I began my "redpill" journey about two years ago, not necessarily on the aforementioned sub, but consuming the same type of ideology, stemming from the same place, but from different outlets like youtube, podcasts, etc. I've always carried very extreme "right" wing views, which I believe was a form of rebellion in my earlier teens. I have centralised on a lot of issues since and have majorly rearranged my focus towards seeking a solution that most makes sense to me in the context of how the world works, that doesn't cause harm to people and that is beneficial to me and/or others around me.

I would be a huge red flag for a redpill guy. I look good objectively and that's about all of my pluses as a woman, according to them, since intellect is not of interest, neither is character. Now let's point out the bad stuff.
I haven't always been super feminine. Some days I am, but some days I am a redpiller's worst nightmare - girl with combat boots and a loud mouth. I posses the oh-so-feared high N count, for a variety of reasons, but most to do with inability to connect with people/mental issues in my teens. Now let me point out something - I do believe a woman thrives best in a commited, LTR. This is not because I believe in the red pill, but because I have experienced and seen it with my own eyes. But as anything, this is not a "one size fits all" and there are most definitely women wired to accept or thrive single or outside of a committed relationship. I simply believe most women I know are happier in the longer run with a stable partner. But let's go on. I have cheated to a ex-LTR. I have been a smoker, I had "casual" alcoholism, I have abused party drugs at a point in my life and prescription at another. I have put men through various shit-tests, played with their feelings, engaged in FWB type of relationships. But you know what? I have changed. I have turned my life around, single-handedly and I am not ashamed to admit who I was. I am bearing my past to all judgement, because I know I have value beyond it, because what I DO defines me, how I TREAT others defines me, not how I used to treat them, not what I used to be. I am not what redpillers perceive as the "perfect" woman, the "marriage-worthy" woman, yet I have managed to find a husband who is objectively good-looking, hard-working, is not an abuser or a drug-user or anything of the sort. He is exactly what people over at r/RedPillWomen look for and yet, somehow, my imperfect, flawed, not entirely feminine red-flagged self caught him. How so? And I shall add, I did not lie to him. I knew my past could be a problem to some men, so I came clean in the first two weeks or so of our relationship. I sat him down and explained it all, the good, the bad, the worst. He decided he loved me despite all this. Why? Because he is human. He has made mistakes too. He can look past it, because he is in love with the person I am today, he fell in love with that person, not the person I was years ago. And I was completely upfront about it. Years later, we are still together, we have a happy, healthy child together to which we both tend to, me being a stay at home mom for the past year. Our views align, we do not have marriage problems stemming from my past, because I have worked on it, healed it and put it past me. The notion that one must avoid people because of their mental luggage or possible issues strikes me as extremely heartless. My husband is a good man and a great father to our child, but he has had the roughest time and grown up in one of the most dangerous countries in the world. He has been through hell and back, in many ways and those struggles are exactly what shaped him as a honest, tough and revered "alpha male". Should I discard him because of that? If the struggle can reform a man and make him stronger and more desirable, why doesn't the same principle apply for reformed women?

I will admit, though. In the beginning, this ideology got to me. It made me feel very worthless and minuscule as a person and I think this is one of its biggest problems - it somehow generalises and diminishes other people's life experiences, especially the morally grey ones (which are essential to learning and being human) by putting them into strict black or white categories. Don't get me wrong, I do not advise you to put yourself into situations you do not wish to be in, I simply am stating that life, relationships, your mental health, etc. - those things are not always going to be as static as you expect them to be, they will not always align to your views, ethics and your plans, despite your best efforts, because this is what human nature is. I am saddened that so many women like me probably feel like they are "damaged goods" because of their past mistakes, despite the fact that they want to or have changed for the better, they still find these forums and people who tell them they have already "lost the war" or "hit the wall" in search of a good, mature, capable man. That is bullshit, ladies and what especially irks me is that I mostly agree with some good points on there, such as the notion none of us are born perfect or "perfect just the way we are", we must always strive to get better in our personal, financial, emotional, physical aspects - I do agree with that. I also am very supportive of finding the proper dynamic to a relationship, being in control of your emotions, being a good listener, etc. - all things they advocate for. But the rest is just quite hypocritical, to be honest. For example - how can a man be encouraged, even congratulated for "spinning plates" or basically "creating" more "sluts", having a high N count. But a woman is shunned, despised and discarded as a trash human being because of the same exact thing that they not only encourage for the other gender, but actively participate in? It baffles me. Not because one must be in favour of casual sex. But exactly in case one is not. Isn't it only logical that if you are against it, you would not encourage it in general, regardless of gender? I mean the possible negative results, such as a lack of emotional connection do not affect men the same, according to redpill (I can argue with that... just like porn desensitises men, I believe excessive sex can do that to both genders), STI's and possible unwanted pregnancy affect both men and women, not just women. So by extension this should be "undesirable" for men too, shouldn't it? This is just a small example of the raging hypocrisy and selective morality on there. It might seem obvious to some of you, but I'm writing it on the off-chance that even one girl deemed as "unworthy" finds it and realises she has been fed a bullshit, cookie-cutter narrative about her own life, her own story which belongs to and is ought to be narrated by no one but herself.

Edit: I am sorry to anyone who felt I was snowflaking/trying to sound unique with this. I simply figured the title would sound catchy like this. But this is not mu intention, I just wanted to share my story and discuss with like-minded individuals (for which I’m thankful to anyone who joined the conversation)