RPers who have been on the brink, what stopped you from committing suicide?

DerpJungler · 2019-11-15T22:34:59+00:00

I've had a tough childhood life and by the time I got out of the army (mandatory in my country), all my friends left to study abroad and I stayed back home, alone, being a complete beta and a reject. Depression fucked me over. I hated my parents, the people around me.

I would smoke pot and drink on a daily basis. Even went on a xanax spree for a few months. I was actually studying for my University and had good grades but hated every minute of my life.

One day I took my car and climbed a huge cliff. I even wrote a letter to my mother and left it on my pillow. I was ready to end it all. I had the plan and everything. I would be crying for 3 straight hours leading to that moment.

The only thing I had going for me, along with my university, was the gym. As I was ready to fall down (not jking), I kept thinking "Fuck, I just need one reason to not do it".

After contemplating for like 10-20 minutes, I envisioned a life I would actually be happy with. I thought about getting jacked, rich and not be dependent on anyone. I kept dreaming and somehow I found some motivation to go on another day. Another gym session. Then another gym session. Another pump. Another pair of 5lb plates on my bench. Another rep. Another set.

Eventually, I sucked it all up, lifted harder, studied harder. I went into monk mode for the following 2 years and I got accepted at a UK university, for a Master's program. I moved to UK all alone and discovered TRP during my first month. Eventually, I lost my virginity, fucked a shit ton, met a few great people, got my degree and now I work full time for a good paying job and still lifting 5-6 days/wk. I keep having this dream of being jacked, rich and happy by the time I'm 30. I also want to donate to charities and be an important and respected man.

This is probably the first time I'm sharing this and it still hurts when I think about it, but I feel strong and stoicism has pulled me out.

Try to envision the life that will make you happy and work for it every day without thinking how much bullshit you've been through and how much bullshit you will keep going through.

We, men, are all alone in this world. The lonelier we are, the stronger we get.

Depression is real and yourself is your strongest ally. However, if you feel really weak, try and seek help.

I hope you pull through my guy.

thrwy75479 · 2019-11-15T21:44:09+00:00

Please do not commit suicide. Here is a list of crisis lines around the world:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

There are people that want to help. If you are feeling overwhelmed, please consult a professional.

Also, Maarten van Doorn talks about ambition, and apathy in an interesting article. I liked the last few sentences:

In life, ‘losing’ doesn’t mean ‘being defeated’. The surest way to lose is to refuse to play.

While playing this game, we need to strike a delicate balance. Self-respect demands that we make a dedicated effort. Self-worth demands that we feel we are enough regardless of its outcome.

Being ambitious and content at the same time is the great challenge of life.

Taking control of your life, and settings goals will reduce apathy, and raise ambition. Actions can affect your emotions, and alleviate feelings of depression.

EDIT: Added article link.

Don_Draper27 · 2019-11-15T22:09:08+00:00

I've never ever felt suicidal or felt like doing self harm but I went through a rough period in my life 2 years ago where I was very depressed. I was working at a good company and making pretty alright money. I was happy there until my departments manager moved on to a different company and we got someone new. This new person was and still is the most toxic person I have ever met. Constantly abusing her power over everyone, gaslighting, talking down on everyone, etc. I put up with it for 2 months until I was so overwhelmed that I resigned (this person got fired a month later).

Anyways, a huge weight was lifted off my chest. I felt a million times better knowing I'd never have to be around this person again. I made the mistake of telling myself that I would give myself a week before I started working. I should've started applying everywhere immediately but at the time I was overwhelmed with stress that having a few days off seemed like heaven.

Like expected, I slacked off and went down hill really fast. I started vaping e-cigs and watching porn. I was jacking off 3-5 times a day. I was playing video games all day and I'd binge watch Netflix all night. Every time I had an urge to update my resume and apply to jobs I'd push it to the next day and repeated the process. I was showering once a week and would only really eat 1 fast food meal a day. The nicotine and lack of any exercise ruined my appetite. This went on for 2 months.

A few months prior to this I met this couple through a close buddy of mine who displayed very high value. They're both really attractive and are admired by everyone around them. Before I quit my job I knew that they had just bought a 3 bedroom house in the next state over and I also considered moving over as well. When I quit, I immediately gave them a call and explained my situation. I said that I wanted to try and find a job out there and if they'd rent me a room. They loved the idea and that was my goal.

What finally motivated me to update my resume and start applying was this couple. They're so caring. They'd often follow up with me and ask if I've had any interviews. I felt fucked up that they were actually excited to have me as a roommate and I wasn't even doing anything to move towards it. Forcing myself through severe brain fog and bad body odor, I took action and spent hours every day applying to places. I had to travel a few hours every week for interviews.

I finally got hired, said bye to mom, filled my 2 door car with all my belongings, and kept moving towards this mission. Living with this couple was amazing. HUGE social boost for me just being around them. I'd bring girls over and they'd see my female roommate and they'd admire her or get jealous. It was the most fucked up 2 months of my life but what occurred after will always be a special memory.

nixon993 · 2019-11-16T00:09:40+00:00

I am at that stage right now.You cant really understand it if you dont experience it.I am not depressed all the time but when it hits me it hits BIG TIME.You just dont want to exist anymore,you dont have power to do anything,everything is pointless.Some people need medications for depression because nothing else help,you cant just say to yourself hey you have to be tough stop being pussy.Its very dark place.I hope that somewhere in future i will be able to reflect on myself and say who is this guy i dont recognize him.Of course if i make it to the future.

fannyfire · 2019-11-16T00:16:57+00:00

Part of it is getting out of the situation to begin with.

You want to harm yourself or commit suicide because the current situation is too much to handle. It’s an easy way out but you have options. When I was younger I coped by reading things I liked, video games, then learning music and eventually I got good friends in my life. If you have the opportunity to seek therapy don’t be afraid. The way you feel right now may be strong but this emotion you feel inside is temporary. Our emotions are able to be regulated and you can work your way out of this place but you’ve got to want it. Believe that you deserve it and work for it.

jusyjus · 2019-11-16T00:35:12+00:00

Dude, I know it's hard but you're having one In a trillion chance to experience consciousness. I've been through dark times and you know what helped me? Loving myself and accomplishing goals JUST FOR ME and nobody else, knowing that I can.

And you know what else really helped me? Taking testosterone and raising my levels to the upper limit of natural testosterone levels (1100ng/dL).

Find your purpose, try a lot of shit until you make it happen. You got only one life and many people had it MUCH worse than you and lived it to the fullest and came back out stronger than ever.

Good luck

EpixJacob312 · 2019-11-16T02:09:37+00:00

The only thing that held me back was that I’d seen the consequences of suicide. I knew the effect it had on those left behind. And I knew that if I made the choice to quit while knowing the consequences, I’d be acting selfishly. I do not imply victims of suicide are selfish. I decided that if I wasn’t going to live for myself, I would live for those who loved me.

Things are better now. Sometimes on the drive home from the gym the sun sets beautifully behind me. The breeze is cool, and I’m grateful that I stuck it out. Because things did get so much better. Life is suffering. The suffering never goes away. In my opinion, the only freedom in life is in choosing what to suffer for.

But your situation can get better, provided you suffer for the right things. Lift. Practice your social skills. Improve yourself. I understand these things are hard; I know. But do them, and you’ll find yourself in a far better place in the future. And you’ll be ever so grateful that you stuck it out.

vullnet123 · 2019-11-15T22:56:15+00:00

I was Suicidal last year, had around 2-3 bottles of pills my mouth ready to do it until something clicked and I didn't want suicide anymore. Took some more time and life changes to become happy but looking back at that person is like looking at whole other dude. If you want more advice pm bro

Rapp5601 · 2019-11-16T01:30:16+00:00

For me personally I've always looked at what people would say the reason why I killed myself. "He was abused" "racism" "wasn't loved enough" But to be honest if I killed myself I know the reason would be that I wouldn't be man enough to deal with all the shit life throws you. I could never end it knowing with that reasoning and knowing that people have died fighting for others and themselves.

sniper1905 · 2019-11-16T01:08:27+00:00

I was honestly thinking about making this post earlier this week. I was in a terrible position in life man. Fucking relapsed my depression while I was going hot.

bckshtdblaught · 2019-11-16T02:29:09+00:00

Committing suicide doesn't mean things aren't at their worst. But it guarantees that things will never get better.

Hang in there , man.

acp_rdit · 2019-11-16T05:48:25+00:00

Recognize "depression" isn't a tumor that is growing in your body, it is a description of a set of behaviors. Once you stop engaging in those behaviors you are no longer depressed.

Don't make big changes or set huge goals (or really don't set any goals).

Decide the ways in which you want to be a better person. Make the smallest change you can think of that will move you in that direction. Keep it up consistently and increase your "workload" on a regular basis. If it becomes too much and you are having trouble keeping it up then you back off, that isn't failure, it is working within your limitations.

Be patient with yourself and give yourself time to adapt to "being better".

CasualPlay3r · 2019-11-16T07:40:31+00:00

From a pragmatic point of view, the karmic consequences of it. I would have been long time gone if it wasnt for buddhism. Basically you will face the same situation and same problem but in a worser state, which sucks.

Just assess your problems realistically, chances are you re not so fucked as your mind makes it to appear... good luck

leftajar · 2019-11-16T09:02:00+00:00

There were a number of times I thought about it.

Even now, I can feel it. The enticement, the pull towards the void. A part of the soul is always hungering to return to the collective.

But you can't, you see, because it harms the people who love you most. More than anything, suicide is a sin against your loved ones, which worsens the karma for your next life. (Sorry if the religious language turns you off; it's the best way I've found to make sense of everything.)

There's a reason suicide is a sin in the Bible; it's you refusing the call to fulfill your life's purpose. You have a responsibility, to yourself, to your kin, and to whatever higher force you believe in, to make the best use of the gifts you've been given. That's the pact between you and whatever created you. You get the gift of life (and it IS a gift!), and what is demanded in return, is that you commit yourself to doing the most Good you can.

Because, there IS a "best use of you." Something that combines your talents, inclinations, and proclivities. On some technical level, it's just a maximizing function -- maximize what you're good at, ignore the stuff you're bad at, and figure out how to wield that power in service of yourself and others. Myers-Briggs and the book StrengthsFinder 2.0 are potent tools for learning one's strengths.

That, my friend, is Life's Journey. If you play the game well, the reward is unimaginable levels of fulfillment and gratitude.

I wish I could say such noble considerations were what stopped me. Ultimately, it was just thinking about my mom. I love her, and I couldn't do that to her. These are just reflections after a decade or so of hardcore meditation and spirituality.

If you need something to elevate you, temporarily, try this or this.

onepill_twopill · 2019-11-16T00:47:06+00:00

Life is suffering. Hell is more suffering. You might not believe in hell but you might not want to risk it.

indianajonesindiana · 2019-11-15T23:29:18+00:00

For me it was getting the very last minute before I actually did it and realizing I didn't want to go through with it. I'll never forget that feeling. Life is too precious.

meller91 · 2019-11-16T02:35:46+00:00

As much as I couldn't bare living, I couldn't bare the thought of abandoning what I could become even more.

IXseed · 2019-11-16T05:14:54+00:00

I realized I was doing it all solely based on this one girls validation of myself. I made the typical tirade on my social media and of course my friends stepped in to talk me outta it. My dad damn near broke down my door to talk to me outta it from the first signs.

Afterwards I just sat with myself and was like "She ain't shit." Really. Whatever your reason is can either be fixed by you or you're projecting it on a person who HONESTLY ain't shit. The girl that won't give you play, your parents, your social circle, in the grand scheme of things don't really matter too much. So why would you end it all simply on how someone views you or how your situation seems dire but others WORSE than you have picked themselves up an prospered?

I hope it helps. Going to that place sucks ass. Granted it's how I got here. It's why you're here. You've chose instead of succumbing to the sickness, you'd fight it instead.. And that is the first step.

Godspeed.

Altin_Beg · 2019-11-16T05:32:08+00:00

I envisioned more for myself, a future where I do what I want and get what I want, I want to change the world for the better, get rich, get big, aka be successful in every possible way. This kept me going, and I’m well on my way there.

Nergaal · 2019-11-16T06:40:13+00:00

First, google and watch Jordan Peterson, he has pretty decent advice for depressed blackpillers. Secondly, read about Boderline Personality Disorder. Thirdly, find something "stupid" that you actually believe is worth trudging through the pain of life. For me, it was something like "hmmm, it would be really cool to see an actual human land on Mars, and I think it has a good chance of happening in my lifetime. Until then, I guess I have to find something to occupy my time with while I "daydream" about that scenario." Fourth, as Peterson will suggest, look for a vision of your future self, for which, you are more willing to put up with he present pain.

futterwackenformed · 2019-11-16T06:48:17+00:00

I was so scared that my attempt would fail and I would end up in a comma or something . So I didn't.

WolfofAllStreetz · 2019-11-16T01:47:56+00:00

My Father in Law killed himself. It destroyed his entire family.

I don’t suggest this route.

SalesAficionado · 2019-11-16T02:17:04+00:00

I like to suffer. That’s what life is about. Suffering and pain with sunbeam of pleasure.

Casd12 · 2019-11-16T06:40:48+00:00

Life is a blank canvas. There's nothing inherently there, it doesn't show a story, it's nothing, just white. It's up to you to write your own story. The more twists and turns there are, the interesting the canvas gets. The character arc, how complex your character is, the key events that happen in your life, the hardships you faced and persevered; all of which won't be there if you just killed yourself.

Watching another person draw their canvas is interesting especially if they went through hell to get where they are. There's a reason why we like the movie 300, ww2 movies. We love the character arc, the way the main protagonist battles against insurmountable odds just to win. But when it's our lives, we want things to be easy, but interesting character arcs are never easy. I want my character arc to be interesting and that's why Ill never kms.

jeunpeun99 · 2019-11-16T06:42:14+00:00

School/college can make you depressed. Talking to people about your problems set them free (even speaking them out loud helps).

Having no desires, no nothing give you the most chillest feeling in the world. You are perfect, you don't need those clothes to be that one guy, you don't need that degree to be adoloscence, fuck, you don't even need to be adoloscence, be a child if you want to. You don't need to spin plates, you don't need to have money to burn, you don't need a house before turning 30 or 40.

All desires leads to more desires and dissatisfaction. Start from the beginning, and just be, just observe. If a needful thought pops up (like something you think you need or want), speak to yourself that it cannot, in any way makes you more complete (than you already are), and really believe it. You will be at rest. Your perception will shift for the better.

We all love you man! #nohomo

redtropic · 2019-11-16T06:54:25+00:00

This quote/mindset helps:

“A long historical view not only helps us to keep calm in a “time of trouble” but reminds us that there is an end to the longest tunnel. Even if we can see no good hope ahead, an historical interest as to what will happen is a help in carrying on. For a thinking man, it can be the strongest check on a suicidal feeling.”

From book Why Don’t We Learn From History

new__vision · 2019-11-16T07:10:06+00:00

Realizing that depression wasn't part of my identity, is was a disease that had gotten hold of me. The thoughts I was having weren't my own, they were the disease tricking me into thinking I was worthless and the world was grim. I overrode the negative thought loops by forcing myself to have a healthy inner dialogue. Just forcing positive thoughts on loop to drown out the false beliefs that depression brings.

It took a long time and a lot of effort to rewire my brain. Years later I can't relate to my past depressed self at all.

Also, if I had read "Feeling Good" by David Burns I would have gone through this process much earlier.

allsam18 · 2019-11-16T09:14:46+00:00

You never know what will happen... I was scammed by 50k+... Then i found a monaco forex millionaire group and a I am on my way to be financially free ))

offroadrunner · 2019-11-16T16:22:31+00:00

[deleted]

DubbleFUPAwitCheez · 2019-11-15T21:42:31+00:00

I think being suicidal is childish thinking. The edge I almost fell over was becoming homicidal. Suicide is entirely antithetical to TRP ways of thinking so if you're here you should be on the right path. If you care so little for the world then why not use that indifference to go and do whatever you want? What's the worst that can happen? You die?

"But some things are worse than death!" That's some horror movie/dramatic bull shit. Do you imagine you got trapped in some psychotic amateur surgeons basement or something? Or if you say living on the streets being excessively uncomfortable is worse, then you should just own up to the fact that you are a pussy and that's why your life sucks in the first place, you're soft. It simply makes no sense. Use your lack of love for life to fuck it like the unloved whore it is. Then maybe it ends up that you fuck it till you love it.

vennnot · 2019-11-16T06:43:12+00:00

I was sitting on a branch, leaning against a tree in the forest. The rope tied around my neck and to the sturdiest part of the branch near the trunk. The jump was about five meters down so it should have snapped my neck easily after jumping or asphyxiated me after some minutes of pain. I sat on that branch for a couple of hours, pondering if it was really the right thing to do. To jump or not to jump. That was the question.

I was sad, angry, disappointed... mostly at myself. I had been given all the opportunities to thrive in life and I had squandered them. I couldn't bring myself to make the changes to live a better, a happier life. I had no self-control, I didn't want to live in a world where I had no control, it was just too much suffering. I had become a burden to the people closes to me. I was funking out of Uni. I was drinking one liter of Vodka per day and just sleeping on the floor. Crying. Some days not eating some days eating all together too much. I was living a life that wasn't for me.

It eventually dawned on me that I wasn't just a passive actor in my life. I had dreams and aspirations. I had goals. I just had no idea how to get there and so I had let most of my life be decided by the currents of fate. Then, I remembered how much power one person has. How influential you can be; not just to other people but also to the world. You can change the world at your feet because you have the power to change anything. That's what I thought of the time. I thought of each person who has changed or done many great things through time and I told myself I would be just as great.

Change didn't come from one day to the next though. That was only two years ago and I am still struggling with many things. But guess what? I'm holding on. Because I have the power to move nations, to achieve everything I desire and so do you. I got a job, I've lost 40 pounds, I learned German and I'm applying for unis, I got a girlfriend to help me overcome my ED, I stopped drinking and doing drugs all together. Am I where I want to be? No. I'll never be there because that shit is constantly moving but I look behind and see how far along I've come.

At the moment it seemed that there was just no other way. No escape. One solution. Looking back, I understand myself but I laugh a little bit because I didn't see the bigger picture. I still don't; but what I see is bigger than before. I am still by no means enjoying myself, I struggle with depression on the daily and with fear of failure every day but I force myself to keep on going. Because I'm not going down without a fight, no matter how tired I am. Don't give up my dude. You are a god. You just need to realize it.

rizzyfromthe9 · 2019-11-15T22:24:29+00:00

Listen to “Good” by Jocko

blimp11 · 2019-11-16T04:26:10+00:00

You got this..

Sero-Flex · 2019-11-16T05:35:13+00:00

Start training Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I bet my bottom dollar it’ll change your life in just a few months.

no_its_a_subaru · 2019-11-16T17:10:35+00:00

Religion and pride.

I’m a catholic so suicide is an instant one way ticket to hell.

I’m also way too proud (sometimes to a detriment) to let life get to me. As dumb as it might sound, I’d rather slog though misery than let life “win.”

thrown_in_the_throw · 2019-11-16T21:26:02+00:00

I’ve contemplated years ago after a family member died and years later it hit me in the gut that this person is actually dead. Felt like an asshole because I was supposed to see this person in the hospital before they died but didn’t go, I still feel like shit about it some days. The day I was told this person was dying was thanksgiving morning, so now I don’t bother celebrating it anymore. What kept me from doing it was heavy metal. The sound just felt calming and through the rest of the mourning process (for me at least) metal helped me get through the day.

LordFlakkko · 2019-11-17T02:47:10+00:00

Every single time I tried someone always intervened. I tried to hang myself when im home alone then my mother randomly comes home early because she forgot something and im foiled. I use a tree in my backyard at the same time my disabled neighbors son happens to be outside smoking and im foiled again. Try to use attic the rope breaks then the fucking beam breaks then when I finally jerry rig a pole between the a ladder that can support my weight my brother comes home early from work for what ever reason. I guess god doesn't want me to hang myself. O well. One of these days im going to buy a black market gun and shoot myself. God wont stop me then

agathor69 · 2019-11-16T04:58:48+00:00

Sucks to hear your in this place man.

I would highly suggest cutting out the crap from your diet. Recently im starting to think that more and more mental issues people are experiencing is due to diet. If your not eating what your brain and body need to maintain itself and constantly shoving down grains, dairy and vegetables that might be causing imflammation its no wonder someone might feel depressed, tired and just "done".

Check out Mikhaila Peterson's story. Went from crazy bad Arthritis + Depression since childhood to perfectly health with just a change in diet. Shes an extreme case for sure but i think its basically the same thing with everyone except Mikhailas just insanely sensitive, like a canary in the coal mine kinda thing.

Not trying to say diet will fix all your issues but youd be suprised how much it could help.

Title	RPers who have been on the brink, what stopped you from committing suicide?
Author	JPVoltaire
Upvotes	125
Comments	90
Date	November 15, 2019 9:20 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/dwx443/rpers_who_have_been_on_the_brink_what_stopped_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/rpers-who-have-been-on-the-brink-what-stopped-you.295380 https://theredarchive.com/post/295380