Using throwaway account for this one. I've never really posted before but I don't know where else to go.

In high school I was, like presumably a lot of young guys, self-conscious about not having sex. I never official considered myself a part of the "manosphere", though I was always aware of it and knew what it was about. I tried NoFap for a period of time, however. I dated, but I never slept with anyone. When I got to college, still a virgin, I became friends with a group of guys that subtly fed me red-pill ideology. And, wanting to get laid, I followed their advice. I read books on pick-up artistry as well as the 48 Laws of Power, and fell into a dark place. My drug abuse and pick-up artistry got me into trouble and I knew then that I had to leave and reevaluate my life.

There is a lot that I'm still unsure about. While these so-called friends certainly egged me on and brought the worst out of me, I cannot blame them for what I did. After all, it was my desire for companionship and respect from my male peers that led me down that hateful path (and after learning about narcissistic abuse, their desire to feel powerful by treating me like a younger brother). I've since cut myself off from those guys, quit using drugs and taken some time off from college. My therapist has helped me a lot and I'm now medicated for depression. I don't have a lot of friends and I'm lonely as shit but I'd rather be lonely than fall back into my old ways and hurt people even more. And, reading feminist literature and subbing to r/MensLib has helped point me in the right direction, though getting to a point where I actually feel comfortable with myself seems impossible sometimes. I'm often too afraid to speak out for women's issues and against campus assault given my past--what if someone who knew about what I'd done saw me at a protest, speaking out against actions that I myself had perpetrated?

It's hard for me to come to terms with my sociopathic and abusive behavior. Knowing that I hurt many people I was close to makes me want to curl up in a ball and never show my face in public again. I don't want to think that I'm too far gone to change and become a person capable of having normal, loving relationships--but I can't bear to let people IRL know about what I did. When I read that everyone can change and be forgiven I don't believe it because I went so far down the rabbit hole that my actions feel irredeemable. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to overcome this guilt. If anyone can offer how they've coped with their actions it would be very helpful for me. Maybe the best I can do is to stop others from taking TRP like I did.

Edit: edited to remove some potentially triggering details