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Is my marriage salvageable?

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October 22, 2019
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Post Information
Title Is my marriage salvageable?
Author OptimusRP
Upvotes 14
Comments 85
Date 22 October 2019 08:21 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/292759
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/dlnt7e/is_my_marriage_salvageable/
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[–]SepeanRed Beret 32 points33 points  (5 children) | Copy

I wrote a post on this some time ago that I'll just copy-paste in https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/37l2q0/when_to_next_your_wife/

Time changes everything

I've been at that place where my wife had hurt me so bad so many times I thought she'd killed all feeling for her and I just wanted to hurt her back. I could not imagine it ever working again.

But the fact is that just months later we were having lots of great sex, we were happy, and all that was under the bridge. My wife is still capable of being the meanest bitch on Earth, but she's not that way towards me anymore.

All of us has had something bad happen to us and at the time it seemed we would never get over it, but then we did. This could well happen with your wife once she stops being a rejecting bitch. You will not despise your wife forever.

*

Except the things that don't change

The red pill is mainly going to change one thing in your wife: her desire for you.

I have a heuristic I use to find out what people are capable of when they're properly motivated. I look at them at their best. Most people can be shitty friends or shitty workers when they don't care, but look at how they do when their heart is in it. If your wife is and always was a lazy, fat slob that never got along with anyone and couldn't hold a job, you have no chance of turning her into a good wife. Such people just don't have it in them to work up the effort to fight for even their important relationships. But if she is popular among her friends, she can become good company. If she works hard at her job or to take care of the kids, she can work hard for you.

So look at her when she's at her best. Even if you alpha up to the max, you're not going to get better than that. Some women just don't have the energy, self discipline, or agreeableness it takes to become enjoyable company.

*

The grass is greener on the other side

Unless your wife is fucking your brains out, this is a fucking fantasy. Assuming you didn't marry someone that actually is worthless, the problem is you, not her. How your wife treats you is an accurate reflection of your level of alphaness. If you read all the red pill stories about how people are spinning plates and think your life as a single man will be like that, the truth is that you have some work to do.

*

Dread games

Some dread games are always a good idea, but if you're thinking about leaving your wife, they're essential. This guide by /u/BluepillProfessor has a great take on the approach. Read it.

The thing about running dread is that not only does it make your wife realize your value - it also lets you know how well you're really doing and what your alternatives are. It is pointless to leave your wife to spin plates and then finding out that you suck at flirting, don't like it, or have lower SMV than you thought. Dread games lets you gauge your actual progress and gets you out of the idea that your wife is the source of all problems. If you can't pick up women, the problem is you.

When you can pick up other women, you're doing great. You're alpha. You're ready to decide if your future is staying married or nexting her.

*

Next her right

If you are going to next her, don't do it in the heat of the moment. Prepare. Talk to a lawyer, hide finances, get proof you need to not get fucked over in the custody battle. The consequences are going to stay with you for years - enduring marriage for a few more weeks is going to be worth it.

*

TL;DR

  1. Patience. Calm down. Realize that your wife will change and with that your feelings towards her.
  2. Look at your wife at her best, when she is working for something important for her. If she sucks at that, she's a lost cause; next her. Otherwise, the problem is you, not her.
  3. Improve yourself, lift and lead.
  4. Play dread games. When you can flirt successfully with other women, your wife is going to be wet for you too; this is the time you want to decide if you want a divorce, not before.
  5. If you still want to next her, see a lawyer and prepare properly.

[–]yes_kid 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is a good post!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Look at your wife at her best, when she is working for something important for her. If she sucks at that, she's a lost cause; next her. Otherwise, the problem is you, not her.

I never saved the post you wrote, but this has been going through my mind with my current shit. This is the key point that is necessary for everyone here to internalize. If she’s phenomenal when she’s working at something but you perceive her as cunty or shitty - ten times out of ten it’s YOU. Figure out where you’re fucking up and work on improving it.

When my wife is at her best it’s amazing and that’s the metric I judge her on.

The key to everything is this: it’s all your fault and you can only fix you.

[–]lololasaurus 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Look at your wife at her best, when she is working for something important for her. If she sucks at that, she's a lost cause; next her. Otherwise, the problem is you, not her.

The entire post was excellent, but this point is uplifting for me.

[–]i-am-the-prize 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

solid

[–]BanginAway 19 points20 points  (1 child) | Copy

There is no unique situation or question in this post. Do the work. Find out if she’ll follow.

[–]EasyDaysHardNights 11 points12 points  (3 children) | Copy

The stay plan, is the go plan.

[–]Two_kids_in_a_coat 9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

“My situation is different”

  • has the exact same situation as 80% of guys here.

There is a reason we say the stay plan is the same as the go plan. Do the work. Up the dread. She fight follow you, she might not.

[–]Balls_Wellington_ 8 points9 points  (8 children) | Copy

I am not attracted to her. I can't stand the sight of her or the sound of her voice.

The fuck are you hoping to salvage? No amount of unfucking yourself can change who she is if she isn't interested in changing.

[–]SepeanRed Beret 3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy

Women aren't inherently interested in changing. They're not the ones who fix a marriage.

They're also not inherently opposed to changing. They'll change when they have a reason to. Like their husband alphaing up and playing dread games, or post divorce to hook a new guy.

[–]Balls_Wellington_ 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

They'll change some behaviors or attitudes, but you aren't going to get a complete reversal of who they are.

If he's to the point that he hates everything about her down to her annoying voice, even if he gets her to work out and shower it probably won't make him like her. Why not just move on?

[–]SepeanRed Beret 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Maybe he should move on, but doing so because she's "not interested in changing" when he's still the same lazy beta he's always been, that's the wrong reason for doing so.

Se my other post in this thread.

[–]Balls_Wellington_ 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

That's a good point. Maybe the question I should've asked is "will OP ever be able to like her again?"

[–]i-am-the-prize 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

"will OP ever be able to like her again?"

who cares. his need for change and improvement is about him, not her.

if he becomes his best-self and she's still a bitch/cold/fat/lazy/repulsive, he's ready for what's next.

plus gaming and shittest practice in an LTR is good practice, this bitch knows him, knows how to hurt him, has seen 18 years of Beta from him. If he can pull it off with her (even if she doesn't change enough for him to get interested in her) he can do it anywhere/anytime.

[–]RoccoPinkman 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think it’s called the ick

[–]helaughsinhidden 13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy

Is my marriage salvageable?

No. It died a long time ago. You are living with a woman you have kids with. She is a roommate, the mother to your kids, someone you split bills with, and maybe a friend, but this is not a marriage and she is not a wife. I see a lot of you blaming her for all this stuff and so I give you zero percent chance this will end well. On top of that you are comparing her to women that haven't had to live with you and get to know you, so this won't end well.

What I don't see that bothers me is you actually owning your shit here. If you want to have a marriage with the woman you live with and have children, then you need to see yourself as the bad guy who has fucked this up in the first place. Why is your wife OK being overweight? You probably are. Why does she not hang out with friends? You probably sabotage her plans. Why is she not interested in sex? You probably suck at it. Why is she ok with you leaving and won't fight you? You probably aren't worth fighting for. MRP isn't a bag of tricks to magically transform your wife a horny slut, it's the plan to make you into the kind of man any woman would be a horny slut with and that activates her existing female nature.

Unless you point your disdain for her at yourself and see your own growth as the only real answer, then not only is this marriage already dead, so are all your future long term relationships.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

We aren't here to answer your questions about chances your wife will stop being a fucking cow and be interested in your beta ass that allowed all of this happen.

What I can say? You've got a whole lot of unfuckery to do. Especially surrounding your validation through women. If you had put half the effort required to fuck other women actually into yourself, you'd likely never be here.

Until you'll accept that you're the one who has ruined this woman and relationship most likely, you will be here a few months from now saying: I've gone Rambo and I am losing my kids. What do I do?

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando 5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy

I just want to some objective feedback about my chances. Thanks.

That depends upon:

- how fat your ass is

- how much of a Beta you are

- how retarded you are

- how badly you lead your family

- how big a hole you've dug for yourself

- how much effort you are willing to put in

- how much sacrifice you are willing to put in

- how much pain you are willing to go through both mentally & physically.

See how none of this has anything to do with your wife or your marriage? Yet, at the same time, they are the only things that can answer your questions.

Nobody here can objectively tell you what your chances are. You've done zero work. Even this post is lazy. You've left out all the vitals and are looking for a quick answer.

There is no quick answer.

There is no easy solution.

You're at the bottom of the fucked-up retarded life scale.

The only real question is - what are you going to do about it.?

[–]JimReddzz 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is top notch. Using this as a gauge for myself too.

[–]Redpillbrigade17 4 points5 points  (8 children) | Copy

Why do you want to save something that sounds quite awful? Raise your standards, man.

[–]Red-Curious 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

You've already gotten a lot of good advice here:

  • Stay plan is the go plan

  • Recognizing incongruency in your statements

  • OYS

You get the idea. Here's why none of that is going to work for you, though: you're still so stinkin' blue pilled that your goal is to save your marriage, or in the alternative: to find happiness in life through another woman instead. This goes beyond the advice to avoid validation-seeking. This is at the very core of who you are as a man.

What's your purpose in life? What's your mission? If you have nothing to live for outside the home, then the home becomes your mission. If the home is your mission - the thing you're pursuing in life - then nobody in the home can follow you because you're chasing after them all the time. You end up looking like a dog spinning in circles trying to catch its own tail.

I'm also confused about the whole "We are only together because of our kids and religious beliefs." You claim 'religious belief' as a reason you can't get a divorce, yet wouldn't those same 'religious beliefs' also preclude cheating on your spouse, which you clearly did - and with even noting: "I didn't feel guilty." I'm not moralizing here, but just showing some serious cognitive dissonance in your own head that you've got to work through. In my view, this is really the most screwed up part about your story - not that you cheated, but that you hamster your way through idiotic rationalizations like this that are totally inconsistent with your own behaviors. Either you're going to follow your spiritual beliefs or you're going to abandon them. Choose. But don't be a luke warm kind of guy. If you choose the former, /r/RPChristians might be able to help you get your head back on straight with all this, without losing your faith in the process.

[–]nordicpolarbear 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Sounds like you have a good situation but you’re not attracted to your wife. I mean are you willing to blow up your marriage and family to get some young attractive woman? Sounds like you’re basing your purpose and getting validation from a woman. You should not do that. You should be getting all that internally. I’m just a novice like you but make your world how YOU want it. Wife will follow. She is not attractive and hitting the gym. My guess is her leader is not either. How much do you weigh? If you’re overweight she will be too. Why isn’t counseling going good? Love languages? Marriage is work man

[–]ibelieveican1982 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

There is nothing unique about you or your story. You need to do the work. Read the books. Lift weights. Go through the sidebar. And STFU while you are doing all this. Your wife owes you nothing.

You say you cannot divorce because religion but then talk about your affairs. Where is the congruence in your actions? You do you but be congruent.

You sound like a man who gets all his validation from women. A real nice guy. Nice guys tend to do that.

If you want your wife to improve, you need to improve. You never mention your lifts, height on weight. You do lift right? I am guessing not.

Fixing the marriage or your woman is a stupid and shitty goal. Fix yourself first. You can only control yourself and your actions.

I found this place a year back. I thought I could get away without lifting weights because hey that was not me. I do not do that. I finally got rid of my ego and my fears and did it anyway. Around 8 months in, my wife also begins hitting the gym regularly. AFTER she asked, I showed her some lifts and did a basic program for her and she built on that and is doing it regularly now.

She used to hate it or at best tolerate it when my validation seeking needy ass would try to hug or kiss her. Now she likes it. Remember - the issues are with you. MRP fixes the man not the marriage or the woman.

I still have a lot of work to do around my frame - all aspects - and my internal game. My validation issues around sex - always a work in progress - though much better than where I started.

You have to lead captain.. are you doing it? Lead and maybe she will follow. If she does not, then what you have to do will be clear. There is no free lunch here. You have to work through the steps just like anyone else. You are not a unique snowflake and neither is your wife.

12 steps of dread : Begin the work Faggot -

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/2l7pqe/the_12_levels_of_dread_the_rules_for_any_long/

Or you can go back to your blue pill life and keep getting your validation on the side from strange. Your call.

[–]Popeman79 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

The only chance of her changing is trough a divorce. Do it now, while she hasn't caught on your cheating yet. You can still have an amicable divorce.

Once everything is in order, start enjoying life. Fuck hotties. Your wife will realize what she's missing out on, she'll get thin and sexy again, and you take her back. Or she won't, and you continue fucking hotties with your assets safe in the bank.

[–]hack3geRed Beret 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

It’s funny I could tell you were a fat lazy faggot from the title of your post - didn’t even need to click it.

Why don’t you try shutting the fuck up, reading the sidebar and lifting so you aren’t such a giant frameless pussy.

Maybe in 6-9 months you will actually be a man worth more than a piece of shit and can decide what you want in life and what you will tolerate from your fat ass wife.

[–]becoming_alpha 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

it will take approximately 18 months to unfuck my marriage

This is a fundamental misunderstanding of how the process works. There's no such thing as unfucking your marriage. You unfuck yourself, not your marriage. First, you become the best version of yourself, you lead your family, and then as a rule of thumb you should expect it to take at least that long before who you are now has a chance of outweighing the 18 years you were a beta chump.

So, for the next 18 months focus on improving yourself, and don't worry about her or how she's responding. Also, 6'3" 220 doesn't mean much. That could mean you're built like DK Metcalf, or have a dad bod with a keg. What's your max on your big lifts? What's your body fat %?

To directly answer your question of if your marriage is salvageable, u/helaughsinhidden was exactly on point, if you keep up with blaming her for everything, your marriage is doomed and so is every future relationship you have. Or, can you start to see her attitude and treatment of you as a reflection of your poor leadership?

The more important question is are you salvageable? Are you going to put in the work to be a man worth desiring? You said you're willing to put in the work. Shut up and do it.

[–]lololasaurus 2 points3 points  (16 children) | Copy

As I write this I can't claim I've built the wife I want; I have really just begun to learn that if I do certain things and form my masculine vessel despite her vehement claims that she won't, she will often conform the shape of her femininity to the boundaries of my masculine vessel.

But I'm still just a guy trying things and learning what works, and it's been a couple years. In many ways I think I have no business answering questions like yours. My marriage may yet get nuked.

What I DO know, though, is that if I'd nuked this a couple years ago I would have no practice at all doing this with a woman who doesn't respect me, which is what I'd have ended up with even if I'd left her, because the problem was not a woman not respecting me, but rather that I wasn't (and frequently still struggle with) being respectable.

Are you actually respectable?

Are you fat?

Are you owning your stuff?

Are you leading or bossing?

Are you expecting her to respond to you like a man and then being mad when she's not feminine?

Do you have boundaries that are enforceable and are you enforcing them?

You say you've had a bunch of affairs, I think that's wrong personally but when I say this I'm actually not moralizing; have you owned that congruently with her or hidden it like a porn habit that even you know is DLV? There are guys here that are open about it and while I don't think that's a good path myself, at least they are honest about it. Obviously you do you.

I think you've probably built an unattractive woman by being unattractive.

You could possibly build an attractive woman by fixing yourself, but there are no guarantees there. What I can almost guarantee is that if you don't fix yourself, you'll probably just keep building unattractive women, because they aren't the problem. You are.

What do you think you should do?

[–]vabab8 1 point2 points  (13 children) | Copy

You are too new to MRP to implement anything. Remember the 1000 ft tow rope. You need to work on yourself and not worry about her. Is she doesn't get (especially after introducing dread) then you need to "next" her. Also watch these videos by the bluepillprofessor to help understand women and how they think.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL1lJ9Z9nTem5Sj-5RROEKgBX-w1WR4Bam

[–]vabab8 1 point2 points  (11 children) | Copy

You can fix this if you fully swallow the Redpill and do what the r/marriedredpill sidebar and what the bluepillprofessor shows you. If you want my story (for proof this sh*t works) DM me and I will send you

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

Is your story a secret?

[–]vabab8 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

Nope just long

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

If it's a good success story and you know how to integrate the lessons learned, consider writing it up and sharing.

[–]vabab8 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

Dont know, if you DM me I will send and you can give feedback.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

Or you can post it and if it sucks we'll take it down. Grow a pair.

[–]vabab8 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Touche

[–]Over60_FireTempered3Red Beret 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Don't be a faggot. Post the story.

[–]vabab8 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Going to tonight after I get off work but thanks for the encouragement:)

[–]killerdolphin313 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You’ve got a great chance to be with women or a woman that you enjoy. If that is or if not your current wife, you cannot control.

[–]Rifleshoot 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Post your stats. That will clear up the issue a lot more, I suspect.

[–]fannyfire 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You don’t need our permission to work on your marriage for the next 18 months. If you don’t want to be with your wife don’t be with her. However, shacking up with someone else is a recipe for this same situation happening again. Your wife is the way she is because you let her become that way. You’ve got to own your shit.

[–]ChokingDownRPRed Beret 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You really only have one path forward. Do the work, improve yourself, lift, read, do fun shit, meet people and send your time with them instead of moping around the house, angry at your wife.

You'll reach a point where it's decision time, stay or go... But you're not a man who can or should make that decision yet. Don't approach it with any level of concern for saving your marriage. The goal is to live the life you want to live... Maybe that includes her, maybe it doesn't. Assume for now that it doesn't include her and lazer focus on your kids and being awesome in every way.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Read the Professor's book for saving a low sex marriage if you want to save it.

But here's some food for thought as you start your journey. Let's look at these statements:

She has a good job, is a good mom, and has always been faithful to me.

and

She is disrespectful, lazy, and overweight. She has no friends, no hobbies, and no interest in sex. Refuses to keep house, diet, exercise, or dress sexy. Refuses to shower before sex or get waxed.

Do these seem like congruent statements? She refuses to carry her load, yet is a good mom? She is always faithful to you, yet actively resists an intimate sexual relationship with you? She doesn't have to fuck around to be unfaithful. By not taking care of the household she's setting a bad example for the kids. So look at these two statements again.

Can you save this? Sure. Should you? She's been telling you for years to kill the puppy. She even gave you verbal direct communication. Women almost exclusively communicate emotion, yet she chose to deliver information; "I won't fight if you leave again". So ask yourself, "if I put all the work into this and 2 years from now I get a once a week handy" will it have been a good effort spent?

Only you can answer that.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

Work on improving yourself while you have a one sided open relationship till kids are grown then divorce.

[–]Red-Curious 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

If he's a reasonably higher earner (i.e. more than 20% higher income than her), right now he's looking at 6-7 years of support. If he waits too much longer, that's going to turn into lifetime support. It also means another several years of accumulating retirement benefits, interest in the market, asset value appreciation, etc. that's all going to be split rather than nipping that in the bud now.

That decision's got to be made quicker if he wants to limit his damages. Of course, doing another separation, but legalizing it this time would offer some protection.

[–]JoeBuckYourslf 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

First post. I have read the side bar and decided it's time to own my shit and make a plan. Ordered five of the side bar books from Amazon this morning.

I recognize it is preferred that noobs STFU, read, and lift for a few months before posting, but my situation is dire and I need immediate guidance from the community.

So you're just starting?

[–]Red-Curious 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Right ... so he read the books before he ordered them?

[–]nantucketghost 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You've already moved on. There is nothing to save here.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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