How do I handle a comfort test if I'm not attracted to my wife?

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OptimusRP
November 19, 2019
20 upvotes
askMRP
  • Age 41, Height 6'3", Weight 215 lbs, BF 23% (Navy)
  • Wife 41, Married 18 years, Together 22, Kids 12 and 9.
  • LP 315x5, BP 205x5, BOR 145x5, DL 140x5, OHP 125x5,
  • Finished Reading: NMMNG, Currently Reading: WISNIFG
  • 4 weeks RP, DL1, Week 4/4

I've spent the last 18 years pursuing my wife for shitty starfish sex. Since taking the pill I have stopped initiating completely. I will no longer settle for that. She has initiated a couple of times and I have provided duty sex, but wasn't really into it. I'm just not attracted to her anymore.

My T level is 471 but my doc will not help me raise it. I bought a bottle of "Invictus Alpha Boost" from Amazon to try and raise my levels naturally. I've only been taking it for 3 days and haven't noticed a change in libido.

I have given up porn and stopped jerking off. I am in monk mode. I go to work, go to the gym, spend time with my kids, get shit done around the house, and go out with my friends. I haven't been neglecting my wife. I've taken her on three dates in the last 4 weeks. I've been holding her hand and giving her hugs/kisses. I just don't want to have sex with her. The last time this came up I told her I needed some time to focus on myself and asked her to be patient with me.

I had planned to initiate over the weekend even if I didn't really feel like fucking her. On Saturday morning I playfully asked if she was smooth "down there". She said, "No". I said, "You should make an appointment at the wax place today," and she immediately said, "No" again. I made a face like "suit yourself" and walked away.

Anyway, here is our text conversation from this morning:

Her: "You don't touch me, kiss me, have sex with me, or tell me you love me, and you don't know when you'll want to."

(20 minutes later)

Her: "Mmmkaaayyy???"

(30 minutes later)

Her: "You can't think of anything to say to me? At all????"

Me: "You need to be patient with me."

Her: "Patient? While you figure out if you can stomach touching me or providing any affection at all? I thought being patient was just related to you deciding when and if you're going to have sex with me again. Are you telling me I need to be patient for any form of affection?"

(2 minutes later)

Her: "Perhaps later you can help me reconcile what you're doing about this in the midst of you having all these adventures without me and enjoying your time with your friends. Maybe you can help my brain understand that."

(2 minutes later)

Her: "Fine. Since you can't argue with my feelings just know that I feel invisible, rejected, and heartbroken. I'm going to stop texting now."

(1 hour later)

Her: "Do you love me more than obligatory love?"

Me: "We can talk about this tonight babe."

Her: "Whatever. Fit me into your schedule."

I was tempted to DEER and remind her that I have touched/kissed her recently, but I caught myself. I'm not going to defend myself, especially over text.

I am at a loss here. I don't want to have sex with her unless I genuinely want to, but I also don't want her to feel "heartbroken". I want to be honest with myself and with her, but I also do not want to be a dick or continue to hurt her. What is the best way to handle this?


Post Information
Title How do I handle a comfort test if I'm not attracted to my wife?
Author OptimusRP
Upvotes 20
Comments 170
Date 19 November 2019 02:57 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/295859
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/dylgwm/how_do_i_handle_a_comfort_test_if_im_not/
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Comments

[–]itiswr1ttenRed Beret13 points14 points  (3 children) | Copy

Your wife thinks starfish sex is fine because you trained her for 2 decades that it was fine and what you want. Now you just ignore her, which is only appropriate when you've owned up to the circumstances that brought you here.

As with all MRP cases you are the failure, and until you decide whether your acceptance of that means:

  1. Punishing your wife out of gay resentment (worst option)

  2. Getting over yourself, increasing your attractiveness, and making it clear that it is the quality of sex you lack (and not a personal issue) - then LEADING her into the sex you want

  3. Divorcing her

Then you'll continue to flop around and write diary entries about how you're too cool for wife school. She is actively trying to fuck you, and you're the frigid one. Yeesh.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

She is actively trying to fuck you, and you're the frigid one. Yeesh.

I respond when she initiates. She is currently upset because I am not initiating with her and she doesn't feel wanted.

[–]itiswr1ttenRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yes. Because of her training, and because you're freezing her out. Which of the 3 paths are you planning to take

[–]OptimusRP[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Path #2

[–]InChargeManRed Beret28 points29 points  (2 children) | Copy

I am at a loss here. I don't want to have sex with her unless I genuinely want to, but I also don't want her to feel "heartbroken". I want to be honest with myself and with her, but I also do not want to be a dick or continue to hurt her. What is the best way to handle this?

Me: "You need to be patient with me."

If I were her I'd think you mean you are considering going gay.

[–]becoming_alpha6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

We throw "faggot" around a lot here, but I think InChargeMan is spot on.

[–]Perfectinmyeyes2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Lol

[–]Popeman7932 points33 points  (22 children) | Copy

Regarding communication: I think you're doing great. The fact that she realizes you have all these 'adventures', that she wants to fit in your schedule, etc. is great. Just one thing I would change, is stop asking her to be patient with you. Asking this sets the frame that there is something you're doing wrong and you need mommy's approval. If she asks you why you don't fuck her, just say 'I'm not feeling it'. Which is true.

Regarding your attraction to your wife: why aren't you attracted? Is it a physical thing (she's fat and/or saggy) or is it an attitude thing. Can she change it? I think duty sex is fine, if you wanna stay with her you should give it to her once in a while, just as you would expect the other way around if you were a fat slob.

Finally a word of advice: you're doing everything right, except that you are treating her very harshly. Don't forget, if you're the leader, it's your role to push her, but also to lift her up.

I would recommend to continue what you're doing, be adventurous and independent, but be also smiling, fun and caring, during the little time you spend with your wife. Make her want to join you. If you're just a detached cold guy, she won't improve for you.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 10 points11 points  (12 children) | Copy

Thanks for commenting. It's physical and attitude, which makes it extremely difficult for me to be caring and warm towards her. I don't want to reward her bitchy behavior.

[–]EasyDaysHardNights26 points27 points  (4 children) | Copy

You're 4 weeks in and still pulling your head out of your ass so I'm going to cut you a small amount of slack.

​

It's physical and attitude,

You are pointing out her physical state and attitude but the irony is ... That's YOUR problem.

​

Physical:

At 23% body fat you've put a ceiling on your libido that makes it all about you right now.

Dropping just 6% or 7% body fat will go a long way toward getting a hard on for your wife. Pre-RP, my wife and I were in bed together on vacation in one of those make your head explode locations. She was literally grabbing at me and my lard ass at 24.5% body fat was completely uninterested. We were both buck naked. I wanted Nada from her. She grabbed my dick and gave me a BJ. I barely stood at attention. When I dropped below 19% I felt a noticeable difference in my libido. You are a fat fuck. It's killing your libido. Get your own house in order pudgy man.

​

Attitude:

which makes it extremely difficult for me to be caring and warm towards her. I don't want to reward her bitchy behavior.

This smacks hard of you being in her Frame. Your ability to choose your emotional state regardless of hers is fundamental to being able to lead. She's being bitchy and you struggle? Who gives a fuck. Bitchy is a fucking shit test. Hell it's Pick Up 101 for girls to give a man shit. She's testing your frame and you ask her to be patient with you. You put Mommy in charge of whether the world is OK or not.

You feel a need to respond. You do not need to respond. Verbal Intercourse is Optional.

​

Let's get philosophical for a second ...

​

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
    And treat those two impostors just the same; 

- IF by Rudyard Kipling

​

Foundational to Frame is this concept of Outcome Independence. The idea that you are unfazed regardless of how the outside world interacts or responds to YOU. Which implies you are the cause ... the Point of Origin in your world. It does not matter how things turn out. Triumph or Disaster ... You continue regardless. That is what makes you a man. A leader.

Right now your wife's emotional outbursts are the point of origin and you are figuring out how to respond to HER. YOU need to lead. She needs to figure out how to respond to YOU.

You need to be unfazed by her emotional swings regardless of their highs and lows. Neither of those are her true state. They are moments passing in front of you which you took the bait for but you don't need to.

Be the Oak. Let her emotions, both high and low, rage around you. Do that and she'll be showering you with sweet nectar from her pussy. Ignore that ... and you'll be the pussy.

Oh wait ... you already are.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Finally had a chance to read "Verbal Intercourse is Optional". This is really the best advice.

[–]EasyDaysHardNights0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Be sure to read Jackten's comment below it as well.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

"Don't go from 100 to 0"

It's probably too late for that now. I'm just going to have to live with the consequences.

[–]i-am-the-prize2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nope, won't be too late. You're only 4 week in, and have been married 18 years. Unless you went to Dread level 12, it's not too late. Just follow the advice in that post and the Jackten comment. they are gold.

[–]Popeman797 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

Have a hard stick when she does something bad, but promise and give big rewards when she does something good. The rewards can be emotional, for her it will mean a lot, and for you it won't be difficult.

The moment she does something good, flip your attitude and be overly fun and energetic, and loving if you can. More than she deserves. Because if you're pushing and scolding her hard, you need to balance it with good feelings (it's all about feelings) at some point. Eventually, she'll come around and do more of the things that bring rewards.

I'm guessing you're staying in this for the kids... Good luck to you!

[–]OptimusRP[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm staying in it for a few reasons: 1. I don't want to get divorced. 2. I want to fix myself. 3. For the kids.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

  1. Zero frame
  2. Zero game
  3. Zero options

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Is it just her you’re not attracted to or all women? If it’s her - you may just be in the “wife goggles” off / angry phase.

If it’s a more general issue - then it’s likely medical. Losing the weight and lifting will help. Get your diet, sleep, and exercise in line and see how you are in three months.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's just her.

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Her attitude sucks because she’s been married to a drunk captain. You’ll feel a slight tug when the 2000’ rope grabs her. So is she fat?

Oh, and your numbers suck. I’m guessing you are 25%+. Lose some fat and you libido and your Testosterone will go up. Most doctors won’t presc T at 470. Do everything you can before getting on it because it’s for life and it can have negative side effects if you get a dr who doesn’t know what he’s doing. I didn’t get on T until I was 50. My total T was 190 , mostly due to a long term med... but I was still functioning sexually because I was lean. I’ve added on at least 10 lbs muscle since going on T, but I’m glad I waited until 50

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That's good advice. I will wait.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando5 points6 points  (7 children) | Copy

The fact that she realizes you have all these 'adventures',

Where are you pulling these adventures from? Your ass?

​

Finally a word of advice: you're doing everything right

No, he's not - he's a fat cunt going through an anger phase and this is his third victim puke in the last two weeks.

Why the fuck is this post getting upvoted?

[–]Popeman790 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

Her: "Perhaps later you can help me reconcile what you're doing about this in the midst of you having all these adventures without me and enjoying your time with your friends. Maybe you can help my brain understand that."

The adventure part comes from this. Doesn't matter if he actually has adventures, the fact that this is her perception is great.

Regarding the rest yeah you can look at it your way, he's imperfect and fat, and still acting childish. But he's making progress, and you don't help people improve if you just point out how imperfect. The same way he has to have the hard stick but also the soft hand with his wife. Anyway I'm not saying your assessment is wrong, just that I believe men improve better with some reinforcement.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

What progress has he made? In the last month, he's read a few books and become increasingly more passive aggressive towards his wife.

His doctor checked his T levels and they are low, which explains the low libido, yet he somehow manages to blame it on his wife for being fat. But yeah, he ordered some Alpha Juice off Amazon, so he's done his work.

He's had three victim pukes on this sub in less than three weeks.

He claims not to be attracted to his wife but doesn't shut the fuck up talking about her. In fact, 90% of the shit he writes is she / her / she. A fucking month in.

And yeah, he's a fat cunt.

He doesn't need a hard stick and a soft hand - he needs a brutal fucking kick to the balls.

But you keep spoonfeeding him, patting his head and telling him that he's doing a great job. Good lad. Hope that works out for you both.

[–]Popeman793 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

I mean you're probably right on many accounts, you've definitely investigated this dude more than me. I just based my answer on this one post.

Look, some men need to be kicked in the balls. Some men need to be empowered (yeah sorry about that term), so that they start believing in their own value, which is really the first step of being a man.

I also think the answers here are not only about OP, others read and learn from it. Just repeating to everyone that they're worthless pussies until they magically transform into ripped Chads isn't that helpful. I'd rather help them out at each step of the way. At least I know that the change didn't happen overnight for me.

I might be wrong in this case. Still, the fact that you're so bitter about it is weird.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

The first step to MRP is owning your shit.. and that begins by recognising where you have fucked up and where you are fucking up. It begins when you start some serious introspection. It begins when you stop blaming your wife, your dog, the weather and your made up disorders for the shithole you've dug yourself into. It begins when you stop playing the victim.

Only at that point can you see what your actual value is. And it's at that point where you can chose what you want your value to be. That is the first step to being a man.

And only then the real work begins.

If you think that holding someone's hair while they victim puke is empowering, I got nothing for you.

[–]Popeman792 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I agree with everything you say.

In this case if you believe I'm really holding his hair too much, take this opportunity to kick him in the balls while he's distracted. Everybody wins.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Gonna high five you for that. LMFAO.

[–]arm_candy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That was sarcasm. She doesn’t actually think he’s on any adventures. She’s taking down to him like she’d talk down to a misbehaving teen.

Are you as autistic as OP?

[–]Perfectinmyeyes0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good reply here

[–]RandomArrr7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Shocker. She isn’t attracted to you either.

[–]0io-Tsundere8 points9 points  (39 children) | Copy

I think you should still have sex with your wife. Use viagra or something if you have to.

23% body fat is still way too fat for you to be attractive. Need to get it sub 15% ASAP, preferably around 10-12%. I wouldn't bother with T-boosters, get a different doctor to prescribe you TRT or just keep working on your lifts and losing weight. Your natty levels might increase some when you get rid of the extra fat. Maybe try intermittent fasting.

If you keep working on your weight, and put some effort into having good sex, odds are that the wife will notice and all of a sudden she'll start losing weight and working out and putting some effort into sex as well.

You're still too focused on what your wife is saying. First get yourself into great physical shape and you'll find she's not only more into sex but she'll probably start trying to get herself into shape too.

When you're at 10-12% Body Fat with some muscles you're in a much better position to go hook up with local girls from the University, and the wife doesn't need to be told that, she will see that with her own eyes.

You have to fix yourself first. Other people have to fix themselves.

If I were you I would initiate a couple of times a day, even if it doesn't lead to sex or couldn't possibly lead to sex. A 10 second "make out session" before work is a lot better than nothing, and leads to a lot more sex during the week.

Losing weight will help you a whole bunch. Bring that body fat percentage down before you even worry about how other things are going. Keep initiating more often that you're used to.

Also, unless there's some medical thing stopping you, don't do leg press do squats. And your deadlift is really lagging. You need to cut down to 175 or 180 body weight and then bulk back up. You're carrying around way too much fat.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 1 point2 points  (33 children) | Copy

I started 16/8 intermittent fasting last week. So you are suggesting I should give her sex even if I don't want to? I'm having a hard time with that.

[–]MillionaireSexbomb4 points5 points  (30 children) | Copy

When’s the last time you genuinely wanted to have sex with her and what preceded or sparked that feeling? For IF, if you want to get real freaky try 23/1 for a while, or multiple day fasts. Shit will melt off. Those T boosters you’re taking aren’t doing shit, throw them out. There’s not much legitimate increases in T possible outside of external hormone introduction, your baseline is going to stay pretty consistent after you’ve taken care of things like sleep, diet, exercise and such.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 1 point2 points  (24 children) | Copy

I think I'll try a 24 hour fast tomorrow.

[–]0io-Tsundere6 points7 points  (23 children) | Copy

I'm doing 36-12 right now (Alternate day fasting) and it's working great for fat loss, have gone from 12% to sub-10. The first couple of fasting (and eating) days were really rough though. Supposedly there are health benefits to fasting in addition to looking sexier.

[–]MillionaireSexbomb2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fasting helps reduce inflammation all over the body. It also reduced the amount of time I felt I needed to sleep but can’t speak to the quality of that sleep. Mental clarity was great but again, inflammation was the key part there.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Interesting

[–]MillionaireSexbomb0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Have a longer response for a few other things but let me ask you this: are you having fun with anything you’re doing right now?

[–]OptimusRP[S] -1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

Yes. Everything in my life is great except for her.

[–]MillionaireSexbomb1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Legally she’s in your life right now, are you taking her on any adventures with you giving her a taste of the fun or is she just excluded from any of the fun parts of you? I’m in no way an expert on leading in a relationship and I’m not married, but are you bringing her in on any of this to show her what she can be a part of?

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She has no interest in my interests but I have been taking her out on dates and making time for her.

[–]StanisBot0 points1 point  (12 children) | Copy

How is the fasting affecting your strength and lifts? I’m a seasoned faster and have done up to 10 days with many many many 3-5 days fasts.

I have been lifting for four months and seeing insane progress. As expected I am gaining fat along with the muscle. I’d like to fast to cut it out instead of a slight deficit since I enjoy fasting and it works well for me.

[–]Cam_Winston211 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Definitely eat after lifting, as much protein as you can ingest. Fasting on days you don't train shouldn't be a hindrance, it hasn't been for me. But, if you don't think that you're getting enough protein, OMAD will definitely do the trick.

According to the Zero app I've averaged 20 hrs per day since February & my strength is either the same or higher and I've gained muscle mass, especially in my back/delts.

If you're aiming to fast for multiple days, check out the /r/snakediet sub & look up 'snake juice', it's basically sodium in water, you make it and it costs pennies + provides electrolytes.

[–]StanisBot1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You know I actually had good success with the snake juice. Most fasters know to take electrolytes but it’s usually unmeasured in the community. Personally I get achey and get leg cramps if I am low on the electrolytes. Snake juice is a calculated way to fix that, whereas in the past I would just eyeball various salts into water.

[–]wkndatbernardus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed, snake juice was a game changer for me.

[–]0io-Tsundere1 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy

I haven't hit any new PRs but I have been cutting a lot faster than I intended to with Alternate Day Fasting. For ages I struggled to get below 10 percent body fat--did a bulk from 13 percent 185 lbs up to 208, then cut and got to 11-12 percent. Now I'm 179 6'4, and supposedly 9.5 percent. (Pretty good for an old guy.) Got veins popping out on my arms and legs now, which I am not even sure I like. Face looks really lean though. I am not sure how much longer I should keep it up. Have you been maxing out at the gym? Maybe it's your own growth hormone production kicking in?

[–]wkndatbernardus1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Damn dog, you a beast. I'm 6'3 and plateaued my weight loss at 195. Gotta stop pussing out and throw some more multi day fasts in there.

[–]StanisBot0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

Not maxing yet. Seeing slow progress on some lifts such as OHP, but in general adding 2.5, 5, or 10 lbs every workout. Doing a 6 day PPL split, so have to figure out how to plan this. I don’t want to get light headed during squats for one.

Not sure how long my noob gains will last. In general how long were your bulking periods and fasting/cutting periods lasting? And how much are you losing per week? You have a great system it seems!

[–]0io-Tsundere0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

I was doing about 16 weeks bulking, then 16 weeks cutting. With this alternate day fasting I seem to be losing 3 or 4 pounds a week, which is a lot faster than I expected--I don't know if that will slow down at some point, because if not, I'll have to stop doing it pretty soon. The alternate day fasting really seems to burn a lot of fat, which is great.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

fasting I seem to be losing 3 or 4 pounds a week,

That’s way too much at your height/weight. I’d go a pound or 2 a week max. That’s probably why your face is looking Anorexic. Honestly, if you’re 6’4”, 179, that’s probably not attractive to most women... I’m guessing you look like a cyclist. You should be around 200 lbs at your height.

I’m 6’1”, 203 lbs, and I pretty much get IOI from every woman I talk to. Chicks love muscles. I’m probably around 13% body fat, and that’s about as low as I want to go. It I have a berry skinny frame so 13-15% looks better on me than 10%.

I mean you could stay near 10, but you need to start lifting heavy. Get to at least 190. What type of body frame do you have and what’s your natural body type? Did you used to be very overweight?

[–]WolfofAllStreetz0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It’s good for your insulin levels/resistance.

[–]lotrlotr140 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Damn. How do you lift on a fast like that?

[–]Cam_Winston210 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The human body gets energy from stored fat. That is exactly how it was designed to work.

Eat after lifting, lots of protein & refuel the muscles. I work out in a fasted state 99% of the time, no problem.

[–]0io-Tsundere0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I do my oly lifting on eating days and squats and other accessory lifts on fast days, after the first 2 fast days it isn't that bad. It's a cut so I don't expect my strength is going to increase any.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Over a year ago while she was undressing.

[–]0io-Tsundere2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you've cut out porn and masturbation and you're still not getting uncontrollably horny around your wife (a human female) you should probably go ahead and try pharmaceuticals (testosterone, viagra / cialis, steroids.) I don't smoke or drink but maybe even consider half a glass of wine or some weed or something. Tell her to do exactly what you want her to do to get you turned on.

You, as a man, should be getting sexually excited around a naked woman, if you're not overdoing porn and masturbation. I'd go ahead and force myself to do it if I were you while you're getting your own problems fixed. With luck as you lose fat your testosterone level and sex drive will increase on its own. But a talk with your doctor is in order to say that you're not masturbating and you haven't felt genuinely horny in a whole year. That's an actual medical problem that they can treat.

[–]sivarias1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

How long ago did you cut porn and masturbation. And at what age did you start?

As a rule if you started in your 20's it's 3 months no porn before libido bounces back. Late teens it's 6 months. Early teens a year.

Something to keep in mind.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I started around 12 when I found my old man's dirty magazines and VHS tapes. Totally gave it up about 6 months ago.

[–]sivarias2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

So you've got some recovery to do.

Get sub 15% bf like I was said above, give it another six months. And get some Viagra and do some duty sex. Even if you don't feel it.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Having a soft time, more like.

[–]0io-Tsundere3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, if you want to stay married you should keep having sex with your wife whether you want to or not "duty sex", but I can tell you confidently that as you lose weight and start looking sexier your wife is going to be a hell-of-a-lot more fun to have sex with. Right now you're both kind of fat and unattractive with close-to-zero sex drives. Get in shape and your sex drive will pick up, and she'll be wanting to have sex with you (like everybody else) just because you've become sexier. Don't give her some reason to start posting personal ads and subscribing to "Dead Bedrooms". Lose 30 or 40 pounds and you'll see an incredible difference.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

I can't squat due to a bad disc in my back. Same reason my DL is low. I don't want to end up back in the hospital!

[–]0io-Tsundere7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Stay out of the hospital. Maybe swim laps or something, whatever works for you.

[–]sivarias5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

Overhead Press and slightly imperfect form will do more to damage your bad disk then a proper deadlift and squat.

Assuming it's lower back (it usually is), work on your core. Cut your pride, and start doing body weight squats. The stronger your abs and obliques get, the less your disk will bother you, the more you'll lift. I know because it's exactly what I did.

I would also swap out rows for pull-ups if you can do at least 5. The time hanging will give your disk room to breathe, and still work your upper back and shoulders. It'll also give you a chance to work your core by keeping your legs straight out ahead as you pull.

Good luck.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thank you.

[–]sivarias1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your welcome.

Keep on keeping on. And don't think because you've got some success, suddenly you're Adonis.

It's a painful lesson, but we all hit that branch rolling the boulder up the hill.

[–]arm_candy4 points5 points  (11 children) | Copy

5 weeks ago you were aching for that sex validation and suddenly you don’t find her physically attractive. Nothing happened to her body in the last five weeks. What happened is that you’re in the anger phase and it’s bleeding out in your interactions with her.

You’re cold and distant which is why she feels like she isn’t getting any affection from you. Your hand holding and kisses aren’t genuine and it has a lot more to do with your head than her body.

Nothing in the text you wrote about your interactions with her feels genuine. Even your “smooth” comment comes off cringey and fake. You need to get over your anger and frustration.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy

Hmmm. I don't feel angry. I do feel frustrated that she wants sex but won't initiate. It feels like a battle of wills. She wants sex but she wants me to initiate. I'm indifferent to sex but willing to provide it if she initiates. So we have a stalemate.

[–]tap09885343 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I feel like this is the key problem. You are butthurt, because you resent that women are female. Females are sexually responsive. They don't initiate on their own, especially after early stages of relationship. Lesbian bedroom death occurs at 5 years on average. (you are here).

Girls crave and need domination. It will do wonders for your libido too. Be sexually commanding and assertive. Make her your fucktoy. Girls are generally starfish. It is up to you to direct and guide each encounter, to put her in the positions you want, to tell her each action to take.

If you want that pussy smooth, then step into the shower and shave it. Tell her you want it smooth so you can destroy it. I feel like you're scared of her bitchy attitude and getting told no. Be bold, who cares if she says no.

For the longest time I was afraid my wife would bitch out if I did anything in bed. I just started doing stuff anyway. Imagine my shock when I spanked her hard and instead of getting up, taking the kids and leaving, she came really fucking hard.

[–]arm_candy2 points3 points  (8 children) | Copy

No, we have you acting like a passive aggressive woman. You’re withholding sex and you sure as hell are acting like you’re angry.

To be clear, you are literally being passive aggressive here. You are refusing to take an easy action out of spite.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

I'm not withholding sex out of anger. I just don't feel inclined to initiate sex with her. I don't see how that equals passive aggressiveness.

[–]arm_candy3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy

I don’t believe for a moment that you aren’t angry. Firstly, you should be angry. 18 years of begging for duty sex? If you’re not angry then something is wrong with you. You should recognize your anger and turn it toward useful activities instead of being a cold dick to your wife, though.

Secondly, your anger bleeds through in your comments. It’s plain as day. I plucked this from your OYS a couple weeks ago:

On Sunday the wife said, "I wore a dress...are you happy now?" I looked up and said, flatly, "Overjoyed" and then went back to what I was doing. She stood there for a few seconds and said, "It'd be nice if you could compliment me without being so sarcastic." I didn't respond. She eventually walked away.

Yeah. You’re being a giant prick. This would have been a great opportunity for some AA. Instead you talk to her like a coworker you despise and then ignore her.

She said, "I wish your muscles would have done some dishes while you were home all day." ... Normally I would have gotten pissed off, but I STFU and continued working on the costume. Later that night while she was helping my son carve his pumpkin I cleaned all the dishes because I wanted to. She said "thanks for doing that". I didn't need her thanks.

That was an awesome burn and if you weren’t such a butthurt little bitch you would have laughed. You’re seething mad here and it’s painfully obvious. You seem to think that you’re not mad because you’re not screaming or hitting stuff, but this shutting down shit is very clearly anger. Fuck, you can’t even say “you’re welcome” when she thanks you.

The fact that you can’t see this obvious shit is the problem. You’re acting like an autist burying a pile of rage and you’re confused that she doesn’t feel any affection from you. It’s not just the sex. It’s your normal interactions with her.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

To be fair this was from a few weeks ago and others made the same observation. I've since lightened up.

[–]arm_candy1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

You might have lightened up, but not enough.

I made a face like "suit yourself" and walked away.

You’re still acting like you’re angry. You won’t fix your marriage if you don’t want to be with your wife. You might as well go ahead and divorce if this is the best you can do.

You’ve even constructed a covert contract that you will not give her sex unless she initiates in the way you demand. She’s literally texting you asking for sex. She is initiating, but it isn’t the supplication you want so it’s not good enough. Have you told her to just initiate at night? Just kidding, I know the answer. You’d rather set her up for failure because you’re enjoying your petty revenge.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

God damnit I'm not enjoying any of this. No, I haven't told her that, because I'm not supposed to tell her what to do right? I'm just supposed to STFU, lift and read the sidebar, and dispite the fact the sidebar says AskMRP is supposed to be for new guys that have questions, don't bother asking a question because you'll just be told how much of a fat faggot you are.

[–]arm_candy1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

This place is for asking questions. And yes you will get called a fat faggot. It’s part of the deal. The people calling you that aren’t saying you shouldn’t ask the question, though. They’re saying your shouldn’t be a fat faggot.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I get it.

[–]hystericalbonding8 points9 points  (16 children) | Copy

Your testosterone is quite high for a woman. You are a woman, right?

I also do not want to be a dick or continue to hurt her.

Then why be so passive aggressive? Skip to the punchline and submit divorce papers instead of being lazy and trying to make her do it. The entire post sounds like gender reversal in every case where the flaired guys say, "She wants you to kill the puppy." The difference is that you're more intent on resenting and punishing her for your own failings.

Is this how all your breakups have gone? Were you able to remain on good terms with any ex-girlfriend?

[–]OptimusRP[S] -4 points-3 points  (15 children) | Copy

Then why be so passive aggressive? Skip to the punchline and submit divorce papers instead of being lazy and trying to make her do it.

I'm not being passive aggressive or lazy. I'm working on me and staying true to myself.

The difference is that you're more intent on resenting and punishing her for your own failings.

I'm not resenting or punishing her. I'm just not attracted to her.

[–]hystericalbonding5 points6 points  (14 children) | Copy

I'm not being passive aggressive

I love this line.

BF 23%

starfish sex

You're fat and have no game. What were you expecting?

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (12 children) | Copy

How am I being passive aggressive?

[–]arm_candy0 points1 point  (11 children) | Copy

“I need you to be patient with me.”

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy

This is my attempt to buy time while I improve myself.

[–]arm_candy1 point2 points  (9 children) | Copy

It’s bullshit. If you don’t want to fuck your wife, fine, but this is utter garbage. You don’t need to “improve yourself” to have sex. Your radio silence and your “stoic” requests for patience reek of anger.

I don’t buy that your physical attraction toward your wife actually fell off a cliff because you “swallowed the pill” and neither does your wife. Your behavior is not congruent and she sees this.

You’re so angry and butthurt that you wouldn’t initiate over the weekend because your wife didn’t want to get her crotch waxed.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

You’re so angry and butthurt that you wouldn’t initiate over the weekend because your wife didn’t want to get her crotch waxed.

Wrong. I made it clear what I wanted her to do. She didn't do it. Should I reward that behavior with sex?

[–]arm_candy0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Dude. Come on. You read some posts by Rollo and now you only fuck chicks who wax?

You are not attractive enough that your wife is going to run to the salon to wax her pussy on a whim for you, especially when you’ve been acting like a prick for a week. This is a you problem, not a her problem.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

OK. So in the meantime I should just give her sex whenever she wants? Sounds like I'd be in her frame if I did that.

[–]tightsleeves0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

The question you need to ask yourself is this; Are you worth the pain of waxing her privates for?

All of your RP knowledge means nothing if you ARENT that RP guy yet. And you aren't

Also. baby fucking steps.. Why not ask her to trim or shave it first? You are going straight to hardcore request mode.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

All true.

[–]maxofreddit3 points4 points  (8 children) | Copy

WISNIFG is going to help with that feeling like a dick part.

There's a way to communicate your needs/wants/way you want life to without "being a dick."

Not to DEER, but as an idea, you're mantra should be something along the lines of.. "I'm wanting a life that more full of living, and I think you want the same thing. In order to do that, I'm making some changes. I want a happy, sexy, and fun life." I'm not saying you have to say this to HER, just have it running in your head.

Also... do you have a goddamn sense of humor?

The whole "You need to be patient with me," is weird google therapy talk. If you were fun, sexy, and successful, she'd do anything you want without you even having to ask. You're saying to her, the SHE has to change when it's YOU that has to change, and she will either follow or not (instinctively, you won't need to tell her). I would've ended the text convo like this..

Her: "Whatever. Fit me into your schedule"

Me/You: "I got something that'll fit into you."

I find that humor/AA work best for me. No-one wants to be in the drama all the time. She's totally shaking your tree to see if she can affect your frame and if there's reason to. If you joke it away, then she makes a note that her weird hissy fit is a waste of time.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

Her: "Whatever. Fit me into your schedule"

Me/You: "I got something that'll fit into you."

I find that humor/AA work best for me. No-one wants to be in the drama all the time. She's totally shaking your tree to see if she can affect your frame and if there's reason to. If you joke it away, then she makes a note that her weird hissy fit is a waste of time.

The only problem here is that I have no desire to have sex with her.

[–]maxofreddit1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

The only problem here is that I have no desire to have sex with her.

So what? It's a joke. It actually has less to do with the sex, and more to do with you having fun.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

I get it. Trouble is she never laughs at my jokes. Everyone else in my world thinks I'm hilarious and fun except for my wife. She either rolls her eyes at me or doesn't react at all. This is why I don't see A&A ever working on her. She is an uptight bitch with no sense of humor. But she is also very insecure, which is why I think dread is the better way to go.

[–]maxofreddit1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

If she's rolling her eyes, that's a start.

You're still in her frame in a way if you stop because SHE doesn't think your funny. If you're happy and funny and everyone ELSE thinks so, eventually she'll realize that she's the one who's off and shift her thinking.

My wife is rolling her eyes at me half the time, and half the time giving me a groan laugh... over time, it's fine that we each have our own sense of humor.

Remember the 1000 ft rope thing. It may take her a while to start following, the happier and more confident you are, the more your doing "dread" without having to. As in, she starts to wonder why you're so happy and fun and she isn't, and many times the lady will course correct on her own.

I get wanting to use dread, and I sprinkle it in from time to time, but IMHO, many guys use it as a way to push the problems they're having onto their lady as opposed to working on themselves. As in, "I'll show HER!" You gotta know your motives, you know?

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good comment. Thanks Max

[–]arm_candy0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

You don’t get it at all. Why do you even care if she rolls her eyes and laughs? AA is for the person doing it. If the recipient laughs, cool. If not, cool. AA is about how you find her shit ridiculous. It’s not about being a comedian for her.

Letting her burst your balloon and drag you down to her mopey level is the very definition of being in her frame. Do this stuff for yourself. If AA isn’t authentic for you and you don’t want to do it, fine, but not doing it because she doesn’t like it misses the point entirely.

Also, dread can’t be “the better way to go” because dread isn’t an alternative to AA.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

If the recipient laughs, cool. If not, cool.

This is OI.

dread isn’t an alternative to AA.

It's just another tool in the toolbox.

Letting her burst your balloon and drag you down to her mopey level is the very definition of being in her frame.

You're right. I'm still letting her get to me. Thanks for pointing this out.

[–]arm_candy1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is OI.

Sure, it’s OI. You can’t do AA without OI, though. If you can’t laugh at her reaction, whatever it is, while you walk away, you can’t do AA. AA followed by butthurt when she rolls her eyes at you is just completely incongruent and will come off as bitterness and condescension.

It's just another tool in the toolbox.

Dread isn’t really a tool. It’s an outcome. Dread is essentially just her recognition of your options. It’s the state where you are attractive, she sees it, and she knows everyone else can see it too.

You're right. I'm still letting her get to me. Thanks for pointing this out.

Glad you’re starting to see your part in this.

[–]WolfofAllStreetz3 points4 points  (9 children) | Copy

You’re fat, your wife probably isn’t attracted to you either fatty. That bf is unacceptable.

If you don’t like your wife leave, she isn’t going to fix this shit.

[–]OptimusRP[S] -1 points0 points  (8 children) | Copy

That's true, I need to lose more weight. I am actively working on this.

I think she must be somewhat attracted to me otherwise she wouldn't be upset that I stopped initiating sex.

Why would I leave my wife when it's my fault she's like this?

I'm not looking for her to fix anything. She is comfort testing me and I'm asking for useful advice. Do you have anything to contribute besides pointing out my unacceptable BF% that I can't change overnight?

[–]2ndalRed Beret4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy

it doesn't matter if you can change it overnight or not

the simple point is you are unattractive.

you allowed her to gain weight and be a harpy bitch because you didn't give a shit about your own health.

and now you are punishing her once again for your own failures by not initiating

all of this shit is extremely unattractive - the weight sure, but more the stupid games you are playing, and "needing some time to focus on yourself" - jesus christ, come on man

you are getting the exact woman you deserve, plain and simple. she is a reflection of you. the fact that you are not attracted to her means that you are not attractive yourself - not to her and definitely not to yourself.

the fix is easy, however. drop the bullshit and be attractive.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

all of this shit is extremely unattractive - the weight sure, but more the stupid games you are playing, and "needing some time to focus on yourself" - jesus christ, come on man

I thought that was the whole point of MRP

the fix is easy, however. drop the bullshit and be attractive

Working on that. But in the meantime how do I deal with this comfort test?

[–]2ndalRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I thought that was the whole point of MRP

don't go gushing it to your woman

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Jesus Christ, what am I allowed to say to her?

[–]threekindsoflucky0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Acta non verba?

[–]WolfofAllStreetz1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

So you’re asking me why you aren’t attracted to your wife and what to do about it?

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

No. I'm asking how to respond to this comfort test given the fact that I am not attracted to her.

[–]vincewife0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She’s not asking you for sex bc she’s attracted to you. She’s asking for validation sex. She probably isn’t attracted to you

[–]2ndalRed Beret2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy

You can't force attraction. It's either there or it isn't.

Were you ever attracted to her? If so, what's different now?

[–]fannyfire2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Looks like he took off the beer goggles.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Sure I was, about 30 lbs ago.

[–]2ndalRed Beret2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

There's your answer then. She got fat. Convenient that you left that bit of info out.

Obviously can't change her, which is why we tell you to focus on you. It's also why we say your "stay" plan is the same as your "go" plan.

At 23% BF it sounds like you will be more attractive 30 pounds lighter just like your wife. You should focus on that.

Maybe your wife responds to your leadership and works on her own health, maybe she doesn't. Shouldn't really matter. In the end you are either going to be attracted to her again or you're not. If weight is the defining factor in your attraction, she is either going to lose the weight or she isn't. But you will be on the other end of it as a man with options who can and will choose to be with someone who he is attracted to whether its your wife or not.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I understand all of this. I just don't know how to respond to a comfort test when I genuinely don't feel attracted to her.

[–]mrpalt1Chief of the Towel Police1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

you do the comfort test because it's part of being a man. it's part of getting through your fucking pussy ass anger phase.

I know you because I was you. Being passive aggressive doesn't help anyone. If you were a real man you'd give her some comfort not just for her but for YOU to get over your self entitled rambo ass self.

Guess what by giving her some comfort it causes YOU to chill the fuck out. This causes her to chill the fuck out which gives YOU relief from being angry. Do it for yourself.

That's your problem you think you're doing it for her. How about giving comfort for yourself and losing the shitty ass attitude.

Women need encouragement, emotions. There has to be something you like about her, her eyes, tits, ass, smile, laugh. Focus on the good shit and help her feel good so she wants to do more. Side note though, you are going to have a short leash on that until you get yourself into shape. Keep that in mind, with your stats you have no margin for error here.

​

​

We're the same height and Jan 1 2019 I took pictures in the mirror shirtless. same fucking stats bro 217 and 20%+ BF. you're skinny fat. I then bought Bigger Leaner Stonger and cut my weight to 190 and BF to 10-12% taking pictures in the mirror every day for 3 months. Pictures don't lie and you'll see what 23% bf really looks like on you when you've gotten down to 10%.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I suppose I have been acting like a passive aggressive Rambo...

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Why are you married to someone you're not attracted to?

[–]OptimusRP[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

You know the answer to this. I used to be, but now I'm not. I understand it is my fault and I'm doing the work to fix myself. I understand this will take time. I understand the tow rope. What I don't know is how to respond to this comfort test.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

When are you going to do the work? You've been asking people to spoonfeed you for the last two weeks. At some stage, you need to put on your big boy pants.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I am doing the work and that is why she is texting me all this bullshit. I think I know what to do, in spite of all this helpful advice calling me fat and questioning my sexual orientation. I'm going to stand my ground. I don't feel like having sex with her and I'm not going to give her duty sex to make her feel better. That's not passive aggressive. It's not to punish her. It's simply because I don't want to. If she wants to freak the fuck out about it, so be it. If she wants to divorce me over it (she won't) so be it. I don't fucking care. I'm going to do what I want.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Now we're getting somewhere.

[–]dilberryhoundog2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

There is a thing about sex. It’s about the only time in your life when your physical body gets to do its thing without that stupid fucking voice that won’t STFU, trying to shame the shit out of it. Your “Voice” is that hell bent on shaming you that it won’t allow you to get to point where your body takes over and has a bit of fun and release of energy.

How to pass the comfort test?

Just let go of the shame and fuck your wife. It won’t kill you. Better is... tickle the shit out of her then fuck her. Have a pillow fight then fuck her. Go read some posts over at the red pill on gaming techniques, (spanking and G spot activation, was a game changer for me) and use those techniques to fuck her.

“Some times you gotta lower your standards to up your average”

A guy said that to me twenty years ago when I was doing the night club thing. He fucked a girl every night he went out. I almost never fucked a girl. I was trying to tune the hottest girl in the club along with about 50 other dudes. He got to pick from about 5 girls, who all wanted to fuck. I went home empty handed, he got what he wanted.

My wife has had 3 ceaser’s out of her podgy belly and nearly six years of baby’s hanging off her saggy tits. She knows her “mum” body has lost it’s sexual attractiveness, sometimes I’m not attracted, I don't care. But she still fucks like she is 18. Why?

That guy twenty years ago taught me something invaluable... drop your shame of her imperfections and get what you want (your dick wet).

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I was trying to tune the hottest girl in the club along with about 50 other dudes. He got to pick from about 5 girls, who all wanted to fuck. I went home empty handed, he got what he wanted.

This reminds me of that movie "A beautiful mind"

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You are definitely in the middle of shit town. Now isn’t rally the time to make too many decisions on your life/marriage and that includes the typical BS roadblocks of “I’m staying for the kids”.

This is the worst possible place for you to be at your skill level: fat bitchy wife that runs your ass and you barely have the tools to find your own frame. Now you’re realizing that she’s been such a fat bitch for so long you can’t find any redeeming reason to look at her. Totally understandable. I was in the same situation. You have to learn what your frame is. In every conversation or situation you need to think about what YOU want without being influenced by what your fat bitchy wife wants. Until you learn this you’ll fail everywhere.

Don’t “stay for the kids” because you’ll just train them how to have a shitty relationship.

You need to get so much better at being a Man if Value that your wife comes around and loses weight and changes her then OR you’ll be at a place of peace and pull the top cord on divorce. I dumped my fat bitchy wife after 17yrs of marriage. The kids are doing fine (13, 16) and my(48) GF(32) is a fantastic HB9, successful in her own career divorce really can be great, but you need to figure out how to grow as a man before it will change anything for you or she’s going to clean your ass in court and for the rest of your life.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Welcome to Shit Town, population me.

[–]Ivabighairy11 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Can't wait for the next post when you complain that she's cheating on you and asking where you went wrong.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

You'll be waiting a long time.

[–]Ivabighairy11 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Being as clueless and abusive as you are, yea, I can see it will be a long time before or if you figure it out.

[–]OptimusRP[S] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

You don't know shit. No flair, no OYS. Go fuck yourself.

[–]Ivabighairy12 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You sound ... triggered

[–]mrpalt1Chief of the Towel Police1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Also use the trap bar for deads and squats if your back is giving you problems.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks. We do have one. So far I'm doing ok with the regular bar. That may change as I increase weight.

[–]part_wolf2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

"You need to be patient with me."

My wife is 75% of your weight and she lifts heavier than you do. Unfortunately she's on her period this week so I'm super fucking horny; DM me your wife's number so we can solve both our problems at once.

I'm not going to cut you any slack just because you're four weeks in. I try to avoid name calling because it's so cliche, but it really suits you.

Faggot.

You have a major blind spot here. Sounds like you skipped over an important lesson from How To Not Communicate Like a Retard 101. Here is the lesson you missed:

Don't ever start a sentence with "you."

First off, it's completely unnecessary. Second, it's unconstructive because she's just going to tune you out immediately. It's the same reason you never tell a woman to calm down (unless you are trying to piss her off for shits and giggles). Here is what you've been saying:

"You need to lose thirty pounds."

"You need to be patient with me."

I get that you're struggling with attraction and desire for your your wife, but I'm going to keep repeating this until you understand it: it's not her fucking problem, it's yours. You chose to be with this person. You can hardly blame her for getting fat, clearly you set the example for her. You made her the way she is. The reality is that your wife doesn't have to do jack shit. Here are some of the things you never said, for 18 years:

"I want to be with someone who cares about their health."

"I want our family to eat healthy, nutritious food."

"I want us to live a more active lifestyle."

"I'm busy at the moment, but I would like to talk about this later."

"I want to have peace in my marriage, rather than stress."

The absence of these statements have been an implicit endorsement of your wife's behavior. Until you're capable of saying these things to your wife with a warm smile (backed up with a ton of actions on your part), then SHUT THE FUCK UP. I can't blame you for trying, but you're not there yet. Your wife is nowhere near ready to step into your frame, and her frame is emotional chaos at this point.

You want to change the game? You want to be with someone that's not fat? You want to be with someone that isn't so volatile emotionally? Fine. You know exactly what you have to do to get there. Your wife may not want to wait that long, and she may not come along for the ride. Until then, SHUT THE FUCK UP until you're ready to have a goddamned conversation with her about what you need and what you want. It's not about her.

Finally, lose the ego and stop being such a hypocrite. No one respects a hypocrite, and that's exactly what you sound like in your newly discovered lifestyle. You aren't inspiring or leading your wife with the bullshit that's coming out of your mouth. You're the guy that just stepped into the gym four weeks ago and thinks he can start giving me tips on how to improve my power clean. Fuck off with that. Four weeks of RP frame construction doesn't endow you with the authority to start prescribing homework to your wife. Go lose thirty pounds of fat yourself, dumbass, and until you do you should probably...

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

[–]OptimusRP[S] -3 points-2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Why is it my problem that I'm not attracted to my wife? I get that it's my fault that she isn't fit. But I can't change that in the present.

Regardless of how I got here, regardless of how many weeks I've been at this, these facts remain:

  1. She wants me to pursue her.
  2. I don't feel like it.

What is the best response to a comfort test under these circumstances?

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

He just handed you a gold mine. Don't ignore it.

[–]tap09885342 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This isn't a comfort test. This is marital abandonment. Marriage is an agreement for exclusive fucking.

Your lack of attraction comes from a place of bitterness.

Figure out how to harness that bitterness into rage and channel that rage into passion and then hatefuck the shit out of her.

If you can't figure out a way past your bitterness to fuck her, then just give her the divorce.

[–]Perfectinmyeyes1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

You could be like my wife and blame it all on me, not romantic enough, didn't ask for it the right way, asked the wrong time, not helping her in life enough, etc...

That will get her hamster going cuz it did and has mine.

Or you could have that honest talk and see where you end up.

I think there's a bit too much antagonism there what's going on with you.

She isn't your enemy, she's a reflection of you and you her.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Blaming it on her would be DEERing. I have no antagonism towards her. I feel very neutral towards her right now.

[–]so_woke_da_wookie4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.

[–]hack3geRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

And yet in this case OP is a giant faggot who hates himself and doesn’t realize it.

I used to think my wife was the problem and she wasn’t ever going to be attractive to me in that way - it’s pretty hard to not be attracted to a woman in skimpy lingerie on her knees begging you to fuck her face while she fingers herself.

Problem is OP isn’t a guy worthy of that behavior - especially since he’s still a fat fuck.

[–]so_woke_da_wookie1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, I waiting for someone to catch this with a “wait a minute, that’s what we tell dudes about bitches”.

But, homegrown hardcore works well too!

Thanks for the input last week. Building on it.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

You're a passive (and passive-aggressive) bitch, stuck in your wife's frame, waiting reactively for her to lead in the bedroom by figuring out and initiating sex that you might enjoy.

Find your own frame, stop being a passive faggot, figure out what kind of sex with her would interest you (surely you must have some kink), and lead her to it.

[–]OptimusRP[S] -1 points0 points  (5 children) | Copy

I don't care what she does. I'm not attracted to her. There's nothing passive aggressive about it. That's just the way it is. I asked a question about responding to a comfort test. If you have some advice about that I'd be grateful.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I've spent the last 18 years pursuing my wife for shitty starfish sex. Since taking the pill I have stopped initiating completely. I will no longer settle for that. ... I'm just not attracted to her anymore.

So you stumbled across a subreddit where former faggots claim that they no longer have to settle for starfish sex, which immediately made you feel entitled to better sex and resentful that your wife isn't validating you by giving it to you. So you passive-aggressively stopped initiating, and got even more resentful that your wife didn't respond to this beta bullshit by offering awesome sex.

After 18 years of desiring sex with your wife, you read that other guys are allegedly getting better sex, and suddenly you're no longer attracted to your wife. Clearly sex is all about validation for you, and it's no longer validating to you when you know other faggots are getting better sex. But since you'd clearly much rather defend and justify your beta faggotry instead of acknowledging and overcoming your flawed thinking and behavior patterns, by all means keep on DEERing and acting like a bitch.

Just be aware that the former faggots here who are now having better sex fixed themselves before feeling entitled to what they're getting now, instead of doubling down on their beta entitlement, attitudes, and behaviors as you are.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hmmmm. OK, you've given me something to think about.

[–]mrpalt1Chief of the Towel Police0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Well said

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Is this an automated reply?

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

(Facepalm)

[–]JoeBuckYourslf0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

FFS, natural test boosters are garbage.

Here’s things you can do now:

Eat right

Sleep enough

See a new doctor.

Get on self prescribed TRT (which I don’t really go around recommending. It’s not rocket science, but getting and interpreting your own bloods with the aid of the internet isn’t too difficult. Also, do at your own risk.

And you’re FOUR weeks RP? WTF.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I got a copy of my labs and I am going to call a few other doctors.

[–]jackandjill220 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Hm

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Comfort test ?

Or, actually fucking her ?

Tip. Women go bald down there for the right guy. Not when prompted to do so

Tip two- Blow Jobs offered for the right- attractive guy and on demand for the same

[–]FereallyRedHard Core Red0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy

Sex is not intimacy.

Break that false equivalency ASAP.

She's a hole to dump your cum into.

That's where your mind needs to be right now.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

No, I know...I'm just not interested in having sex with her specifically. I'm in monk mode right now.

[–]FereallyRedHard Core Red1 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy

If you drag your first mate on unending sufferfests she will cut the 1000 foot rope herself.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

Hmmm. Well I don't want that to happen. I guess I can give her some comfort.

[–]FereallyRedHard Core Red0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Reward good behavior with some comfort.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Oh. Well, there been none of that recently.

[–]arm_candy1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Your expectations are too high. You have 18 years of shit marriage and a month of overtly withdrawn asshole. Honestly, how long has your marriage been a wreck? How long have you told her by your continued relationship that her behavior is entirely acceptable? You can’t expect that you’re going to get wonderful behavior from her suddenly and be able to reward that.

I can guarantee that you’re doing a terrible job of expressing your expectations. (Do you actually even know what you expect?) I can equally guarantee that she has zero chance of meeting your expectations right now. So you need to reward her when she gets closer to the desired behavior, whatever that is. You’re not going to get a week of loving, dedicated wife and be able to turn to her and say, “babe, I love what you’re becoming” or whatever absurd way you might imagine this playing out.

You need to reward her by showing appreciation and comfort for small things. She says thanks for something? Warmly tell her you’re glad to do it. She does you a favor? Tell her thanks and rub her ass while kiss her. She exercises? Tell her she looks hot when she’s sweaty and slap her ass.

There’s no way that there are literally no good interactions between you two. Didn’t she greet you in bed topless for a fuck? She’s clearly trying at least sometimes and it’s on you for failing to recognize it when she does.

Oh, and your dynamic is super fucked up right now so don’t be surprised if she doesn’t respond to your comfort the way you expect. You might give her comfort and attention and get immediate bitch in return. Play the nice card. You don’t have to hang around if she’s being a cunt but you can’t be a cunt in return like a butthurt bitchboy. Learn to NGAF when she’s a bitch and reset daily. You’re going to be the one who has to change the dynamic. She has literally no idea what is happening right now.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

This is so on the money. I have been an asshole.

I listened to her feelz last night. I didn't DEER. I fogged and then said I wanted to spoon her. She feel asleep in my arms. This morning I gave her a 30 second hug before work. She rubbed my back.

[–]arm_candy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like movement in the right direction.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I guess I can give her some comfort.

Its not a computer program you need to push the right buttons on

u/fereallyred has this nailed - unending sufferfests and lack of presence. Your passive aggressive monk mode is having the reverse effect to what you want - I note that your 'monk mode' includes mental, physical, emotional and spiritual withdrawal from what i can tell.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

True. I tend to operate in the extreme. I suffer from very black/white all-or-nothing thinking. Helpful in my profession, not so much when dealing with irrational human beings.

[–]Vegasman200020 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Man, you are describing my situation almost exactly. I went RP in July, went monk mode on sex as my wife was 5' 200lbs (down to 185 now, oh joy...). We had a similar discussion and I just admitted I wasn't attracted to her and was embarrassed by her weight. And now she is working out every day and dieting, and I am doing the same. I still pat her ass etc but won't initiate sex until I am attracted to her again and if that never happens , well that is why I am MRPing.

[–]FRedington-1 points0 points  (3 children) | Copy

I have often been skeptical of patent medicines. I have no personal experience with "Invictus Labs Alpha Boost". I did find this review of the product via google search.

https://www.43test.com/testosterone-boosters/invictus-labs-alpha-boost-review/

Make your own decision on whether it is or is not effective.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Yeah, this stuff is probably bullshit. I got a copy of my labs and I'm going to reach out to some other doctors.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

It's called Invictus Labs Alpha Boost, for fuck sake.. it's fucking snake oil.

[–]OptimusRP[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It taste like fish oil.



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