Something that TRP/MRP doesn't touch on much is the God-given imperative toward intimacy. They recontextualize intimacy in the only contexts in which it can be understood by non-Christians. To adapt something from a conversation I had with /u/rocknrollchuck:

  • TRP assumes we are unitary beings - we have physical impulses and that's it. Accordingly, physical intimacy (i.e. sex) is all that matter.

  • MRP assumes we are binary beings - we have physical impulses and emotional longings, both of which must be satisfied for an LTR to work. Accordingly, physical and emotional intimacy (i.e. sex and comfort-sharing moments) are all that matter and need to be found in balance.

  • RPC knows we are trinitarian beings - we have physical impulses, emotional longings, and spiritual authority, all of which must work and be exercised in harmony for a person and relationship to be healthy. That spiritual authority is not "frame" or "having a vision" in the ordinary sense of the word, which plays on physical and emotional attractiveness. It is Christ in us, radiating from us as we live in the pattern he set for us.

    • It's worth noting that we also have a "mind," which is that part of our identity that balances these three attributes of our God-given, yet culturally-broken character.

The goal of Christian relationships is to develop a oneness bond with someone in all of these areas and not just one or two. Although it may not be the best technical definition, it really helps me to understand intimacy as this: Intimacy is a oneness bond created by internalization of external things.


THREE TYPES OF ONENESS/INTIMACY

Ephesians 4:4 says, "There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called." In short: physical, spiritual, emotional. Paul acknowledges the need for unity among believers by saying, "Make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose" (Philippians 2:2). Of the things above, the only one he leaves out is physical oneness. Why? Because marriage is the only context in which the true, perfect oneness trifecta can exist. Here are examples of how this can play out for a Christian:

  • Physical - Sex is deeply intimate. It is literally an external man becoming internal within the woman, making the two become one.

  • Emotional - Heart-to-heart conversations are intimate. There are external situations that are discussed that the listener/recipient internalizes, fostering empathy and creating a common heart.

  • Spiritual - Communion is intimate. It is taking external bread and wine/juice and internalizing it (Jesus' body and blood entering into us) in a context that is meant to be shared with those who are also one with Christ, creating a unity between fellow believers, including spouses, because of Christ in us (more on this later).

THREE TYPES OF LOVE, BORN FROM INTIMACY

In the Hebrew, there are three core words for "love," all found in Song of Solomon.

  • Raya - a friendship that says, "We do things together, we get along great, we have similar interests, and we enjoy each other's company. I am excited to be around him/her." [Although it's not exact, the Greek equivalent would be a combination of agape and phileo.]

  • Ahava - a commitment that says, "No matter how bad things get, I will always be by your side and will remain faithful to you." [Greek pseudo-equivalent = pragma.]

  • Dod - a passion that says, "I long for you and can't wait to see you every day; to be with you, close to you, and united with you. [Greek pseudo-equivalent = eros.]

    • Raya = emotional oneness; Ahava = spiritual oneness; Dod = physical oneness

In MMSLP, Athol Kay refers to these as Dopamine (Raya), Oxytocin/Vasopressin (Ahava), and Testosterone (Dod). A lack of any one of these creates problems:

  • No Raya = boring couples who get isolated and feel like their relationship is going nowhere; great sex and strong commitment don't fix their day to day living

  • No Ahava = spouses cheating on each other. If the sex and friendship are great, but there's no strong commitment, someone will leave when the next best thing comes along.

  • No Dod = dead bedroom for the rest of your life.

If you combine two of these things together, such as a lack of dod and a lack of ahava, the sexlessness is what will prompt the divorce. If little raya is coupled with a lack of dod, it will be the boring monotony that leads to divorce. If raya and dod are lacking, you might remain married, but it will be purely a roommates-relationship with ever-increasing hostility and cold-shoulders.


Koinonia

It's worth a brief pause to describe spiritual intimacy in greater detail, as this is the most elusive subject. Spiritual bonds can be formed in the context of physical and emotional connections. For example, 1 Cor. 6 and 2 Cor. 6 both talk about how sex makes you become spiritually one with someone, and also implies that whoever else you are spiritually one with is being bound to that link as well, specifically citing trying to create a oneness bond between Belial (demon/idol) and Christ when a Christian and non-Christian sleep together. Other passages like Ezekiel 36:26 imply a connection between the heart and the spirit.

But there are also purely spiritual connections, which tangentially impact physical and emotional aspects of relationships. The word the Bible uses for this in many examples Koinonia. Most often, that word is translated as "fellowship." But it carries a context of what that fellowship entails that goes deeper than the English translation would imply.

The Greek word for "communion" used in many translations of 1 Cor. 10:16 (more currently: participation or sharing) is Koinonia. This term is most commonly used in Scripture to reference a oneness bond, usually formed in the spirit. Consider:

  • "You were called into fellowship with His Son" (1 Cor. 1:9)

  • "What fellowship has light with darkness?" in the context of two people becoming one flesh (2 Cor. 6:14)

  • "May the ... fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all" (2 Corinthians 13:14)

  • "In view of your fellowship/participation with the Gospel" (Philippians 1:5)

  • "Any participation in the Spirit" in the context of being "united" with Christ (Philippians 2:1)

  • "So that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ ... If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin" (1 John 1:3, 6-7).

These concepts are very reminiscent of Jesus' saying, "I and the Father are one" (John 10:30). Similarly, Jesus asks beginning in John 17:21, "That all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one - I in them and you in me - so that they may be brought to complete unity." Jesus isn't talking about "unity" in a "let's all get along" kind of way that we tend to think of it today. He literally means a oneness bond between our spirits that goes deeper than simply "getting along" or even merely acting in unison for a common purpose.


RELATIONSHIP AND IMPACT

In his book Understanding People, Dr. Larry Crabb (Christian psychologist) suggests that all people are driven by two core longings: (1) relationships and (2) a need to have an impact on our world. The first is derived from the fact that "it is not good for man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18). The second is from the fact that even before the fall God gave us a world and He intended us to use it. Note that even before the fall, the command was to "fill the earth and subdue it" (Genesis 1:28) That meant humanity was destined to leave Eden regardless. People need to know that what they do matters and will leave a lasting impact because God created us not as idle dummies, but for a purpose that we must live out.

  • In MMSLP terms, fostering relationships requires developing healthy beta skills (comfort, reliability, trust, affection); having an impact on our world requires developing healthy alpha skills (one-track-mind, confidence, maintaining composure in the face of testing, strength and determination). A man is best able to foster physical intimacy (as well as spiritual and emotional) with his wife when he is living in light of these core longings and expressing them in a manner consistent with God's original design for humanity. As I said in 102, he made our libidos dependent on this to some base degree.

I have found throughout my life and marriage that it is impossible to experience healthy intimacy if we are not living out both of these. I can be the greatest preacher who ever lived, sharing the Gospel all over the world, making a difference not only in our world, but in God's Kingdom for eternity. That's a huge impact! But if I try to do this as an isolated effort, I will feel sorely dissatisfied - not because God can't satisfy me, but because he decided when he created me that he wanted me to require other human relationships to satisfy me as well (Genesis 2:18). This may come in the form of a spouse, but it doesn't have to (Matthew 19:12; 1 Cor. 7:7). If I lack this relational connection with God's people (spouse or otherwise), I will be sorely missing an aspect of my relationship with God that will prevent me from experiencing intimacy with my creator. To be clear: I challenge you to look through the Bible and count the number of examples of people having a corporate relationship with God (ex. on a national level, church-level, small groups, praying together, etc.) as compared with having an individual, personal relationship with God. Although our present church culture idolizes the personal relationship aspect of our faith (because our culture idolizes individualism), God has always intended us to relate with him predominantly in a corporate fashion, hence creating Eve to be one with Adam so they could be with God together and not independently.

Similarly, I can have the best spouse in the world and more close friends and family than I know what to do with - not just superficial relationships, but close and meaningful ones. But if I'm just spending all my time swapping emotional baggage and uplifting hearts with no actual active effort to do what God put me here to do, I will lack a fulfilling relationship with God. To be plainly logical, sin separates us from God (Isaiah 59:2). Failing to do what God has commanded us to do is sin - not just in the negative commands, but the proactive ones as well (James 4:17). A prime example: God commanded us to make disciples of all nations (Matthew 28:19-20). If I'm not establishing a lifestyle of disciple-making, I am not having the impact on the world that Jesus intended me to have. As a result, I am in sin, and this separates me from God. Sure, arguments could be made that Isaiah 59:2 might be about a pre-salvation impact of sin, but there's more than enough to back up the fact that post-salvation does have an impact on our spiritual intimacy with God as well.

Now I want to be clear: we cannot compartmentalize these two desires and expect to be fine. I cannot say, "I will have an intimate relationship with my wife, but will make disciples with my church buddies." This simply does not work. God intended the compulsion for relationships and the command to impact the world he gave us are inextricably linked. An effort to separate them will also be a type of compartmentalization of our relationship with God. How many men or women like it when you have a highly emotional connection through a very deep and intimate conversation (emotion), but get mad at your partner when that doesn't lead to sex (physical)? That's because our desires aren't meant to be compartmentalized - they're meant to function in balance and unity. Likewise, if you have a deeply emotional connection with God, but that's not compelling you to share your faith, there is a serious problem and the intimacy you're feeling might only be one-way, just as the intimacy the wife feels in that emotional conversation isn't received the same way by her husband when it does not escalate into a physical connection as well.


CONCLUSION

If we want to experience true intimacy (relationally, sexually, and spiritually), we must be seeking godly relationships and working within the context of those relationships to have an impact on our world. We must have a koinonia-type oneness bond with one another. Although we can have this type of bond with brothers and sisters in Christ in general, it is only with our spouse that we can share all aspects of intimacy. These aspects should not be compartmentalized, but should function harmoniously for the purpose of doing what God put us here to do.

It should go without saying: as intimacy develops in one area, it is more likely to overflow into other areas, but this does not happen magically by itself - the man must be intentional about facilitating this in the relationship. Good Christian sex strategy could be as simple as fostering intimacy and addressing core longings where your efforts are currently at their weakest. For guys who are predominantly beta, you might not be weak in the "relationship" side of things or expressing raya or ahava, but you need to start taking measures to work on your physical traits or alpha qualities such as your dod appeal or proving that you have something to offer the world and not just something to offer your spouse.