- Age 41, Height 6'3", Weight 220 lbs, BF 24% (Navy)
- Wife 41, Married 18 years, Together 22, Kids 12 and 9.
- LP 295x5, BP 195x5, BOR 135x5, OHP 105x5
- Reading NMMNG
- 3 weeks in RP Journey (Dread Level 1)
Let me begin by saying that THIS IS ALL MY FAULT. I have been a shitty Captain and I make no excuses. I own that.
My wife and I dated all throughout college, got engaged our senior year, and married a year after graduation. We are both Type A, intelligent, outgoing, driven, successful, and very strong willed-individuals. We are also both incredibly stubborn. She was never submissive, even at the beginning of our relationship. When she was growing up she wanted to be President of the United States. In high school she was the Student Body President. I was Captain of the football team in high school and in college. We were the quintessential "power couple".
The first 5 years of our marriage were good, but not great. We lived in a shitty apartment for three years to save money for a down payment on a house. The guy next to us was a drug dealer and there was a murder at a bar about a block away from our building. We both worked very long hours and had little time for fun.
I eventually got a job with one of the "three letter agencies" and was away at training for several months. After training we relocated and bought our first home. Everything was picture perfect. I was in my mid-twenties and in the best shape of my life. That's when the depression hit. Mental illness runs in my family and the stress of my new high-pressure position eventually broke me. I became suicidal and was in and out of the hospital. I was on every kind of antidepressant imaginable. I was a shell of my former self.
My wife stood by me through all of this. I eventually recovered and took a less stressful position within the agency. I excelled and was promoted several times. About 5 years ago, I was ordered to do something I believed was unethical. When I refused, I was demoted, harassed, and eventually shown the door. This triggered a relapse of my depression. For the second time in 10 years, my wife had to step up as Captain. She took care of me, our two young kids, and what was left of our dwindling finances.
We eventually sold our home and moved in with my parents for several months. We cashed out our retirement to pay for my medical bills. I eventually recovered and found a job across the country.
Within a year we were back on our feet, but that's when our marriage problems began. I was back to my old self, full of confidence and optimism about the future. My wife, on the other hand, seemed distant and disconnected. She became extremely critical and judgemental, constantly bitching and nagging me about anything and everything.
Like a good little Blue Pill, I thought I could make her happy by doing what she wanted me to do, like helping her with the chores and spending more time with her and the kids. I did all of these things and more, but she always seem to find something else about me that she didn't like.
We went through 4 marriage counselors in 3 years with little progress to show for it. I believe seeing me in my depressed state not once but twice, has caused her to lose all confidence and respect for me. I was living in a dead bedroom. Instead of owning my shit, I lashed out and started messing around behind her back. I foolishly thought I could survive my shitty marriage by seeking validation from other women.
I soon realized this only made things worse and stopped screwing around. I decided I was going to either fix my marriage or get a divorce. That's when I found MRP and learned that if I wanted to fix my marriage, I had to fix myself.
My wife is overweight and very insecure about her body. Before finding MRP, I went Rambo and said I wasn't attracted to her and that she needed to lose about 30 lbs. Naturally, this did not go over well. In the last 3 weeks since finding MRP, I haven't said anything about her weight, diet, or lack of exercise. I've been entirely focused on myself.
I purchased all the books listed in the sidebar. I joined a gym and started doing Strong Lifts. I found a barber and got a nice haircut. I've been reading about Frame, Dread, DEER, the 1,000 tow rope, etc. I've written in the MRP OYS Thread every week (although I just got two weeks for a "Rule 9 violation"). I even took my wife on a date last weekend and planned another one for tomorrow night.
She has responded to all of this with a barrage of shit/comfort tests. She has called me "selfish" and keeps asking if I think she's attractive. She has been going through my phone and asking bout text messages with female friends. Last night we were laying in bed and she said, "You know what? You aren't going to break me."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I feel like you are trying to get me to submit to you."
"I haven't asked you to do a single thing for me in the last three weeks."
"That's true," she said. "Maybe you are doing it subconsciously. Maybe you don't even know you are doing it."
Of course I knew that what she was feeling was dread, but I didn't say anything about it.
She continued, "Anyway, I just want you to know that's never going to happen. And I'll tell you something else. I'm an attractive woman and I get a lot of attention."
"Are you trying to make me jealous?" I asked.
"No," she said, "I just want you to know that other men find me attractive and give me attention. I'm not saying I am going to cheat on you, but I could if I wanted to."
To me, this crossed a huge fucking line. But I kept my cool.
"Hey, do whatever you want," I said.
This apparently was her breaking point. She jumped out of bed, turned on the light and screamed, "That's it, I am done with you! I am done! You are the most emotionally unavailable man I have ever known! I don't want to be with you anymore! I believe I would be happier without you!"
"OK," I said.
"I'm getting an attorney! I want this house and primary custody of the kids!"
"We can discuss that," I said calmly.
She grabbed her pillows and stormed out of the room. I layed there for a good 30 minutes to see if she was coming back but she didn't, so I fell asleep. At some point in the middle of the night she came back.
I got up for work and left without saying good bye. Once I got to work I texted her that I was cancelling our date for obvious reasons and would be spending time with my son. She wrote back, "Good for you." A couple hours later she wrote, "So is that it? You're totally fine with everything I said last night?"
I said, "I'm not, but you should do what you want to do."
So that's where I'm at. I really don't think she wants a divorce. This is probably just the mother of all shit tests, but any insight or direction you guys have at this stage would be appreciated.
UPDATE: The date is back on and my MRP ban was reduced to 5 days. (Thanks u/weakandsensitive) I appreciate all of your comments and will see you next week in OYS.