In my experience practicing divorce law in a firm that specializes in psychological issues, I have found that personality disorders have the most significant impact on marriages. There are certainly worse disorders to have (ex. MPD, schizophrenia, etc.), but personality disorders often go unrecognized or thought of as "that's just how she is." As much as you may have gotten used to her antics, sometimes it's good to face the music: she might actually be crazy (and you might be too!).

In this first part I will explain the basic personality disorders and general characteristics for discerning when one is present. As much as we might like to throw around "AWALT," certain PDs do require unique and special attention that general RP advice might not otherwise hone in on in a manner helpful to your unique situation. So, Part 2 will address how to interact with people who have PDs in order to maximize your chance of getting through to them. If you're all interested, I could possibly do a Part 3 on how to negotiate with someone who has a PD, such as in my area of expertise: divorce negotiations.

But first, a quote from the guy who taught me divorce law, particularly to all you who are thinking of divorcing someone who you think has a mental health problem: "All women are crazy. Every judge knows that - even the women ones. It's not enough to prove she's crazy. Your job at trial is to prove that her craziness goes beyond 'normal woman crazy.'" [My wife once countered this: "True, but if all women are crazy, all men are lazy." Her point is, it's probably true as to our natural tendencies, but some people can break out of it.]

ONE - Borderline - BPD is most commonly found in women, particularly those who have a history of physical or sexual abuse. Borderlines often have a mental detachment from reality. If the ordinary hamster is like driving a car, a BPD's is like the Millennium Falcon on the Kessel Run. They are often very explosive with no rational basis. They are driven almost entirely by emotion with scant ability to comprehend logic in the midst of an emotional episode, although they may appear perfectly normal when not otherwise triggered. RP men are at high risk because BPDs are typically very sexual. Their emotional explosiveness causes them to be extremely passionate and have very large libidos. They are also the most likely to cheat on you. BPDs are often very insecure, impulsive, antagonistic, and prone to depression. As a coping mechanism to deal with past abuse or trauma (existent in most people with BPD), their detached sense of reality causes them to experience their explosive fits not as their own life, but as if they are a third person in the room sitting in some out-of-body experience bleachers with a bucket of popcorn enjoying all the drama and entertainment. BPD is often accompanied by a histrionic personality disorder too.

For more information on BPD, check my comments here and here.

  • BPD women are extremely likely to respond to RP men, but for longevity and peace, the strategy requires a few limitations in how to handle explosive outbursts (see my posts above), given that some advice (ex. STFU) will simply not work and will likely make the situation worse.

TWO - Histrionic - HPD is the second most common personality disorder I see in women. It's rare to find men with BPD or HPD. Histrionics are addicted to drama. They will start crap with you not as a fitness test, but just because bad drama is better than no drama at all. They are easily bored. They are prone to excessive emotionality and attention seeking. They are incredibly flirty and seductive so, once again, RP men are at high risk. What's so bad? They cry a lot, usually for no reason at all. They are the type of people who are going to embarrass you in public with flamboyancy. They are easily suggestible to being put "on edge." They can't handle being alone, making them very clingy, needy, and very likely to stalk you if they get suspicious. If you take them out on a date, you're a great boyfriend and she can't stop posting on social media about it. If you take them out on another date the following weekend, you're being too nice to her, so you must be cheating. Your car is probably gonna get keyed when she finds the flowers you bought for her because that must mean you're hiding something and trying to distract her with gifts. Seriously, they make stuff up just to increase the drama levels to feed into their compulsion for exaggerated emotional expression. Interestingly, although they seem highly emotional, it is just that: an exaggeration. In reality, they are often very vague and shallow, not lacking any substance to their emotions. Unlike BPD, HPDs can comprehend and articulate some degree of logic in the midst of their flamboyant emotional expressiveness.

  • HPD women are likely to respond extremely well to RP men.

THREE - Paranoid - PPD is the third most common I see in women and is almost always paired up with another PD, although I don't see any overarching trends as to which ones. They think everyone is out to get them. They make sweeping generalizations about their susceptibility for abuse or risk of being used (ex. "Guys don't actually want me, they just want sex"). They're quick to make assumptions based on very small indicators. If you do anything to reinforce their paranoia, they will not stop fixating on you. PPDs have trouble letting go of past wounds. Although they usually just want to "get away from the jerk," they can't stop talking about how much they want to get away. They assume he is stalking them all the time because they see him everywhere. As a result, in a relationship they are emotionally distant, constantly waiting for when you're going to show your true colors like she knows you will. This creates self-fulfilling prophecies that can quickly destroy relationships. As a defense mechanism, they sometimes even strike the first blow, hoping that a good offense will be their best protection from the expected imminent onslaught you'll give them. No matter how nice you are, they believe you have some manipulative intention for doing it. High functioning PPDs will believe you are a manipulative jerk, but they will accept the manipulation and look at it as a game that they have to serve back in order to maintain a safe balance in a relationship, rather than letting you be the only one with special manipulative powers. PPDs rarely have close same-gender friends, as they don't trust anyone enough to be deeply honest. When they go out, it's usually superficial.

  • PPD women are likely to respond reasonably well to RP men.

FOUR - Narcissistic - NPD is most commonly found in men, but is not infrequent in women as well. RP men are at an extremely high risk of developing NPD. NPD is characterized by a disproportionate sense of self-worth and self-entitlement as compared with reality. They believe they deserve special treatment. If their girl does something nice for them, it's not because she's a great girl; it's because you deserve it. NPDs assume they are far more brilliant, attractive, or skilled than they actually are. For the true NPD, this is not a game to set a social presence, but an undeniable fact of their identity. They often live in fantasy worlds about how far their awesomeness might take them in life. NPDs are easily angered and extremely aggressive, especially when confronted with the fact that they share common human limitations with everyone else. They lack the ability to empathize with others because they see themselves as superior and don't understand what it's like to be normal. As a result, they have great difficulty developing emotional or intimate connections. To cope with this difficulty, most NPDs become extremely manipulative, and often consider their manipulative prowess as one of their super powers. Interestingly, most NPDs suffer from other mental-health disorders associated with subconscious emotional insecurity. They have told themselves for so long that they are better than everyone else that they begin to believe their inflated sense of self. Unable to cope with the potential shatter of this self-image, they have a subconscious compulsion to seek approval of others in order to validate their perceptions. When others do not validate this, they see them as (1) "lesser" and incapable of comprehending their true value, or (2) insecure people who have to attack others to hide their own insecurities. These perceptions are often incredibly irrational, and it's absolutely hysterical to watch two NPDs trying to argue, as they both are trying to seek validation from the other on a subconscious level by asserting their superiority (dominance and authority), while consciously trying to come off as if they don't care. NPDs try to present a DNGAF attitude and believe that they actually have this attitude, but are often unhappy nonetheless and they do not understand why.

  • NPD women are likely to express significant resistance to RP men. Although AWALT re: desiring a man to dominate them, these women are going to put up a huge fight. From doing divorce law, I note that the man usually has to have mental disorders of his own in order to get the job done, and then cope with the damage she made him go through on the way. If an RP man does manage to tame her, he's set for a long time because he can then feed into her sense of self-worth by helping her win "The Comparison Game."

With the big-4 done, here's a shorter description of the less common ones.

FIVE - Antisocial - ASPD is very similar to NPD in expression, but the reasons behind it are very different. Although they both come off as extremely aggressive, hostile, arrogant, and manipulative, where NPDs do so out of an inflated sense of self, ASPDs express these things because they have no care or concern with the rights of other people. They lack a core sense of morality common in most other individuals. They often come off as bullies. They are reckless, impulsive, and prone to danger - sometimes because they don't even have a healthy regard for their own rights and safety. Being manipulators, they know how to feign remorse and regret without actually experiencing it. In relationships, they are unlikely to take responsibility for their actions. They don't bother with hamsters because they see no need to rationalize anything in the first place. They are likely to be physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive.

  • RP strategy is not likely to work on women with ASPD because they will insist on chewing up your frame, crapping it out, then making you eat it every meal of every day for the rest of your life ... or just leave without a second thought.

SIX - Avoidant - In contrast with ASPD, AVPD is characterized by a hypersensitivity to others thoughts and feelings. They constantly feel like they're being judged, and always feel inadequate. They avoid social situations for fear that people will think less of them for how they interact, creating a negative loop where they can never build confidence. Even when incredibly attractive, they can only focus on their own flaws. In a relationship, women may only want to have sex in the dark so their partner can't see their flaws, or may avoid sex altogether for fear of not being good enough at it. They also have trouble finding relationships in the first place and are quick to latch on to the first thing that comes along, building long-term commitments where they shouldn't.

  • RP strategy is likely to work extremely well with AVPD women.

SEVEN - Dependent - DPDs experience a subconscious compulsion to have someone else manage their life for them. They require significant support structures and constantly seek second opinions for everything they do. They are terrified of conflict because friction in a relationship may cause them to lose their ability to depend on that person in the future. At their core, they are people-pleasers. In a relational context, they cannot handle being alone, often trying to live vicariously through their SO. As a result, they are very clingy. When the relationship ends they give themselves no time before immediately hopping into a new one without being able to assess clearly whether or not this is a good idea.

  • RP strategy is likely to work reasonably well with DPD women.

EIGHT - Obsessive-Compulsive - Because of public perception of extreme examples, ordinary cases of OCPD often go undetected because they don't seem as bad as what you see on TV. In reality, ordinary OCPD is characterized by someone whose fixation on rules and structure dominates their thought processes. They are often perfectionists who cannot easily settle for "good enough." They are more concerned with doing "the right thing" than what needs to be done. The details are more important than the bigger picture. They are inflexible, and therefore are usually incapable of delegating because the other person might not do it as well. In relationships, OCPDs are extremely controlling and stubborn and come off as "holier than thou" or having a sense of moral superiority.

  • RP strategy likely can be effective with OCPD women insofar as it may actually improve their condition; if the condition is too heavily rooted, RP men will burn out their hamsters because OCPDs won't stop obsessing about everything the RP man is doing "the wrong way."

NINE - Schizoid - Despite public perceptions, when most people say "antisocial" they really mean "schizoid." Schizoids have a limited capacity for emotional expression and cannot for interpersonal bonds. As a result, they withdraw from society, preferring to be alone. These are your extreme introverts, who prefer anonymity in their relationships through online gaming or internet forums without having to build actual relationships in real life. They come off as very awkward and superficial. They often don't express a wide array of facial expressions or body language, making them seem disengaged from conversation. Both because this disorder is fairly rare and because they isolate themselves, it is highly unlikely you will find yourself in a relationship with such a person.

  • I have only ever once observed a marriage/divorce with a schizoid, so although I could make something up, I really don't have any evidence on the efficacy of RP strategy on schizoids.

TEN - Schizotypal - Unlike schizoids, schizotypals actually do desire human interaction, but they're so quirky and weird that they can't sustain them. They often have very extreme and unconventional beliefs that are almost certainly untrue, despite the sincerity of their belief. They are also flagrant liars - so much so that they begin to believe their own lies. They lack the ability to retain mental response standards to social situations. As a result, they do not recall appropriate reactions to social situations and often do bizarre or unusual things, like laughing at inappropriate times or moving their body in ways and at times that don't make sense in the course of conversation.

  • Similarly, this is rare enough that I don't have any observable experience upon which to opine on the efficacy of RP theory on schizotypals.

SPECTRUM, NOT STATIC - It is extremely important to note that all of these PDs function on a spectrum. It's not an on/off switch. For example, in the DSM-IV days there was a subjective scale known as "GAF" (Global Assessment of Functioning). Someone might be diagnosed with a PD, but have a GAF score of 75, in which case they are moderately functioning with minimal expressive symptoms. However, if the GAF score was a 45 they would show serious symptoms with impairment in social environments. A GAF score of 50 or less is typically enough to qualify for most disability benefits on mental health grounds (SSDI/BWC). So, if you think your spouse might have a mental health problem, try not to lump her into a category - figure out how far into that zone she is first.