Hello! I'm a recent sub, but I've been actively reflecting over and reading its content. I really appreciate and value r/exredpill's honest conversation and therapy of it's bigger, meaner, sexist alter ego. Anyway, here's what I've come to tell and reflect about.

TL;DR Propped up by New Atheism, illusioned by TRP and Alt-Right in becoming a Purple Pill/Alt-Lite. Strategy crashed and burn when trying to be a PUA. Changed my perspective on life, shed my Alt-Lite life, now am a proud Leftist.

I've been an ex-Red Piller (I guess purple pill?) probably for 3 years now, give or take a month. I wasn't at all involved in posting in TRP or any manosphere forums/outlets, but I was heavily influenced by and subscribed to its ideology in late middle school and early high school. Personally, at that time I (quietly and feebly) espoused some of their beliefs, such as a vehement rejection of third wave feminism, promotion of "Men's Rights" (i.e. child custody), free speech advocacy, and the male double standard (gendered insults "dick" vs. "cunt/pussy", domestic/relationship violence (man hitting woman vs. woman hitting man), and false sexual harassment/violence accusations).

I even agreed with some right-wing view points such as All Lives Matter/Blue Lives Matter, Race Realism/The Bell Curve (I'm Hispanic btw), but fundamentally professed that "sexual dimorphism" accounted for the inherent, natural inequality of the sexes. Of course, me mentioning that biological concept clearly hints at my biggest influencer: Thunderf00t. Then curling up with the endless YouTube channels promoting videos with titles such as "Watch [insert conservative commentator/New Atheist advocate] DESTROY [feminism/feminist advocate/SJW] with [LOGIC/FACTS]". Hell, I even agreed with Bill Burr's comedy segments plastered over the manosphere. Looking back, and knowing what Burr has said before that he's a "fucking idiot", I'm not sure why I took his vulgar comedy segments as a serious message. Yeah, I mean maybe there's an iota of truth in women marrying sports celebrities for their wealth, but that's probably because of having a flawed character, not an inherent societal issue indicative of male oppression (whatever that means).

I think I was the most influenced by Thunderf00t for his credentials and reputation in the "skeptic" community. A Ph.D. chemist who built up his skeptic rep through "Why do People Laugh at Creationists" series? Count me in! Looking back, it was a back-and-forth relationship with his channel, Sargon of Akkad, Bill Burr, Bearing, The Amazing Atheist, Undoomed, and Cult of Dusty (Dusty being the lone survivor of my coming-of-age atheism to the present day).

Anyway, gradually my "New Atheist" heroes/advocates were guiding and gearing me towards the right. Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins with their anti-third wave feminism and somewhat subjective and implicit Islamophobia. Thunderf00t with his obsession with Anita Sarkeesian and the entirety of Feminism, though I retained some respect when he came out against Brexit and Trump, but ultimately lost the last of my respect with his commentary on the "Google Manifesto" (more on that later). Sargon of Akkad with the same, except in favor of Brexit and Trump, in particular nationalist tendencies. Bill Burr after coming to realization he calls himself a "fucking idiot" who "people shouldn't listen to" for his "Feminism REKT" videos, and that he's a fucking comedian lol. Bearing after being against an Australian proposition to put the legality of gay marriage on a popular vote (correct me if I'm wrong). The Amazing Atheist for being so anti-Hillary and giving Trump a pass, also engorging on anti-SJW/Feminism videos. Undoomed..you see a pattern here? And of course all those fuckers who belch "MUH FREEZE PEACH"

Cult of Dusty is different since, yes, you can find the faults in him from the past or currently, but out of the overwhelming majority of the YouTube skeptic community. He's one of the very few who has remained consistent in his atheist principles without caving in to popular demand on Feminism and Alt-Right, and now of course, Jordan Peterson. I'm glad he kept true to himself, although a bit crazy at times. I guess you could consider him the cool uncle I never had.

At this point I was somewhat comfortable with my New Atheism/Alt-Lite/Red Pill beliefs, and decided to shed some of my "insight" in conversations with friends or classroom discussions. Needless to say, the reception was poor. A very friendly teacher of mine was baffled when I said that "*some injustice I don't recall* was as bad as claiming rape after a night of bad sex". She gave me a guffawed look, and exclaimed "What!?" Which I then darted my eyes to the floor and never spoke of, or like, that again.

This culminated in me putting Red Pill PUA strategies to use right after HS graduation in trying to hook up with this attractive, yet attainable classmate. She leaned mildly conservative, which should have been a red flag (among many prominent others, like my beliefs at the time), but I guess that was part of allure aside from the fact we had mutual respect for one another. At that time I was frustrated being a beta (according to TRP). I was a nerd that was liked for being amiable, but also lightly mocked for my rectitude (I felt that I was more serious r/iamverysmart), yet I was personally frustrated for not being able to fuck around in exchange for my reputation. Basically I wanted to be a jock in nerd's clothing.

So a week after graduation came by, and I decided to do the deed. We went to nearby park, she brought her dog, and walked and talked to get a feel for things. I chatted her up to make her more receptive to my proposition. I vaguely remember talking about the aftermath of HS fresh on our minds, then something serious about religion before we detoured to her friends house. I was starting fidget, but kept my cool, rerunning the possible scenarios in my mind, replaying Bill Burr's assertions, TRP's advice, and recalling my favorite porn so far. Anyway, we get to talking about the hot stuff, what would you look for in a sexual partner, and she's being conservative about it (leaning towards abstinence/commitment), but I somehow ignore that admission. I don't remember my response, but I said something along the lines of FWB kinda thing. Keep in mind we're still walking towards her house, I have ample time to ditch doing the deed, but my dumbass keeps hold of it. We get there, and I'll try to quote the exchange to the best of my memory:

HER: "Well she's waiting for me, thanks me the walk, we should hang out later." (She ties her dog in the shade next to the stairs).

ME: "No problem, hey, would you mind getting me some water, it's kinda hot out here haha"

HER: "Yeah"

(2 mins later)

ME: "Thanks for the water. Hey, wait, can I tell you something?"

HER: "Yeah..?"

ME: "I would bang ya tbh"

HER: "What!?"

ME: "Yeah, I would bang ya, ya'know? You're hot with a plump little ass like that!"

HER: "Ew, no, what the fuck?"

ME: "Well, can I at least get a smack of dat ass instead?"

HER: "You know what, you're really disrespecting me right now. Just go."

ME: "Y'know you can take this water bottle back if that makes you feel better."

HER: "Just leave, just go."

I try to pet the dog on the way out and give it some water, but it cowers away. Even the dog knows I fucked up.

Boom, I did it...and it crashed and burned. Everything I thought and was taught, dissipated, gone. It was shameful, it still is, and this still haunts me to this day. I potentially sexually harassed someone, a former classmate, and stunted my ambitious psyche for the next two years. To add insult to injury, I sent an apology/regretful text that an hour after, begging for forgiveness. A year later, thinking I had sufficiently matured, I sent a conciliatory text again thinking maybe I could make amends at laugh it off together some future day.

She responds by mocking my attempt, then pouring the rage she didn't that day. Long story short, she said my apology was pitiful and that I only cared about my reputation. That I was beyond stupid to assume I just ruined her day, instead I affected her intimately. She forgives, but never forgets. She forgave me for my behavior that day, but not to make amends, instead to end our contact then and there. My (actual) friends said doing that was a mistake on top of my terrible act, and I agree. As I look back, she's doing better now, especially since I'm not in the picture anymore, just wish I was better to be there when it was taken.

I've shuddered twice writing a recount of what happened that day. Yes, I was willing to take no for answer. No, I was not going to coerce her to do my bidding. Since then, I began to shed light on my deplorable presumptions. Starting from The Red Pill, the Alt-Lite, and finally *New* Atheism. I still identify as an atheist, and appreciate secularism in our lives, but I've waned my militarism and intolerance because of it. Let's just say I recognize that the New Atheism-Alt Lite-Alt Right pipeline exists.

Now, in the present, I've renounced my Alt-Lite agenda, whatever little it was. I am more tolerant, more humble, and more empathetic to others.

I've accepted religious beliefs as our mainstream. Although I'm still atheist, I've been comfortable going to a Hispanic church and befriending long-time members there. Even (ironically) teaching Sunday School. I'm aware of the limitations of both the Bible and Humankind, so I press the students to exercise their minds to come with solid explanations themselves. In one instance, analyzing the Lord's Prayer to identify it's meaning. Basically a mesh of Literature and Philosophy 101.

I've accepted my immense intellectual ignorance, so I'm deliberate, precise, and informed in my opinions. I continuously research and learn adequately, so my opinions can resonate as a mesh of facts and insight, instead of a bag of hot, even putrid, air.

Finally, I've eschewed thinly veiled misogyny, racism, and unjust intolerance of any flavor. I ask profound questions instead of retaliating with insults. I am more curious than defensive. I try to understand an individual's story instead of pitting their anecdote against a prejudice, be it malignant or farcical.

Now for that Google Manifesto...Whenever the Google Manifesto came out, my immediate reaction was to find the screed, read it, and digest it for myself first. After finishing, I was plainly disgusted, and now that I'm reading Mencius Moldbug, originally a computer scientist now a neoreactionary (offhandedly commented here on TBP), I understand why these fucks didn't major in the Social Sciences: because they lack a certain level of empathy and a sensibility for education. In other words, they're fucking assholes.

With that, those are my concluding remarks. Thank you for reading this far! I appreciate all and any feedback/questions (Although that's probably a high expectation). I'll answer them when I can!