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Infidelity with 4 Children - Divorce or...???

by circle_s_ranch | December 20, 2019 | askMRP

20 upvotes

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Infidelity: I (44M) discovered my wife (40F) of 14 years had a short affair with some loser from her yoga class in July of this year. She quickly ended the affair and wants to reconcile / improve our marriage, which she says was in a bad place. The problem: a core value in my life has always been that infidelity results in divorce — no questions asked, good riddance! However, just prior to finding out, my mate told me to read up on MRP, as I sensed my wife was unhappy. I began researching and consuming everything I could about MRP. It didn’t take long before I realized where I had gone wrong in the marriage and why she chose to do this. This does not make it acceptable, but according to MRP, I was doing a lot of things wrong, in spite of being a good man, father, husband and provider.

My Family: We have four great kids together (3 boys and 1 girl), who I love and couldn’t imagine even less time with. My other core value is being there to raise my kids and not letting my current wife bring random dudes around them. To add to this problem, my wife has not worked outside of the home in 12 years, so my life after divorce doesn’t look all that good, financially and with my children (based on the state that I live in).

My Question for the MRP community: I know this is often a resounding “no”, but are there any scenarios where a 2nd chance is worth it? If I was doing most of the things wrong (according to MRP), should I give it a 2nd chance, but this time with the MRP concepts and strategies vigorously applied to EVERY aspect of my life and relationship, or do I need to divorce her and leave my house immediately? If it weren’t for my 4 children, who I love and want more time with (given my demanding career that makes it hard to be home as much as I’d like to), I would not consider a 2nd chance. However, with what I have read, I know I could have done more and most likely avoided this devastating event...if only I knew about MRP 12 months prior to this happening. I know everyone’s situation is unique. For me, I believe my children are worth fighting for, as the judicial system in my state will strongly favor my wife and my financial situation will be a struggle as I would be responsible for two households.

Thank you! The MRP community has helped me during these harsh times. I would appreciate any perspectives or advice, as I try to figure this out in my head.

Cheers,

UPDATE: Thank you to all that replied. Yes, I’m struggling with these conflicting core values. Given the dynamics and that I’m in a no fault state (one of the worst for men), I have decided I have a better chance of working on myself and recovering from this (personally, not in terms of the relationship) if I stay together for the next 6 months. During that time, I am going to continue to work with my attorney on either a post-nuptial or actual filing that favors me. I will respond in detail shortly.


Post Information
Title Infidelity with 4 Children - Divorce or...???
Author circle_s_ranch
Upvotes 20
Comments 107
Date 20 December 2019 11:55 PM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/302743
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/edi79t/infidelity_with_4_children_divorce_or/
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Comments

[–]tspitsatgp22 points23 points  (4 children) | Copy

Can you stay in your marriage with the knowledge that this has happened?

Right now you are probably in some sort of hysterical bonding and rationalising phase. That will pass, but the facts of what happened will endure.

Remember: it is one thing to understand why something happened, and to take responsibility for it, but to stay in the relationship and truly be at peace with what happened is something completely different.

I was not able to live authentically, at peace in my mind with how I was living my life, because I had unfinished business enforcing one of my fundamental boundaries. So I left 18 months later.

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

This is part of the struggle. I am starting to realize I cannot forget.

[–]hack3geRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

JUST.FUCKING.LEAVE

Trust me if you do the work and become the man you want to be that she responds to you will leave anyway - no man like that would stay.

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks. If it weren’t for the kids, I would have the day I found out. Kids add several complex layers that I’m in the process of working through. For example, she would have been working this whole time. Also, I don’t want her to fuck up my kids more than she has. Plus divorce will cost me and my kids - she doesn’t give a shit or doesn’t understand. But I totally get what you are saying. Thank you.

[–]hack3geRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It’s cool I get it - when you figure out what price you place on the freedom to live life on your own terms with a shred of dignity you will realize it all means shit in the grand scheme of things.

[–]czatara14 points15 points  (2 children) | Copy

I think you are rationalizing and bullshitting yourself. She is a cheating whore, this is probably NOT her first time doing this and she has the potential to royally fuck you over.

But I also understand your current situation and the need to be strategic. Are you in a no-fault state? Record everything, have proof of the affair, etc. At least, I would never be monogamous to someone who cheated on me, but this can be used against you in the future.

Put your ducks in a row and prepare for war!

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yes, I’m in a no fault state. One of the worst for men. Thank you for the reply.

[–]czatara5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

It is a tough situation and I was in your shoes some time ago. It took me 2 years to fix myself and get my ducks in a row, think trust setup, moving assets abroad, getting her to work, etc.

During that time, I played the reconciliation game, a little beta to be trustworthy and a little alpha to get some attraction. It was a fine balancing act, but I knew I would never be able to trust her ever again.

Got 50/50 custody, no alimony, no child support, maintained all my assets. I treat her well and wait for The Wall to do its (blessed) job.

Good luck brother, it is tough but you can pull it off.

[–]MardGeer13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy

Be a man and stick to your principles, divorce her and get a paternity test.

[–]BostonBrakeJob13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy

The problem: a core value in my life has always been that infidelity results in divorce — no questions asked, good riddance!

Oh good, you do have some self respe....

However......

.......oh you fucking faggot. You know you're gonna stay. We know you're gonna stay. The dog knows you're gonna stay. Just fucking stay.

And yeah, no fucking wonder she slipped and fell on just one other dick....it has been just one, right?

[–]part_wolf6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Pack it up, boys. Other than the advice to get a paternity test for all of the kids, this is the only comment that matters.

[–]HeckleandChide12 points13 points  (2 children) | Copy

Take some time, at least 30 days, to focus on you. Read, lift, meditate, journal, hang with the kids, rage at the world, etc. The only question you should ask yourself, again and again, is what will the you in 10 years wish you had done. Do whatever you need to do in order to best respect the man in the mirror.

[–]IWantToHelpSometimes2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

And that's by dumping the hoe. Especially if he is a man true to his values.

[–]Whammywham1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

He should do this... after filing for D

[–]theunconquored11 points12 points  (10 children) | Copy

I think that in situations like this, if you want to try to stay for the sake of your kids and your family, you need to exhibit and maintain an extraordinary level of power going forward.

I'm not going to make any moral judgments about your decision. I realize that it's harder than black and white. If it wasn't, you wouldn't be here asking this question.

So, if she's actually sorry, and she actually wants to make it work, she should be showing some real, tangible remorse. She's probably trying to smack you back into beta billy blue pill-land with some massive bonding and using sexuality and history to try to recapture your feelings and get you back under her control. If she isn't showing extraordinary effort, then you might as well just head to the grocery store now and pick up some apple boxes to start packing your shit.

She's trying to get things back to "normal" because that's what women (and weak men) do. They operate unconsciously under a normalcy bias.

She thinks that's what she wants. But women don't know what they want. They know what they think they're supposed to want.

She's trying, subconsciously, to rein you back in for the sake of resource provisioning.

But if you let things go back to where they were, because it's comfortable, you're just going to repeat this cycle ad infinitum.

It's time to take this MRP shit real seriously. Like....NOW.

So first, the stay plan is the go plan. Get your life in order as if you are leaving her. Talk to a lawyer even. Get your mind around the fact that you're 100% willing to go if SHE doesn't change her tune. Maybe you even have divorce papers drawn up, even if it's for your own sake. Have them written up in a way that makes the financial and custody arrangements pre-decided so you don't have to let the courts decide. Do it in your favor. If you ever have to have her sign them, you manipulate her into signing them and giving you what you want. She fucked up, after all.

You probably have a short period of time where you can implement the dread strategy with great success. If she's actually afraid of losing you, even though it's currently because she's afraid of losing her blue pill billy, you can shift the power balance by making her think she could be losing you for real. Keep in mind that this communication must be subtextual. Don't talk about it. Just do it.

Get to the gym. I don't care how fit you are, get bigger. Stronger. More mentally tough.

Never DEER again. Ever.

If it's your thing, implement some serious Domination/submission into your relationship and take control of the little bitch.

If you want to try to make this work, the only way it happens is by taking her fear of losing her resource provisioning and shifting that fear into an even greater fear of losing the you that was created and steeled by her massive fuck up. Use it. Become the prize. Get way, way stronger from the pain she's put you through. Make sure she feels (not knows...feels) that you'll NEVER allow her to treat you that way again, and that you'll be gone if she does.

And build enough self respect to actually follow through if she doesn't fall in line.

[–]An_Actual_Politician5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Great answer. I'm in OP's boat too, and this is what I strive to do. So far (24 months in) it has been working well for me.

My two biggest recommendations, being further down the road than OP, is A) play the long game and get her fucking working again. Every dollar she earns is likely 50 cents less in cash and prizes he will have to fork over. And B) once he starts improving his SMV get out there and bang strange. Lots of it. I try to get laid on every business trip I go on, and I go on a lot. I have a strategy that I've been tweaking that works fan-fucking-tastic. Build that abundance and enjoy every guilt-free lay with chicks hotter than our wives.

[–]IWantToHelpSometimes1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

"Build that abundance and enjoy every guilt-free lay with chicks hotter than our wives."

If he is willing to stay, this is the best advice.

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you for the feedback. Yes, if I knew what to do, I wouldn’t have posted. It’s a struggle because the outlook of immediate divorce is rough base on my situation. I would have been the loudest on here about leaving if it weren’t for my kids. That’s where the complexity comes from.

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Very helpful. Great perspective. I am trying to figure it all out. Something else that I briefly noted is the well being of my kids. Their life would permanently change for the worse.

[–]theunconquored0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

I saw above that you mentioned you were in a no-fault state for divorce. That may be true, but it only matters if you just throw the whole mess into a judge's hands and ask them to decide.

If you decide that you can't stay, you need to take control of the situation. You need to privately negotiate the divorce, have papers prepared, then just bring them to a judge to sign. It's a much cleaner way to go about the situation.

This way, you can use the cheating against her in your own negotiations, which you'd never be able to do in the courts. You can be as cunning, manipulative, and sly as you are able to muster. Tell her you want it this way (out of the courts) for the kids' sake. That it's not healthy for them to see you guys fighting, so you want it to be civil. That it isn't the kids' fault that she cheated, so not to punish them any more by dragging them into the family courts.

Then negotiate a schedule where you have primary custody, if that's what you'd want. Negotiate the child support last, with the assumption that she's going to need to start working because you aren't going to pay her bills. Don't even consider alimony. She cheated on you, why should you have to pay for that? All of these things you can do in private negotiations but you'd never get away with in the courts.

I had a friend use this strategy, along with telling his wife that since they were going to be done, she was free to start dating other people. She got a boyfriend and was so enamored with him that she got soft in the divorce negotiations and agreed to a schedule where he had primary custody, paid no alimony (and got her to agree never to ask for it, because "she can take care of herself" and "she doesn't need to rely on him." And there was no child support. He agreed to take primary financial responsibility for the kids and she agreed to help cover half the health care expenses once she had an income to do so. She never has, but he has his kids almost all the time.

Oh, and as hard as it would be to do, you absolutely MUST get a paternity test before going through any of this. Are your kids even yours?

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you. This is helpful! Yes, but worthwhile to confirm in case there was someone that looked like me. Hard to think though. I couldn’t imagine walking from a child I have raised always thought was mine. That would be harder than this mess.

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Very good point regarding no fault state and not letting them decide.

[–]SuperCrazy070 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This seems unrealistic for the most part.

It requires not only your wife to be stupid, but her attorney as well.

Maybe you can make an argument here or use a little guilt trip there, but you’re not going to flat out “not let her decide” in most cases.

[–]Whammywham0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Just do we are clear. No fault doesn’t mean that infidelity doesn’t matter. it just means that you don’t have prove infidelity in order to be granted a divorce.

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks. This is helpful. Both viewpoints.

[–]SoloQueueXL37 points38 points  (2 children) | Copy

Get your kids paternity tested this isn’t the first time she’s cheated

[–]EasyDaysHardNights6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

... and yourself for STDs.

[–]razenha4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

This

[–]marv86kw10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

You can't turn shit into gold, but you can make steel from iron.

Also, your wife is a piece of shit.

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret20 points21 points  (2 children) | Copy

Remember fellas, SHE CHEATED. I don’t care how much of a faggot OP has been. Yes, it sucks and the pocketbook may take a hit. Where’s the abundance? You can find someone else and always make more money. Nah, let’s just be miserable for the next 15 years. You get what you deserve OP.

[–]primordialawe2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

It all comes down to “what do you want” for OP. Which thanks to his “core values” that he wrote down like a good boy when the book said to, he has to guide his decisions. Except they’re not and they don’t make sense together. How can you say you’ll always be there for the kids and also kill it if she cheats? Half assed thinking.

He can stay... or not... if he decides he wants to and he really truly can sit well and make his life the best ever knowing he caused her to be a garbage person and cheat with a “loser”. (Using that word alone about the other guy says a LOT)

Maybe he just needed to post a “this shit happened and I’m kind of fucked up about it, can someone pass me a beer while I figure shit out” post. And I’d respect that more. Because that shit does suck. Getting moronic advice here to bite down on your mouthpiece for 18yrs and take one on the chin when it’s not what he wants is fucking dumb.

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for the responses.

My first concern in this has been my kids. It’s been a real nightmare. I know it’s supposed to be about “me”, but they are at an age where they need my involvement.

My “beta” traits were being a provider and too much of a mr. nice guy, always putting others before me and trying to keep everyone happy. Obviously, I have learned that was wrong.

[–]BioTrueRP29 points30 points  (20 children) | Copy

How old are the kids?

It is way easier for people to say that they would leave their wife and 4 children if she cheated on them than it is to actually do it. How many years of support will be you paying? With 4 kids, you're talking about a huge amount of cash each year.

Screw that nonsense. If she wants to make it work, let her try to make it work while you focus on you. Do the MRP stuff. Lift. Improve yourself and keep up the act of a faithful, loving husband until your youngest becomes an adult. Starting today, you should be counting down how many days you've got until all of your kids are 18. Each of those days should be used in preparing for your divorce should you decide to go that route.

If you do all of that, you'll save yourself a lot of money and in the process you will have improved yourself to the point where either you're far less likely to be cheated on again by her or you can easily find another woman should the need/desire arise. Be the best version of you possible on your youngest's 18th birthday.

Or be stupid and divorce and lose a shit ton of money and be single in your current, faggot state. Easy choice in my opinion.

[–]tspitsatgp11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy

Each to their own I guess, but seems like it’s a shitty way to live your life.

[–]RoccoPinkman9 points10 points  (8 children) | Copy

Or be stupid and divorce and lose a shit ton of money and be single in your current, faggot state. Easy choice in my opinion.

Because staying with a woman who’s fucked at least one other dude, until you’ve raised your kids to 18 is better than leaving and working on himself? One of those things is faggot behaviour and it isn’t the latter.

Sounds like the perfect recipe for an unhappy life to me.

[–]BioTrueRP6 points7 points  (7 children) | Copy

If his divorce works out the way I've personally seen divorce work then he's fucked. He won't be improving himself. He'll be struggling to just get by.

I have a friend who does IT infrastructure for the local university. 42 year old college graduate who makes good money, but doesn't get to keep much of it after they garnish his wages for alimony and child support. They have 3 kids. Been divorced for almost two years. He recently moved in with his parents while his ex wife who doesn't work sold the home that he paid for and then purchased a larger one. Saddest part is she was unfaithful, and divorced him. The court knew that and knew he didn't want a divorce, but he still lost everything. He sees his kids every other weekend.

Do you think my friend is living a happy life right now? Who is going to date the divorced guy, who is in his 40's, works fulltime yet still has no money and is living with his parents?

[–]RoccoPinkman4 points5 points  (6 children) | Copy

Who is going to date the divorced guy, who is in his 40's, works fulltime yet still has no money and is living with his parents?

That ^ right there is the type of attitude that is like saying to her go and do what ever you like. It’s like telling OP you’re fucked so swallow it because this is the best your getting. Each to their own but it’s definitely not my thing.

[–]BioTrueRP1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

At this point, op should have that attitude anyway. She cheated him. Why should he care about her now? I wouldn't care about her if I was him. What I would care about is minimizing the damage I suffer personally.

So he has a choice. Not care about her and what she does. Or not care about her and what she does while handing her thousands of dollars every week.

[–]arm_candy3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy

Can you seriously not imagine any scenarios that end with him happy? You really believe the only options are miserable marriage or miserable divorce?

Fuck that. Why can’t a divorced man thrive? Because of child support and alimony? Bullshit.

[–]BioTrueRP0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I'm not saying he can't be happy in either situation. He certainly can. But from the sound of it, he has a lot of work to do on fixing himself. How would divorcing his unfaithful wife - who herself doesn't want a divorce - make it easier for him to improve himself?

I am reminded of the movie American Beauty. When Lester caught his wife having an affair, he didn't think about a divorce. He smiled. He was happy because at that moment he was truly free and could give up. He fully stopped caring about her. He cared about himself and his goals in life.

Fixing himself now, while waiting for his children to become adults will either help his marriage survive or help prepare him for divorce. Divorcing her right now just ensures that his wife gets his children, his house and weekly checks for her and the yoga class loser she'll be banging on the regular to spend. Lol

He doesn't have to be miserable while staying married to her. He has so much work to do on himself that he doesn't have the time to be miserable about what his wife did.

[–]IWantToHelpSometimes2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

So now MRP is about scaring men into living destitute lives just so they don't get raped by their wives?

What?

[–]arm_candy3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

You don’t get it. You’re stuck in a victim mindset and don’t see any options except choosing the lesser of evils.

What would someone who isn’t a powerless victim do? Probably start by meeting with multiple lawyers to understand the likely outcome of a divorce instead of assuming the worse. Is he in a no fault state? If not, and he can prove infidelity, that probably changes things a lot. Does his state have unlimited alimony or limited? Also changes things. Figuring out how to minimize the cost of a divorce would be a good next step. Maybe tell the wife she needs to get a job to prove her commitment to the marriage. More money to stash and lower alimony lower. Maybe also start taking more responsibilities for the kids so that a 50/50 or even primary split becomes plausible. Maybe figure out where best to stash money so that it’s not considered a marital asset (IRA?). There are lots of things that could change the outcome of a divorce and only a loser would assume powerlessness.

A smart man would do all of this even if he wanted to stay married because the wife might be planning for a divorce herself regardless of what she says.

There are options beyond miserable divorcee and miserable plow horse. Staying married for 16 more years to a woman you don’t want to be with definitely sounds utterly miserable, though, and guarantees that you’ll pay higher alimony when you divorce after 30 years of marriage. Staying with her and simply not caring about her at all also sounds like a recipe for an unexpected divorce rape when she finally decides to leave you.

[–]IWantToHelpSometimes0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Beautiful advice.

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret9 points10 points  (8 children) | Copy

I guess I didn’t realize the faggotry ran so deep in askMRP. It kind of has always been the dumpster fire of MRP, but I’m shocked to see all of the upvotes and this to be the top comment here.

In case anyone is wondering, this is bad advice. It is very defeatist and incongruent with MRP. Don’t stay in a miserable situation as if you have no control. You are not a passenger in life, but the driver. Otherwise, you will be taken places you don’t want to go. Your balls are the keys to your own car. If you don’t have any then you’re fucked.

To all of the pussies that upvoted, enjoy your miserable ass lives. It just makes it easier for me to kill it out there.

[–]BioTrueRP0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

So you suggest rewarding her for being a piece of shit who cheated?

I don't know what state you live in, but in most states the man is entirely screwed in divorce. The man loses. The OP is fucked either way. Why should he fuck himself even worse by divorcing her?

What you are saying is:

"Hey OP, don't be a Pussy, you need to show that bitch what's up! Divorce her ass for cheating on you. Give her your house. Get used to being a babysitter for your children every other weekend and one weekday each week. While random dudes go in and out of their life on the regular because your ex wife wants some dick. Oh and don't forget to hand her big ass checks each week for alimony and child support. Show her how badly she fucked up by cheating on you!"

In this situation, if I was the OP, I'd much rather be a Pussy than a total moron. Minimize the damage to yourself while working everyday to improve yourself.

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Logic seems sound. Let’s go ahead and cut off my nose to spite my face.

[–]arm_candy2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

It’s great advice if you’re a giant fucking loser and content to remain one. It’s terrible advice if you have aspirations of being a man.

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

There are way more giant fucking losers around here than I anticipated. If he is content with being miserable in a marriage than I suppose ignorance is bliss? Knowing what I know I simply can’t live life ignorant and content simply as a passenger. Life is what you make of it.

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think leaving is a bigger setback at this time. I would have been the loudest on here about leaving until this happened to me. I think divorce will be easier after 6 to 12 months of getting my shit together. If it was ongoing or happened again, I’d be gone. Things are stable to where I have control and can work on myself. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how bad of a contract marriage was when I was younger or I would have not gone down this road.

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It’s definitely an internal conflict. My kids are 6, 8, 9 and 12. Since she hasn’t worked, and I have, it would be bad. I’d be looking at every other weekend and one night per week with my kids. I’d have to move out. I’m in one of the worst states for men.

[–]Morpheus_TNTB10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

The thought of licking another man's chowder out of your wife should answer this question. You can be assured she willingly exposed you to that without one fuck given on how you feel. Furthermore, do you really think you can change how she sees you going forward since you have personified a beta faggot? Is it possible to make it work...maybe? You have an uphill road to unfuck yourself and she likely is NOT worth the effort.

[–]Mordeth90816 points17 points  (1 child) | Copy

I know this is often a resounding “no”, but are there any scenarios where a 2nd chance is worth it?

No.

You’re creating reasons and excuses to stay. She cheated... by your own admission and rules for your life the marriage is over. But now you invent reasons to stay with her?

Go see a lawyer and see where you really stand with custody.

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you

[–]wkndatbernardus3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Been there, got the T-shirt. I feel for you, homie. My situation was a bit different because she kept up the affair for months after I found out by sneaking around. She was also never really that remorseful (until divorce papers were filed) and then she got impregnated by Chad "Doesn't wear a condom" McChadster. Don't be surprised if this happens to you as well, no matter how sorry she seems.

While you say your wife ended things with Yoga Chad, how can u be sure? Now that she knows you know, you may have simply thrust (ha!) the pounding activities underground. Also, I would get tested for STIs, stat.

My advice: get your ducks in a row legally. See a divorce lawyer and get a clear picture of where you would stand if the marriage ends next week. If your wife is trying to stay with you, I would implement high standards for her to reach, foremost of which would be getting an actual job...that pays money. This will potentially even out the financial piece (unless you're making bank and hoe bag works a shit retail job) if a legal separation occurs. In other words, you should use your current relationship leverage to neutralize, as much as possible, the consequences of div to you.

All that being said, your focus right now should be on yourself and your mission. Your relationship with your wife is irrelevant. Your lack of being a man of value is what put u in this spot (your wife's free agency to hoe bag around, notwithstanding) and it's what will get you out. Put in the work and everything will turn out well. You may not still be married and you may have to split custody of your children but, believe me, a part time dad that owns his shit, respects himself and is on mission is far more preferable to a milqtoast beta biatch who lives full time with his kids.

[–]Over60_FireTempered3Red Beret3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

Not a single reply from OP.

Here and in his marriage; he get's better than he gives.

Time to put out this dumpster fire...

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you. Had some issues accessing this after I posted. But I’m here and very appreciative of all perspectives and advice.

[–]Over60_FireTempered3Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for showing up u/circle_s_ranch It was looking like you might be a troll. The men here all want to help you. You just need to listen and learn how the world really works.

[–]0io-Tsundere9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

If I were you I'd go ahead and do all the standard MRP stuff to fix yourself and then take stock and see where you've landed and figure out what to do with your life.

It shouldn't be hard to make yourself sexier and more attractive than a loser from yoga class, but the goal is to do a lot better than that. Your wife and family and you should all be a lot happier if you improve yourself.

After you've fixed yourself make the decision as to whether you want to stay with your wife and four kids and can enjoy that life, or if you want to go be a divorced guy with 4 kids from a previous marriage.

Spend a year or two fixing yourself, and if you still want to head out on your own you'll be in a much better position to do that. It sounds to me like there are a bunch of social and financial reasons to stay part of the family, and wife was probably just getting sex-starved and bored, which is easily fixed by you doing all the stuff you're supposed to do.

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you. I believe this to be the best option for me for the next 6 to 12 months.

[–]creating_my_life6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

Yes, the knee-jerk reaction is cheating-wife is an immediate divorce and dismissal.

However, the softer side said if you were a shitty husband and you now know why it happened, fix your shit. You're in no position now to have the relationship you want. So there's a certain value in staying where you are while you fix your shit. Maybe your wife will straighten herself out. Maybe you'll fix yourself. No point in blowing up the family when you have a a few years of figuring yourself out.

But here's the thing. If you actually do fix your shit, you will fall out of love with your wife. You won't tolerate shit you tolerate now.

I couldn't look my wife the same way again. I'd blow it all up. Fuck everything. And I'd do it especially for my kids. Kids learn by watching, and I'd want them to see how much respect I have for myself and how little shit I'm willing to accept from people. THAT is the life lesson I'd want my kids to have.

Or maybe you're truly dark triad, and meet with a divorce lawyer now and secretly put together a 2-year divorce plan to end up where you want.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Wouldn’t dark triad be keep the wife, meet women on the side, make wife the slave? Manipulate the crap out of this situation? Pscyopathy, narcissism and something. Forgot the third part. Macavallianism? That sounds way more dark to me than just leaving.

[–]marv86kw2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you were doing RP, your finances would be in order. We're they in order, you wouldn't tolerate the cheating.

Your staying with her because it's expensive making the decisions to leave? Pay the price for your decision, or else you'll pay an even bigger price later.

[–]markpf732 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

So you’re asking the internet if you should compromise on one of your core tenants and values...

Simple answer - No.

Have a backbone and live on principle. The easy path doesn’t mean it’s the best or right path.

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It’s a conflict of the two, but appreciate the feedback.

[–]RoccoPinkman4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

A core value in my life has always been that infidelity results in divorce - No questions asked

How core is that value? Because it sounds like your asking a question.

[–]Dumbusernamerules4 points5 points  (7 children) | Copy

This wouldn’t be you giving her a second chance. You would be you giving YOURSELF a second chance.

Man up, read the side bar, become a better man whom no woman would ever dream/need to step out on to fulfill her biological imperative.

Seriously dude, this is all because of you not captaining your boat. Stop crying as if you are in the Titanic.

If your girl cheats it’s most likely because of your pathetic ass not being the alpha caveman she depends on you to be.

Grow a set, go lift heavy things and stop whining like my toddler.

[–]czatara10 points11 points  (4 children) | Copy

Yeah fine, reward her bad behavior by being the alpha she craves for!

This gynocentric trad-con bullshit must be amazing. She is a cheating whore, read your fucking bible and act accordingly!

[–]part_wolf2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You bring up an important point. This guy got cuckolded, and that’s put him in an impossible position.

His cheating whore of a wife is not going to forget about Chadwick from yoga class. What happens if he becomes the most hardcore red motherfucker in the world and moves forward completely driven toward his mission (whatever that ends up being)? His wife’s hamster will have no choice but to internalize that as not only an endorsement of her behavior but an actual reward for it.

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good point. And a definite concern of mine. Thanks for your response.

[–]Goobergus_Gubbins0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Are you suggesting he stone her to death?

[–]czatara5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

No, of course not. It was a sarcastic answer.

I just don’t understand the modern trad-con bible-based approach where a man is supposed to do all the work and get nothing in return from his wife. At least there were checks and balances in the Bible, as you pointed out.

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you. Good feedback.

[–]0io-Tsundere2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

All excellent points! OP should heed the good advice.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (12 children) | Copy

my mate told me to read up on MRP

Literally what the fuck. Your wife cheats on you and then instead of taking any sort of ownership she points you to MRP because she thinks it was your fault she cheated?!?

Sounds like you got a real winner there, sport.

You'll get guys who will say "The stay plan is the same as the go plan" and others who will call you a faggot, but really, you're the guy who has to look at himself in the mirror.

Personally, if my wife cheated on me, and I kept her after she did that, I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror. Fuck that. You burn that shit down.

The problem with affairs is that they destroy the trust. I see no trust here. Just a drunk captain and a AWALT wife. What you're really asking is whether it is ok for her to cheat if you're been a failure as a husband and as a man. On one hand, can you blame her - consider for a moment that you were the type of guy that is cheated on. On the other hand, there were oaths sworn that were broken. In your value set, is cheating ok? More importantly, it sounds like you don't have any boundaries on this topic anyway, so it doesn't really matter what you do, Mr. Core Value.

Now get your ass to the gym, because it sounds like you haven't done shit there. Man, I still can't get over the "I'm pointing you to MRP because I cheated' part. Talk about solopism.

[–]0io-Tsundere16 points17 points  (4 children) | Copy

I think he's using mate in the British sense of "Me and my mates went to the pub". "Mate" meaning buddy, friend. I was wtf'ing the first time I read it too.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ok that makes far more sense. I was like wtf when reading it.

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Yes. I did not grow up in the states. My wife did.

[–]0io-Tsundere1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

There's your problem: American woman! jk

[maybe half-kidding...]

Hope you have a good time over the holidays. Use the next year to get everything back together, you'll be all right.

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you - enjoy the holidays, as well.

[–]Grimsterr7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

Mate in this context = buddy, not wife.

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, I meant buddy.

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Sorry. Ha! I grew up in Australia. Mate. Meant buddy. Homie. Friend. Etc.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Gotcha. You’d think after all the people overseas that I talk to I would have caught on faster. You got better advice above - lift, sidebar, and get your act in order in six months, then reevaluate. And lawyer up.

[–]Over60_FireTempered3Red Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Maybe she pointed him to MRP, hoping he would grow a pair and walk out. Based on OP's story, she then walks with cash prizes and custody.

In his case burning it down might be self immolation.

With some work, on himself, he might come up with a Plan B that is not so righteous, since he really doesn't seem to carry that gene.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Probably not the case.

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

What part was righteous? Thanks for the feedback.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

As a fellow loser who does Yoga, I will speak for this loser when I say, not only did she fuck him. But they fucked in positions your pussy ass couldn't even dream of, likely due to the fact you are fat and not mobile.

Here are some positions you can envision your wife getting pounded in.

Downward Dog

Happy Baby - great with a leg spreader and wrists in cuffs restrained to the bed.

Standing Split

Plow Pose - great for anal. Bet he fucked her ass to.

Forward Bend aka. Stand up and touch your toes bitch while I pound you from behind.

Yeah, he is a loser all right.

Have fun.

Great, now I am turned on.

[–]Over60_FireTempered3Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I will never be able to get those images out of my mind. That is not a good thing, for me.

[–]markpf731 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Don’t forget her getting fucked in wheel. And we’ll throw in a little ass eating in dolphin pose...

[–]circle_s_ranch[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Really? I never said losers go to yoga. That has zero to do with why he’s a loser. Don’t spin what I said. Also, who talks shit hiding behind a keyboard when someone is looking for feedback on a fucked up situation. Not looking for sympathy here, but what you are saying is not correct.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

So if this happened to me I would use it as an opportunity to make my wife do all sorts of things she doesn’t do and I would be seeing all kinds of women. Maybe easier said than being in the situation. You know deep down what your answer is. Don’t look to guys on the internet to sound board your problems. What if we are wrong? We don’t know the full story. Only your side. How hot is your wife? Yeah cheating is a hardcore value but so are kids. I place kids above cheating but that’s me. I’m still very new. It could be a good thing as your wife knows she doesn’t stand a chance out there in the world as she has no skills.

[–]RoccoPinkman1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You would stay with a cheating wife for your kids?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

In my current case yes I would. My wife makes the money ;). I have my side stuff so I don't care. Well I do care that I'm not getting it but I'm working on that. It could be fun if it was just all out in the open. With my current wife that is. I probably lost respect for my current wife hence why I'm here.

[–]RicoDunne0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

TLDR; Have strong values about infidelity for years - read a website about male sexual strategy and leadership - use said website to hamster away my strong values because I have scarcity mentality and one-it is.

[–]RStonePT0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Did she confess or did she get caught?

[–]Whammywham0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Regardless of whether you divorce or reconcile... serving consequences on day one is the way to go. You should file for divorce and expose her affair to both your close friends and family. Serve consequences and move forward from there. But it’s on her to do the work and make the changes to earn back you and your trust. She literally had a million options to address her issues... literally million. Look she chose to direct her effort and energy. This had nothing to do with anything you did. She did it because she wanted to And I guarantee you that she ain’t no rookie. You also need to post on the “just found out” forum on survivinginfidelity.com

You’ll get the best possible advice and support from seasoned vets.

[–]Thomaskingo0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'd stay at least until the kids were 18, but I'd cheat at every opportunity.



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