Background

To start off, this topic needs a lot of background. Let me give a brief history of the Christian manosphere to those who are unaware.

The Christian manosphere started to emerge approximately circa 2009-2010 or so. Hawaiian Libertarian, Haley's Halo, Dalrock, and some other bloggers started appearing at this time (though Hawaii was earlier). Prior to this, Christian men were commenting on secular blogs as there was no spaces for Christian men to talk about men's issues, especially in Churches and marriages.

Around 2012-2013, as the Christian manosphere expanded it started to fracture into pro-game, neutral, and anti-game components. This is approximately at the time the two biggest Christian manosphere blogs were Dalrock and Sunshine Mary. Hundreds and hundreds of comments were on each post. Most of the pro-game proponents believe (and still believe) that game is a praxeology -- the study of human nature -- while most of the anti-game proponents like myself believed that you couldn't separate intrinsic moral/immoral behavior from an action (e.g. actions come out of the heart).

Around late 2013 to 2014 when I started blogging, Donal Graeme, Chad, a couple others and I were trying to conceptualize "godly masculinity" as a framework for Christian men and husbands. This was somewhat lukewarm received, although I and a few others continued to blog around this framework. The game debate started to die off around late 2014 to early 2015 as everyone was tired of everyone talking around each other.

Finally, what brings us to today is Dalrock made two excellent posts earlier this month: Blinded by chivalry and Chivalry and biblical marriage can’t coexist. These two, along with a comment by Cane, a post by Wayne, and my own post finally let me to understand the true nature of why I was anti-game all along.

Why I am anti-game

Note: You do not have to click on any of these posts if you don't want to, I summarize all of the points in the next section.


Why I'm anti-game as a Christian

First, it started off with Cane's post:

Game was intriguing because it is literally the anitithesis of chivalry. I knew that wasn’t the answer, and I could find the faults of Game, but I couldn’t put my finger on the thing itself. My blog posts on Game are testament to that…and to the confusion I caused others who thought I was for Game, but yet denying it. Rather: I was anti-chivalry, but not wise enough to know it. It’s in my posts about Eros, the unfair weights used to measure men against women, and many other of the pieces. I was attacking chivalry, but couldn’t quite see that it was chivalry.

Some of that was also due to half-ass knowledge on my part. I knew enough to know that the original code upon which courtly love was attached had nothing to do with romantic love. But I wasn’t knowledgeable enough about its development to wisely write about the topic of chivalry. There’s evidence of my folly in my older posts too.

And now I see that so-called “Married Game” is an attempt at synthesis of the thesis Chivalry (the last several hundred years of Christian marriage) and the antithesis Game. It’s doomed to failure.

[To be continued later]

To expand on this, the contention that game is anti-chivalry is slightly misleading in my opinion. Game annuls much of the symptoms of chivalry and feminism, but not the cause or results.

Thus, it is most accurate to say:

  • Feminism and chivalry are like an infected wound
  • Game is like a pain killer
  • Biblical marriage is antibiotics

Pain killers essentially help you ignore an infected wound because it doesn’t hurt anymore, but the infected wound still exists. The true antidote is acceptance of biblical marriage.

To put this another way, or in spiritual terms:

  • Feminism and chivalry are idolization of a woman’s feelings, attraction, emotions, and/or expectations.
  • Game placates these temporarily by distracting her from idolizing herself and from trying to get you to idolize her as well.
  • Acceptance of biblical marriage is the only antidote.

Game is seductive because it decreases the pain inflicted on a husband via psychological assault, but it does not fix the actual problem: the rebellion against God and His Scripture. The antidote to an infected wound (feminism, chivalry) is acceptance of biblical marriage, which requires repentance and rejection of the aforementioned idols.

To understand this, some of the stances of game are as follows according to Chateau (in Wayne’s post) in order:

  • To get defensive, upset or angry
  • To promptly try to make her jealous
  • To tease her (e.g. Agree and Amplify, Amused Mastery, Asking pointed, realistic questions, Probing and dissecting her mind, Dread)
  • To ignore her

The first two will almost always outcome with negative results, as they are contrary to the the fruits of the Spirit and follow a wife’s lead. The second two are generally what game proponents recommend. The latter two tend to take control of the situation by reversing her attempts to make you placate (e.g. idolize) her, but they don’t actually aim to fix the problem which is to point out her disrespect and bad behavior and call her to repentance.

One commenter almost gets it, if you are not married:

it’s painful to read this post. not because it is written poorly, or because it relates to a personal experience.

it’s painful because no man (or woman) should ever tolerate that kind of behavior in a partner. there is no antidote or way to mitigate being treated that way.

if they disrespect you so much that they do any of those things, then you need to just turn around and walk away for good.

A woman/wife that you have to continually “play games” with is already operating from a stance of rebellion. Rather than play games, the true goal would be to call her out for her rebellion and encourage repentance. This is one of the blind spots of husbands in marriages with wives that are rebellious. Game does work to cover up the pain of the continued psychological assault, but it does nothing to address the actual rebellion that constantly continues.

The commenter gets it wrong in that you need to walk away for good. The thing is that when you have a girlfriend or wife, even if they’re the most sweet, humble, and respectful wife ever, they will still end up sinning. No man and no woman is perfect. The key is to actually be able to point out and teach a woman/wife why behavior is disrespectful and sinful and call her to repentance. You want a girlfriend and subsequently wife that responds to this call.

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church [q]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;

That’s what sacrificial love actually means: stepping into the conflict to pull her toward sanctification. So Adam listened to the voice of his wife, husbands also have the same choice to go along with it or call her to sanctification and repentance of bad behavior or disrespect. If you always walk away, you will never learn to do this.

This is not to say that men should take on any woman who wants to be in a relationship to fix them. A woman who continually ignores calls for repentance and sanctification is a poor choice for a wife. You want a wife who is going to follow you toward Christ, even if you have to sometimes bring her kicking and screaming. However, it should get better over time as she becomes more sanctified — she will build habits of good behavior and eschew bad behavior.

Finally, the latter part of Cane’s post is the correct mindset to operate from:

Looking back now at my own life, what I did when I decided to neither produce, nor put up with, anymore nonsense was to reject chivalric notions. I didn’t think of it in those terms though. At the time I prayed angrily and desperately, “Alright God: I’ll do it your way and by the book, Smart Guy! Whatever happens is on you! I’ll be sacrificial and loving no matter what she does, but I will also expect to be obeyed, and I will say so! I will be gentle, but never quit my expectations. I will stop trying to get her agreement, and settle for her obedience, even when she is bitter about it.” Best thing I ever did. God’s way held up even though I sometimes slipped up and tried to change her mind instead of seek her submission (it confuses them, and prompts them to rebel), or failed to remain cheerful when she sometimes chafed.

I’ve told that story before, but before these last few posts I did not understand that what I threw out of my life was chivalry.

The reason why game fails in the end is that it doesn’t obey God. It doesn’t reflect the fruits of the Spirit. It will never bring a wife to repentance. It dances around and covers up the actual issues present within the relationship or marriage. It operates from a state of judgment of bad behavior instead of seeking repentance through kindness.

Romans 2:1 Therefore you have no excuse, [a]everyone of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. 2 And we know that the judgment of God [b]rightly falls upon those who practice such things. 3 But do you suppose this, O man, [c]when you pass judgment on those who practice such things and do the same yourself, that you will escape the judgment of God? 4 Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?

Game is much like many Christian conservatives attachment to chivalry and complementarism. It hides the actual issue of rebellion with a “feel good” alternative. In this case, the “feel good” is making it seem like you have a good relationship instead of doing it God’s way.

Never thought I’d make that analogy like that, but it fits. The only difference is that chivalry and complementarism capitulate to the culture while game does not. But all of them nudge you in the wrong direction.

To summarize:

  • Game does not call a wife to repentance from disrespect and bad behavior. It may work to placate her in the moment. However, the behavior will continue because she either has not realized it or continues to give into it.
  • Biblical marriage is the true antidote: through the process of sanctification you help to shed her bad habits of disrespect and bad behavior and instill godly habits. Over time, she will stumble less and less if she is becoming more like Christ.

Why I am pro godly masculinity

As you might have read in the intro/background post, godly masculinity is the conceptual framework that I tend to operate now when I teach or mentor other men.

What is godly masculinty? Glad you asked.

1 Kings 2:1 When the time drew near for David to die, he gave a charge to Solomon his son.

2 “I am about to go the way of all the earth,” he said. “So be strong, act like a man, 3 and observe what the Lord your God requires: Walk in obedience to him, and keep his decrees and commands, his laws and regulations, as written in the Law of Moses. Do this so that you may prosper in all you do and wherever you go 4 and that the Lord may keep his promise to me: ‘If your descendants watch how they live, and if they walk faithfully before me with all their heart and soul, you will never fail to have a successor on the throne of Israel.’

Walking in who God created you to be as a man, and choosing good instead of evil.

Ask you can see, much of this should have been transmitted from father to son (e.g.David -> Solomon) or mentor to student (e.g. Moses to Joshua: "Be strong and courageous" - Joshua 1:9, 1 Chron 28:20, Deut 31:6, etc) and even in the NT from Paul (e.g. "act like men" - 1 Cor 16:13) and Paul to Timothy:

2 Tim 1:6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. 7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. 8 So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God. 9 He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, 10 but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.

So why not just godliness? Is godliness itself attractive?

The answer is no. To be truly "red pill" so to speak, we cannot go with what ought to be like many in the culture and even church but we must know understand what reality shows us. This is the difference between wishful thinking and wisdom, which so many men fall prey to.

For example, we know that pastors, worship band leaders, small group leaders are all more attractive than church parking lot attendants, sunday greeters, and church janitors -- even though all of them do things to serve God. This is because those certain positions come with attractive traits to women -- power, status, money, etc.

In terms of what women are attracted to for individual traits, it would be more accurate to say masculinity is attractive to women: confidence, dominance, decisiveness, independence, courage and so on. A man who goes after God with all of his heart is attractive to women because he displays the masculine traits along with the godly actions.

This is to say that godliness is not attractive in itself to women; it is the masculine way that we carry out godly actions.

Thankfully, God sets us up for success in marriage as He is the one who created it. Think about the roles and responsibilities of a husband:

  • Leadership – God created a man to be the head of the marriage (ref. Gen 1-3, Eph 5, 1 Cor 11, Col 3, Tit 2, 1 Pet 3) and rule and subdue the earth (Gen 1 and 2). The main traits that tend to be attractive to women in this category are leadership, power, and status that comes with it. The common examples in popular culture that emulate this trait are doctors and nurses, bosses and secretaries, teacher and student, and other men in leadership positions whether it is political, business, or celebrities.
  • Protector – Men were tasked to protect their families in the Scripture (e.g. warring and fighting in the Bible is performed by men). This includes many attractive traits related to physical stature such as height, musculature, and athletic ability. It should be no surprise that women tend to gravitate toward men who are excellent at sports, fighters, or those who are physically imposing. Fashion also plays a role, but it does not solely fit in this category.
  • Provider – Men were tasked by God in the OT and NT to work to provide for their families (ref. Gen 1-3, OT Law, 1 Tim 5). There is a healthy attraction for a woman who is concerned about the ability of a man to provide for her. A common example in culture of this being taken too far is gold digging. Family studies also show that if a wife is the primary breadwinner of the family or makes more than the husband, the marriage is much more unstable because the wife is more likely to leave.
  • Masculinity – women tend to be attracted to masculine personalities and traits (ref. the Patriarchs in the OT, David, Gen 2-3, 1 Cor 11). Man was made for woman, and woman was made for man. This includes traits such as confidence, boldness, strength, mastery, ambition, risk taking, independence, humor and many others. Masculine personalities are also associated strongly with power and status.

Men who excel at these specific roles and responsibilities are attractive to women. Ditch the pickup lines and games. Become an excellent leader, protector, provider, and masculine man, and you are setting yourself up for success to attract and find a godly wife. In fact, I would submit that the hard part is to actually find a worthy godly wife in our culture and churchianity.

It is important to note that into today's culture that "provider" is not really that attractive to women anymore. The reason for this is that women can pretty much get any job they want now, so provision isn't on their radar as something that they need. Gold digging and trophy wives not withstanding: it seems there is a threshold where a money can provide a vastly improved "quality of life" to which women are still attracted to. However, I doubt that most Christian men would want to marry a woman who wanted them for their money anyway, so I think this is a moot point.

This is why the whole baby boomer advice of "get a job as it will help you get married" falls flat on its face for most single Christian men nowadays. It is more important for single Christian men looking to get married to develop strong leadership skills, the traits of a protector, and the characteristics of a man (confidence, boldness, strength, mastery, ambition, risk taking, independence, humor) if he wants to attract Christian women for marriage.


Anyway, we could go on and on about this, but this post is long enough as it is. This is simply an overview of the framework that the Scripture shows us about what women are actually attracted to and the process it takes to be married. Game is just a sorry rip off of what God created that will lead you in the wrong direction.

Also, for those of you who don't know I am writing a book on all of this stuff combining all of the Scriptures together in one coherent framework.