Had an awful relapse & am now uncomfortable in my relationship

TheMadWoodcutter · 2019-03-19T11:56:01+00:00

I've cried in front of my wife plenty of times, and it's only ever brought us closer together. If a woman pulls away from you when you express emotional vulnerability, that's a sign of immaturity in HER, not in you.

Emotional vulnerability is critically necessary for healthy intimate relationships, from both partners. If she draws closer to you when you open yourself up, you've got a good woman. Otherwise you need to rethink your relationship.

All that bullshit like holding frame and being hyper masculine does is reinforce emotional wounds and prevent real, actual growth and maturity from happening. It'll get you nowhere in the long run.

sarah-goldfarb · 2019-03-19T12:28:22+00:00

Congratulations! You're in a happy and healthy relationship with someone you love, who loves you back. It's something to be happy about.

My boyfriend cries around me all the time. It makes me feel LUCKY that I get to be the person that he opens up to like that. It makes me feel closer to him. It makes me feel special that he shares his feelings with me. It lets me know how important his feelings are. If someone really cares about you, they want to be the shoulder that you cry on.

Don't let TRP destroy your happiness.

trojan25nz · 2019-03-19T11:54:05+00:00

Being emotionally vulnerable in a new relationship can be scary, but is a common experience for many people

So responses to this can be good, bad, or just something else, either from the person exposing their vulnerability or the person witnessing it

You can mitigate the risk that comes with being vulnerable by talking to her, and yourself trying to stay aware of your partners current feelings. This step avoids a lot of problems that can come from not communicating your needs to one another

It is hard to stay aware of her feelings if you're listening to random dudes on the internet make assumptions about her thoughts; this person who they've literally never met in real life.

If you can try and focus on your relationship, and ignore all the outside interference, hopefully you will come to the conclusion that talking to her is your only real pathway to approaching a solution you both will be fine with

raziphel · 2019-03-19T14:48:40+00:00

Sounds like you're afraid of her leaving you, so you're pre-emptively pulling away?

Trust yourself, trust her. One can have neither love nor trust without actual vulnerability. If she leaves because you have feelings? Then she's not the right person for you. Everyone has feelings, and yours as just as valid as anyone else's.

I've had my share of breakups, but never from this. Things like this make relationships stronger.

What I would suggest is finding ways to communicate your feelings more effectively and constructively, with words. Learn to investigate the root causes of those feelings (as opposed to the triggers) and communicate those issues constructively, with yourself as much as anyone else.

BabeOfBlasphemy · 2019-03-20T03:05:54+00:00

I never understood this stupid red pill idea that women don't like emotion. Have you ever seen how chicks sweat musicians? They spend their entire teenage years chasing down prissy feminine looking guys, fantasizing about being with men that have such deep emotion they are driven to create art. Do you REALLY think Justin Beiber, Bruno Mars, N Sync, O Town, Michal Jackson and all these freaky ass boy bands or front men were wanted for how fucking masculine they are?!? LOL Have you even SEEN the dudes women went nuts over in the 70s and 80s? They looked like total cross dressing homos. Here's a clue: Stop asking dudes what women want, they do not know because they aren't women. Try asking ACTUAL WOMEN what women want, they would know better than guys.

Barneysparky · 2019-03-19T12:23:39+00:00

Music is a good way of expressing feelings we are grappling with.

So she's starting to have deep feelings, but not quite there where she can say it. Much like you.

sanzako4 · 2019-03-19T15:58:06+00:00

You are scared about being emotional. It's understandable. You can retreat and close that door or you can embrace it. Maybe one option is more comfortable for now, maybe it's more safe, but I have heard being open with your feelings and having someone to share them is awesome. You still have to find the correct girl, and it seems you have found her. See if that's truth, and if not, her loss.

My boyfriend is much more open to me that I am to him. I have never seen him cry, but I don't think that would make me love him less.

I find him being open with his feelings and emotions as a sign of strength I have to learn from, not weakness.

BlueAscetic · 2019-03-19T20:55:54+00:00

You didn't fuck up for showing how you truly feel. You're fucking up in not acknowledging how you feel.

You're a human being. You have feelings, both avoidant and loving. Desirous of a close, intimate relationship with someone you're thoroughly attracted to, but also afraid that intimacy will devolve, self-destruct, or not be what you expect or truly want (aka consequences).

This could be a huge learning experience for you. I'm a female, but I'm also of the avoidant type. What I've learned in my long-term relationship (5 years now) is to take those moments of fear and look to myself for why I'm afraid. Does it remind me of something that happened in childhood? How does that anxiety feel? Usually my "relapse" is going into jealous, then anger towards my partner for imagined transgressions or betrayals, whether with another person or just something he said or did that made me feel slighted.

I personally love it when my boyfriend cries in front of me. He hasn't done it often, just when his best friend passed and when we broke up once.

If you have an aware, human girlfriend, she will understand that you have emotions. It's a turn-on, despite what TRP says about women. If your girlfriend does not accept you as you are, she is not fully human. Human being on the path of self-awareness, on the path of understanding herself and accepting of people in general. We will live with people until we die - if she can't accept your perfectly authentic human emotion, she is not fit for you or to be in a relationship with anyone until she CAN accept emotion. It sounds like she can, if she herself is "emotional."

Both men and women have emotions. It's just a fact. Society is the one who has programmed men to not show they have emotions, and made it hard to express themselves. The more you express yourself, your deep truths, the greater your life will become. Not TRP bullshit.

Luvagoo · 2019-03-20T01:13:24+00:00

My partner is quite a stereotypical manly dude and is super emotional in front of me, inc crying. He tells me his deepest thoughts, his darkest and most raw emotions. I do the same. We are a team.

This is what human interaction is and should be. It is just... unspeakably horrific that some men like you are conditioned to the point where they think this us abnormal, gross and scary. They are literally missing out on life.

I hope you understand this one day.

Yesm3can · 2019-03-20T14:23:42+00:00

I am going to give a slightly different answer. I am one of those person who do not feel comfortable seeing adults (of both genders) showing vulnerability in front of me. Though I am trying to change that.

However, I made this shit clear to my husband, even before we got too close, even before we became boyfriend-girlfriend.

I can handle taking over being main breadwinner if my husband ever fell into pit of depression, I can take care when he eventually deteriorates so much that he'd be confined into a wheelchair (he has disability), I will do almost everything for him, even going so far as to helping him with assisted suicide, if he ever wanted it. Eventhough it will break my heart and put me into jail. I love him that much.

However, I really am not the one for vulnerability stuffs. I was raised in a family where certain emotions are being seen as weakness and are not permitted.

What I want to tell you OP, is that even if your GF turned out to be someone who cannot stand adults being vulnerable in front of her, if she loves you, she loves you. She may not act like how a person who is comfortable with a show of human vulnerability may act, but she won't lose respect or love for you.

The men and women who leave their partners for being vulnerable? I don't think their love is that deep and serious in the first place.

mjeleon · 2019-03-20T15:55:22+00:00

Female, 27, in a relationship for a couple of years now. My boyfriend is not a very emotional person- due to the way he grew up and things that happened in his life (and to a degree that's just how he is). But every once in a while, when something is really bothering him, he opens up and becomes vulnerable. It's in those moments that I feel some of the strongest love and appreciation for him, because I know that it takes a lot for him to trust someone to that extent, and I love that he trusts me. Moments of emotional honesty and vulnerability have always strengthened my feelings for him.

I think to a degree it's always frightening to be so honest and vulnerable with someone, even without TRP context and history. I am an extremely emotional person- when I'm angry or frustrated it always comes out as tears, which makes me feel humiliated or exposed sometimes. It's scary to reveal that part of yourself for fear of being labeled unmasculine (in your case), or hysterical/fragile/whiny (in mine). But every time I'm having a an outburst of emotion, my boyfriend always reassures me that it's okay to express myself however I need to, it's okay to cry, and he stays by my side- despite the fact that he is not a super emotional person. He has never made me feel like he's uncomfortable or uncaring, even if he doesn't have the same emotional response as me. A healthy relationship means that both of you can be vulnerable, because you have trust in each other.

In general (and this is my own and my female friends' opinion, so YMMV), if I'm attracted to a guy, there's nothing more appealing than seeing him be emotionally vulnerable. Again, I see it as a powerful display of his trust in me. And if he showers me with compliments and tells me how much he loves me... I mean, who doesn't like feeling loved and appreciated by someone they care about? There are lots of examples of guys (including celebrities, if you want very visible examples) who appear to be very "traditionally masculine", and yet are completely devoted to their wives, and post often about their love and devotion in public! On social media! The kind of behavior immature school children would refer to as "whipped". Yet it doesn't take away from their masculinity. You can be masculine and vulnerable, masculine and affectionate, masculine and loving.

If you are with a woman who rejects you because you're too emotional, that says more about her character than yours. It means that she doesn't love you and appreciate you in the same way, and that she has her own emotional immaturities to work through. That's not the kind of person you want to keep in your life anyway.

rrroqitsci · 2019-03-19T12:14:36+00:00

If the two of you are sharing emotions now, that’s a good thing. Now would be a good time to take charge, like a man, 😉 and up your sex game.

Title	Had an awful relapse & am now uncomfortable in my relationship
Author	monsieur_BEAN
Upvotes	16
Comments	42
Date	March 19, 2019 11:38 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/b2wcb1/had_an_awful_relapse_am_now_uncomfortable_in_my/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/had-an-awful-relapse-am-now-uncomfortable-in-my.299840 https://theredarchive.com/post/299840