For those wondering, BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder. The truth is a spouse with BPD or other mental disorder is extremely isolating - You can't talk about it with your friends or mentors and even if you did, they have no idea what its like or experienced insight into the situation.

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This is my story - and I'm hoping there are a few guys out there who might have some insight or advice for what to do... I'm feeling very lost.

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As many Christian couples who want to have sex, my wife and I started dating and got married within about 6 months. Looking back I would tell ANY Christian man that getting engaged in under a year is a foolish thing to do. (Yes, it works just fine for lots of couples, but why take the risk just to get laid a few months faster?) Anyways... Because of the speed we went through the steps, I was unaware my wife was a BPD until after we were married.

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The SHTF on the first day of our honeymoon. She was suddenly irritable or depressed all the time - My memories of the 2 week honeymoon are mostly me going for walks by myself, cooking by myself, or driving in silence to our next destination. There were good moments too... But the vast majority of time she was in bed depressed or had no energy... and I was scared to death I'd just made the biggest mistake of my life.

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The story started off being it was her period, and the wedding had worn her out, and she was so sorry she was feeling this way etc... I hoped this was a reasonable and temporary thing and that once we were home from the honeymoon she'd be rested and recover to the woman I'd fallen in love with.

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Sadly she didn't bounce back. But I rationalized there were lots of reasons for this: We'd moved countries, she had no friends or family in our new area, she had no job or purpose, it was winter in Canada and so the skies were gray every day and it got dark super early every night, and we were housesitting for a couple months so even though we were back from the honeymoon, it wasn't really a "home" for her... Lots of genuine things that I reasoned could be the problem. So I thought once these things were changed maybe things would get better.

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So I did what all guys like to do - I started trying to fix things. I organized hangouts with couples we met to try and build some friendships, tried to encourage her to get involved serving at church or join a womens group etc, and I did my best to care for her and take the pressure off. Winter slowly changed to Spring - And I slowly changed from somewhat RP to a robins egg blue pill.

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Things just got worse. And her story changed from "you're amazing, I'm sorry I'm struggling" to "you are the reason for everything that is wrong" - Looking back knowing she has BPD, this change makes more sense as BPD's tend to polarize people into either "all good" or "all bad" - Her pain and depression (combined with the fact that she realized I'm far from perfect) led to my going onto the "all bad" list.

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Things were terrible, and I still had no clue what was going on. My wife's theory was that Canada just sucked, it was way too dark in the winter and the town we were in it was impossible to make friends, so loooooong story short, we moved to California to be somewhere warm + sunny, in an apartment with lots of windows and light, and a church where we thought we'd meet lots of great friends.

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The sunshine DID help. So did the new church. But only really for a spell. In desperation we went to a marriage counsellor and dove deep trying to figure things out. My wife's family growing up was a really messy situation so there was a lot to workthrough there, and the counsellor did give us some good insight and helped us work through some of the anger and resentment that had built up between us. There were some good things that came out of it, but it never really got to the core of the issue - My wife had something going on that was seriously dysfunctional, but I had no idea what it was.

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So the rage continued. The anger and shouting continued. The depression and laying most of the day in bed continued. My wife was unable to make friends, get a job, find a purpose or grow / heal. Last year around Feb I discovered RP + RPC and it finally gave me the answer (Or so I thought) - Really RP and RPC gave me a PIECE of the puzzle. The reality was that as a man, leader & husband I needed serious growth. Finally something I can actually DO to improve my situation. So I got to work.

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In 2018, I gained 30lbs (9% bf), doubled my income, started a new business, began leading in different spheres, and worked hard to grow in my mindset, skills and SMV as a man. I've still got a LONG way to go, but I made a good amount of progress, and things DID get a little better.

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But frustratingly, it seemed no matter what changes or growth I made, my wife was still in the same place. Obviously she needed help, but it felt like there was just nothing I could do. For 2 years I'd tried to convince her to try blood testing to see if there was something medical - But she has a severe fear of medical related stuff and refused. I also tried getting her to go to counselling - Which she did, with 3 different counsellors... all who cost a hundred bucks a session and failed to bring about any change I could see...

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FINALLY, our marriage counsellor suggested a therapist he'd worked with personally, and she gave them a try. BINGO. This therapist didn't try to talk nice or encourage, but got down to the heart of the matter and gave my wife the support and advice she needed - To continue to work through her stuff in therapy, but also to try some perscription meds to help with the depression + rage + suicidal thoughts.

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Now for 2 years I'd been trying to get her to try something like this... But she has a fear of medication so it wasn't happening. But then a friend of mine growing up committed suicide out of the blue... And that scared her / convinced her it was time to try. Just shows God really can and does work all things for the good of those who love him... Even terrible painful things.

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Once my wife started the medication, the rage stopped. The suicidal threats stopped. She wasn't crying and screaming every day or two... It was a miracle in itself. BUT it didn't fix the fact that she still has a hard time getting out of bed, still has no purpose, no job, no strong friendships...

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I went in to chat with her therapist, and through the course of that discussion and giving her my perspective and account of the past 2 years, was told that my wife has BPD. This was both freeing and depressing at the same time. I was so grateful to finally have an explanation that made sense. I wasn't the sole source of everything wrong in her life the way my wife saw it. But it was also a little depressing to find out that BPD isn't something a person normally "gets rid of" so to speak.

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Which meant the marriage I had might always be hard. She might never get better.

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And so here we are. I'm the one who committed to marriage, and the one who didn't wait to get to know her better before jumping in. I'm the one who said "I do" - It was 100% my decision and now because of what the bible says, I'm in it for life. Which isn't exactly an uplifting or joyous reality... But I guess thats just life sometimes. I still have my health, and my marriage still has its good moments.

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Anyways, I really don't know where to go from here... So I'm putting this out there on the off chance that there is someone else here at RPC who has gone through a similar journey, and has some advice, or if not advice, just to know SOMEONE who is going through the same thing... Its very tiring doing it alone.

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Obviously this is already long, and for the sake of not making it a novel there is a LOT of detail that has been left out, skipped over, or I've just plain forgotten to mention. There have also been lots of good moments along the way.My wife is a beautiful person who has some amazing qualities - She's just also got BPD... And I need help navigating that as a husband.

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Thanks