Throwaway account, but lurked here for some time. You guys are the only community whose opinion I trust to ask this.
44M, married to 43F, two kids (8f, 10f)
Bit of a dead bedroom. Following TRP guidelines, lifting, etc., for past 6-12 months.Dread level 3 or 4 (mini event last month where she said she was worried I'd leave).
Anyway, impatient fuck that I am, couldn't wait for self improvement and increasing dread slowly. Instead saw a prostitute who gave me genital herpes via unprotected oral (moral: ALWAYS wrap it, lads...)
Now, what to do with the wife? We don't use condoms, so if I say nothing she'll contract it eventually then shit will hit fan. Better to fess up now, I reckon, and save her the pain of infection. Any advice on how to break it to her?
I know the stay plan is the go plan, and all that, and was (before this) mentally preparing myself for what divorce worst case might look like. But now it's potentially around the corner, and at her instigation, I'm shit scared. Made me realise that I really do love her, and my kids.
Feel like shit. Life suddenly unraveling. Please help.
Update 1: Jan 2020
So, I'm the dumb fuck who posted the above a month ago (TL;DR, I caught an STD from a hooker), and I thought I'd stop by to give you guys an update and another laugh. Before that, some opening comments:
To those who thought I was trolling: I really wish I were. But no; it was a real post. I'm usually an intelligent, sensible guy with a responsible job, but you wouldn't know it, would you?
To those who merely mocked or laughed: yes, I know I fucked up. But before you laugh too hard, think about this: 70-90% of ALL women, not just hookers, have oral herpes. In theory, having oral herpes yourself prevents transmission to your dick, but, as I found out, theory isn't perfect. So if you EVER get a bare blowjob from anyone else, as I'm sure many of you have, you risk putting yourself in a similar position.
To those who actually took my post seriously, and especially those who DM'd me with advice - thank you. I was in a pretty dark place for a few days, and you helped me, even if I didn't respond to your comments. You make this place worthwhile, and you're worth a thousand of the other sanctimonious fuckers around here. Thank you.
So, what did I do?
First, I got tested. PCR test said it was HSV1, which is a mercy; in theory, that should mean fewer recurrences compared with the other strain, HSV2, and a reduced risk of passing it back to the wife. (But then, as I say, if theory were correct, I probably shouldn't have got it in the first place.) [Anyway, Lesson 1 for me: Always wrap it...]
Second, I spoke to my pastor. My mind was quite messed up for a few days, and I didn't feel like I had other male friends in whom I could confide. He helped me clarify my thoughts and realize that life would go on, whatever happened. [Lesson 2: I should take Athol Kay's points about male confidant's more seriously...]
Third, I spoke to a divorce attorney. I was scared both by the fear of divorce and the prospect of not being in control of events. Having an initial phone call calmed me down and made me realize that, though I didn't want a divorce, it wouldn't be the end of the world and would still have access to my kids, etc. [Lesson 3: Facing my fears really is the best way to kill them...]
Fourth, I told my wife: that I'd paid for a blowjob and contracted herpes as a result. She was not too impressed, obviously, but was surprisingly understanding - said that she had known something was wrong, but thought I was preparing to leave her, and was actually quite relieved that I wasn't about to do so. It didn't make for the best Christmas, obviously, but she made it clear that she wanted to stay, and wanted us both to work on our sex life so that I didn't feel the need to stray again. She also said that she was surprised that I had the balls - not only to pay for sex, but also to then tell her.
Did I need to tell her? Perhaps not. The fact that it was HSV1 could conceivably have meant that I gave it to myself, or she to me, despite her not giving me a blowjob for nearly a year. However, on top of my feelings of guilt, I would have felt like an utterly cowardly shit if I had kept quiet and passed the STD to her, and she happened to be one of the small % that had particularly bad symptoms. I don't want to be that kind of man. As it is, she now knows there is a risk of transmission but has already instigated sex twice in the past week (which I realize may be more from lack of security than from genuine desire, and which most counselors would say is a bad idea right now, but whatever...)
So, where do we go from here? I'm still trying to work that out. My relationship with my wife has obviously changed, though I don't think it's entirely for the worse. MRP is indeed RP on hard mode; I just lost a life, but haven't quite figured out where the respawn point is.