I'm a 27 year old woman that struggled with romance and sex most of her life. I was constantly called ugly and didn't date in high school, except for one or two dates with a guy I "friend-zoned".

I constantly got advice to improve my looks. Naturally, I thought this would improve my chances of having someone. I started college, so I kept my hair long and wore nice clothes. I would also flirt more than I did. That's when I started to get attention from guys and go on dates.

Unfortunately, none of this attention brought me a relationship. I was usually approached with sexual purposes but rarely for something more. I also was a virgin and scared to sleep with only to be dumped. I also started to normalize inappropriate behaviors by male. I accepted it when men tried to touch me or made sexual comments. I assumed that this is normal behavior so a woman needed to present herself like a lady to avoid being labeled a slut.

I finally met a guy in class. He was kinda shy so I did most of the approaching. We had things in common so it made nice conversations. I accepted to be his girlfriend because he was the only guy that paid attention to me in a serious way. I was very happy, but happiness faded quickly. I realized that I didn't really like him so I broke with him after two months.

Part of me thought that there was something inherently wrong with me. Another part of me started to fight to "improve" myself. At the time, I had hooked up with different guys (not while with my boyfriend) and discovered an interesting pattern: I didn't know how to say "no". If a guy looked good on paper, I would go on a "hook-up date", even if I wasn't attracted to him. I also broke a few hearts when some of my hook-ups ended up being interested in my for a relationship.

Despite having some guys interested in me for something more, I had constructed a narrative where I wasn't good enough so only men with no options pursued me.

One thing that bothered me is that I was still a virgin and was very ashamed to tell my hook ups. My girlfriends would tell me to be proud of myself for being a 20 something virgin. Men would raise their eyebrows, laugh at me or ask me questions as if they were looking for red flags. I was so obsessed with projecting the ideal image that I played both roles: the virgin and the slut. In my mind, men were unidimensional beings with the madonna whore syndrome. I played the good girl, used my sexuality to attract men and would also accept them when they had a long history of pumping and dumping and treating women like scum. It was normal. This is how men behaved, right?

I ended up dating and hooking up with men with girlfriends and wives, men who didn't want nothing from me. I also ignored men who were good to me dismissing their interest as an attempt to get into my pants.

I didn't know what the red pill was, but now that I've read it, I can see some parallels with my behaviors and what RPW preaches. I remember to tie my self-esteem to my ability to lock down "high quality" men. I would date them and hook up with them. I also ended up doing sexual stuff with guys just to feel good about myself.

When I turned 24, I started dating a successful men to whom I lost my virginity. The guy had a girlfriend and it's needless to say that we didn't date for too long. I slept with a few other guys after him and always ended up devastated. I felt like a slut and decided to keep my behavior in check. My promiscuity was probably the reason why men didn't want anything with me, I thought.

I went back to being the "good" girl. I didn't go out with anyone for a while. I was also trying to improve my femininity to be more attractive to guys. I stopped pursuing guys and took a passive role. I started to have guys approaching me for something serious and I was glad that keeping my "sluttiness" in check was giving me results. I was an honor for me that guys that pumped and dumped other women were pursuing me for something serious.

At some point, someone came along. I remembered by girlfriends' advice to not sleep with him right away so he didn't think I was easy. We went on a date were he tried to have sex with me. I was feeling disrespected, but decided to suck it up. It's normal because all men are like that, I said. It's a woman's job to prove her worthiness by denying sex. He kept literally begging me for sex and I ended up sleeping with him. That's when he told me "I find you more interesting because you didn't sleep with me right away". After he told me that, I started to be aware of how fucking bitter I was getting. Why should I show my worth to men that hold me to standards that they don't want to comply with themselves? Why should I be the only one who plays the gatekeeper? I slept with him only once and after a few more failed dates with him I told him I didn't want to see him anymore.

A few weeks later, I started to take interest in an old friend that I saw for the first time in a long while. It seemed that we hit it off pretty well, although we didn't do anything physical. Later on, I learned that he was in love with another girl. That got me down.

Things got worse when I started to read message boards on sex and dating. I also started to consult with my friends. I felt inadequate, on one hand people were pretty mean to promiscuous women. I didn't mind that not everyone liked them, but I got absolutely enraged when people expected me to also take responsibility for male sexuality ("if you sleep with him, you're a slut", "behave yourself because guys don't commit to sluts").

I also learned that many people sleep together within a few weeks after the first date. I felt that I was shamed for something that other people did too. Maybe the problem wasn't me being a slut, maybe I had absolutely no value as a girlfriend regardless of what I did.

I had heard all kinds of explanations: you're too smart, you're too manly, you're too crazy, all men are like that, blah blah blah... Then I looked around and started noticing that all kinds of women (and men) ended up married or with partners. Maybe it was something else...

I finally decided to go to therapy. It was painful, but I learned many important lessons.

-All kids of people pair off. If you can't pair off, it's usually some kind of emotional blocking that manifests itself in rejection seeking behavior. This behavior isn't rational, so we tend to dismiss our issues as someone else's fault be it the patriarchy, be it feminism, be it biology...

-We see the world according to our experiences, and we pursue our experiences according to how we see the world. If we believe that everyone from the opposite sex is an asshole, we're more likely to put up a game that attracts assholes.

-No matter how much you lift, how much you improve yourself or how many tricks you learn to game the other sex. If you're an emotionally unhealthy individual, you're gonna keep having toxic relationships.

-Being emotionally healthy is a must, chasing ideals of femininity and masculinity is counterproductive. People are individuals with both feminine and masculine traits. It's hard to maintain a relationship while suppressing your true nature.

I learned in therapy that I was so afraid of rejection that I ended falling for men that deep down I knew I couldn't have. The reason that I couldn't have them is because I self-sabotaged by being clingy or chose men that I wasn't compatible with. I was forcing myself to be feminine. Turns out my personality is more on the masculine side even though I'm physically feminine. I also realized that my standards were based on validation rather than actual attraction. I don't like traditional men, I don't give a crap about how much a guy makes. However, when men that were compatible with me pursued me, I rejected them.

Finally, people aren't too different from the people they sleep with. I realized that I kept riding the unrequited love train where I was being pumped and dumped while simultaneously pumping and dumping someone that liked me. If I knew these things from the beginning, I wouldn't suffered so much. I'd probably have been much more promiscuous, but under much more different circumstances.

Fortunately, I met a handsome non-traditional man and we've been dating for more than a year now. Going to therapy paid off. If you're struggling in a similar way, it's probably time to put away the red pill and talk to a professional.