I remember the day like it was yesterday. Filled with idealism, I had clasped my dad's hand and confidently stated that I'd be there for him no matter what. "I'll never give up on you, dad!" He flashed a sad smile, but his eyes were bright.
Fast forward a year later. My dad is completely bed bound. Tube feed, breathing machine, dialysis, we live in a trailer in the armpit of town, we're running out of money, and he's having diarrhea. I am holding the diaper in my gloved, shit stained, hands.
I slumped to the ground, defeated, i muttered through tears: "I'm sorry dad, i just cant do this anymore! I just cant! I'm too weak! This isnt going to work! Youre not getting better!" And on and on and on...
He quietly looked on and said "just let me go son, you've done enough. More than enough. You have nothing to prove. Live your life."
It was at this time I remembered the redpill. The single most important lesson ive learned here is that "I cant!" really just means "I won't."
It wasn't that i couldn't do it, it was that i didn't want to do it.
My life flashed before my eyes. A life of chasing women. A life of seeking their validation. A life of my mother calling me an idiot. A life of hedonism and nihilism. A life where i wouldve sold my own father up the river just to be with a girl. A life where I've abandoned friends in their time of need, just for a chance to be with the newest oneitis in my life.
This is the man that my dad will leave behind. The sum total of his memories will be of having a miserable, pathetic wretch of a son who was so desperate for the validation of a women that he destroyed his own life to get just a taste. A son who wouldve crawled on broken glass just for a chance at one of these girls. And he couldnt even lift a finger for the only person that was there for him, the only person that was there when everyone else gave up, the only person that loved him unconditionally: his father. The last thing my dad will see is his son sobbing like a child in the corner at the age of 28, covered in sweat and feces.
All the sayings my dad had said over the years, that didn't register at the time, finally came crashing back into my mind.
"Anger is the poison you drink to kill your enemies, son."
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, son."
"Anger isn't evil, son. Even God got angry. It is only when you lose control that you will drown in it."
"Anger is a tool. A resource to be utilized. Right now, you're like an out of control fire, burning everything you touch and yourself. All i want you to do is learn to channel it. I want you to go from a fire to a laser. If you must break, break into a weapon, not into pieces. Don't become a slave to your anger. Become the master of it. Your anger isn't evil. It's not your enemy. It's a tool. Its letting you know that something in your life is wrong and needs correction. Anger and the pain that comes with it are your best friends, they're the only thing that will be honest with you."
Then, the inner voice we all possess within ourselves asked me this:
Are you ok with this!?
are you happy with this!?
aren't you a man!?
what happened to all that big talk from before!?
are you really going to leave things like this!?
did you forget your promise!?
the promise you made to yourself!?
the promise that you'd stand and fight!?
the promise to destroy your weakness!?
this is your chance!
prove to everyone that they were wrong about you!
but most importantly, prove yourself wrong. Get the fuck up and prove YOURSELF WRONG!
i could feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins. Despair turned into anger. A righteous fury. For the first time in my life, anger became a friend rather than an enemy. For the first time, i wasn't burning myself up in a fiery rage.
I grit my teeth, clenched my fists and stood up with my back straight and my head held high.
"Youre wrong, dad! Im not done. Im not even close to done. This is nothing to me. Im just getting started. Dont count me out. I'm a man, damnit. Im going to show you that, you fucking idiot! Im not going to have your last memories of me be the pathetic display you just witnessed. Now just you watch! Im going to show the world it was wrong to count me out! I'm going to show everyone that they dont get the privilege of defining who i am or dictating when im at my limit!"**
"only i define myself. Only i decide when im done. Only i get to say when ive reached my limit."
Then I dried my tears and got my ass back to work.
Whenever you tell yourself you cannot do something, all it really means is that you wont. Just like when you say "things should be" when what you really mean is "i want things to be this way."
Life isn't fair. But it is fair in its unfairness. Thus life is fair in its unfairness.
If life isnt fair for you, dont sit around and cry. make it fair, damnit.
You cannot save anyone if you cannot save yourself first.
You want to be a hero? Become your own hero. Become your own best friend. Look out for future you. Confide in yourself. Love yourself. Trust yourself. Be happy with yourself. You have everything you need to succeed within yourself. Mother nature gives all of her children the tools they need to secure their own existence in this cruel world. Show yourself that you were wrong. Show yourself that the old you is dead and gone. Be brave and conquer your fear. Dont become a slave to your anger. Use it! Do not waste it! Make all the pain and suffering you've gone through mean something! Make all the sacrifices you've made stand for something! Dont leave this world with a legacy of your weakness.
Don't give the world the satisfaction.
be better than you were yesterday.
if you have to eat shit anyway, make it stand for something.
get angry and burn the weakness out of your soul.
be like fire: keep yourself warm, be responsible for yourself, and clear the ground of the rubbish in your life to make room for bigger and better things. And when challenged, don't be afraid to burn the whole world to the ground to get where you need to go. Make it so that your friends cherish you and your enemies fear, but either way they all respect you.