The Red Pill has turned me into a complete asshole who is incapable of having a secure lifestyle or female friends for the last five or six years. The only reason I stayed in the movement so long was because if I admitted to myself that I was wrong, there would have been a massive sunk cost fallacy involved.

Without going into specific details, I drunk texted a fantastic woman last night in an attempt to one up one of my male friends, who I perceived to be some type of "alpha." I had drunk texted her several times in the past, and when my name shows up on her phone, I know she's not happy to see it. We had very similar personalities and have had to face similar struggles in the past, and we had similar senses of humor. She was truly an asset to my life and I didn't realize it until she finally wouldn't accept my hungover apology. I'm disgusted.

I had several posts on the sub with over 700 upvotes, and the truth is, I lied in every single one of them. None of my advice had worked for myself, and was honestly a way to throw out my opinion and see if people agreed. But I lied for the ethos. I suspect many "EC's" and "one or two pointers" also lie when giving real world examples. With people who tend to think in hierarchies, you will find they will lie and do anything to be one of the most validated members of the group.

One of the most toxic aspects of the Pill in my opinion is that there will always be someone who has more "alpha" traits than the piller. This means they will never be considered "good enough" to themselves and creates a recurring loop of insecurities.

To fix these insecurities, I would "larp" just about every day. I would try different types of alpha and attempt to emulate some of my favorite "alpha" celebrities. As a result, my true personality hasn't developed since 9th grade, when I found trp. I am immature and only seek physical pleasures.

The most exhausting part to me, however, is that instead of just having a good time and then forgetting about it, I would always be overanalyzing how I'm doing. "Am I acting like an attractive guy? Was that a good agree and amplify?" This is incredibly cringy behavior and I'm devastated because I know people have picked up on me trying too hard and not told me about it.

All my friends I'm either "better than" or see them as secret enemies. I hate myself for being so toxic, especially to the women my male friends are friends with. I can't apologize to them because, to be blunt, they wouldn't be alone in a room with me.

Furthermore, I found that I took myself extremely seriously since the 9th grade, and as a result I have missed out on six years of having fun and learning social skills naturally. Instead, I let people who have poor social skills tell me how to emulate them. The better I got at playing their game, the more I would be out of touch with society. I found out one of my best friend's parents were getting divorced, and internally I was happy because it would prove some points I made to him about marriage. I never explicitly mentioned "fight club," but had hinted to it on a macro scale.

I suspect I'm on the spectrum, and might be mildly autistic, or it could be due to the fact that I simply found the ideology at such an early age. But today I start the journey of learning how to act like a normal human being when my peers have six+ years on me.

It's going to be a long road ahead with plenty of setbacks and relapses. I'm going to try to make amends with whoever I can but the hardest part will be dealing with losing someone who I only now consider a good friend.