Some days I think I have autism or aspergers or something, other days I think im normal, others days I feel different, others days I feel like im bipolar, other days I feel like im shit, other days I feel like im... trying to fit in... trying too hard... always failing... always crashing... finding excuses...

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I blame it on the past. At 7th grade my parents change my schools because my mom controls my dad, is neurotic, etc, she tries her best but she doesnt let me go, so I lost all my friends and spent 3 years alone being bullied, I spent my classes stressing how would I spend the 15 minute intervals without feeling pressured, bullied, judged, it was hell on earth. Eventually my friends and I all got in the same school because of how the system works but they saw what a mess I was, but we always hang out and I was happy. But I always felt like I was not normal, as if I was something different. My parents always stressed my head with 'everyone around us is dumb, we are the perfect smart ones' so naturally I believed, having a genetic skin disorder where I get small eczemas here and there it made it even worse and I trully believed I was not normal, I was a genetic freak. I was happy because 'a girl liking me' was not even in my expectations because I trully believed I was a freak so that wasnt for me so I never worried about that. But eventually depression started kicking in from not socializing and feeling like shit. Hardcore porn since 13 years old, plus lot of other weird shit. At 15 I was a deep web master, owning my own sites and shit I really felt like I was a special snowflake. Move forward 3 years and my best childhood friend went through a lot of shit and told me "bro, look at yourself. You dress like shit because your mom dresses you like shit. You got crooked teeth, go get brackes. Look at your hair. Stop looking down. You're a fatass." and it woke me up. I started going to the gym with him, I owe him my life and he knows. Eventually I found TRP was felt even more special 'it was meant to be, I got the special key motherfuckers! haha!' so I was on one extreme and now with TRP I went to the other extreme, now I act like im the real deal, im chad, faking it all the way, and people could see right through me but hey I really believed in it. But I never got dealt a good hand because my facial genetics are not the best, I had ugly ass glasses and my teeth are crooked af, my jaw aswell, because my wisdom tooth are huge. Anyway, this was the major thing in my life at 18, at 19 I got into college 1 year late cause I didnt study enough and it changed my life. I partied for the first time, I had lots of friends! I had females that talked to me! All thanks to TRP for turning my from autistic fuck to minimally-acceptable-society member, now I was targeted as shy or introverted and not weird anymore! Then my first challenge came, a girl really liked me and I liked her. She texted me forever. We eventually met once, then twice, then we went to the movies. Then suddenly she made excuses to be in my dorm room, she turned on a movie, she did everything then she started snuggling to me and I was like "OH SHIT MY DUDE! THIS IS IT!" and then boom. It all crashed down. I didnt make a move. She ghosted me. Up until that day my belief was "you are not worthy. You are not enough" but at that day I proved I was enough. But it still didnt work. Why? Why? I wondered. Then I spent the next year or so losing all my progress. Depressed as fuck. Lost my 'touch', never made new friends anymore, lost many friends, was back to the weird ways, felt left out again. But this time I had many more close friends and they tried to help me and I all my life acted like I was a victim so all I did that year was 'im a victim' 'life is unfair' and shit like that and threatning to kill myself just to get attention from my closest friends and then with that I felt even worse. Eventually I was feeling better and met this new girl in my class. I went balls in and just striked up a convo with her, the first girl I ever 'approached' if you can even call it that, I acted the best I could with the stuff I learned with TRP, it was working. Eventually we started dating. We dated for like 7 months bro. 7. fucking. months. Everyday my friends telling me just kiss her, I was like 'OK OK I GOT THIS FUCK FUCK I GOT THIS' and the time came and I was like 'ehhhh nahhhh, next time i'll do it'. Well guess what? Eventually she got tired of my sorry ass. Thing is, we dated for 7 months because we were exactly the same person inside out, same background, same parents, we actually lived 10 minutes of each other, we spend a day just hanging out and the hours flew. And what killed me inside was that I lost her not because she rejected me, I rejected myself. I REJECTED MYSELF. JUST TYPING THIS MAKES MY EYES WATER... Its horrible. A awesome girl, I would have had awesome times with her and the set up was perfect I did everything right, she was a virgin aswell like me, it would have been perfect, yet I failed the easiest task. This was in July that happened, the last drop, she ghosted me, and blocked me. I never ever talked to her again, only saw her twice and both times we didnt even make eye contact. Anyway, sure she would have been a awesome girl but what is killing me is this: I failed at everything in my life. Everyone I know lost their virginity in middle/high school, here I am at 21 years old with all this knowledge and not doing shit. I think to myself "nah, its just a matter of attitude" but then see that only the hot guys are getting laid and the ugliest dudes get a girl here and there and spend the rest of the time alone. And maybe im a ugly freak and my time came to get a girl and I told that moment to fuck off and now im like this because of that. I feel like im not made for this world. Im tired of trying with no results. Griding for 4 years now, still a virgin. Am I that ugly? Is it my crooked teeth?! Im fixing them I swear! It took 2 years to get my wisdom tooth all out and now im going to fix my jaw and then get braces in! Is it because I wear glasses? I saved 2k already to get lasikk and I am getting it in January not only because im tired of fucking wearing glasses but because I believe girls look at me and go 'what a ugly guy, glasses and everything, lol, look at his attitude, trying to be a bad ass, a bad boy, lol, I pity you... bye!' and... honestly I dont know... This last 2 weeks have been the last drop. Every night I dont sleep, just cry and cry and cry and cry, I told my 3 closest friends and they spent each one hours texting, talking to me, and it works man it works, they went through some shit too and it will eventually go away BUT IN MY CASE I DIDNT EVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!! IS IT BECAUSE I NEVER APPROACHED A GIRL? BUT EVERYONE I KNOW DIDNT APPROACH A GIRL EVER TOO, THEY JUST APPEAR ON THEIR RADAR BECAUSE THEY GET INVITED TO MORE STUFF, BECAUSE THEY GET MORE ATTENTION WITHOUT TRYING JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE BORN WITHOUT A FAILED GENETIC CONTENT... I CANT DO SHIT RIGHT, NOT EVEN BEING BORN DID I MANAGE TO GET IT RIGHT. THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS ME FROM REALLY REALLY REALLY KILLING MYSELF IS MY LIL SISTER THAT LOOKS UP TO ME AND I WILL FOREVER BE HERE FOR HER, BUT THE REST OF THE WORLD CAN FUCKING FUCK OFF. MY MOM TREATS ME LIKE IM 5 YEARS OLD BUT I LEARNED HOW TO DEAL WITH THAT AND KNOW THE MISTAKES SHE MAKES AND I ALREADY CUT THE LEASH LONG AGO, BUT THATS NOT THE PROBLEM HERE I AM PLAYING THE VICTIM AGAIN ALWAYS BLAMING IT ON SOMETHING, AND NEVER TAKING ACTION BECAUSE I DONT KNOW WHAT ACTION I NEED TO TAKE. IS IT MY LOOKS? IS IT BECAUSE I DONT APPROACH GIRLS? HOW CAN I TEXT A GIRL IF I DONT MEET NEW GIRLS. HOW DO YOU MEET NEW GIRLS?????????????????????? I WENT TO A DINNER PARTY WITH A FRIEND OF MINE A GIRL WAS GIVING ME SIGNALS BUT I JUST SHRUG IT OFF AS A ATTENTION WHORE BECAUSE I DONT FEEL WORTHY, BUT THEN HOW DO I CHANGE THAT? I JUST TRY TOO HARD, I TAKE FOREVER TO DRESS UP, I SPEND MY DAYS WATCHING SELF IMPROVMENT VIDEOS, I TRY TOO HARD, I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ALL I DO IS OVERTHINK OVERTHINK OVERTHINK OVERTHINK... I just want someone to tell me if im going in the right path or im just failing hard, just tell me what to do please... I know I got to chill, but I just cant... Everyday at night I just break down... I dont know what to do.... Tired of failing... Failing every single fucking day... I try so hard and think im getting far and then boom a guy who does nothing besides eat chips and play videogames ugly and fat as fuck scores the girl I was thinking I had a shot with, and then I assume every girl is getting plowed and I just need to drop my two cents in the game but then I lose all my will because I feel like I felt in the past like im not worth.............................................

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I just dont know. I need to type this somewhere. Let it all out. No one will read this fucking book anyway, just tell me the usual 'lift and oneitis' and i'll go kill myself to stop this torture. Its obvious I cant do it. Its just not for me. I dont know why I even tried. Spent 4 years of my life trying so that when the rewards come I dont reap them? Like what the actual fuck? My genes are just so fucked up I just need to stop trying and either end it all now or just settle for fapping and just move on and then meet a random desesperate chick at 35 and marry her and be miserable for the rest of my life. Hell, why stop there, the best way is for her to divorce me at 36 and I kill myself at 37 and then 1 year later im just a speck of dust on the universe, why go through this hell? I had one shot at life, obviously I was dealt a horrible hand and now oh well, nature natural selection has to work somehow