polite but firm, and if someone is generally from a low socio e economic class, be very weary of appearing too polite. Be polite, but have fangs. The difference in treatment will be like night and day.

[–]MarvelousWhale 1 points [recovered]  (7 children) | Copy

I work in the service industry. Started this new job, on a training shift last week and this chick comes up asks me if I can give her a hand clearing off this massive table. I'm not doing jack shit at the moment so I figure why not. Me, her and the General Manager are clearing off the table and I walk back to the bar with a stack of glasses, turn around to get the rest of the stuff off the table and this bitch is tucked away in the corner texting, thinking I'm gonna go finish clearing her table off.

I went and did something else and that table was left like shit for almost an hour cuz she thought she could weasel me into doing her job. There's a fine line between giving someone a hand and being a doormat.

To skirt this issue next time, I'm going to feign being busy but help others when they're not asking, only to those who help me when I don't ask. For example, today I had quite a bit of unsolicited help from my coworkers they're fuckin rockstars, backed me up the whole night. They've earned my respect because I never had to ask them to help me, they came up after the fact and let me know "hey I took care of such n such for you" so now they are on my nice list. I will reciprocate the favors only to them. Opposite goes for texty bitch.

So I took advantage a few times and helped out when I could with my other nice list fellows, and let them know after the fact as well. We will see how long this relationship lasts. Not sure if my rant helped at all, but it's a window into my world so maybe my shared perspective can color your perspective a little.

Good luck bro

[–]sejlee092 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy

My view is similar. “Bully the bullies, respect the respectable”

[–]MarvelousWhale0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

I'm glad you read my post in time, I deleted it because I decided after I finished reading your post it wasn't as relevant as I thought it may have been.

[–]sejlee091 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

You know reading your reply though, I think there’s a perspective you would find very interesting by Jocko Willink, retired Navy Seals. He actually says to take ownership of people who doesnt want to work and do their work, and he has some great insights on Extreme Ownership if you’re interested.

[–]MarvelousWhale0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Name sounds familiar but I haven't heard of any of his talks, was he on JRE?

[–]sejlee091 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Yup and he also has his own podcast on situations like the one you described.

[–]MarvelousWhale0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Very cool, do you happen to have a link to the discussion he had you are referring to?

[–]sejlee091 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you look up “jocko podcast - bad coworkers” on youtube, it should give you some videos. forgot which one exactly

[–]BurnoTaurus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Respect is earned. I dont fucking know you. I cant know if I can trust you.

We live in a society that preaches blind acceptance without thought. everyone is equal, thats it, period. When you abide by this creed, Im meant to give the same respect to the homosexual music teacher that tried to groom me in high school, as I am to the hardass english teacher that taught me Shakespeare

[–]ToraChan230 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Only give respect to people who earn it.

[–]Elephant_7770 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If I give you my wallet and say take 50 pounds. And you take 50 pounds. That's me being nice. But If I say take and you take 100, and I let you...that's weakness.

Kindness without a limiter is weakness.

[–]y_u_doin0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Bohot badhiya bhai . Thanks for sharing

[–]Chadthundercock531-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

I can ignore people who try to talk shit about me. The problem is a lot of time they goes physical

Example,

Stoping me, blocking my way, follow me when i try to leave after they shit talk to me

Steping on my shoes on purpose etc

After going to the gym for about a year i finally have some muscle definition. But lack of experience and martial arts skill

Should i punch somebody face?

I plan to end the fight as soon as possible. With fast and destructive attack at vital point

[–]Sove1311 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Honestly I'd give a try to sign up for some martial arts lessons, or even going to gym boxing cardio or getting some punching bag. From your comment it's hard to say how much martial experience you have, but the way how you hit and shift your weight does greatly affect the result.

Usually the fights don't end with fast and destructive attack on the vital point, as the other guy isn't stupid and don't want to get his ass beaten as well.

[–]SaskueRess-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Take revenge later in a mannered way

[–]Yavuzest-5 points-4 points  (2 children) | Copy

none of this is important just lift

[–]sejlee093 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

You do you. Go ahead and ignore this post and keep on lifting.



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