I just wanted to share my story with some of you lads, as some of you are a bit worried that you'll pick a woman and she'll cheat on you.

I've never cheated on my partner of 4-5 years. We broke up a couple times in that time frame, and I slept with people during that break up time, as did he.

But, I will admit I had crushes on multiple men during our relationship. There are many reasons I engaged in "fantasy relationships" while I was already in a committed relationship, but I won't go into details for respect of my partner. Basically, I was unhappy, wasn't being treated very well (and of course, I didn't treat him the greatest in return), and wasn't healthy enough to just leave. Just admit there was something wrong with the relationship. In reality, I thought I had a problem, which I do and I'll explain that below.

If I ever cheated on my partner, that would be wholly and completely on me. I have abandonment issues, I didn't have a dad growing up, and my step-dad was abusive. When I see videos or stories or reality of loving fathers who treat their daughters like the light of their life, I completely and absolutely do not relate. I don't even know what being adored by your father would feel like, not close. I'm sure some of you can relate to that. I didn't realize until recently that maybe I look for my father in the faces of men I meet, or some of them. There's a theory that we do this, and I partially agree with it. So, if I ever formed an attachment to another man, or tried to, it would be from my wounds rather than what I actually wanted and desired.

Basically, my issues with men aren't purely biological in a sexual sense. I have a traumatized brain, as most of us do. Most of us have attachment issues, PTSD regarding relationships, and an unhealthy sense of self and other. This is exciting for me to figure out at such a young age, and something I've shared with my on-again-off-again partner recently. I admitted to him that I've had crushes, that I have what pseuo-science calls "love addiction" as well as "love avoidance." He was okay with it. We talk all the time about possibly breaking up again because it's okay to break up. It sucks, but it's okay, if it's for the betterment of both people. I tell him I want him to be happy, and if he chooses to experience a relationship with someone more healthy, I will be sad but would prefer that over staying with me. Now I can choose to heal; to choose and respect and not abandon myself for a fantasy of what I don't have and don't actually want. I never actually wanted those other men, they were just distractions to temporarily soothe my mind into thinking I could be loved unconditionally as I hadn't been in my childhood.

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Anyway, there's my vulnerability. I've been on this subreddit in and out because I care about men and women getting along and connecting. Although there is toxicity, greater awareness of our flaws and a desire for healthy growth can alter those toxic relationships and beliefs about the opposite sex and of ourselves.