Should I keep this girl around to potentially LTR later??

pizzalover24 · 2018-07-16T12:25:12+00:00

Some personalities require some investment. You may need to mold such a personality and slowly let it fly.

Also it looks like you are using your friend as motivation/energy to keep your mission going. This is a recipe for disaster. It sort of looks like you like her mothering you.

Your hunger for life should come from your mission and life goals. Not from being in the company of your partner doing stuff together as college bros.

I would recommend a book called the 'the way of the superior man' by David Deida which deals with what you are facing.

With all due respect, I don't think your dilemma is a girl problem but an identity problem. You are not the same person in the company of either girl.

Everything in your post depicts you feeling content to be led by your friend whilst you lead in your LTR. Perhaps being the leader is getting to you? Posting pics of you sick on Snapchat is a cry for attention and love.

AceBenedict23 · 2018-07-16T11:20:37+00:00

It sounds like you already have a girl with a gentle and quiet spirit which is nearly a unicorn in American culture and you don't realize what you have. If you want a woman who will nag you instead of pray for your growth, by all means, go get one. You are being dishonest with your girlfriend so you need to make a choice now.

Deep_Strength · 2018-07-16T18:46:48+00:00

You are responsible for your own spiritual growth. If you have to rely on someone else to push you, you're not going to come to a good end. Up your discipline and self control.
You DON'T want someone to nag you or mother you, as others have said. Not a recipe for a godly marriage. If she even agreed to marry you anyway, she's going to be leading it instead of who God said to which would be you. You're not quite to the level of Anthony Bourdain level of pedestalization, but that's the direction you're headed if you continue this route.
I got 100 bucks on the fact that the latter woman sees you only as a friend anyway. Sounds exactly like a great "friends" relationship that secular women have with their nice guy friends where they hang out, have fun, and even cuddle, and then go off and bang the attractive jerk. All in all, cut that crap out with the 2nd woman. Don't let her emotionally sponge off you, and get yourself out of the weird mothering relationship that has formed.
Spend more time with God in the Scriptures meditating on the passages about marriage in order to cultivate the identity that he wants for you for marriage.

Red-Curious · 2018-07-16T15:55:30+00:00

What you want out of a relationship is something that most women cannot or should not give. The women who do challenge their husband's behaviors are the ones who are doing it to control them. It is very rare to find a woman (even to the point of non-existent) who challenges her husband purely to help him strive to be better. You're not meant to follow her lead in becoming the man she wants you to become. 1 Cor. 11:3 is clear: you follow Christ, she follows you. That's it. Your challenge and conviction should come from the Spirit and other godly men as you continue to read and engage in the Word.

Now, that's not to say it's wrong to have a wife who challenges you either. This can be beneficial if you're a strong enough guy to maintain frame in the midst of it, which you might be. But I promise you, you're looking for trouble if you actively seek that in a relationship. As /u/TheLZisTooHot said, you've already got a unicorn. If you try to fly any closer to the sun, like Icarus, your wings will melt and you'll get burned.

Why do I say this? Because of the obvious reason: you have ONEitis. Your ONEitis is preventing you from viewing the "other girl" accurately. You're only seeing what you want to see. Now, she may be a wonderful option too. But it's also clear that she's into you and all this crap about her prioritizing you over her friends or dropping what she's doing to go help you at 3am - that's her trying to get in your pants. That's not who she is. It's who she is when she's trying to impress you.

ONEitis is very deceptive. It will cause you to think and feel things that will eventually fade away and become untrue. Could this "other girl" be better for you in the end? Sure, it's possible. But right now you have a choice between what you know to be true and great about girl 1 and what you think might be true and even greater about girl 2, but you don't really know because you're clouded by ONEitis and can't trust your own thoughts/feelings. Between the two options, which sounds wiser right now?

Let me also reaffirm what /u/pizzalover24 said, as it was very insightful: you're clearly two different people, depending on which girl you're around. As he said, the dynamic was pretty clear to me too: "feeling content to be led by your friend whilst you lead in your LTR." Which dynamic is the biblical one? The one where you're leading the relationship or the one where you're being led by a girl who uses her position of strength to coddle you when you fall? The latter is incredibly tempting because subliminally it seems like it'll be an easier life. She's got it made and you want to leech onto her successes. In reality, you've got to be the man who's got it made and have a girl who wants to leech onto your successes, not one who is independent of you.

Women are meant to mold to their man. This means the relationships that work best are the ones where the woman adopts her man's identity. That's why she changes her name to his. It's why people start calling them Mr. and Mrs. [Groom's first and last name]. It's why men introduce themselves by their mission in life (which for most is their career), but most women introduce themselves by their relationship to other people (wife, mother). It's why women usually moves into the man's house. Seriously, when's the last time you talked to a guy who introduced himself as a husband - or even as "so and so's husband"? But I do hear women regularly introducing themselves as a housewife or just a wife in general or as "so and so's wife." If you're looking for a woman who will not mold to you and who isn't wanting to adopt your identity, you're asking for trouble.

Now let me be clear, I'm not telling you who the better option is. I'm giving you principles to help you make a choice. In my mind, it's clear who that choice should be - and you should darn well stop nagging the girl for being a girl. Praise her for it and go get some male friends to challenge you, rather than trying to turn your girl into a man. /u/rocknrollchuck is spot on here. But at the end of the day, you know the ins and outs of your own circumstances, your own standards, your own desires, etc. better than we do. So, maybe there's other stuff factoring in that you haven't told us. I'm fine accepting that and if you want to go off with girl 2, that's your choice and I support you in that as well.

But here's the thing: you need to make a decision and make it now. You can't wait for girl 2 to break up with her LDR and string girl 1 along all the while. If you want girl 2, let girl 1 go and either go for girl 2 now and cause her to breakup with this new guy, or wait it out and see if she ever leaves him (not a great option).

But when you're making that decision, weigh heavily any ways your ONEitis may be affecting your judgment, and look to biblical principles about what a wife should do and be, not what you want her to do and be. In the end, your present motivators will change over time, but biblical principles for marriage will remain stable. I'd bet my life on biblical principles over my own perception every time. And to be clear, "biblical principles" doesn't mean who knows more about the Bible or who lives it out better. It means who is more willing to live within the roles God has prescribed. If a woman is faithful, available, and teachable, you can disciple her into becoming anything you want. But if you're looking for someone prefabricated so you don't have to discipler her into anything, then you should never expect to get more than what you buy.

Willow-girl · 2018-07-17T12:01:37+00:00

I want someone to hold me properly accountable and shares a somewhat more equal burden. She does not do that job for me.

Maybe she signed up to be your girlfriend, not your Mommy?

marcus8crassus · 2018-07-16T10:19:31+00:00

I think you know what you need to do brother. Trust in yourself, trust in Him.

etaomega · 2018-07-16T16:20:38+00:00

She is very submissive, is a follower of Jesus, and is very attractive. She has a career of her own. However, I am not satisfied with the relationship because I do not feel like I am being challenged or pushed in a meaningful way where I can experience growth.

She's accepted my frame completely and I'm able to do whatever I want. I can't grow, and she doesn't necessarily hold me accountable like I want in a future wife. Just assumes that I always know best. I make mistakes all the time, and oftentimes have to address things on my own.

Yo....PM me this chick's #. This girl's (as described) got potential.

That girl is probably my best (and only) female friend ever.

I have been super attracted to her, physically but more than anything because of her spirituality.

I'm 44 and I still have a hard time figuring out how cats have female "best" friends. Even more puzzling is how cats have any female friend that they find attractive.

To cosign what's been said already you do NOT want a chick that has the mentality of the second girl that you described as a wife. Trust me bruh. Been der' done dat'.

wkndatbernardus · 2018-07-16T21:21:15+00:00

1st girl sounds like the better option from a biblical perspective. You are supposed to be the spiritual head of the family and if the 2nd chick has been discipling you or teaching you about Godly matters in some way (not saying this isn't a positive for your life. Wherever or whoever the truth comes from is a blessing), that puts your relationship with her, at least spiritually, in a leader (she)/follower (you) dynamic that will be difficult to shift towards the Good ordained order where you are the leader.

I know it may seem like the 1st girl has no sense of herself or strength of personality and that she relies on you for everything but, believe it or not, this is what a Christian man should be seeking in a godly wife. Contemporary culture says you need a coequal partner and together you guys should make decisions about the direction of your life. Believe me, this philosophy will NOT lead to you or your wife's happiness. It is a feminist/culture of death dynamic that will probably lead to the demise of your marriage.

Also, as the old adage says, "one in the hand is worth two in the bush (haha, no pun intended)." This is particularly true in your case because you don't even know if the second girl would leave her current bf to be with you. Don't think too hard about the great thing you have going right now and just praise God for her.

rockstarberst · 2018-07-21T06:11:31+00:00

I think you should read Galatians 6:1-10.

Then, I would read 1 Peter 3.

The Bible doesn't call women to be their husband's accountability partner.

While yes, personal development and growth are great -- the key word is personal.

Proverbs 15:22 says, "Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed."

Ultimately, you are accountable to God. Your [future] wife shouldn't know how to be a husband. That's your job to figure it out, through mentors, married friends, your pastor, etc. While your wife should respect you, it's not her responsibility to make you into a better man.

It seems like your interpretation of Corinthians 6:14 is incorrect. What the Bible says is, "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?"

Your girlfriend is a believer. You are not unequally yoked. You may not be compatible in other ways, but your faith is aligned, and that's what's important.

What you're doing to your current girlfriend is unfair. She has put her trust in you, and while you may not have physically cheated, you have definitely been unfaithful on an emotional level.

Additionally, no woman should submit to you until she is your wife. The Bible does not say, "Women, submit to men," it says, "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior."

That's good that you see those traits in her, but until she is your wife, she should not be submitting to you.

And as far as submission goes, it sounds like you need to submit more to God.

If you pursue girl #2, how is she going to submit to you as her husband when she is nore spiritually advanced than you?

Also, are you sure girl 2 isn't a Jezebel? What you are describing sounds kind if like lust. She's currently someone you desire, but cannot have -- is she on a pedestal?

I will say this: A woman's most precious resource is her time. If you don't want to be with your current girlfriend now, you need to let her know, cut all ties, and let her move on. She will be hurt and mad, but let her go, as what you're doing now isn't being respectful to her. She should be able to pursue a Godly man who is faithful and wants what she has to offer (which sounds like a lot!)

Or, if through prayer and discernment you decide your girlfriend is the one for you, then be with her, and let girl 2 go.

Regardless, you need to make a decision and stick with it. Keeping women in your back pocket is not a Godly principle.

rocknrollchuck · 2018-07-16T15:20:36+00:00

However, I am not satisfied with the relationship because I do not feel like I am being challenged or pushed in a meaningful way where I can experience growth.

Your relationship is not meant to be the thing that pushes or challenges you - while some men can experience growth in a male / female relationship, most of the time that challenge will come in the form of problems and s**t testing. True growth and challenge comes from other men and challenging activities with them.

I have been super attracted to her, physically but more than anything because of her spirituality. She has everything that my LTR has, except her biblical knowledge is probably a good bit better than mine is.

I can tell you that if you are in a relationship with a woman who has superior Biblical knowledge, she will eventually look down on you as inferior for exactly that reason. YOU should be the one leading in that area.

Let me ask you: if this "friend" were not in the picture at all, would you be satisfied with the girl you're currently dating?

Xoramung · 2018-07-17T01:07:56+00:00

I can't grow, and she doesn't necessarily hold me accountable like I want in a future wife.

wait, you want a women to keep you accountable?

better than any Male Pastor figure ever was.

Sad state of affairs. When you meet a good male pastor, women will be pale in comparison.

I legitimately trust her, and I hardly trust anyone. Like this girl literally drove 2 hours and picked me up at 3am once when I got stranded. (Her apartment was the closest to the location). I called her by chance, and she didn't ask any questions she just said "I'm coming". Every time I needed anything, she was the most reliable person, whether it was a physical need or a spiritual need. Another example, on her 21st birthday she was out with her friends. She saw me post a picture on Snapchat while I was sick, and she literally left her friends to first call me, then went to pickup medicine, and then came to my apartment in her dress and heels and spent 2 hours with me just hanging out.

She is either interested in you, OR completely led by the Holy Spirit. or both.

I would take that women asap and marry her within months.

Nyquil-Junkie · 2018-07-26T15:54:44+00:00

Spirituality: Was saved 2 years ago

Yet you started the OP with a declaration of personal vanity.... or maybe I didn't read that right.

Title	Should I keep this girl around to potentially LTR later??
Author	AceBenedict23
Upvotes	11
Comments	35
Date	July 16, 2018 7:04 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/8z8ssb/should_i_keep_this_girl_around_to_potentially_ltr/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/should-i-keep-this-girl-around-to-potentially-ltr.301845 https://theredarchive.com/post/301845