This question gets brought up to me a lot and I thought you all might be interested, especially for the singles among us.

I love illustrations. Here's one I call "The Frame" that I have used so often that it's just a subconscious way of life now - and it's all about discerning God's will in a given situation. Here are the basic concepts:

  • Jesus is the picture. The frame exists to enhance and glorify the picture, as all our decisions should.

  • The 4 things we should look to when making decisions create the frame: God's Word, Prayer, Godly Counsel, and Circumstances. The first two must exist in that order, but the last two are interchangeable. Specifically, no matter how you feel in prayer, if God's Word says, "No, you shouldn't murder that guy," you probably shouldn't murder him ... or if God's Word says, "Yes, kill your son" (as God's spoken Word to Abraham said), you obey regardless of whatever you hear from godly counsel or what logic would say about fulfillment of the promise, thus defying circumstantial necessity, etc.

  • Atop the frame is a string. For the picture to be glorified, the string must hold the frame in proper balance, not leaving too much string on either side of the nail. That balance is between our desire to obey and God's sovereignty. That is, if we don't care to obey, it doesn't matter whether or not we discern the right answer - we're not going to live it out. Also, if God isn't sovereign, then our obedience means very little and we cannot trust him to guide us. But ... if we intend to obey God and do everything we can to discern how to do that in a given situation, then because of his sovereignty, even if we don't know what the right answer is, we can walk confidently that he will cause us to make the right choice regardless of the insecurities we otherwise may have experienced if we did not trust in God's sovereignty and faithfulness to our directive toward obedience.

  • Lastly, action is the nail that holds it on the wall. Discerning the right thing or having confidence because of our faithfulness even in the absence of clear answers - all that means nothing if we don't actually take action to carry out what we intend.


With regard to dating in particular, here are ways to help process the frame ...

ONE: GOD'S WORD - Are you "equally yoked"? If not, I don't care what feelings you get in prayer (genuine prophecy notwithstanding, in case you happen to be the next Hosea), you don't bind yourself to her. Is she a temptress? Does she align with the suggestions given in Proverbs about what to look for in a woman? Is she willing and able to follow you and subscribe to the spiritual roles laid out in Scripture between men and women? Start evaluating whether or not she has the capacity to align with Scriptural expectations of a wife - she doesn't have to be perfect, but she does have to be faithful, available, and teachable in order to grow into those things.

TWO: PRAYER - When you do pray about it, do you feel an overwhelming peace and tranquility over the situation, or are you filled with bubbly emotions and infatuation? Are the emotions you feel when you pray parallel with emotions that might lead you into sin with her? For example, if you're feeling all passionate when you pray about your relationship, but a similar passion is causing you to want to have sex with her before marriage - there's a good chance that passion isn't from God; it's just you being a normal person having normal emotions. It's not a sign of any spiritual direction one way or another. But if you are calm in your heart, yet feel a whisper in your soul (I know, it's hard to describe this), that can usually be trusted.

THREE: GODLY COUNSEL - What do your Christian peers say? What about your pastor, elders, youth pastor? Your parents? Have you gotten any warnings about potential pitfalls or destructive habits/behaviors? Has anyone warned about troubles that might come ahead? Are you ignoring seeking advice from certain people because you're afraid they might speak against the relationship? If so, maybe go talk to those people and figure out why - and take their advice seriously, even if you ultimately choose to go a different direction.

FOUR: CIRCUMSTANCE - Does she live in another country or speak a foreign language to you? Is God calling her to be a missionary a thousand miles away, while you're called to stay where you are? Is she infertile and having kids is a huge priority to you? Do you actually like each other, or do you just like the idea of having a significant other/potential spouse? Don't take that question too lightly, as most people do. Is there someone else you're more attracted to, but you're settling because that other person is already taken? Think about the circumstances from every angle to figure out if this is really what you want. Don't do something you might regret later.

FIVE: OBEDIENCE - Do you really want the answers to the question? If you didn't have a clear prophetic vision from God on the subject, but the frame causes you to lean toward breaking up, are you willing to accept that and be okay with not actually knowing what the "right" or "best" decision is? Are you turning a blind eye to aspects of discerning your path that might take you where you don't want to go? What if God is really calling you to be single for the rest of your life? Could you be okay with that and accept it? Could you accept it even if you never had clear proof that God planned that for your life? How committed are you to obedience?

SIX: SOVEREIGNTY - Do you believe that God is really sovereign? Do you believe that he can guide you even if you don't feel his guidance or know he's causing the disposition of your heart to lean a particular way? Do you trust that God can redeem every situation you get in, no matter how bad it is - even marrying the wrong person sinfully? Do you believe that God can do better in your life through a break-up than he could if you stayed together? Do you accept and internalize that God's ways are higher than yours, or is this only an intellectual acknowledgment?

SEVEN: ACTION - What are you going to do about it? How long do you have to make a decision? Should you put a deadline on yourself? If so, what's that deadline? How involved should she be in making this decision? Have you led her through the frame and asked what action she feels is appropriate to make in this situation? Are you willing to follow-through if God is telling either of you (and not just one of you) to break up?


Those are just some questions to help process the frame and get started. I'm sure I could come up with a similar set of questions with regard to whether or not you should get divorced, or whether or not you should get coffee with your secretary, or whether or not you should confront the guy who just hit on your wife, or whether you should wear the brown socks or the black ones.

No matter how big or small the situation is, the frame can apply and give you confidence moving forward. Since having internalized the frame, I no longer question or second-guess my decisions or wonder whether or not I'm making a terrible mistake. I do the best I can to obey God, I follow through with everything I can to make sure I'm discerning His will, and I trust that even in the absence of clear answers He is sovereign and will guide my path where he wants it to go. This kind of confidence in your life-direction, I believe is essential in making a marriage work and instilling your spouse's confidence in you - whether the decisions are about your marriage or about anything else at all.