How do you balance chore play vs owning your shit?

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December 10, 2019

I’m the type who will normally do the dishes when they’re there or do the laundry if I have the chance because I enjoy living in a clean and tidy home. My wife however won’t seem to care most days and if I ask her to throw loads of laundry in, it’s usually met with a grumble and an exasperated sigh - even if it’s the only thing I’ve asked her to do all week. She might say something about being busy with work that day or something (she works from home here and there) which I know to be complete BS as most days she ends up watching Netflix with her laptop open.

Do I continue to own my shit around the house without her owning hers? Leaving it feels passive aggressive to me. Appreciate any insight from the more seasoned members who might be in a similar situation - both of us working full time, etc.

Post Information
Title How do you balance chore play vs owning your shit?
Author CapableConfidence
Upvotes 23
Comments 49
Date 10 December 2019 11:51 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
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[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando40 points41 points  (9 children) | Copy

I used to care about the house being clean. I used to do laundry, scrub the floors, scrub the toilets, wash the fucking crap from the grout on the shower tiles, dust the fucking blinds, etc ad fucking nauseum. I could spend a whole day at the weekend just cleaning because I thought it was important to have a clean house. I also prided myself on being a great cook and prepped all the meals.. not just any oul meal, but gourmet shit.. it had to be fucking gourmet.

When I found MRP, I started to question this - why was I the one doing all the work? Why wasn't she digging in and helping out? Why did she think it was OK to sit on her ass and finger fucking her phone while I mopped the floor around her feet?

Why? I couldn't figure that one out at the time but I decided that it was time to LEAD. I had the discussion, I gave her responsibilities, delegated chores, set expectations, etc. It was time for her to pull up her big girl socks and get to work.

Did she do them?

Did she fuck.

I got a week of hysterical cleaning, then nothing. Back to finger fucking Facebook.

Over the course of MRP Year 1, I stopped giving a fuck about the house being clean and focused on my own shit - my business, my fitness, my goals, my social life, my hobbies. I was hardly ever home and when I was, cleaning and cooking was the last thing on my mind. The house was probably a fucking dump - I honestly can't remember.. I had bigger fish to fry.

Over the course of that year, things began to change... miraculosly, she discovered where the oven was - and how to use it, the laundry basket - which used to be constantly full - was empty every evening, the floors started to look cleaner, the toilets were being scrubbed, etc, etc ad fucking nauseum.

These days, I do very little around the house - if there's a mess, I'll tidy it up, if the kids are hungry, I'll cook them something, but everything else, she does and does it quite happily. She even bakes me treats to bring into the office.

Why? As I said earlier, I couldn't figure this one out at the time but now I know it comes down to two things - leadership and respect.

By leadership, I don't mean that you take up the mantle and do everything in an effort to 'show her how it's done'. She's not fucking stupid - she knows how it's done. She just doesn't respect you enough to do it for you because you are a failure - you have failed first and foremost to lead yourself, so you cannot lead her or your family.

A woman cannot respect a man who does not lead himself.

A woman cannot respect a man who puts her first.

A woman cannot respect a man who spends his days cleaning the fucking house.

And a woman who cannot respect her man will do little or nothing for him - she might cook, she might suck, she might fuck, but it will be the bare minimum and none of it will be done with any genuine desire to please him. She's just doing it to stop your fucking moaning and passive agressiveness.

But if you are leading - and leading from the front, you have more important things to do than household chores. You have a mission, you have goals, you have a social life, you have hobbies, you have a body that women fucking drool over.

A woman can respect a man like that, and when she does, she will cook for him, clean for him, then suck and fuck his cock - all done with gusto and a cute little smile as she seeks your approval and says things like, 'is that OK for you Daddy?', ' did you like that Daddy?'

So, back to your question.. how do you balance chore play against owning your shit?

Simple answer - you don't.

[–]redwall921 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Simple answer - you don't.

There is no spoon.

[–]RedPillGlasses2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy

Maybe you just got hotter and she was scared to lose you.

[–]i-am-the-prize1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

"just" no.

"contributing factor" absolutely. Dread and the 1000' of rope only work if you hare a desirable high(er) SMV man. Period.

But Frame is King. and being self-first, owning his shit and not focusing on her - he held Frame.

[–]RedPillGlasses1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Why don’t you let him answer faggot

[–]i-am-the-prize2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

  • A woman cannot respect a man who does not lead himself.
  • A woman cannot respect a man who puts her first.
  • A woman cannot respect a man who spends his days cleaning the fucking house.
  • RPG gets touchy when he doesn't get laid in the morning

[–]RedPillGlasses1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

doesn’t get laid in the morning

It’s true. Are you volunteering to help me out?

[–]i-am-the-prize2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

you're too amog for me big boi

(PS: nice fogging)

[–]RedPillGlasses2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

It’s harder to do in real life, not gonna lie

[–]RoccoPinkman0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I don’t know why this doesn’t have way more upvotes. Have one from me! Pretty much nailed my situation.

[–]innominating18 points19 points  (2 children) | Copy

Lead a discussion. Give her responsibilities. Delegate chores to her. Set expectations. Take responsibilities for yourself. Mutually agree to do your part. Hold yourself accountable. Hold her accountable.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret25 points26 points  (1 child) | Copy

That sounds an awful lot like leadership.

[–]RedPillGlasses3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Tell her if she doesn’t do the laundry you’re going to replace her.

Only slightly smile when you say it.

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"14 points15 points  (12 children) | Copy

Dr. David Schnarch has insightful feedback on the subject. He talks about our juxtaposed desires, missions, goals, and needs, and how we all - in a relationship - whether good or bad - are fighting for our own.

Your own, her own, my own, their own - they may be quite different and discordant. Learn that (1) it's reality, plain and simple, and (2) you can, with the right efforts, more effectively navigate that reality.

It's certainly about "leading" as others have said, but it's - significantly - about better understanding those whom you are tasked with leading as well.

Since day one in this shit hole I have been particularly intrigued by the "basic instructions" and their many iterations, nuances, and differences; those "basics" can be interpreted a million different ways, result in a million different outcomes, and work or not based on a million different variations, some as simple as the timing of the day, the chill in the air, or the color of the sky.

I think that simply "leading" is a largely ineffective directive for most. It's nebulous. Ambiguous. Open to a myriad of interpretations.

Until you understand both the mechanics of what it is to lead and the motivations of whom you are leading, you're likely operating blind, aka 99% of the dumb-ass askmrp douchebags who prefer spoonfed flintstones vitamins to real-world, often painful, big-boy experience.

p.s. I just noticed that half the responses are mysteriously down-voted to zero. That can only (likely) mean one thing: you are doing the down-voting, you are an asshole, your insecurities are second-to-none, your wife is absolutely aware of these insecurities, these insecurities have been your downfall, and, most importantly, you suck.

You up-vote that which you like. You down-vote that which you don't.

You are a weak, spineless, cowardly asshole.

I imagine it's possible that I'm wrong and your enthralling post has brought out hordes of admirers who are down-voting on your behalf, but I doubt it, dick.

As such, the answer to your gay-boy question lies not in better understanding the fundamentals of your family's dish-washing, but instead, in why you feel compelled to down-vote like that.

It's a significant personality trait.

It's surprisingly telling.

It's pathetic.

Like you.


[–]tspitsatgp1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

The thing I love the most about my life turning into a dumpster fire, and then having to slowly rebuild it, is the level of introspection it brings. I never used to give two shits about this sort of stuff, now I find it fascinating.

The vast majority of people who come here (myself included) are dancing monkeys, though they would deny it. Or crabs in the bucket. Only a small percentage will actually transcend the dancing monkey stage and truly become their own mental point of origin (and then sustain it long-term).

[–]RedPillGlasses0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I would just leave it as a dumpster fire, it’s more interesting that way.

[–]tspitsatgp0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I have other more interesting things to do.

[–]amalgamator1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

David Schnarch is one of my favorite authors. My favorite book of his is Intimacy and Desire which is unfortunately out of print, but it’s so good. I also really enjoyed Brain Talk.

[–]Red-Nerd134 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Cancel Netflix...

[–]Majormikeoz4 points5 points  (8 children) | Copy

cancel netflix. If her watching endless bullshit has become more important than cleaning up and looking after you.... Well, cancel the fucking thing. You want a partner in your relationship and life... not a passive agressive resentful toddler who gets pissed at being asked to do a simple thing

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando8 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy

Cancelling Netflix is acting like a passive agressive toddler who is resentful that their simple requests are not being carried out. It's throwing the toys out of the pram and it's missing the point entirely.

[–]mrpmonk-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

It could be passive aggressive but could it be done overtly as consequences? For example: "look honey, I am canceling Netflix for the next month. The last thing I want to do is to pay for a service that takes time off the important work I want to see in our relationship"

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

The guy has been here for less than a week.

He's been married for 10 years.

By his own admission, he's a fat fuck with zero frame, doesn't recognise shit tests, holds grudges against his wife, doesn't lift and doesn't have a mission. And that's just the stuff he is telling us. The hole is always deeper.

His wife had hoped that she was marrying a man of worth. Someone who would lead her, bring her on adventures, make her pussy wet and fuck her into oblivion.

Instead, she has been looking at him for the last ten years, getting fatter, getting lazier, going nowhere in life. Every day, she is watching her life and her dreams slowly die and fade away.

Now - all of a sudden - he's woken up and decided that it's time for him to lead and he wants her to start cleaning.

What's he gonna do? Lay down the law? Cancel Netflix if she doesn't jump on board his newly made ship made of paper?

Da fuck she's getting on that ship.

So yeah, do it overtly, subvertly or convertly - it doesn't matter a shit. She has zero interest in fucking him or cleaning his fucking house and that is on him.

[–]mrpmonk0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Damn, this is such a holistic view. OP, please go learn the alphabet before you write your poem.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I never once bitched, ever doing as much as I did and I have always done about 2/3 of the work, even working 12-16 hour days, with the exception of cooking.

Once I read NMMNG and WISNIFG, I just did literally my laundry and some of the kids thrown in with mine.

I fucking hate it, but there are times when the house is completely upside down and her laundry, and shit she has touched looks like world war 7 happened, but I don’t give an f.

Do it if it needs to be done and it’s common. But don’t carry the oldest teen in the house.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

It's all about your frame.

You decide what you think is reasonable and right and expedient according to your worldview, OYS on the tasks you've assigned to yourself, and lead your family to do their parts while giving them ownership, which includes the freedom to suffer the mess or consequences if they fail.

[–]JoeBuckYourslf1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

I do everything as if I were single. It’s my house, ain’t it?

My wife always follows. My guess is that if yours isn’t following is that you aren’t owning your shit in other areas.

What’re your stats? Have you posted them before?

[–]RedPillGlasses0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

He’s either skinny-fat or fat-fat

[–]DroppinSumEaves0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

She grumbles and sighs but does she still do what you ask? And if she does it well do you reinforce good behavior?

If yes to both, then why do you give a fuck?

Better, what chores does your wife hate? No one likes chores, so what chores doesn't she mind doing?

My wife hates dishes but she will do them if she has to with plenty of grumbling but I'm fine with it and a bit obsessive about having a clean kitchen. I hate laundry but she's fine with it and much faster at it, but I'll do it if I have to. Guess what, I do majority of dishes and she does majority of laundry (well kids do both as well). Not that hard.

Stop overthinking. You're making shit way too hard.

[–]mrpthrowa0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's all in your head.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Why are you cleaning up after your wife?

You should be cleaning up after yourself. Maybe cleaning up after your kids (because they’re children). Don’t clean up after an adult.

Nothing passive aggressive about that.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Be passive aggressive.

Do your dishes and laundry but no one else’s.

Thats what I do.

[–]Rock_Granite2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Pretty funny response actually. How is it working for you?

[–]so_woke_da_wookie-3 points-2 points  (0 children) | Copy

“I’m the type who will normally do the dishes when they’re there or do the laundry if I have the chance because I enjoy living in a clean and tidy home.”

You’re quiet the catch it seems.

“Do I continue to own my shit around the house without her owning hers? “

No. Definitely not. You want to let it all slide to know, like the rest if your life.

This sub is all about that. You know, like it lays out in the sidebar?

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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